My Husband Wants a Divorce

I'm sorry you're in so much pain and feeling exhausted at the same time.
No advice, just sympathy.

I'd get the best lawyer I can find (get referrals from people you trust) and take it from there.

Good luck.

If it were possible for you to put your emotions on hold, that would be helpful. My mother taught me that people say what they mean and mean what they say. He told you he wants a divorce then by all means don't fight him on that. Get yourself an attorney and follow the wisdom your legal counsel will give you. I would definitely strongly suggest you start outlining life without him in the picture. In my opinion, you should live with him since he wants a divorce.

He may not handle stress well but divorce is very stressful. Your baby boy is important and helping him make the transition from two parents to one is going to be critical. Your lawyer will be one of the best people to help you figure this out. If you share accounts with your husband that wants a divorce I would strongly recommend separating your financial obligations, separate checking, savings, retirement and etc. accounts. Squirrel away the money you need for an attorney. What kind of housing can you afford on your own?

You will have plenty of time later to deal with your emotions but right now you need to be practical. I would probably let him file for the divorce but I would have my attorney giving me the valuable advice I need to navigate these uncharted waters. I would also get myself some counseling too.

Been there, and I'm so sorry you have to be there now.

I'm going to say something that you may not agree with, but I just want to put this thought in your head (on the maybe working things out side, not the divorce side).

What role do you play in the marital issues? I don't mean that you're the cause and he's not - rather it takes two. You don't sound like you're bashing him, but I didn't notice where you claimed ownership of an issue.

It sounds like you two need to put all the cards on the table and tell each other what kind of spouse you want, and what kind of spouse you want to be.

And I suggest more counseling, since that seemed to help.

I wish you the best and healthiest outcome. :)

Some Men, once they have a child... change.
They did not, nor are able to.... mature with the impact of a child.
Their life changes, for them.
And they cannot transition... to being a parent, versus, just doing things for themselves, in a selfish way.
And then, once a woman has a child... then the Man, does not have the usual Wife... only to himself. Because, she is also a "Mom" now... and for SOME men, this changes the perspective...and feelings they have of their Wife.
It is a selfish.... thing.
I am saying this because, you said that you both have had problems in your marriage, since your son was born.

Sure as you said, he is a good Dad. But he is doing the "role" of a Dad. But for some Men, even that is a strain and they cannot.... realize that their Wife is now a Mom, also. And not just a woman, all to himself.
And their feelings, sometimes, changes after having a child.
And if this is the case with your Husband, well... his life is the way it is. He has a Wife. He has a child. And his Wife is also a Mom. Who is not only for the Husband.

First you get a lawyer, a separate checking account in which your checks get deposited and start saving up money.
Then you talk to your husband about going back to counseling, if he won't go, go by yourself.

A marriage is more than love. In most marriages feelings wax and wane, but couples that stay together are committed to making it work for themselves and their kids through the rough period. If your relationship is in the gutter, it's understandable that he doesn't exactly fell lovey dovey about you right now - you can't make him love you, that's right, but in most marriages if you repair the relationship the love will return. But he needs to be willing to work on it - you cannot do this by yourself.
And get a lawyer... just in case it doesn;t work out.
Good luck.

Oh...wow....so sorry.
No you can't "make" anyone do anything.
While I do agree that love *looks* a little different from O.'s wedding day to 5 years to 20 years...there's no mistaking it.

It's often said that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Do you feel indifferent towards him? If you're feeling anger, sadness, resentment--that's not indifference.

If you truly feel that you have tried everything, then, really what else can be done, right?

Put yourself and your son at the top of the list right now.

Get an attorney.

If he is making idle threats as a manipulation tactic, it will be apparent very quickly.

At best, you can have an amicable separation, divorce and continue to co-parent your son in a loving way.

All the best!

Kate, I am so very sorry.

Would you guys consider a separation before divorce proceedings? I think this can be a valuable step for sorting through your thoughts and emotions while also seeing what it would be like apart. Many people determine it's not all they thought it would be. There's no harm in approaching this slowly as it could be a MAJOR life change.

