Emotional Preparation for Having Baby #2 - Carlsbad,CA

Hi J.,

I so understand what you are saying. I got pregnant with number 2 by "accident" when my first daughter was only 3 months old. (Long story, just didn't think it would happen so soon...) Anyway, I was so not emotionally ready to be pregnant again and was absolutely devastated to find out I was. Then, when number 2 was born, 2 days before number 1's birthday, it was terrible. I was so sad to be away from my daughter and I felt so guilty. I couldn't imagine loving another one like I loved my daughter. In the beginning it was really hard, and it probably took about 2 months, but now I am so totally in love with the baby. She's 4 months now and I absolutely adore her. My older daughter became a daddy's girl when the new baby was born, but I try to spend a lot of time with her when the baby is sleeping. It is tiring, but I can tell you I am thrilled that the baby is here. I feel like she is my "soulmate". I actually feel more guilty now that I don't have as much time to spend with her as I did with the first one! Funny that. Anyway, that is my story. I wish you luck.

I had the same fears. Everyone told me that you just do. It just hits you the second you see that new little baby and let me tell you, it does. I was hit with the truck of love all over again. My girls are now 4 and 2 and nothing fills my heart more then watching my sweet little girls play together. You will love two. It does just happen.

Good Luck and remember you heart is really big.

D.

You are not going to notice any difference in the amount of love you give the new child. Love expands to encompass the folks around us.

J.,
While I can't speak about having more that one child as we are just preparing to be parents for the first time, as the 7th and youngest child or our clan, I can not imagine my life without my siblings. My relationship with my sisters is rich. We are sisters, friends, confidants, allies, and all around supportive of one another. Usually, sibling relationships are the longest relationships of a person's life. They share the same history and stories. My husband and I feel like we need to have 2 children so that they will have each other.

I understand your concern that having a 2nd child would take time and attention away from your son but what you will be giving him will be the gift of a brother or sister. He gets the role of being "the oldest" and will learn invaluable emotional and social lessons. It is true that your youngest child, in turn, would not get the same level or attention and time from you that your 1st born received, but there are many advantages to being the youngest. He/She will get a big brother, a playmate, and protector (as well as rival, let's be honest) and there is less pressure on a younger child to perform, etc. than on the first born. Usually, child #2 idolizes child #1, even with sibling rivalry mixed in.

Remember, too, that you are looking at your son as the 2 year old little boy that he is. But that little boy will grow to be in grade school, move on to high school, go to college, and likely get married and have kids of his own. Having a sibling would enrich all of those life experiences for him. You don't have the ability to provide all the relationship needs that a sibling can provide. Also, your grandchildren will get to have an aunt or uncle to dote on them. Even in sibling relationships that are not close, in most cases they are happy to have each other during holidays and big life events.

You are obviously a very sensitive and connected mother. You may feel better if you do a little research on child birth order and the impact of sibling relationships. When you are ready, and if you choose to have another child, you will very likely do exactly what so many other mothers have done in response to your question, You will calm another mom's fears by telling them how much you love your 2nd child and that the joy you receive from your family grew exponentially.

Wishing you all the best,
L.

Having a second Child was definately something we always planned, but boy did we not know what to expect. The pregnancy went great but I had such anxiety about my little precious angel daughter being bumped aside. I made her a total part of the entire pregnancy. She came with me to my doctors appointments and listened to the heart beat, got to see the ultrasounds, went shopping with me. She became a part of the growing experiance. She never had to feel left out cause I included her in everything..all the way down to decorating the nursery. I feel like because she was so involved she was so anxiously and excitedly awaiting the babies birth just as we were. We talked lots about having a baby in the hosue nad how Mommy would have to take care of the baby a lot and that she was now the big sis. We also took her to a sibling class, and got a couple sibling books. So she was ecstatic and never had any animosity twords the baby.
That being said now for myself and my husband.. I cried for the last weeks of my pregnancy over the fact that I didnt want my precious girl to ever once feel left out, or replaced, etc. Or that the new baby would arrive nad I wouldnt love him the same. We made out a plan that everytime baby slept We would spend it with her, even if it meant having her cuddle up with us and nap too. We'd also switch off with baby and one of us would get to spend quality alone time with baby while the other spent quality alone time with our older child. It worked out really well and we never had any issues. My daughter was 2 1/2 when my son was born, so we were scared for toddler issues but really it neer surfaced. If she wants to specifically spend time with either of us she will ask if mom or dad can take the baby and we never object. WE switch off and she gets whom evers full attention.
Now I'm not saying it will be all fun and laughs... because I'd be lying. Going from one kid to two is a very hard transition. It took quite some getting used to. Me nad my husband had quite a few fights for what seemed like ages. But really it was just that first 2 months. I'd say. We knew that it was going to be tough with a two year old and the craziness of a newborn all mixedin with hormones, and healing.
I feel like if you are aware of the craziness that will become your life and prepare for it..it will be a smooth transition and honestly I love them both the same I cant even try to separate the love. It's weird, how it happens. Just prepare yourself and get on a united front and take every challenge on together as a family. One that child is here all anxiety will go away and everyone will eventually get into a schedule and routine. My son is 6 months and dughter will be 3 next month and we all run like a perfectly oiled machine...with our occasional moments of total chaos. .. But I wouldnt trade a minute of it. We are also in talks over a third child. So good luck to you and go for it!

