Need Advise About Divorce/Seperation

Be supportive, a good listener, but NEVER take sides or put his wife down. That can come to haunt you if they reconcile, which, hopefully, they will.

C.,
My advice to you is to not "say" a whole lot of anything. Just listening, is sometimes all that people need when they are going through pain like this. If your brother-in-law specifically asks you for advice, be very careful what you say. Don't take sides because if they don't break up, he will remember all the "bad" stuff you may have said about his wife.(Even if he said it first and you just agreed with him). People say things about their spouses that they don't mean at the time, and later regret it.
I would just be there for him to lean on. Ask him over for dinner so he doesn't have to eat alone...stuff like that. If his wife calls again or if he can leave her a message, I would suggest that he ask her if she would go to counseling with him to discuss their problems with a professional. If she has gone to see a lawyer then she must be pretty unhappy and going to see a marriage counselor together would be my next step if it were me. Sometimes churches know Christian counselor who don't charge, or charge very little, if money is an issue. Because it can get pricey, but it would be worth it if it saves their marriage. Also if you guys are Christians ....pray,pray,pray. Ask God to soften their hearts towards each other and to give you the words to comfort both of them. Hope I helped.
M. M

She may just be sorting things out and need time alone to think. I agree not to say anything negative about he or his wife. If/When things work out, it will be remembered.

On the dismal side, have him check/secure any joint bank accounts. If she is the vindictive type, he could be penniless before he knows what's going on.

My pastor preached the very message you need to listen to this past Sunday! If you will go to www.rwoc.org and scroll down to the "LIVE" photo at the bottom right side of the page, click there, then click on Video on Demand and choose the Message from Sunday June 29, 2008. It is not available yet but should be very soon. He taught on "Priorities" and had some very good things to say about that very topic! Once you watch it, you will see what I mean and perhaps your friend would be ministered to by the Holy Spirit by watching it as well. I'll tell you this much though, he said no one ever came into his office and said "I'm divorcing him because he wouldn't take me to Paris!" It's the little boundaries that get crossed day after day that finally end up with the other party setting a BIG boundary! Know that the first half of the story always sounds right until you hear the other side of the story...Proverbs 18:17. As a matter of fact Proverbs 18 is a whole chapter full of great wisdom for you in this situation. The Lord says if we're filled with the Spirit, He will give you the words to say as you open your mouth, He will fill it. He's not always going to tell you what to say ahead of time because it will come out like a "canned" speech and not have any power to heal behind it unless it's anointed by the Holy Spirit.
This man also needs to read the book of Hosea because it tells a story about a prophet who had his wife leave him and go fooling around on him! It also happens to be a type and shadow of Christ's love for us as well. By praying according to Hosea 2 he will be able to surround her with a wall of fire that she will not be able to escape and she will not find pleasure in her former loves. Now I'm NOT saying she's having an affair, but there's something that is giving her comfort or rewarding her where she is that is easing her pain. Women don't leave relationships unless there's a bunch of pain going on there usually. People don't like change anyway but women are relationship oriented most of the time. So whether it's a person, gambling, drugs, or just an independent sense of identity, she will not find pleasure in that thing any longer and at some point, she will return home IF this man is really a man of God (not a hypocrite) he will cover her in prayer and win this battle! I have prayed this prayer of warfare and seen many instances where the spouse returns so I know God's word is true but it takes humility and a real relationship with God through the Holy Spirit to get it done! You may call me if you would like for me to agree with you in prayer for this situation. I am an intercessor and I know LOVE NEVER FAILS. To God be the glory and praise for His great love for us! ;-)

Hi, C.~

You didn't say what kind of relationship you have with the wife who left, but what I've seen happen several times with estranged couples is this:

She leaves.
He grieves.
Then, he cries, apologizes, makes all kinds of promises to ' do better if she'll just COME BACK HOME'.

She usually gives in and returns (because she's never seen him acting so vulnerable and receptive).

THEN he treats her even worse than before.

If you have a friendly relationship with her, I would suggest that you talk with HER and advise her NOT to 'reconcile' until the actual 'differences' have been addressed! For some reason (and I've been married for 32 years), it seems that ALL men (or very nearly MOST) feel that 'everything's
OK' in their marriage as long as the wife is staying with him and doing HER part (no matter how fervently she's tried to express to him her dissatisfaction). They (men) seem clueless about the necessity of their input and efforts to MAKE the marriage relationship 'good'. I'm sure you know what I'm saying . . .

Anyway, 'be there' (as others have said). Be supportive and understanding, but don't encourage them to 'get back together' without dealing with the REAL 'issues' first!

God bless and I hope this helps!