Can you guys talk anymore? What is it he feels like he needs that the marriage isn't giving him? There is SO much to be said for the effect of stress, esp when people are trying their hand at business / self-employment. It may very well be that he doesn't even know what he needs and so some space may be best for a bit. Do you feel like you could have this conversation cordially? And if you agreed to separation terms, do you feel he would abide by them? I know I tend to be too trusting sometimes, but bringing in an attorney can really change the whole dynamic...

Every couple is so different.

As for love, no, you can't "make" someone love you, but...true love is a CHOICE. It's a commitment that is made by our will, not our weak, unstable feelings. Maybe in light of all of the stress, he's feeling like there isn't space enough - mental & emotional energy - to put into work and your marriage.

It's so hard to give a "prescription" not knowing much of your history as a couple.

Either way, I'm sorry and wishing you the best.

I would strongly recommend this seminar but not sure exactly where you are and what dates they are held where you are. Please check it out and see if your husband would go with you for the weekend. It's Friday night and Saturday and half a day Sunday. It is very worth going and if you could get him there it would be as good as counseling in some ways.

http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.5846045/k....

http://shop.familylife.com/events_1.aspx?CategoryID=97&am...

Marriage is hard work and its easier to bail. I wish I had a better answer but BOTH people have to be willing to put in the effort or your setting yourself up for failure. Ive learned to always be able to take care of me and my kids so if my DH follows through I will be ok

Ditto Kimberly F.- but as I am going through a divorce myself, I know it is easier said than done, especially when we are caring people. Hugs sent your way.

Hi Kate,

I am very sorry for you. I am a divorce education instructor, mediator and technical divorce coach. I help people in all stages of divorce and navigate the family court system. So, please put a lot of stock in what I tell you. There is something odd about your husband. I am guessing your husband has a girlfriend or is involved in something unsavory on his travels. You need to prepare for a divorce while you are trying to work on the marriage with him....by contacting family law attorneys to get advice and guidance. But try to get a divorce through an attorney mediator or collaborative divorce, because hiring litigation attorneys will cost tens of thousands of dollars easily, and maybe several hundred thousands of dollars. You ask how to move on.....I assume you mean post-divorce. Chances are you won't really get to move on. The two of you will be parenting your son for the next 16-17 years. You will have to talk and email every week, coordinate the child's activities together, see each other, decide medical, school, and other issues together. You will disagree on many issues. You will get to know your husband better after divorce than you knew him in marriage. The two of you will be in coparent counseling to figure out how to parent together and reach agreement on who will pay for what, who will provide daycare, what school he goes to, vacations, sports he plays, dentist appointments, parenting issues, school issues, new husband/wife issues, modification of support through the years, and a myriad of new issues as you son grows up. Husband may ask for 50/50 custody and there is a good chance he will get it. Your bond will diminish with your child as you will only be in charge of half of his life and see him only half as much as you do now. You will struggle financially, unless you litigate, then you will be broke and in debt.
And since your husband has his own business, you won't be able to prove that he makes money and he will say he doesn't make much and he will pay very little. If he really doesn't make much money, or you don't have tens of thousands to litigate his claims, then you may be forced to pay him child support depending upon who makes more money and what percentage custody. You need to start seeing attorneys NOW.

I too agree with Kimberly's advice. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself and take it one step at a time. I'd go to counseling myself for my emotional needs and get atty for the practical ones.

You and he both may be having a problem with the emotional rollercoaster.

As several have said, its not easy transitioning from being just a husband and just a wife to being husband, wife and parent. Dads tend to concentrate on the wife and the child is a low priority. Wives tend to concentrate on the child and the husband becomes a low priority.

He didn't post a problem and we have no way of knowing how he sees it, but you said this developed "ever since our son was born". New moms often forget the husband and dwell on the needs of the baby and ignore the needs of the husband. Remember, your husband was there before there was a child. After the child leaves to go to college and gets out on his own there will still be your husband (IF you don't make him feel unnecessary). 18 years of neglect of your husband will not make a strong marriage.

If you want to know how your husband feels about you, read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Then give him the book to read so he can learn a lot about you. If you want to strengthen your marriage and "make" him love you again, Watch the movie, "Fireproof" and get the movie's companion book (manual), "The Love Dare". If you follow what "The Love Dare" tells you to do, you will bring him back to loving you again. I've followed the principals in the "Love Dare" for almost the entire time I've been married (39 years in July).