Hi J.! I had the exact same worries and now that I look back it seems so silly that I would even have had concerns about loving my 2nd as much as the 1st. I love my children with the exact same amount of love. My oldest is 3yrs 4months and youngest is 6 months and that age gap has worked well for us. Like Meredith, I am done having children, so my 1st is special because she opened my eyes to the wonderful world of parenthood. My second is special because he is my last, so I cherish every little moment. I thought that his milestones wouldn't bring me the joy that my daughter's did since I had already witnessed it before. It's so not true! I was giddy when my son smiled, rolled over and sat up for the first time. I have vowed to treat my children the same and although it is not always easy, I am doing my best. I have the same calendar to track all of his firsts and I get his pictures professionally done at the same ages that I had my daughter's done. If anything this has been a reminder of just how wonderful it is to have a baby around again.

To ensure that my daughter would not feel left out, I have included her in everything. She hands me the wipes, picks out the clothes he will wear, etc. What really helped transition my daughter into the role of big sister was buying her a gift. We gave it to her on our ride home from the hospital and told her it was from her brother and he loved her very much. She seemed genuinely touched by this. My daughter is super protective of her baby brother and loves to make him giggle. Watching the two of them play together is the best thing in the world and I am so happy to have them both.

Someone once told me that the best gift you can give your child is a sibling and in our case, that is absolutely the truth.

You are seeing this all wrong!

Second-borns are almost always more easy-going, laid-back babies and children than 1st borns. Instead of feeling sorry for #2 because he or she will never have the undivided attention that #1 had, why not feel sorry for #1 because he had a rookie mom? #2 will have the benefit of your experience, as well as the added love of an older brother.

Instead of feeling sorry that #1 will no longer have your undivided attention, be glad that he will grow up with the tremendous benefit of a sibling. Mommies are fantastic for the first few years. After that, kids need playmates.

Did you resent your older brother? Your younger brother? Did you feel that your mom loved one of you more than the others? Did you feel starved for attention or neglected? If, on the off chance you did, it was your mom's mistake, not the fact that there were three kids in the family.

I have four sons - 26, 23, 21, and 8 - and each of them believes they are my favorite. The last one, the 8 year old, was a complete surprise and, I will admit here but never to him, in no way planned. Just the opposite. He was a big surprise at a time in my life when I thought my "baby days" were far behind me. Being extremely close to my older sons, I did worry and wonder if I'd have the same intense love and attachment to this late-comer. The answer was - OF COURSE I did. We just do. My sons are all correct. Each of them IS my favorite, and I love each of them the most.

As for loving that second child, its kind of like childbirth. People can describe it to you, but until you go through it yourself, you can't really imagine or grasp it.

And here is a mind-blowing news flash for you... you want to talk about over-the-top, unconditional, outrageous love? Just wait until your first GRANDCHILD is placed in your arms! I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love my kids. Well, grandchildren transcend even that. A good long time in the future for you, but something to look forward to. :0)

I understand how you feel. I worried a lot that having my second son would ruin the wonderful rapport I had with my first son, and that I wouldn't be able to have the same kind of bond with my second son I had with my first. Of course it didn't happen that way at all. I didn't stop being the mom I had been to my oldest; I just had more to teach him, about being a big brother. My second son turned out to be a very different person from my first, with wonderful qualities all his own, and watching him grow was a unique experience, even though I had "been there before." (In fact, I'd say that having the second was in some ways easier, because I didn't have all that anxiety about doing things right. He definitely benefited from not having a newbie mom!) Now one of my greatest joys is seeing the love all three of my boys have for one another (and I love hearing the cute things they say to one another when they think I'm not around). Having siblings is a great way for children to learn many of the good qualities we want them to have, such as compassion, affection, tolerance, patience, etc., and learning these qualities at home will make them happier people in the rest of their lives because they will have the tools to be good friends and good citizens. Seeing those qualities blossom makes me love my sons even more than I already do! Try not to worry; you are obviously a mindful mom and though it is hard to imagine, your heart is big enough for another child, too.

Hi J.. WOW!! That is a good question. I have four beautiful children. And honestly I love them all the same, but different. Each child is different. Your second child will be so blessed to have all this attention from mom, dad and a big brother. Actually the second child is luckier than the first in my experience. LOL! My 4th child gets so much attention from all 3 siblings mom and dad. Lordy! She is so spoiled with love. She loves it. And your older son will like the responsibility of helping you with his little sibling. When I was pregnant with each child after my first. I told them that this is your baby. We are having a baby. And when the baby was finally here they felt so protective and wanted to to do everything for their little sibling. So I let them. What is it like emotionally to have another child? That is your question? It is emotionally great to have so much love for all of your children and when they are both hugging and kissing all over you the feeling is overwhelming. Hard to explain. It's the best feeling ever. What completes me is knowing that they will always have each other. They will protect and look out for each other forever. Even when dad and I aren't able too. Wish you luck!