The best advice I could give is just to simply listen to him. Let him talk - to your husband- and just listen. Don't jeopardize your own marriage by being the very understanding sister-in-law. If he needs your advice, make sure your husband is always within hearing distance. Don't spend time on the phone talking with him. It will only cause trouble for both couples in the long run. No matter how close you have been over the years, no matter how much he's been like a blood brother to you, don't do it. Guard your own marriage like a hawk. Don't let his problems become your own. Don't let his divorce cause troubles in your relationship with your husband. Don't allow him to visit when your husband is not home, not even if the kids are home with you. It simply looks bad and accusations can arise from that.
Also, be ready to forgive his wife should things work out for them. It will help their relationship to heal if she is readily accepted back into the family. You may not feel the forgiveness right away, but it still needs to be expressed in their presence. If you hear idle gossip from others, don't spread it along, and discourage them from doing the same. It's part of the forgiving process.
In short, don't let this situation spill over to your marriage, and don't add to their problems by spreading gossip or holding grudges.
The ultimate best advice is to find a good Christian church and attend it regularly. Pray for your inlaws and for protection for your family as well. All relationships require work,and successful ones require God's blessing and protection.
My sister and her first husband put us in this same situation years ago. Divorce and separation hurt more than just the immediate family. Most divorcees don't realize this until it's too late.
I hope things work out for them.
Good luck and God bless,
Lora

I wouldnt not say anything..it helps to get it out and talk about it.Let the brother in law bring it up and go from there.Maybe getting someone elses prespective on things will help him see what needs to change if he wants his marriage to work...good luck..
S. B

My only advice really is to be there for him as much as you can, Talk to him whenever he feels like talking and don't when he doesn't. Considering she has said she still loves him, she may very well just need some time to sort things through, also this time apart may make your brother in law realize how important she reaaly is to him and make some hard choices in his life also. Either way just let him know you both love him and will be there for what ever he needs.

Remember everything is popssible with God's love and guidance.

Hi, C.. I'm so sorry your family is going through this. Divorce and separation have touched my family as well, so I (unfortunately) have some experience with this. :)

Your best tools right now, I think, are a set of listening ears and closed mouth. Let your brother-in-law do the majority of the talking and ALL the decision-making. If he asks your opinion about a course of action or thought, turn it back to him to choose which one to take.

I say that because, in the end, people who are hurting often want someone to say, "Do this" so that they have someone to blame if the "this" doesn't work out. It's not intentional, it's just our nature. So, listening to him lets him know you support him while keeping you out of the "blame" chair.

Oh, and I'd definitely avoid issuing any opinions on the wife's behavior - even if you're right, even if your opinion is absolutely the one to take. Because if they get back together and you said something negative, he'll remember that and it may affect your future relationship with him and her. If they don't get back together and you spoke well of her, then it could feel to him as if you're taking her side (even if you weren't taking a side at all).

Most importantly, hang in there!

R. S.

Hi C.-
If the wife wasn't willing to take the divorce lawyer's advice, you do not know that the marriage will actually break up. So the absolute worst thing you could do is choose sides or talk with your brother-in-law about how you never liked the wife anyway, or air any complaints at all. They may make up, and he may share your thoughts on her, which would make a very uncomfortable situation for everyone.

My advice (as a divorced mom who grew up with divorced parents-- sigh) is to listen a lot more than you talk. Don't give advice that will come back to haunt you. Let them both know (if appropriate) that you are supporting them.

Best of luck.
R.

I first of all would invite him to dinner once a week so he knows he won't be alone at least one night. Let him lead the way on decussing it. Just ask him how he is doing. I have a work-a-holic for a husband too but he has a great excuse-He's an Army Major! SO he is very busy. I just learn to deal with it. If your brother is able to start looking at his schedule he should first try to go home early once a week.

How old is the wife and why wasn't she at church with him? She is desperately wanting time with him but doesn't go to church with him? (that just seems odd to me) A family that prays together-stays together! Good luck to you and your family during this time.

First of all you need to realize that no matter what you say or do only the two people involved can work this out. Maybe if you feel you need to say anything you could discuss his work ethic and attention to his wife. I take it they don't have children. Money and work is a necessary thing for survival these days but it has to be put in perspective. How could a wife be happy if her husband is never there. He is her mate and she is married and she knows she has no other life and maybe she feels she is alone in the marriage. Maybe you could help him to see that people need attention and caring and not just money. I hope they can work it out.

If he is a workaholic and never has time for his wife, then her being unhappy and leaving is understandable. Why weren't they at church together?
I don't know what to tell him except that it will all work out the way that it is supposed to. That God works in mysterioius ways and maybe this is his way of showing him that if he continues to work too much and ignore his wife, this is what he will get and maybe this is a lesson that God wants him to learn.
I hope that they can talk and work it out and she will come back and he can live on less money and make more time for his wife and things will be great.
If she admits to still loving him but is just unhappy, I imagine they can work it out eventually. Marriage is a sacrifice but no one ever got married to be alone. He needs to be home with her some and not work as much.
Good luck