Drinkers and Non-drinkers

I didn't drink until I was 21. I know exactly how you feel, and because of my experiences with my peers often trying to convince me to drink or thinking I was "weird" for not doing so, I am especially sensitive to protecting those around me who are not partaking, lest they start to feel awkward not drinking.

You are making those who are drinking more heavily feel uncomfortable because THEY are starting to count their own drinks and probably should stop, but can't or won't. So instead, they change their focus to you. My mother is also a very light, if ever, drinker, and she has always hated going to places with bars because of this attitude some people have.

I drink casually, and when someone I'm with nudges me to have just one more, I simply tell them, "No, I'm at my limit, but you go ahead and have one for me if you want."

Yes, it happened quite often. Same thing when I was a teenager and some were smoking pot. I never said anything to them, but boy would the harass me for not joining them.

I think this happens with other things too.

Take diet as an example. When I was a vegetarian, I couldn't go a week without someone saying something sort of snarky, "Oh, too good for beef, eh," or, "What's your problem with hamburgers," or, "Mmmmmm, so juicy and meaty (with added tone and body gestures)". Keep in mind that I didn't feel righteous and I wasn't doing it to prove any points, I just didn't want to eat meat.

Entertainment can lend as another example.
"I don't watch horror movies,"
"Come on, you'll be fine, just try it this one time,"
"No seriously, I can't handle them,"
"Oh, come on, don't be so dramatic",

or

"I don't watch television,"
"Why not,"
"I just don't,"
"How 'bout your kids,"
"Nope, not my kids either,"
"Oh, so you're one of those people who don't let their children have a normal childhood."

I think it's human nature to think
- Our way is the only/best way
- To be threatened by other ways and perceive other ways as an implication of our own ineptitude or flaws.

And then, there are other reasons too. I grew up in a first generation home and hospitality was taken very seriously. When someone comes into my home, it actually pains me when they won't accept food or drink. I've been taught that you offer again and again, until a person relents. Likewise, you decline any offers that might be received, and the host then pushes you to accept. It's a little cultural dance routine. This is tricky when I'm with people who grew up differently because the tradition I recognize as polite, could come across as overbearing/pushy.

And then, of course, we have our drinkers who have an unhealthy relationship to alcohol. It's funny, with relationships (people, places, or things), we often want company. So if I'm overdoing the sauce and feel guilty about it, I might feel slighted or shown up by you if you show a tendency towards moderation. I might feel better about my 6 shots if I see you take at least 2. Birds of a feather / misery likes company / denial...that sort of thing.

I'm a non drinker and have the odd uncomfortable moment when I have to turn down an invitation to drink, once, twice, thrice. I find humor is the best lubricant in these situations. A joke puts everyone at ease AND gives me the ability to set an assertive boundary.

I do not drink. ever. The last time I even had a sip of alcohol was almost 12 years ago. And before that it was 15 years ago! I just don't like alcohol. I have no desire to drink. People think it's weird. I have friends who drink and I also have no problem being around them or others who are drinking. I've had random people that I don't even know as me if it's a religious thing, lol! I just said "nope, I just don't like to drink". I get odd looks and stuff too. Oh well. I don't care.
So, your not alone. People think I'm weird too!!

I've never had a drink in my life, and I never will.

People assume I'm NOT having fun, because they can't imagine going out and having fun without alcohol. And, you know...other drunk people aren't going to remember all the embarrassing details of the night before. Sober people will. (I've had people tell me I make them nervous, because I'll remember how stupid they look.) Yes, there have been people who seemed on a quest to get me to have a sip.

Honestly? I had to find like minded people, because it stopped being fun for me. I hate being the only sober one, because it's like I'm not in on the joke. But, I hate alcohol (for myself) even more. I feel like I have more fun with people who don't really drink.

My trick is to buy a coke and ask the bartender to put it into a glass that he would server rum and coke in. Then, even if it gets refilled, its still coke, but no one else knows. I know it shouldn't come to this, but hey, it works.

I have also said that it interacts with a medication that I am on.

Or, you could just stand up for yourself and say that you choose not too. Obviously this is more confrontational, and really I do the rum and coke thing.

I am also not a big drinker. Probably only socially once every 6-8 weeks and even then I don't have enough to suffer for it the next day. My choice - I cannot stand hangovers (I actually used to get really depressed if I had a hangover) , it is so not worth wasting a day suffering. I do have friends who drink often, not to the extent of being drunk but a couple of glasses of wine a night then much more at the weekend. It is just not for me. I too have had people practically begging me to have a drink if they are and I really believe its because they think you will be judging them or their behaviour and I don't believe its because they want you to have a good time, let your hair down etc.. I def do not let people talk me into having a drink if I don't want one.