D.

I felt the same way before our second child was born, and now looking back, I realize how silly I was being. We love her just as much as our first, and we love our third just as much as the other two. You love all of your children equally, but for different reasons (aside from the fact that you gave birth to them.) Don't worry, you will love a new baby just as much as you love your son. Your son won't suffer, either. My children absolutely ADORE their siblings. Good luck! :)

It feels like a double blessing... you will be amazed at how MUCH your heart can grow... and love BOTH children. The heart does not discriminate or "measure" how much love each child has... only the mind & imagination does. It's a "mind" problem...not a heart/love problem.

The human spirit and heart is capable of infinite capacity...do not worry. I too wondered about this, before I had my 2nd child.
But as your pregnancy progresses and then you actually have your 2nd child in hand.... it will come full circle and all your previous worries about "loving a 2nd" will wash away.

Love just is... and each child will know and feel it. My first child asks me "Mommy do you love brother more?" And I say "You are always my first baby... and he will always be my 2nd...but I love you both always and forever the same. It doesn't matter who came first or last."

And don't worry about attention... it is just something you will have to do, and it will come, and a Mom will naturally rise to the occasion.. looking at your children's faces will only give you incentive and refresh your spirit too, when you are too tired. And you will need to teach them about "being" a sibling and a "team." Nurture this from the start...and it will provide them with a foundation of empathy for each other.

Don't worry... the instant you have another child, it will all "make sense."

All the best,
Susan

I totally understand what you mean by saying you feel sad that your 2nd child will not have the same time/attention as your 1st child, because honestly it won't. However, it will have different attention because there will be three of you (you, husband and your son) to give it this time. I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 month old son now - and I totally felt similar feelings as you, I mostly felt sad about my 1st born feeling sad because he had to share me. I would say the first week was tough for all of us - but after that it was just like our 2nd son had always been with us. I also see the love that our 1st son has for his little brother (and our baby LOVES his older brother) and it is just the most uplifting, amazing feeling to see and feel that. Their is nothing like having a sibling - I truly beleive it is the best gift you can give to your child.

Here is my advice to you.....when you think you can't love your son any more, some how when you wake up the next morning you love him more. This exact phenomenom happens with your 2nd baby. I was (and still am) so completely obsessed and in love with my husband before we had children, all I cared about was being with him and spending every possible moment with him...I couldn't imagine this same feeling with another person until our 1st baby came along. Then, it happened again when baby #2 came.........I would tell you to stop worrying right now about the attention and love you will give that 2nd baby. It will all come just as it came with your 1st. Think about how wonderful it will be for your firstborn to have a sibling - I think this is what I primarily focused on and it made everything a lot easier. Also, you said that you are a child of three - was attention different between the three of you? If so, learn from your parents.

Good luck! Once you are pregnant with baby #2 your fears will start to pass. And once you have the baby, they will be gone. Somehow, we just work it all out naturally!

The most wonderful thing about children is that each one is a unique individual. I am a mother of five. Since each child is different, your experiences will be different with each, your love for each will be unique. The dynamics of your family will change but the Universe will put your child in the order their meant to be in. I understand that the first child experiences seem all encompassing, believe me when I say it will be the same way with #2. When you do have child #2, it will be an important relationship for your first child as well as for you. Help your son to grow his love for his sibling. Everything will fall into place and then you wouldn't believe that you ever could of felt now like you do.
I wish you all the luck.

God designed our bodies and minds in a wonderful way. Just relax and enjoy it. You will be amazed at how much you love that little baby, beginning when you feel it move inside you, and then when handed to you at birth. You have the capacity for infinite love. Just let it happen!!

I have 4 children. As each one arrived, the love I felt was the same but different. As far as the time spent with each, I make sure that each of mine gets personal time. I schedule it if I have to. You could also think of ways that your son could help with the new baby, and make sure that he gets to hold the baby either in the hospital or when you get home. This will help him not feel left out during the time that the baby requires a lot of attention. This is what my parents did with my brothers/sisters(I am the oldest of 9) and we never felt left out. We were actually excited about the new baby because we were involved. We got to go to the dr. appt. with my mom while she was pregnant and got to hear the heart beat and see the ultrasound pictures. This worked for me and for my kids. You may not feel that you could love another baby as much as you love your son but as soon as the new one arrives you will, and the love for your son doesn't diminish at all. This is hard to describe, it's something you have to experiance.

Hello J.,

I had the same feelings when I decided to have number two. My oldest is 5 now and my baby it 13 months. I had many years just my oldest and I. I thought all the things you did but with a push from my mom went ahead and had another. Obviously I am so happy I did!!! I will tell you that you dont love one more or less but you do love them differently. They each have there own talents and personalities. One drives me nuts all the time and is on the go and the other loves to snuggle and cuddle. Only you can make the choice on having another but do know that yes you will feel guilt but there is nothing else like have two little ones.