200 to 300+ years ago, marriages were arranged. They learned to love one another. You can teach him to love you and want to love you. AND visa versa.

Good luck to you and yours.

My ex-husband (and yes he is my ex now :)) said the same thing to me and I had two small kids. Well actually one was 4 and the other 7 and believe me I will tell you the same thing my friends told me way back then.............you will feel a weight lift with no more worries about him and when he's coming home etc. And you know what? They were right! As soon as we split it was like a weight lifted. I could live my life and my kids did not have to worry about whether Daddy was coming home tonight or not. He was a good Dad when he was around, but now 24 years later I am remarried (20 years this year) and my boys are very well adjusted.

You will survive and it may not be easy, but your child will better off seeing him on visitations which I'm sure may or may not be quality time, but there will not be any more strain and stress from either of you except normal living stresses.

Good luck!

Kate I'm so sorry to hear your sad news.

They say the first five years of a child's life is the hardest on a marriage. I wholeheartedly believe this to be true. There are so many new factors that each spouse has to figure out and work on -- the effort has to be constant.

I'm curious if you've pressed your husband on why he says he doesn't love you anymore. What was your relationship like before you had your family? How does he see himself as a father if you were to get a divorce? Is there someone else he'd rather be with? If so, why? Honesty is key here since obvioulsy just because you get divorced doesn't mean your relationship is over, as Nicole is saying. You two still will need - ideally for your son - to co-exist as parents and respect each other in this way.

I also like the comment about the idea of trying a separation before divorce. This would of course assume you could trust each other financially and otherwise during this time since you'd have less legal protection.

Anyway, I hope you can find some way to start having more conversations and get through to him and have him tell you honestly where he's coming from, where he wants to go and what he envisions for your son.

There are some marriages that indeed can't survive so don't fee bad if you can't force it to work when it wasn't meant to.

Just wanted to say I am sorry! I do not have any answers but wanted to encourage you to be the strong woman you are...

First let me say how sorry I am that you are all in this situation! Maybe you can try a separation for a period of time before you go threw the trauma and expense of a divorce. Since he is asking, maybe he should move out. Make sure you put some rules, limits, expectations in place first. Things like, child support, visitations, seeing other people,etc. Perhaps the time away will help you both to decide if you want to fight for your marriage or end it. Please, please, please make sure that your son does not become the pawn in the middle of you both.
There is no easy answer or solution right now, I can only imagine the difficulty you must be having right now. I will say a prayer for you all.

If you are both at a point where it no longer seems healthy to stay in the marriage, then it's time to start an open dialogue about legal separation. Meet with an attorney (either separately or together) and find out what you need to do. You can't make him love you, nor can you make him stay in the marriage.

Make sure that your son is impacted as minimally as possible- have a regular and preditable visitation schedule. Make sure that he has an actual place to sleep and "live" at dad's house, regardless of where dad is living. Your son should not feel like a "visitor" in his parent's home.

If you can, use a mediator. No idea what your finances/assets are like, but if he's a good father and you can agree on the finances, mediators are there to help you see the "middle ground". I have not been through a divorce, but sadly many of my friends have. Those who divorced "nicely" went through a mediator and found that person to be really helpul in forcing the two parents to see the "big picture" while making sure things were legal and equitable. Once you get separate lawyers involved, inherently there are "sides".

As for moving on... the only thing that has helped my two close girlfriends is time. They both had a really difficult time the first year, especially because they had young children and felt very alone. While there shouldn't be, there is still somuch shame and embarassment surrounding divorce. My one girlfriend pulled away entirely for nearly a year. She lives across the street and we ALL knew what was going on, but she just wasn't ready to talk about it for a long time. One night she just picked up the phone and asked if she and her daughter could come over for a while because she was ready to talk. I threw a bottle of wine in the fridge and my husband ended up taking both of our kids to their house for ice cream and a playdate so we could have a few hours alone.

Good luck. I hope that the situation is resolved in a peaceful and supportive way for all three of you.