My opinion about why the heavy drinkers are after you to drink more is that it justifies them imbibing too much. There's a point that crosses a line. That line is different in different people. Certainly, spending too much money on drinks crosses the line. Drinking and driving ALWAYS crosses the line. Not being able to turn down a drink or drinking every day crosses a line. Constantly looking at the clock to see when it's time for a drink crosses a line. Putting going out for drinks over family does too.

The question I would have, if I were you, about these people giving you a hard time, is do they fit any of these points? If so, perhaps you could take them aside and tell them you are concerned that they are pickling their liver and putting themselves in the poorhouse with so much drinking. Tell them that you have a limit that makes sense for you and you are worried if they have one. Possibly, they'll laugh you off, or they may get pissed and fuss at you. Probably, they'll stop trying to get you to drink more after this because you've hit too close to home in that discussion and they won't want to hear it again.

How does that sound?

Dawn

That used to happen to me all the time.

I went through my 'party' phase, where I drank a lot... Then I got over it, and decided I enjoyed social drinking more... When I cut back my drinking my friends would keep on trying to get me drinking like I used to... But I just wasn't into it. I have a lot more fun just nursing one to three drinks, maybe getting a light buzz. I don't enjoy getting drunk any more.

One night, we were having a 'game night' at home, and they were pestering me and pestering me to have another drink, and wouldn't quit, until I completely blew up at them. Since I am the type of person who NEVER gets mad, it really had a huge impact on them. They never pestered me again. :)

I think it must be partly what TalkstoTrees hit on.

I am a drinker. Not more than 2 drinks, normally and not every time we go out. But a glass of wine or two with dinner out or at a party or whatever. Or beer if it is more of a sports type event (with salty snacks and such to nibble on... beer just goes better). But I don't normally say anything to anyone who ISN'T drinking. Everyone has their reason(s) why they are or aren't drinking and they aren't my business. For some it might be financial, because buying drinks in a restaurant is a ridiculous mark-up. But so is soda.
First you said that when people find out you aren't drinking they can't help but comment about it, but then you seemed to clarify later that it seems like the "heavy drinkers" are after you. I think that the people who are drinking more heavily DO want you to drink, because they feel like you are highlighting how much they are drinking when you don't. It's their own perception. It calls attention to how much they are consuming. And that makes them feel uncomfortable. It doesn't mean you are doing that, but that is how they probably perceive it. But it also could mean something else, depending upon the situation/circumstances.

Curious, I wonder how many of your 'just having one' friends ask you to imbibe also, regularly.

We have a couple that we go to dinner with regularly. Sometimes the husband has a couple of beers. Sometimes one. Sometimes none. Husband and I both consume (beer for him and usually wine for me, but not always). I know that this couple drinks. But they don't usually choose to drink at dinner out. It wouldn't matter to me if they didn't drink at all, ever.... I still wouldn't ask them if they wanted one.

Now if a server is standing there waiting to take a drink order from the people at the table and they are clueless, I might nudge them ask them to get their attention or something to clue them in. But that just means order if you want something, not necessarily alcoholic beverages. It could be water. Although often, the servers take alcohol orders like an appetizer order and come back for the other drink orders. It can take longer because they have to get them from the bar/bartender and the other drinks they can get for themselves, so they take the "bar" orders first.

All in all, though, especially in a casual party type atmosphere, I think people are just trying to be sure you aren't accidentally excluded somehow. Not urging you to do something you don't want. Just trying to be inclusive. I mean, we aren't teenagers trying to get our peers to do what we are, you know?

It happens often, but I take it that they want to have a good time with me. I take it as a compliment, even when they tease and call me party-pooper. Just smile and say you can't keep up.

Conversely, I used to work with addiction and you are making the heavy drinkers nervous. That's inevitable and so are their comments. Again, neither here nor there - their problem.

99% of the time, I've found it's because they're already drinking (aka have poor impulse control) and what they're TRYING to say is. "We want you to enjoy yourself, kick back, and not have to wear the 'responsibility hat'! We like you and won't judge you tomorrow for anything that happens tonight!"

As opposed to "Drink, or I won't respect you!" (The alcoholic contingent does this)

I'm ADHD. I'm wilder/ have less impulse control than most people totally hammered ... Do the same things drunk or sober. My impulse control is TOTALLY LEARNED, not automatic, so for ME, other people drinking just means I can choose to be my silly self (instead of my learned impulse control self) when other people are drinking.

((I can't count the number of times people have assumed I'm as drunk as they are, or they're embarrassed the next day... And I'm not. On either score. I think table dancing or sitting around fahddling -chatting to no purpose other than to enjoy the other persons company-, or jumping in a pool with my clothes on, or dancing to the wee hours is FUN / don't need a social lubricant to do so... I need an iron will NOT to do so. Plus, I like being able to drive home whenever I please. For a year or two, I drank like a fish. I found its merely throwing money away since I get the same effect for free.))