I'd vote for just having one and raising him right and well. A lot of research is pro-one child.

You think you could never love another child at first then number 2 arrives and they are actually loved more than child number 1 becasuse there are 3 of you to fuss over the little one and the dynamics just fall into place. I had all the same feelings and once we had child number 2 everything was perfect. So no worries about no spending time with a future child. You actually are so busy you have no time to worry about who is getting more of your time. The first time you experience that grin on your first born face when they see there sibling for the first time or want to help out with the family your heart melts and you know you will are forever a family.

Hi J.,
I'm wondering if you've explored the idea that your feelings of displacement when your younger brother was born, or your mother's treatment of you as her second child might be having some effect on your current feelings of concern.
Wishing you all the best in expanding your family,
K.

First of all, everything that you are feeling is completely NORMAL. I felt the same way too. I found out I was PG with #2 four days before my son's 1st b-day. I already felt that he was being robbed. But, I have to tell you honestly that his sibling is one of the best gifts that we could give him. It's true that no other child will get the same amt of attn and you may not be able to focus as much attn on your first born but, the gifts definitely outweigh any of that. You're giving him a playmate. Someone to conspire against you. You're teaching him from a young age how to share the limelight and how to share. He is also young enough that he may never remember life without his younger sibling. You're also giving him someone to cope and lean on when you and your husband are older or pass on. I don't always get along with my brothers and sister. We're all different people but, we are definiely there for each other particularly when my mom was sick and died. Or, when my father has had recent bouts with illness. I'm glad that my son will have his sister and vice versa for that. In the end, having a child is a very personal decision so you have to do what is best for you and your family. Good luck!

I know how you feel! When I was pregnant with my second one, I often wondered how on earth I could love another baby to the extent I loved my first.

I'm here to tell ya, the second she was born (both my girls were preemies.. 31 and 29 weeks) it was the same overwhelming feeling of instant love! Just as great as the first!

I know, it doesn't seem possible, but it is.. Time wise, you manage! Everything works out! Both kids are loved and both kids get the attention they want and need! The only difference is that it takes away from more of my personal time! But, at the end of the day, I am more than willing to give it up for them.. kwim?

So, hang in there! I know it's a weird feeling, but as soon as the next little one arrives, your mind is set at ease!

Hi J.,
I just want you to know that what you are going trough is normal. I remember holding my two year old daughter and crying because I could never love another child as much as I loved her. I went on to have 2 sons who are the lights of my life. Your heart really does expand and grow. I am now the grandmother of 2 (a girl-biological, and a boy-adopted). I love them both so much but I know my heart can expand even more to include many, many more granddchildren. Take care and good luck.

I couldn't really imagine loving a second child as much as the first, but it is one of nature's miracles that your capacity for loving your children is apparently unlimited. I can guarantee that you will feel overwelmed with love for your second child just as you did your first. We tried to get pregnant with our second child at about the two year mark, but it took awhile and our girls are almost 4 years apart. Our first daughter had been the center of everyone's attention. Looking back, I think she was sort of receiving TOO MUCH attention. We weren't allowing her the experience of learning to share, which is something all healthy people must learn to do if they are going to be decent human beings. It did take our second daughter awhile to get used to sharing our attention. They still vie for our attention. The younger one is currently feeling somewhat resentful that her sister spends time with her boyfriend. I guess we all want to be the center of attention all the time! I know I do! You will discover that you are up to the challenges, and you can always come back to Mamasource if something specific comes up. I really found the second one a lot easier because I had been through things before. I didn't get wigged out about feeding schedules or bowel movements or any of the other things that torment first time mothers.
Good luck with your wonderful adventure. It will be a good thing for you and your first child.

Oh J.,

You worry, worry, worry. Rest my dear. It is not like you think it will be. When that baby comes, it's the love you felt with the first one. It's even more joyful to see older brother hold and love baby. Nature and life have a way of falling all into place. Dont worry about things that arent even here. I have felt the exact same feeling you're having, in my imagination. It doesnt exist---that uneven love.
I am a single mom of two girls now. Each have their own character that is not comparable to the other...they are individuals and double the fun. The older will not get cheated, and the younger will not get less love.

Wendy

Hi J., I'm sure that you've had plenty of responses already (today is Sunday). I think that just about every mother goes through your feelings. Once you have child #2, you'll look back and smile. Love doesn't work like our fears dictate...you will expand emotionally and have plenty of love for both children. TIme will be different, true- but child #2 will not be cheated....believe me. I went through the exact same feelings. I was blessed with three children, and definitely had "enough" love for all of them.

All I can say is that I think your heart just grows twice as big to make enough room for all of the kids you have. I feel that having siblings close together is a very big selling point. My two older daughters are 16 and 18 and have been best friends their entire lives. I have remarried and have a 2-year-old boy and am pregnant with another boy due in December, so again-they will be about 2 years apart. I was 5 and 8 years apart from my sisters and we had absolutely nothing in common until we were much older and had children. As a matter of fact, one of my sisters never had children and we don't even really talk because we never really bonded. It takes 9 months for the baby to come anyhow, so you know that your child will be about 3 when it's born. That is more years than most children get mommy and daddy all to them selves. Of course, you are the one that has to be ready-but there is a lot to consider. Good luck with your decision. I will be 39 when this child is born. I had an amnio and everything is Okay. Age of the parents is another factor as far as being able to conceive and the chances of abnormalities increase with age.

