Don't Agree with My Husband's Point of View,what Should I Do?

Hello E.,

I would sit down with him and explain how you feel. You are not 15 and you would not be influenced by friends (unless you wanted to be). Show him how he is able to have his alone time with his friends and show him that you need to be shown the same respect.

You are in a tight spot with your husband. He is going to have to understand that you need "ME" time it is a nessesity for a mother to have . You have to reboot yourself in order to handle the overload of everyday life. I cant tell you how to get your husband to understand that . Maybe invite the other mothers their husband and kids over for dinner or maybe a backyard bar b q. Then maybe he will lightin up and that might help. Well maybe I helped in some way. Good luck honey.

well don't get me started but whats good for the goose is good fot the gander!! your not asking to go to a bar. well one way maybe would be to next time he wants to go with his friends you find a sitter and you go with your friends and maybe he might see it diff. but i dought it but if he's going your going somewhere! but if he see's a problem in you going why is he? does he ever acuse you of cheating? well let me know if i can help! goodluck!!

E.

Well I had a simular problem when my kids were first born I could not go anywhere with out them, I could go and do what I wanted to as long as the kids were with me.
My suggestion is communication. You need to sit down with him and really let him know that you need soem adult conversation with other women. This is totally natural.
My second suggestion is that you take it with little steps. Maybe go with your firneds for a couple of hours and close to home in case there is a problem. If the place you are wanting to go is 1hr one way you may want to postpone that. You said you have not done it in 4 1/2 years, he has to get used to this and accept staying home with the kids so you can have some fun. And seeing as your children are so young he is proubly intimadated by stay home for long periods of time alone even if he will not admitt it. I know husband did not want to be home alone with the kids at first my kids are 7, 5, 3 and in the last year has been when he is willing to stay with them for long periods of time before that it was like pulling teeth. Most of the time they will make up every excuse not to watch them.

Hope this helps!
D.

sounds like he is very insecure... do you know the friends he hangs out with?
explain to him that you need some time with other adults... need some friends that you can go out with and just talk to and just hang out with. like he does. does he expect you to not have any friends at all? just depend on him for everything... that is not healthy. I would also suggest counciling if you can't work it out on your own. you should not have to sneak arround to spend time with friends...

Have you tried explaining to him that its almost the same as when he goes out with the guys. If his excuse is he doesnt know your new friends then suggest having a couples night out with the new friends so he knows who they are and see how well you get along. Let him know you need that alone time to unwind from family and all its demands. He should know that not every friend puts bad ideas they may have some good ideas to share. lol

I really don't understand what the big deal is and why he get so upset. Everyone needs their ME time...and if you don't get it you'll go insane. He can't expect for you to be cooped in the house all day with two kids. I am a mom of a 10mth old and a 3 year old. I love them dearly, but I too have to get out of the house sometimes....wheter its to have lunch with a friend or go to the mall. Its not fair for him to go out when he wants but you can't...THATS HOW MARRIAGES BREAK APART! Is your husband insecure? It's not like you want to go to a bar or go out and drink with your friends until 4am. Honey get ready, you are going to get a lot of responses on this one!

OMG girl the best way to have a good marriage is to have freinds of your own!! You can't survive spending every free minute with just your family!!! I would be nuts!! I to am a stay at home Mom of a 3 year old & a 15 month old I only have a small amount of friends but if my husband ever tried to stop it I would tell him whats really going on!!! Your husband sounds insecure & a bit controlling you NEED friends of your own!!!

I totally agree with most of these women. Your husband is way to controlling. You should get out. It makes you a better mom and gives you sometime to yourself. He is borderline abusive. You should respect your children and self to put an end to that. Get out take sometime and enjoy yourself, especially if he gets to do it.

