Does Seperation Actually Work?

I think that marriage is hard. I will be married for 20 years this summer and it is worth it but not easy. I have to stop focusing on what he is or isn't doing and focus on my own attitudes and choices. I think that if you talk to most people who are divorced they would say they wish they had worked it out. Maybe that seems like a crazy statement but from all the marriage/counseling books i have read that is the census. Do you have children? If you do you will never be rid of him.. he will always be in your life. Separation usually ends in divorce in my opinion. It is a easy way to do what you want and alot of times the temptation is too great to not withstand the pressures of other peoples attention. It is easy to get diverted from what you intended in the first place.
My heart says to you do not separate. Do not divorce. I don't know your situation though. I don't know if he is abusive or not, but i do know that you have to start being the kind of person you want him to be. Show him affection, show him kindness, show him tenderness, overlook the offenses and respond with love. When we change that always brings about change in another. It may take a while and i am not saying do not take care of yourself in the process. Just don't walk into conflict, put your feelings aside and seek to understand before being understood. That is a very hard thing to do. I think that if you watch your attidude and listen you will reap the rewards. Fireproof (the movie) and Love Dare are great resources. Please don't think that i don't know what kind of pain and overwhelming feelings you have... I probably do. I have gone through a very painful issue with my husband but as i responded with my own selfishness and loved him in the process of his selfishness i am reaping the rewards of a man who wants to change and regrets the way he has hurt me. I know that not all men will do that but if you think that your husband is that kind of man and going to counseling for over a year does show committment on his part than you need to fight for it. A great book that i think all non married people should read is: Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It really does explain why marriage is hard and how much work it takes. It shows the bigger purpose of it.
My husband and i spent to much time waiting for the other one to change and we wasted alot of good years together. We are now enjoying the richness of each other after i decided to lay down my pride and be what he needed me to be. I am now getting what i have always wanted him to be as well.
I hope this helps. I know it is hard and it is good to remember that there are seasons we go through where life is hard. If we can push through it we come out stronger on the other side. If we leave and find someone else... we still have to deal with ourselves and then you get a whole new set of issues with someone else and it starts all over again. Work on you and go to counseling by yourself as well as with your husband. Make time to walk, or garden or what ever feeds your soul and chose to hang in there. I think it time it will be worth it.

To answer your specific question - Does separation actually work? - I would say that depends on the purpose of the separation and the structure around it. I would recommend that you agree on what you want to accomplish with and during the separation and put some specific structure around it. I strongly recommend working with your counselor on that so you are in agreement and have a third party to help structure and measure the goals.

Praying for you.

My boyfriend of 5 yrs (we have two children together) are doing I guess what you would call a trial seperation. We have found that we appriciate eachother so much more now. I personally think this time apart has really helped me get in touch with who I am as a person which I think I lost sight of when we were living together. I think time apart helps you learn a lot about yourself and I think for some it does some good for the children to see that mom and dad still love eachother but need a break sometimes. As long as you are clear with your husband about what your expectations are and you both can agree to how things will work (children, expenses that are shared, etc.) I feel being seperated can be a good thing. However, there is always the possibility that he may not want the same things you do in the end, so be prepared for that if you choose to seperate.

It's a big step. But sometimes you just need to step away from the situation to decide clearly if divorce is where you want to head. I'm in a similar situation and I see no other option, if things are not improving it might be your next step. I'd suggest talking it out with your counselor, they may help you face all the issues clearly before moving onto the next step.

Hi J., I have to agree with Heather, Sabriina and Diane, marriage is hard, anything worth having is. This June my husband and I will be married 29 years, and yes we went through a period where we both thought about walking, but our 3 kids were the main reason we didn't. The Fire proof movie is awesome, my husband and I watched it even though it's been years since we went through our rough patch, out of all the movies my husband and I have watched together this is the first one that even brought tears to his eyes, except the passion of the Christ. Had we split up, we would not know the love, respect and devotion we have right now, we would have robbed ourselves and each other had we left.

I would strongly reccomend you rent the movie "fireproof" and read the book Love Dare that goes along with it. It really saved my marriage. It's hard because in reality you cant make your spouse try harder, love you more, or do anything really. The book and the movie really concentrate on your own behavior and the way it impacts how others treat you. Good Luck and God Bless!

If you need to ask, you don't like being married or at least married to your husband. So that is it. Get out of it and let him find someone who would like to be married to him.
B. v.O.

Statistically wise, separation ends in divorce more than working it out in the home. Not always, of course, but it does tend to further the distance between people.

I suppose you just need to figure out if you two are seeing eye to eye, working towards a common goal, still dating and trying to find the good in each other. If there is abusive or cheating behavior going on though, maybe it's time to pullout.

Good luck!

Hi, Jennifer. I agree with the other moms that the Love Dare is great, helpful and life changing (as is Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands), if you have a good husband who loves you and is committed.

As far as separation, all I can tell you is my experience. My husband and I struggled for years and things got worse. We couldn't talk w/o a fight and he refused counseling until I moved out. It was really hard on both of us, but we did go to counseling (got a horrible counselor). Unfortunately, after 6 months separation, we have just divorced. The reason this didn't work for us is that my husband was not truly committed to making our marriage work (turns out he's been having an affair for almost a year) and had I not moved out, it would have just postponed the inevitable.
In contrast, when my parents went through the empty nest, they separated for a couple months and are stronger, happier and more committed than ever. (It's been almost 20 years since their separation.)
As I see it, the benefits of separation are that it gives space to look at the issues and your commitment to each other. It also allows healing of hurts w/o the constant in-your-face of living together. In my situation, the divorce was inevitable and by having already separated, when my husband filed for divorce, my kids were aready established in our home, schools and friends and it was way less traumatic for them. Should you opt to separate, talk about it first and have the ground rules established (still committed, working it out, no partying with inappropriate friends or other women, etc.) so that you don't have any of the "surprises" that I got to deal with.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
Good luck. I really hope things work out for you. (

Is "he" putting in as much effort as you?
Or is it you just shouldering the burden of it all?
Where does he stand?

Can you or can you not, live without him?
Is there love still or not, for you or for him?
Is this just a bump in the road or something that absolutely cannot be fixed?
Is it just you or him, who wanted to separate?
Is there major dysfunctional problems involved that can affect the children... or just relationship problems?

You seem burnt out by it all.... is this just temporary and sheer exhaustion, or are you really just done with it all? Or just finally unable to continue on, regardless of the reason?

Will you TRULY be happier without him and marriage?

Is this a matter of your 'ideas' of marriage just not meshing with the 'reality' of it? Or is it something you really just abhor and him and the whole relationship?

Is this a middle-aged related thing? Or not?

There WILL be day-to-day struggles and problems and schedules and balancing problems to deal with... whether or not you have a marriage, whether or not you have a relationship... and whether or not this is just a phase or not. So.... what is the bottom-line? Just unhappiness with life or with the marriage itself?

You need to know these things... before jumping into "divorce."
Divorce does not necessarily "solve" anything.... but again, it is different for everyone... and for some divorce is the answer.

I assume you have kids, too?

With any major decision... don't just do something on impulse... unless you absolutely know... IN your heart of hearts... of what you need to do... and thought it all out. I guess so therefore, a trial "separation" is your testing it out? But it should be done, legally and since I assume you have children... there will be things like 'custody', visitation, taking the children places/on trips or not... the legal ramifications of what is allowed or not, too. Even with a "separation"... and will you both then live in separate homes and how to explain to the children etc.
So....there will STILL be... lots of "day-to-day struggles, and schedules and relationship issues" to think about and deal with. EVEN with separation and/or Divorce.

All the best,
Susan