J.,
Do not worry, you will love your babies! I have recent experience of this. My daughter is two and my newest daughter just turned 4 months! It can be very challenging just trying to spend time with both of them and show them your love, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me, don't wait longer to have a baby if it is really what you want. I love that my girls are close in age because the oldest helps out and she makes her little sis laugh and smile so big! What a joy to watch!!! Your son might need a few weeks of adjusting, but he will, and he will love the new baby if you show him how and include him. Trust me, you will have LOTS of love to go around! I was nervous the same way, but your love grows and goes beyond what you think is possible. Now is a great time to give your son a playmate and to show him what love and family is by adding to your family!

good luck!

I don't have any advice, except that I could have written your post.
I am actually pregnant with #2 and this pregnancy has been filled with angst and worry about not only caring for 2 kids, but how I'm going to feel emotionally about this new baby.
Good luck. I guess I will soon find out the truth myself.

J. PLEASE do not think for a moment you are alone on this. I am a 43 year old grandma of an 8 month old ..I have two kids 22 20 and 15..
I know exactly what you are feeling...The truth is my dear that Mom's are made incredibly special in that we have an amazing heart that does not stop growing.. I cried and felt guilty about not being able to love my next baby...something magical happens once you see your baby your heart expands and believe it or not there is no favorate. I know you are in love with your Son...It's not like being in love with your spouse you are mistaken there, its a different kind of love. You could have 8 kids and be in love with them all just the same. Please do not let that guilt hold you back from the beautiful growth of your family.
Trust me You have an awesome heart a Mom's heart is like no other..
Remember This Mom went through the very same emotions......Go for it !!!! You will be amazed!!!
H.

OH boy, good question. I am a working single mom of two beautiful girls, 7 and 14. I divorce was final June 2007 and I had the same feelings when I was pregnant with my 2nd child but let me tell you the key is to prepare your first born for the new baby and explain that the baby will need the family's love an attention and also explain to him that he will be a big brother and he should be there for his baby brother or sister. There is no magic answer to this question but I personally never wanted only one child. Now that they are grown they look out for each other and are extremely good to each other. I hated being an only child because I had no one to play with. This is the cycle of life :) Don't worry, you and your family will be just fine and your 2 year old will be a great help when and if the baby comes... Somehow I think the problem is you and not him :) communition is the key.

Hello,
I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl 16 months apart. It's actually bettter I think to have them close because they have each other and there is love there too! I always wanted more, so now I am taking in a teenage foreign exchange student. It all works out....don't worry!

It sounds like the issue is in the spacing of your children. Maybe it would be helpful to talk with you husband about your vision of the next ten years and as you dream together you can see what are your individual goals for yourselves and what are your goals and dreams for your family. You might choose to have another child in a few years, when it feels right. I felt the same way as you do, but I kept finding myself and the vision I had for my family that we were not yet In Balance, something (or someone) was missing. For us waiting until our older one was settled in preschool and really secure in herself and her routine was when the timing was right for our family and for our daughter's personality, she really needed that time with me to become secure in herself and to get the foundation in life that we wanted to give to her. When the timing was right we were blessed with a boy who was able to get a lot of personal one on one time with me because his sister was at preschool and the next year at Kindergarten, so during that time my son and I could go to the park, on playdates, to classes and just be together which was our goal. The night before he was born I remember going into our daughters room while she was sleeping and telling her (and myself) "I am about to change your life forever and I am giving to you the best gift I know how to give you, a sibling." Our two, who are 4 1/2 years apart, are the best of friends and really entertain each other and love each other. They are individuals and I do love them totally and completely with all my heart and soul, and I love them totally and completely differently. And our family is now In Balance. Good luck, Listen to your heart and what ever you decide it will be right for you.

Dear J.,

Hi, My name is V. and I have a 17 year old son and a 16 year old daughter and I love them both with all my heart!! They are 16 months apart and very close!!! You know that feeling you get when you give birth and you see your baby for the first time and you fall in love, believe me you'll feel the same way for your second baby!! You think you could never love anyone the way you love your first child but take my word for it, you will and you can!!! Of, course they are very different and my daughter is more affectionate, my son is affectionate in his own way and I love that about both of them!! You will never regret it!! Besides, look at the bond you give your son when he has a sibling!! Having a sibling will teach him so much more and give him someone that he can lean on as well!! My kids have friends and some hobbies in common that I could never fill!! They talk and laugh and I look at them and think wow, did I really create that!! I come from a family of 14, 6 girls and 8 boys and believe me I couldn't imagine the world without them around to lean on, talk too, and have great gatherings with!! Having more then one child is a great and wonderful thing and benefit everyone around, only children (which my husband is, and I am not saying all only children are like this) tend to isolate themselves, be loners and more then likely have emotional and bonding issues....something that has taken alot of work in the 18 years of marriage to him!! So consider all the issues that are involve and then make your decision. How can you not love more then one, your heart has room for so much more!!! Good Luck