WHAT???? I am sorry but you need to put your foot down NOW before he starts controlling everything in your life. Tell him that you need friends also and that he needs to understand. If he loved you the way a husband is suppose to love his wife then he would not behave this way!!! Oh and one thing would be if he did the same but he gets to hang out with HIS friends, why can't you??? I'm sorry but this is sooo wrong. I am all about the man being a man and a woman a woman but this is pushing it. Stand up for your self

HE IS VERY CONTROLING IT SOUND LIKE. WHY CAN HE DO IT AND YOU CAN'T?? THIS DOES NOT SOUND GOOD AT ALL ON HIS PART. WE ARE ALL THEN SAME AND SHOULD BE TREATED THE SAME. God did not say one is better then the other. I am sorry to say this and I hope you understand.

hallo E.,
Your husband does not own you, you guys have a relationship
and that means, that you are equal. You still have to respect each other and be considerate, but that's it.
Now if you try to talk to him, he might not listen to you, cause for some reason he has ignored alot of your needs. So i don't know, if he will do counseling. You should talk to the counselor alone at first to let him/her know, that he suppresses you.
He already intimidated you so much, that you don't even realize anymore, that you have the right to see your friends.
Now, what are YOU scared of, what if you ignore him and go see your friends. What would happen. I know, you might be scared to missplease him, to loose him, to loose your family, to fight.
Of course it's going to work for him, as long as you keep playing the game.
Take this to consideration, i know, how it feels, when you want to hold on to something, but if he does anything that hurts you or your children, if you use your rights, than
i am sorry to tell you, but he is not the man for you.
Now, please take some action, and good luck.
A.

We all need girlfriends. If your husband is so concerned about your new friends, then maybe he should meet them. It is hard to keep in contact with old friends sometimes. I've had a really hard time keeping up with mine (I live 1300 miles away now). Also, they're all in different places in their lives than I am. I need to talk to women who are going through some of the same things as me with the kids. Your husband sounds like is scared that you are going to change. He seems to be the one that needs to. Talk to him about why this bothers him so much and reassure him that this has nothing to do with him. It's you. You need some time away. Women who stay home and have little involvement with anyone other than their immediate family can get severely depressed. That wouldn't be good for you, your marriage or your children. We all need to vent to a non-interested party once in a while. I meet with a women's bible study twice a month and do a playgroup once a week. Also, I got to movies sometimes and leave the kids with my husband. I need that little break and time to recoop. If your husband continues to have a problem with you making new friends, maybe you should talk to a marriage counselor. Some men want to do what they want and you at their service. That is not fair to you.

E.,

At the risk of "putting something in your head" it sounds like your husband is trying his best to be overcontrolling of you. I thought maybe he didn't go anywhere either, but then I read he goes out and drinks till 4am without you...I reconsidered. Maybe bring up the fact that since HE goes out, you should get to go out, too. My husband and I BOTH have time away from each other. TO me, that's what makes our marriage HEALTHY. You, as a woman and mother, need other avenues of enteratainment so they can thrive as a person. If I were you, I would get out of the house! Good luck!

well relation-ships dont fall apart because people or friends put ideas in your head.alot of times they fall apart because there is no trust in them.Thats what it sounds like.Im also a stay at home mom,but my kids are at school,so I pretty much stay at home and clean.But even I need time to relax.so I see where your coming from,if he goes out with his friends to drink and what not and all you want is an hour or so,he should'nt make a big deal about it he should let you enjoy your day out.I think he need to meet some of your friends,give them a chance to see that they are not bad people trying to ruin your marriage.

It sounds to me like your husband is a little insecure. Communication is so important in a marriage relationship so I think you should try to arrange a time with your husband to sit down and talk about your needs. Friendships outside of a marriage can add so much to your life. It sounds like your husband is afraid that you spending time with friends will under-mine your marriage. I would explain to him that they are two other mothers in which you have things in common with and would like to get to know them better. Reassure him that it is not to get together with them and talk about how bad your marriages may be or how worthless your husbands are. It is a time to share ideas about motherhood and friendships. If he still refuses then I would suggest counseling so that maybe a counselor could help him see that all people want and need friendships to validate themselves as a human being.