Now I WILL (or at least have) drank purely to put other people at ease. I can nurse a beer ALL night (I can also pound it). Depends on the situation.

MOST people, I've noticed, just want you to be happy / let your hair down / feel okay doing so/ are being polite.

LOL, I've done this before, too... When I'm in hostess mode. Walk around pressing drinks on people / filling up their glasses. But it matters not a whit to me if it's alcohol, soda, water. I spent too many years in the south to let someone be in my house without a drink in their hand and a mental map to the bathroom 2 seconds after entering my home!

I'm a very light drinker. When I go out I nurse one wine or beer all night with like 5 pints of water and a meal. Or I'll have no drinks. Most of my social friends are childless (or have older independent kids) heavy drinkers. None of them have ever made a comment to me. I always assume it's because they like me, I'm their friend, they know I have little kids and they know I'm driving. OR maybe they don't even notice!! I think it's odd that people do that. I've seen it done before. I'm glad my friends don't do it. On the odd occasion that someone has said, "Oh c'mon, just one more" it's been in the spirit of trying to be generous and buy me one, or let me know it's "OK" in a friendly way, which I don't mind. When I happily say "no thanks" there hasn't been any weirdness.....well, when I was in my twenties people were more "pushy"....how old are these people? Older people tend to be less silly about that stuff.

yes, the same thing happens to me all the time. i think that disguising soda or juice as alcohol is lame and weak. if you dont want to drink, dont drink. if it bothers those around you that is their issue. i like the taste of soda and tea over liquor so i do what i want.

We don't drink, and since most of are friends have similar values, we aren't faced with this either since they don't drink.

However, my husband does go on business trips where he does get pressure to drink from his co-workers. It does seem odd that they gang up on the non-drinker. Like they should care if someone chooses not to drink. I agree it is odd.

Like, if we were at IHOP together, I wouldn't hassle you if you got orange juice and I got milk. "Hey, Mama Bird.. why don't you drink a couple of milks with me!?" Weird.

DH is the non-drinker in our group. We live in a smaller community where there are 2x as many bars as there are churchs. It seems like everyone drinks, A LOT. (Most of the dry people around here are recovered alcoholics.) Our acquaintences we hang with are just thrilled to have a DD they can rely on. But they still ask, everytime, why DH doesn't drink. He tells them he doesn't care for it, and they usually leave it alone. I get the sense that they are usually worried that he's going to judge them for drinking, but once they find out he is not, they leave it be. Again, they LOVE their DD!

I would consider myself a non-drinker - every once in a while I will have a glass of wine or alcoholic beverage but I wouldn't even say that happens monthly. I absolutely experience this, including from my own husband who has told me that I really should drink more. I don't like the taste of alcohol and am perfectly happy and able to enjoy myself without it. And have never understood another person's need to comment on my not drinking. I've never passed judgement on my friends who drink and had assumed that as I got older I would not experience peer pressure anymore. Sadly, even as I approach 40 I feel like people are always commenting that I don't drink or try pushing me to do so. Very annoying and frustrating. I'm right there with you.

Yea that happens to me most of the time, I drink, on special occasions or when its Girls Night Out, or if I host a party. Sometimes I have the girls come over and I keep Wine and Beer, and other drinks in my house but sometimes they ask why I dont drink I just tell them Im not really a heavy drinker.
Wine is my favorite though ;)

What it is, is that they want to justify their heavy drinking by trying to pressure you into doing the same. Sounds like maybe you need to find a new crowd, that isn't acting like you're all in high school.

What age are your friends? The last time this was actually an issue with friends was when we were in college.

This happens to me whenever I'm out in a social situation with others outside of my family. It is odd but honestly the way I view it is that I choose my path they choose theirs. Is it annoying to be told you should drink more? Heck yes it is but at the same time I have extremely personal reasons for not drinking more than I do. Generally speaking I just say I don't drink because it's hard to explain that while I do drink it is perhaps at most three to four times in a year and even then it's one drink perhaps two at the most.

Don't let others bother you. Know that you're better off for your choice not to drink as much as others if at all. No I'm not saying people who drink are bad but some of the time people feel that you must drink in order to enjoy yourself and being around sober people makes them uncomfortable.

I just drink cranberry with seltzer in a wine glass. It looks like red wine. I sip it throughout the party or whatever the social event is. No one knows the difference.

I don't drink either. I think I have had about 10 drinks in my life, never been drunk. My friends know that and have never made me feel weird about it at ALL. They always politely ask if I would like a drink, I usually say no, and then they ask if I would like a Diet Coke. I usually say yes. lol
L.