Hi J., I think most moms go through this same exact emotion. I have 2 girls. One is 4 1/2 and the other one is 20 mos. old. We are not having 3, but let me just share a few things with you. When I had my first baby, I fell so in love with her. She is awesome. I love everything about her. I did worry that I wouldn't love another child as much as I loved my oldest. How could I possibly love another one the same way I love my oldest? Well, I do. My oldest is my first born. She is the one who taught me how to love. My youngest is my last baby. SWhe is the last baby I will ever carry in my body, she is the last one I will ever get to see take her first steps and all that goes with having a baby. I love them equally, but totally differently.
I was afraid too. I think we all are at some point. There was a difference in my bonding too. Both times, I tried breast feeding. I really wanted to do that for my girls, but was unable to with both of them. With the second child, I didn't realize that she was not getting anything from me and when I finally went to the lactation nurse 2 weeks after she was born I found out that she hadn't gained a single ounce. It was scary. How could I not know I was starving my daughter? There was a little while there ( a few months actually) that I felt disconnected from her and I wasn;t sure I was going to get that bond with her. She didn't really take to me, and I don't think I really took to her either. It was hard. But, one day it just happened, and I felt it, and we are very connected. Both of my girls bring something to my life. They are great friends, and "loving" both of them is not an issue. They are the light of my life. You will get there, and it will be okay. Like someone else said in their post, you will know when you are ready. Love grows, it doesn't split.

You are right, it is hard to imagine. But trust me - it works out and it is amazing!

My daughter was 2.5 when my son was born. I wouldn't change a thing and I have no complaints.

Best wishes whatever you decide!
M.

Loving your children is not the same as loving your husband. Because they are yours, there is this magical thing that happens the moment you lay eyes on them. I remember how nervous I was during pregnancy. But the moment I saw #2, I was completely and utterly in love once again.

And just think...giving your kids a sibling is the greatest gift you could ever give them. Hopefully thinking of it that way helps!

J.!
I went through the same exact thing! IT took me quite awhile-then one day I was ready. Just trust yourself. We are due in Dec so I haven't had her yet-and I still wonder if I will be as excited-but I know I will-plus having a girl after my angel baby is a help!
I did it more for my son (at this point) than myself knowing he should have someone to commiserate with later in life!

Best wishes!
B.

I truly understand how you are feeling...My Boys are 2 years apart and I went through the same emotions you are - we just didn't plan on having our second one so quickly...Honostly - it is an amzing experience to give your love to your children and share your time and attention with them both. Every child has different needs and enjoys different things and we get to give them what they need and want without limits...Of course it is difficult and exhausting the first 3 months - but the bottom line is this - the love you have shared with your first child will just expand your heart and amaze you...the love you will have for them both is beyond words...My Boys are 12 and 10 now and they are Best Friends...I also was blessed and surprised to have a little Girl 6 years ago...3 is a charm...good luck to you and your family. Peace & Appreciation - K. H.

Hi J.,

I felt the same when I was pregnant with my second daughter. She just celebrated her one year birthday, and I can't imagine life without her, or her older sister for that matter.

My daughters are so different from each other, and I love them both. Love happens. Nothing compares to the miraculous gift of unconditional love from a child - no matter if it's from the first child or second child or third child, etc. I was so worried about loving one child more than the other and I drove my husband crazy with this fear. The concept of loving one child more is so foreign to him...and now I have to agree. I love my children the same, but I LIKE different things about each of them, because they each add something different to our family dynamic. They are different people.

Yes, you will need to make a little effort to spend that special time with your older child. I try to take at least a half hour everyday to read books or play a game with her. During an especially busy week, I will take an hour or two on the weekend and do whatever special things she didn't get to do with me...an outing to the frozen yogurt shop,lunch at a favorite restaurant, library, park, etc.

Sometimes I do reminisce about the times when we only had just my older daughter. However, ONLY because it does get busier with two kids.

And another big plus is that my oldest daughter just adores her younger sister. I feel so fortunate to have such a loving, caring, compassionate and giving older daughter.

Well, gotta run! The youngest just popped out here and is ready to take on the world - mainly my laptop! Hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!

R. S

I'm sure you have had a lot of responses to this..But I too was feeling the same way, even through my whole 2nd pregnancy. My kids are 5 years apart and so my son had a ton of one on one attention and Love. But believe it or not when #2 was born something just took over and I couldn't imagine my life without both of them, I love both of them just the same and really have never given anything a second thought. It's probably very hard to understand because it was for me until #2 was born but your love just grows.
Good Luck

I have 3 kids, after 1 I was done. I hate being pregnant, giving birth the whole thing. But, a good friend of mine said, "only children are weird'. And, I have no idea if that is true, but, when I think back to the kids I knew growing up that didn't have siblings, they were all bratty. And the kids I know now that are in the neighborhood-selfish might be a better word. I know that sharing and getting along with others can be learned. But you will definitly be able to love many kids. And your kids will get love from each too. So i wouldn't worry about anyone feeling gyped.

