Does My 4 Year Old Have Anger Problems, or Is This Normal Behavior?

I was a nanny for 3.5 year old twins and we used a digital kitchen timer for their after bath before bed movie time-we let them push the buttons to set the time and at the 15 minute, 5 minute and 1 minute mark we gave them a time reminder. When the buzzer went off the movie was paused so they could pickup where they left off tomorrow night and they went to their rooms for bedtime. Most nights this worked great but if they talked back or argued about it they lost 5 minutes off of their movie time for the next night. Also, if they fought between themselves about which movie they were going to watch they got 5 minutes less that night.

Very normal for kids. Here's something different to try - do something to get her happy again, either something funny or affectionate. Help her get back to her "happy place" and in a good mood again. THEN repeat that its time to get dressed.

To paraphrase one of my favorite quotes - kids that feel good - act good.
I know I do!

My son is almost four and he freaks out when I turn off the tv without warning. Next time give her a heads up that the tv will be turned off when the show is over. Tell her a couple of times leading up to it. You would be upset too if you were watching and someone just turned it off without warning. My son is still sometimes upset, but not nearly as upset as when he expects it.
Also, when my son screams or cries hysterically (when he's not hurt, of course) I send him to his room. No arguements! I tell him that I am not going to listen to him scream or cry, so he can go to his room until he's ready to talk to me in a calm voice. This can be hard, when I'm pissed, but I can not scream at him and expect him not to scream back. I am the adult and it is my responsibility to teach him how to handle his anger and walk away.

I agree with mommyof2boys about giving a fair warning before turning off the tv. My 4yo gets angry and if he hits or throws something he goes straight to time out no exceptions. When he's being really miserable I look in his mouth and telling him I'm looking for my happy boy, where oh where can he be? Then I tell him to send the cranky boy away and we can have some fun! Sometimes he just needs time to himself. It's difficult for them to manage their emotions at this age but they are learning! Hang in there mama, this too shall pass!

one of my daughters (4) does that too (minus the hitting me). Freaks out, pouts, cries .... it's so out of control. My other daughter never does this.

I think the advice re: warning when it is going off is a good one - I make sure to do it PRIOR to turning on the TV and then do an occasional reminder during the show. It works most of the time.

I too get to the point of yelling and am working on that.... we're all a work in progress aren't we?!

My sister in-law says that her daughter does the same thing about my niece when she watches tv. That's why she never watches tv. It could be that her little brain is getting too much stimulation and is confused or makes her a little anxious. Not sure but if it's only when she atches tv that could be the problem.

Sounds normal to me. She could have been getting hungry or tired, which makes them crankier. Did you give her time warnings before you changed the situation? Did you explain when you are out of the shower this and that will happen? I've found telling my kiddo I'm taking a shower and when I get out we will do this, this and this, it helps transition. I also let her know the tv will be going off in however many minutes or after the (short) show she is watching is over.

Personally, I think we forget (me included) that kids need respect too. If someone can up to me out of nowhere and turned my show off and started saying we and now doing this and this, I would be cranky. If, however, they had warned me about the upcoming changes and that I only had this much time left, it would be easier to transition.

Also, I've told my daughter I will be back in a few min so she can calm down and then we will talk. You can't turn your emtions off just because someone told you to and look how much longer you've had to practice. I don't think it's reasonable to expect a child to be able to do what adults can't.

You're asking a 4yr old to explain her behavior. She's 4. She can't. Not really.

Just a thought.....If your husband (or anyone for that matter) came in the room while you were watching TV and just turned it off without warning saying, we have to go (wherever) wouldn't you be a little P.O.d? I would! That's not to excuse your daughters behavior but if you set the expectation before hand and give warnings such as you have 15 minutes and I'll let you know when I need to turn it off 2 minutes beforehand. Another choice might be good, "If you don't want to turn it off in the middle of a show, you can read your books until it's time to go." (two choices). Also, a couple of good books that help discipline without emtionally adding to the situation. 123 magic and Love and Logic. Someone correct me if that last title is wrong......

She sounds perfectly normal to me (and I have two daughters who will turn four in a week). One of my daughters can get really mad when things don't go her way... not always... but sometimes. I actually found that the TV was a major trigger of her mood swings. She just couldn't transition from the sensory overload of the TV back to reality. Ultimately, we've turned the TV off for good (or for a year or so, who knows). Her behavior has turned around significantly now that there's no TV in our house.