Hey E.,

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemna. Sounds like maybe your husband has some unresolved trust issues from a previous relationship? I'm not sure how to tell you to handle this, but I can kind of relate to how your husband may feel. I went through a very nasty divorce about 6 years ago when I found out my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. I went through a couple of rough years when my current husband and I were dating because I just KNEW every time he walked out the door he was going to see another woman. Silly, now that I think about it, but it is very difficult to get beyond when you've had it happen to you. It blind-sides you and convinces you that they're all going to cheat and the only way to stop it is to hold them under your thumb! If your husband has gone through anything like that, maybe this is the problem. He knows what he's doing when he's out with the boys, but he doesn't know what you're doing when you're out with the girls. In other words, he knows he's JUST out drinking and having a good time, but doesn't know if that's all you're doing. I'm not saying this is the case with your husband...just making an observation from what I've seen first-hand. Maybe sit down and talk to your husband about why he denies you from having friendships. Explain to him that you are very trusting and open of his 'guy time', so you'd like to enjoy the same from him. Assure him of where you'll be and who you'll be with. Maybe invite the ladies to your place for a dinner party one weekend...a family time where the children can play and the husbands can meet. That may give your husband some assurance that you're being honest about what you'll be doing when you're out with the girls. Then he can't say he hasn't met your friends. ;o)

All just suggestions...let us know how it goes. :o)

Seems to me he does what every he wants, what about you? You'll wakeup one day, a sad old lady with no friends, go girl!
believe me it took me 20 yrs to wakeup, The yrs slip by fast. I'm not saying to do anything wrong, but whats an hr or so. What the hell do you think men do until 4am? He's just afraid you'll turn in to him.

I been married 26 yrs. and all men and women need time together and by there self everybody needs there space if u don't u lose who u are we all need to find ourselfs even if its a hour or more my husband puts me on the plane when he thinks Im losing it .U see thats what happens when u let everything build up and theres no one to talk to but your family u need to talk to other people or u will lose yourself and family all together find your self or u will lose what u have , and your just married 41/2 yrs. what will happen if u don't find who u are. sorry but your husband is wrong. someone who went throught it. I hope u understand me

you MUST get councelling. He is being a bully. I'm sure he has his great points, that is why you married him, but no one should EVER be allowed to tell you that you do not have the right to have friends. You have a mind of your own and no one can "put thoughts in your head". Or he should agree to stop drinking and going out. I promise you that THAT breaks up more marriages than moms of kids getting together for lunch. You might not be able to convince him of this -- if he's intent on being controlling he won't listen so I urge you to get a professional, unbiased mediator involved. Do it before you burn out. Honestly ask yourself if you get burnt out who will hurt most -- your kids, of course, and I know you don't want that. Neither you nor they deserve this.

It is hard to be a stay at home mom with no adult women to converse and share with. That is soooo healthy for you!

I wish you luck and you will be in my prayers.

I think we have the same husbands. I have been with mine for almost 6 yrs. and we were the same as you and yours until about 6 or 8 months ago. I have 3 boys and never got away, I felt like I had to lie or sneek around to do what I wanted. We had a really really big fight one day and I left with the kids for about a week. I didn't come back till we could compromise that we both get our time away. Now I go to Kickboxing with my friend twice a week and am gone for about 4hrs. each time. It really boils down to they don't want you to have fun without them. It is all about CONTROL they just have to learn how to have less and we have to learn how to get more. Not that we need to be ugly to get it, we just need to talk openly about what we like and remember who we are. Now my husband and I have friends over a few times a week for dinner, drinks and games. You have to have your time or you will lose yourself nothing more nothing less. Try JUST TALKING and being open. Then you have to stick to your guns and follow thru don't let them make you feel bad. Because you will until you get the hang of it. Then it will be wonderfull. Hope this helps!

Assuming that you are not in an abusive relationship (in which case I would pack my kids and leave) and are otherwise happy - I would recommend sitting and talking with your husband. CLEARLY someone has been unfaithful in his past - my guess is either his mom or his ex wife.

I would explain that the reason you want him involved (even if it is just in childcare) is so that he can get to know the men and their wives, and help expand your (as a couple) social network among other happy marriages.

If that didn't work I would demand counseling (individual and together) and he gives up his nightlife - and his individual time at home. (You know, when you're both there, but you take care of the kids because you have two X chromosomes and he has an XY).