A second child does not get all of the time and attention as a firstborn, but there is no shortage of love! And they get the benefit of an older sibling. I have two little boys 15 months apart. They adore each other!!! I didn't have much leisure time to simply cuddle and adore my youngest, but he knows he is adored, by me and his daddy, AND his big brother. And he still likes to snuggle with me, especially while reading a book (so delicious snuggling with a 2 year old, and his 3 year old brother!). I look at my youngest and he is anything but deprived. He has a big brother who loves him and looks out for him (yes, even so young, big brother has been looking out for his little brother since birth). So maybe he didn't get all of the time and attention from Mommy and Daddy as the first did, but he gets extra love from another family member. I melt every night when they hug each other before climbing into bed (NOBODY gets hugs from little brother the same way big brother does).

Just so you don't think all is peaches and cream here, there are battles, too. They fight over toys, and little brother gets very upset when I ask him to share his food, but that is about the only strife that ever exists between them. And a little referree-ing from mom and they happily play side by side again.

I am #4 of 7 kids and I know that my mom loves me unconditionally, always has and always will. And I know she loves each of my 6 siblings the same way (and believe me, some of us really "tested" that love!). We all "fight" over who the favorite is, because we know that each one of us is her favorite. She is an amazing woman, but not superwoman, just a mom.

You have had a ton of good answers. Loving 2 kids is like apples and oranges - two completely different personalities, but two wonderful people. Like loving your parents. Having my second made me fall back in love with my first all over again. And now my sons have brothers, family that will be there for them when their parents are gone. The second will not have your undivided attention as did the first, but he will have the love of an older sibling. And is so much undivided attention that good for the first?
Good luck

I have 3 children. The older 2 are just barely 2 years apart. For me it was growing more as a family. The love they have between the two of them is great. You just have to make time for each one. For me the oldest is a girl, so girl time is planned. My middle child is a boy, sometimes its harder for me to make one on one time with him(that's when its easier for dad to step in.). I try to find little things or to do something special when older sister is gone. For us the 3rd, wasn't really planned( my oldest is 11, my son is 9, and the littlest one is almost 3) but the older kids go to school its just the 2 of us, or when the older ones do sports, or other activities its our time. It all balances out, just try to plan one on one time. Even lots of family time together. It will work out and have lots of wonderful moments, then you'll stop and wonder what? how did I ever manage with just one? Most people wouldn't trade thier children or wish for one less. It is an amazing blessing to add more than one child to your family. The bonds that will form among them are a joy to watch, I cannot wait to see how much more it grows over the years. Hope this is somewhat helpfull.

Hi J.,

I was on vacation with my two boys, but wanted to respond. I felt the same way. The first time I left my first born, was the night I had the second. And I felt really sad, but he did great with dad. My husband and I both always said "There's no way we could love another the same". But you can, and it just happens, and it's awesome. Our little guys are going to get jelous. My pediacian who I love told my husband to pay extra attention to my son. This also made my husband and son bond more. I was not ready when my son was two, but I just went for it. I wanted them to be some what close in age. When my little guy turned three I put him in pre-school two days a week. This allowed me extra time to just love and cuddle the second. Now the baby is almost one! It goes so fast. And he loves his big brother and that is fun to watch. Good luck with everything, J.

boy can i relate!!! when i found out i was pregnant with my daughter, i was so upset! we have an 11yr old boy & hubby & i had decided 2 wks before, that we would not have anymore children. during my pregnancy, i would just cry & cry & cry at the thought of 'leaving my boy behind' for another child. i found myself w/lumps in my throat whenever i would spend alone time w/him & i would just think .."this is the last time i go to the store w/him alone" - "this is the last time i will walk him to school alone" - "this is the last time i will...." etc. then, i remembered the words of my father (an only child) when he asked if i would have anymore kids & i said 'no'. he said to me (with tears in his eyes) "K., PLEASE don't do that to him. give him a lifelong companion - believe me, i wish MY parents did." at that stage in my dad's life, both his parents had passed & he felt he had no one who could understand & comfort him the way a sibling could. my grandmother (also an only child) said the same thing. then, i thought about my older sister...what would i do without her in my life? i would be lost. there are things that only she & i can share - memories that only she & i have in common, being raised in the same house..... my daughter is now 6 months old & i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her!! and my boy?...i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE him even MORE than i did before!!! isn't it funny how life goes....what i'm tryin' to say, J. is - it will all be alright & even better than you imagined! TRUST ME! good luck to ya!

