Drama with My 4 Year Old...

Updated on August 22, 2010
A.B. asks from Matthews, NC
7 answers

I have two children, my daughter who is 4 and my son who is 3, they are 15 months apart. For the last several months my daughter has become more and more of what you would call a "drama queen". I say that with love, b/c she is just a little girl in a big world and I just don't know what to do to help her. To start off, she LOVES to get dressed up in her princess dresses, tiara's, shoes and necklaces. At first, when this phase began I liked it, dress up, play time, imaginary play - wonderful, right! Well, I think all the glitz and glamor has gone to her head. If she is not in a dress or a skirt she throws a fit in the morning. I give her two choices usually to pick from, and chances are she won't pick either and pick out a dress. Granted, I'm trying to encourage some independence and let her have some freedom of choice, but it's starting to get out of hand. She will collapse in a fit of screams if she "doesn't look pretty in it" as she says. If she can't twirl or "look like a princess" she doesn't want to wear it. Hair - that is another drama, I try to make her look nice each day, but combing and putting her hair up is also a battle. She will say, "I want to look like Belle, or Cinderella so I try to put her hair up and say it looks like that certain princess. Well, depending on the mood of the day will depend on if that is approved. Usually she runs off and grabs a headband and fixes her hair her way...sigh. I don't want to argue over these little things, I pick my battles. My days are full, long and tiring, between playing, puzzles, books, and cleaning it's a long day. I discipline when necessary, warnings, timeouts, and time in room. She will usually return with an apology if she has been sent to her room. But I wonder if she really understands why she has been sent to her room. I don't want to treat her like a little adult, but I don't want to baby her either. She is 4 and picking up so much from the world around her. I want to encourage independence but I want to keep it within reason. My pet peeve is when we start a project together - lets say baking brownies as we did this morning. I set up all the ingredients, two step stools, and have everything ready to go for equal participation. Immediately, if she is not sitting on the right chair, has the perfect spot to mix or thinks that I am not involving her, I set off a rocket of emotions. I try to either ignore some behaviors, redirect others, but in the end, she gets moody and huffs and puffs and then doesn't want to participate and gets mad. So I send her to her room b/c if she can't be nice and play, then why make it unpleasant for her brother and I. HELP! Is this just a phase? Have I let her have to much independence? What should I do to get back my little sweet girl who I had just a year ago when she was 3! Thanks!
A. B

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D.F.

answers from Boston on

I remember this stage..... Its summer so I would not battle if she wants to wear a skirt or dress, why not let her. Her hair well, I told my daughter if she is gong to make it a drama session I will get her a short hair cut. No more trouble there! I did baking and stuff with mine. You do the right things to correct her behavior. She is four and miss independent it seems...LOL. This all part of her learning and you teaching. No ever said it would be easy! hee hee. Pick your battles and enjoy her like you seem to be. Good luck!

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V.C.

answers from Wheeling on

I'm a grandma (with 4 adult children & 3 grands), and this sounds more like a 'control' issue than 'drama' to me. The more you try to appease and accommodate her, the more she will try to manipulate you. I'd suggest that you stop trying to make her 'happy' so much and start making what you say 'go'.

My deceased mother gave me a 'one liner' of parenting advice that will stand any mother (or father or other caregiver) in good stead. "Don't say anything to a child unless you mean it." This carries lots of ramifications, but it's very effective.
Think before you express an expectation.
If it doesn't matter, don't say it.
If you say it, MAKE it happen. (Don't let the child divert, coax, argue, or otherwise manipulate you or the situation).
This helps keep YOU -- as well as your child -- accountable to your own words.

I'm always analyzing (people) according to the 4 (or 5) temperaments, and I'd say you are a melancholy (who likes things done the 'proper' way) and that she is at least partly choleric (who likes things done HER way). It might help for you to read up on these temperaments and see if it helps you understand her (and everyone else) better.

Also Dr. James Dobson's book, 'The Strong Willed Child' (or other of his parenting books), and just about any book by Kevin Leman should be helpful @ http://www.drleman.com/store/.

God bless and happy parenting!

1 mom found this helpful
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N.B.

answers from Toledo on

I used to take care of a boy who LOVED Superman. He wore a Superman cape for months, literally. What's the harm in wearing princess dresses? Have you seen Brad and Angie's kids? They all dress themselves in whatever they want. I think it's OK to let her wear whatever she wants at this age, but it's not OK to have tantrums about it. You admit that your punishments vary, and that may be the cause for alot of this behavior. Settle on one thing and use it consistently. She never knows what you'll do, so she's always testing. Be calm, insist on please and thank you, and punish bad behavior the same way every time. She can't learn the rules if they are different every day.

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T.A.

answers from Nashville on

The princess thing makes me wonder if she's done the Bibbity Boppity thing at Disney...or if she just likes to dress up :) I think a little less princess time would be a good thing for her. Encourage her creativity outside of emulating a princess to be pretty. Praise her efforts outside of her appearance.
I agree with the post of following through on what you say. Too many parents take the easy way out and just do what is easy which results in children who know they don't really have to do what mom and dad say - they are going to get what they want anyway.
I don't think you have let her have too much independence - you have let her have too much control. She is 4 - her span of control should be - you have choice a or choice b which do you want?
Some of this is a phase, but how you deal with it will determine how long she stays in the phase and what is next. Good luck!

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P.O.

answers from Harrisburg on

I think this might just be a phase because I am battling the same type of imaginary, independence, want my own way, bossy type behavior. What I've done that works on occasion is tell him, if he doesn't do this, he doesn't get that, sometimes I will explain why some things have to get done, and other times I will let him throw his fits. Ex: We have a fake dollar that he was imagining going to the store to use this morning. He lost it, and came screaming to find it. I suggested he used something else. I guess that was a mistake, because he insisted it had to be that "green money"..He almost drove me insane trying to find that particular one. Finally I found it and boy was I relieved. If I am cooking and he is helping, he has to use a specific bowl and spoon (which so happen to be the one I do NOT want him to use) and here he goes again, so we compromise. It's all in a 4yr old day's work :-)) I am certain this too will pass.

K.G.

answers from Boca Raton on

Boo- I thought once they turned 4, they turned into little angels again... My son is 3.5 and has grown horns over the last few months lol. He's battling me on EVERYTHING!!!! I keep hearing "4" was the magical # and I'll get my little man back again... Guess 4 wasn't the magical #.... Your not alone!

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

You don't want to treat her like a little adult, but don't want to baby her either. I think you'll be amazed at how well you can find the perfect balance with the help of the amazing book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

As your child develops emotionally, the wisdom in this book will make it a resource you reach for again and again. It's my current favorite with my 4.5yo grandson, also very much into dressing up (as superheroes, in his case). The techniques and ideas are mutually respectful, and they work brillliantly. Find out how to recognize her needs in a way that she will find satisfying WITHOUT giving in to over-the-top demands.

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