If you're not "allowed" to have friends, to me, that's like being on the most restrictive regimen in the world - and I don't see the relationship lasting long enough to put your baby in kindergarten under those conditions.

FYI - the internet has broken up more marriages than ANY group of friends could think of doing... although I probably wouldn't mention that to him, since he'd just want to cut the phone line.

S.

Well you two don't sound lik eyou're getting enough healthy time away from each other...on top of that he is being insecure...I would try this:
next time you make plans with new friends,
A- have them come by or meet him somehow, he is your protector so he wants to feel secure with who you are with...he seems to think you are sweet and impressionable...oh that's the ticket...tel him "oh sweet man of mine, adore that you want to protect me and keep me from all the bad influences of the world...but I love you and no one can change that, so no worries darling." Then when you get back from your outing with your friends, be very sweet and affectionate and tell him how sexy he is for trying to protect you, reasure him that all was well and you are so happy that you got to get out for a bit.
Now on another note...I know about abusive relationships, and your story is making me feel like there is something more going on, if not good deal and he just needs a little ego stroking to get those insecurities in check, but...if this man is calling you names, making you cry, or psysically harming you in any way...I know it's near impossible feeling...but you can get out and be okay, I did.
but I hope it's the ego, and some very subtle but positive changes can be made with the carefully placed and not overdone complimenting.

I havent been married in 11 years; but for some reason that sounds very familiar. My husband would have all the friends and he would go out with them also.. He didnt even want me to get off at his own cousins house because he said his cousins wife was too crazy and would put things into my head. Your husband needs to understand you need some time alone. I eventually divorced and now my husband takes the boys every wed and every other weekend.. We had way more problems that him giving me a little space. I think the best problem solver in a marriage is communication... there has to be some communication in order to make all marriages work.. You need to be able to communicate that you need some time to yourself,, to read a book, to go to the movies, just to have lunch with friends.. I fear that if you dont communicate your feelings to your husband you would end up resenting him..

E. you have already gotten a lot of advice. I think the key to all relationships is Communication. I go out with my mother, cousins, old friends, new friends and have gone out on my own to have some me time. There is nothing wrong with that and for your husband to keep you from this time is selfish and childish. I don't think you should have to hind anything for him assuming it's nothing bad. What about your family, mom, dad, sisters, brother, cousin do you go out with them?
Invite the moms to your house for a change.
Just remember you are your own person and you have look out for your best interest. It does no one any good if you are a stressed out and tired mommy and wife!!
Hope this helps,
L.

I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him that you love him and your children very much, but sometimes its good for just a get a way where you can talk to adults instead of talking to your children all day.. Sometimes I will go out with a few friends on sat. my son will stay with my husband and when I get home, then my husband goes out with his friends and I stay at home with our son. It sounds to me like your husband is very insecure and doesnt want you having any friends at all, and he may not trust you.. Its an issue you need to talk about ASAP before you hate him for what hes doing to do!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

Oh Sweetness!!! Sounds like u r married to a male chauvenist pig! I feel for you. I cant believe that he wont allow you the time away from home just to "get away" yet he can go drinking at a friends until 4 am (by the way -- this is NOOOO time for a MARRRIED man to be getting home). How do you know that there are no women at this "friend's home? How do you know they dont get a wild hair up their butts and decide to go clubbing??? You wouldnt knowm would you , because you should be asleep while he is out drinking.
Just come out & telkl him that everyone needs time alone...this is how we "refresh" ourselves and do something for ourselves. It is a perfectly natural thing to do and to desire and if he does not belive you--- ask him to call any doctor or pychiatrist & they will tell him it is true. Regardless, put your foot down & if he still wont "let" you go with your firneds, then tell him he can no longer go drinking either. If he insists that he will continue- I would personally dump the selfish prick.