I stopped drinking just over a year ago. I don't really go into situations where there is a lot of drinking. If I did I would prob have an NA beer. My friends drink responsibly so they don't push it on me. I do have some big drinker friends but they know I don't drink so they leave me alone.

Are you hanging at the bar with a bunch of acquaintances? I would prob stop that as it would be annoying. Plus drunks are annoying when your sober lol

Yep, happens to me too. I have never been very interested in drinking for "fun." I might have 1-2 drinks over the course of an evening out with my husband, or if we are at a wedding maybe 3, but never to the point of excess. It's been 12 years since I have overdone it, and that time was only because I had NO idea what my tolerance was as I had never had been to a drinking party.

My husband's friend/colleague is ALWAYS drunk when I see him at work functions. He's an annoyingly loud drunk, and always tries to get me to drink more, or to dance with him (I don't dance with men who aren't my husband or family members.) I always assumed that he does it because if he can get others to be drunk & loud like him, then maybe he won't look so bad. I dunno though, that may sound judgmental, but that's just what it seems like to me.

it is a funny phenom. i drink so seldom it's almost not at all (i get tipsy way too easily) so social drinking can be awkward for me too. there's really nothing to be done but smile, keep declining, and keep having fun!
:) khairete
S.

No, I usually have one drink. If it bothers you so much...order a Virgin Mary and say it's a Bloody Mary. Drink Coke and say it's Coke and Jack. That way they will leave you alone.

All my true friend know that I just can't find any alcohol that tastes good to me. If I drank when we went out dancing at clubs it would be a Colorado Bulldog, also known as a Fuzzy Bear. I has coke, a bit of milk, vodka, and Kahlua in it. It tastes like a coke float sort of. I like them okay but after one I am all giggly and goofy. A cheap date for sure.

Anyway.....they are my friends and know I just don't like the taste of most drinks. They also know me well enough to know they aren't going to get me drinking something that tastes nasty to me.

One time my friend was drinking beer and she kept telling me to have some. I finally put some in a glass just to appease her. I wasn't drinking it but sipping at most. Maybe you'd call it fake drinking it. I was really gagging at that point just trying to pretend drinking it and the smell was really gross to me. She finally realized I didn't really want it and never bugged me again.

If they are your friends then they should know you well enough to know what you like and don't like. If they are casual acquaintances then it doesn't really matter what they think. Just say no thank you, I don't really like the flavor of that drink. Then leave it at that.

If there is something that you do like then ask for that, even if it's a mixed drink, and sip on it. If one is enough for the entire evening then make it last the entire evening and put the half full drink on the table at the end of the party.

I sometimes have that problem. After declining, my 'friends' usually comment w/something like "What...don't you drink???" I usually say "of course I drink, just not alcoholic beverages" & they may say something like "Oh" or they may ask me a couple more times but get the hint I'm not interested. Last time I went out w/a girlfriend, we went to a club she likes & we were sitting at the bar, she ordered a drink & looked at me & said "Aren't you gonna drink???" I told her I'd think about it then ordered one crown punch but that's all I had. I like Seagram's wine coolers...very tasty but it takes me a couple days just to drink one then I end up pouring it out b/c it sat too long & I enjoy a good hand-made Jack punch or Crown punch but that's about all. Another girlfriend brought over a bottle of wine & was upset & disappointed I didn't drink wine. Well if she'd have asked first, I would've saved her the trouble of bringing it over. Then she left it here at our house for us to drink even after we told her we don't like wine. We poured it out & she got upset w/us when she came over again & asked where it was. I don't like the taste of alcohol it tastes like "Alcohol", it doesn't taste good to me & generally doesn't sit well w/me, even just a little bit makes me sick to my stomach. I hate the taste & smell of beer so I don't drink it either. My friends are usually fine w/it. As for your dilemma, I'd just say "No thanks, I'm good" & just explain that you don't drink alcoholic beverages. Your friends will understand & accept your decline. If other people are making you feel obligated, perhaps you need a different group of friends that doesn't make you feel inadequate just b/c you don't want to participate. Good luck!

My sister takes medicine for an anxiety condition and always just tells people she is allergic to alcohol or is on anti-biotics. The anti-biotic story is definitely easier. I just avoid these situations unless I absolutely have to go. Especially work related things. I do not want to be pushed into drinking and I do not want people saying things about me. Hence' I'm busy' also comes into play quite well.

I am a very light drinker as well, but don't have many issues with it. My friends don't have a problem with it. Often I am the driver in the bunch, and if someone asks why I'm not drinking, I tell them I'm the driver and they leave me alone.

I have more of an issue with people trying to force food on me. I'm not a big eater, and people seem to have a huge issue with that. I don't eat much, and there is nothing wrong with me for that. I get so tired of explaining that I am fine, but I just don't want/need to eat a bunch of food. It's incredibly annoying.