Another thing that really truly helped us is the 1-2-3 Magic book. There's no magic to it, but it explains a very basic method of counting "bad" behavior and setting consequences. So in the situation with your daughter, after you turned the TV off, you'd very calmly say "Honey, I need you to come put your clothes on. If you can't, we won't go outside." Then if she resisted, you'd say "That's 1" while holding up one finger. (after two days of using 1-2-3 Magic, this is enough to get both of my daughters going 90% of the time). When your daughter continued to resist, you calmly say "That's 2" while holding up 2 fingers. If that didn't get her moving, you wait 30 seconds and say "That's 3" then put her in time out. After the time out, you don't talk about it, don't scold, etc. You just move on to the next activity... which would NOT be going outside because that's what you told her the consequence would be.

The book did a good job of explaining to me that kids can't process all of the explanations from parents about what they're doing wrong, and so the more we talk and explain, the more confusing it gets for them. By breaking it down into "1, 2, 3" and allowing the child to take responsibility for their own actions (they decide whether to obey or not, really), it simplifies things and the kids can process what's expected of them. Then they don't get to the super frustrated stage where they lash out.

My advice would be read this book (I'm sure your library has it) and see if it might work for your family. Also try turning the TV off for a while... a month at least. Some kids just have too much going on in their brains to handle the extra stimulation of television. At the far end of the spectrum is sensory processing disorder, but on the mild side, it can manifest as willfullness. And that's totally normal. By helping her get control of her temper at age 4, though, you're giving her a life skill that will help her for ever!

I don't think that this is about controlling your daughter -- we can't control our children -- we can only teach them how to handle what they're feeling, and what is acceptable behavior, and give them the respect they deserve. Her feelings are every bit as strong and valid as ours. She was just expressing them inappropriately. You need to give her the tools she needs to express herself and to have realistic expectations. Did you ask her what she was upset about? If she had said, "Mommy, can I please finish this show before getting dressed?" would that have been okay? I know I would get upset at turning something off in the middle without a good reason. If she had asked to get dressed while watching the end of the show, would that have been okay? There is often a solution that will meet everyone's needs. Do you want her to do exactly what you say whenever you say it? There are definitely times when that's important -- but sometimes, a few minutes and a bit of compromise to meet everyone's needs and desires and make everyone happy is definitely the way to go. I've found it keeps everyone happy most of the time, and that my kids know that I usually respect their desires, so when I say No -- this time it's important to do what I say right now, they will, because they know it's true.

i find my daughter works much better if there is a difinitive change - did you shut the TV off during a show. She works much better if i say when this is over, it's time to get dressed. most often as soon as she sees the credit roll, she shuts the button off herself. also i use a timer for everything... you can play for 10 more minutes but when the timer goes off, that's it time to (get dressed/leave the house/ have breakfast)etc. she likes to go to the timer and shut it off.

She's alot more compliant if there is a defined time, and not something that arbitrarily made up.... she can't argue with the timer it's a neutral thing.... and she gets to shut it off.

Is she Austistic? Did she have yorgurt for breakfast? It sounds like Autisim to me, yorgurt and MSG are triggers for Austistic kids.

I think it's very normal behavior for that age. I have to tell my almost 4 year old when I am going to turn the TV off (after the show is over), otherwise it will be a total meltdown. The turning off of the TV may have been the trigger and she just couldn't get past it.

If there is a certain behavior you are trying to change, or certain time of day that is particularly hard, you may want to try a positive approach, like have her work for a reward. And if she does anything extreme, like punch you in the face, have her know that there will be serious consequences, like no TV for the rest of the day, take away a certain toy, etc. Use whatever is very motivating to her for both consequences and rewards. I know how difficult this age can be, they are so verbal and independent. Please know that you are not the only one!

For the most part I think her behavior is normal. She's also seeing how much she can get away with, they all push the boundaries.

With the self-hitting, and possible difficulties with transitions, I would consider, research and inquire about sensory processing disorder.

Just a thought . . . may have nothing to do with your daughter's situation.

Good luck.

Have you ever looked into the effect of food coloring? It is everywhere! waffles, yogurt, crackers. It makes my son act just like you described. I can always tell when he has had it because just like you said, the switch goes off and BOOM! nothing I do or dont do will effect his behavior. The only thing that works is totally restricting the coloring-best advice I got from another parent who said "treat it like a food allergy". Google the topic, you will find a wealth of information.

Maybe 1-2-3 Magic would be a helpful source as well as looking at books on Anger at www.freespiritpublishing.com for children in that age group.