So let me get this straight. It's ok for him to go hang out with his friends for hours, but you can't go out for 1 hour to have lunch with the girls? I don't get it. He says friends could put ideas into your head, what about his friends putting ideas into his head? It's a double standard. I'll bet he's afraid the new friends are going to tell you he doesn't need to be hanging out at his friends house until 4am. And they would be right. Why is he out at 4am when he has a family at home? Small children at that. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but there is no way I would put up with that. He should have gotten all that out of his system before he got married. Also, are you sure he is out with the guys drinking, and not with someone else?

Most men don't like their wives to have friends, in my opinion it's a control thing.
Mom need some 'space' as well.
We usually mess up when we first get married or together and make our men 'our' world, then comes the family and you end up living to please your man, kids and never yourself.
When men realize that you both are individuals that "choose" to be together and not let the relationship get in the way of the friendship you both had in the beginning, I think marriages would be a lot more happier and last longer.
Good Luck to you and always remember: Self preservation IS the survival of the fittest.

Hi E.,
i think you should have a talk with him and tell him that you need time with you new friends. You are only going out to lunch. Especially if he go's out till 4:00 in the morning.
You deserve some time for yourself, just like he takes time for him self.
I myself have been married for 14 yrs and go out to lunch with my girlfriends once a mth.
Hope this helps.

Well to tell you the truth it seems to me like there are issues to be talked about. If he feels like he should be the only person to receive his free time and not let you talk to any one else then he is definitely being "macho" like and sorry but i don't think that hanging out with your friends once in a while will start breaking your marriage apart that is just an excuse he wants to use in order to stop you from having any outside contact with anyone else. Why should he care about what your friends have to say about him if he has nothing to hide it seems to me like he wants to be the one in control and you are letting him. You just like him should be able to enjoy yourself once in a while not only him. Maybe he thinks just because he works and brings the money to the household he is being supportive to the marriage and relationship but in reality this is how marriages start having more problems because there are lies involved when you want to hang out with your friends and you have to be doing it behind his back just so you can avoid the conflict and then he is going to think even worse of the situation and cause you a bigger problem then it really is. I really suggest talking with him about it if that doesn't work which most times it doesn't then maybe you should seek marriage counseling in order to help him handle his mistrust and control issues.I hope this helps.

Sounds to me like your husband has some control issues. He may benefit from some counseling. I am also a stay at home mom and have been for 6 years now. My hubby encourages me to go out and be with friends when I get the chance. He wants me to get playdates ect. It refreshes me. No one can stay home with kids 24 hrs a day and still be sane. Women need other women to talk with and enjoy company with.

Well i have a best friend of mine who we practically grew up together and her husband used to do the same to her. He tried to seperate us. It didnt work she stood up to him and told him that she didnt take him away from his friends so she doesnt feel like he should take her away from hers. It took awhile but he finally got the picture that i wasnt going anywhere. We now hang out and get along great. He treats me like one of the family. He now gives her the space she needs to breathe. I hope this helps.......T. d.

You definitely need time for yourself! Any caregiver, especially moms, need to take care of themselves so they can take good care of their children. Let your husband know that just as he has time to himself, you deserve the same and would appreciate his support of your alone time. It seems as though he is insecure for some reason, so maybe it would help to reassure him that your marriage is not in jeopardy simply because you are going to spend time with friends, or make new friends. If he won't watch the kids while you go out, hire a babysitter, and then he should see that you're serious. Good luck and have fun with the girls!

HI E.
I have to agree with the other 2 ladies, Just because you married and had children it doesn't mean your life is over!
I have been married for 10 years now and have a 9 and 6 year old. My DH actively encourages me to get out, meet new people and have my own hobbies. This actually strengthens our marriage as I'm not so codependant on him. I do have to wonder though if he is this controlling, what would he say about you posting for help here?
Aslong as you aren't "looking for trouble" I can't see the harm in getting with a few girlfriends and being a woman for a few hours not someones mom or wife
My husband is military, so maybe thats why I'm more independant... but a relationship has to be built on trust... and if he's acting this way with you... maybe he doesn't trust you or the real underlying issue is He doesn't trust himself.
I don't know... but if it was me, I'd stand up to him....why should you hide your friends if you have nothing to hide?
good luck with whatever you decide
D.