Hi J.- I had kind of the same feeling except we were blessed to find out I was pregnant when my first son was 2! SO I was a nervous mommy to be -I cried my eyes out saying how will I love another one the same well I have some advice I had another baby boy and can I say that was the BESt thing that happened as soon as I delivered him and before while he was growing in my belly- I was head over heels in love but not sure what it would be like and people told me it just works and happens and it did! My boys are BEST friends and so blessed with them both- they play together and love each other and they are soo different but best friends and you get your special time with each of them but the loves just keeps coming all the same I cant say I love one more than the other I love them more than words can say the same! I think having them close in age keeps a nice bond between the children no matter what the sex is- My oldest(5) wants me to have another baby and asks me everyday- Dont think its in my future but never know! good luck and I say go for it and have one and it all works out no worries ! Enjoy having babys!!!

J.,
You probably are feeling pretty secure in the fact that you can and will love another child. I think a big factor for you and your husband is that you WANT another child. That makes a lot of difference in every aspect. I personally never wondered if I would love my second, I just couldn't comprehend how I would have that much love, but God takes care of that for us. My first was 2 years 7 months when I got pregnant with #2. Throughout my pregnancy I always referred to it as 'we' are going to have a baby...meaning me, my husband, and my daughter. Needless to say #1 absolutely LOVES #2 and constantly refers to her as 'my' baby sister. My second is going to be 1 in a couple weeks and I love to see my girls interact...it is truly PRICELESS!
Take a deep breath and go for it! You are going to be a GREAT mommy of two beautiful children (or maybe even more)!

J., I know just how you feel! When my first daughter was born, she blew everyone away. She was heartbreakingly beautiful (strangers would stop me on the street all the time and then would have trouble putting into words how struck they were by her beauty - soft curls, enormous brown eyes, doll baby face). On top of that, she was smart as a whip. I thought, "How could another child possibly live up to having her as an older sister?" When I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, I was truly worried because that baby was going to have an incredibly tough act to follow. Then #2 was born and I was head over heels in love all over again! My second daughter is, obviously, a completely different person from my first, but she turned out to be every bit as gorgeous and smart as her big sister, but this one's got blond hair and gigantic, arresting blue eyes! Again, I'm being stopped on the street by strangers who never neglect to tell me that I HAVE to get this baby into modeling! Not that looks are the defining factor in my girls' value (in fact, I've purposely kept them out of modeling because I don't want them to get that message) but I just wanted to show you that every child is AMAZING in their own way. Trust me, you will not have any trouble loving your second child every ounce as much as you love your first. In fact, there will likely be days when you like your second more than your first! <wink>

As for spending the same amount of time with your second, you can definitely get creative with time management, but you're right, your second is not going to have the complete undivided attention that your first got. Oh well. That doesn't mean that his/her life is not worth living. As for your first not getting the same amount attention after #2 comes along, you're right about that, too. But your first will be getting a playmate for now and friend for life. We involved our first in every aspect of caring for the baby - from ultrasounds to diaper changes. The minute #2 was born, my first started telling me that my second was HER baby and I was the big sister. Lol! My girls are now 7 and 3 and they are best friends. They are learning lessons of patience, sharing and unconditional love that will serve them the rest of their lives.

You wanted to know what it's like emotionally to have a second baby. All I can tell you is that the falling in love process you had with your first will happen all over again - and it will be just as strong. If money were no object, I'd have 10 more. The love is so strong, it's almost addictive. You know that surge of emotion you get when your son curls up on your lap and rests his heavy little head on your chest and just wants to cuddle with you? You will feel that exact same surge when your second does it. Trust me.

Best of luck to you!!

Everything you said is completely normal. I too felt that I could never love another child like I love my first born daughter Carly. I just had my second child, Olivia in May. My heart opened up and I have this amazing love for Olivia and for Carly. Since I was a mom before, I knew that this tiny little baby would be the source of so much joy and happiness to my family. Your heart will just open up wider and you will love them both. As far as getting your little boy ready. There is a lot of things you can do. For example, have him help with getting the room ready or have him pick out the blanket the baby will come home from the hospital in. You can get a few little presents that you can give him at the hospital from his new brother or sister. If you want to go all out you can even throw him a BIG brother party with all his friends (similar to a birthday party). I do think that whatever you do will just ease the transition but it will not be perfect. Carly is a FABULOUS big sister but she has her moments. She regressed and wants a binky 24 hrs a day and she has been very loud and shrieking to get attention (which wakes up her sister so mission accomplished). I am the second to the last in my group of friends to have a sibling for their child and I promise you....they ALL felt what you are feeling before it happened. It is so NORMAL!

Hi, J.. I am 85 years young. and have 4 children. MYNCHIIDREN WERE ABOUT 24 MONTHs apart. It was a little ruff. when they were little . but we all survived. and now I have 7 grandchildren the goungest 18 monthe the oldest. in his 30ties. You CAn do it. If you want a bigger familey DOIT NOW. lODS OF LLLLLLLUCK. A.

I'll tell you what my sister did with her kids when she was expecting another. I'm hoping this will help you personally. She got a handfull of candles. She lit one and said that the flame was the love she had. She took a second candle and lit it with the same flame. "This is the love for your daddy." She pointed out that the original flame was the same size as before. Then, she lit a candle for each of her boys.

Simply put. It's hard to believe... but there will always be a huge amount of love for all your children. Love is something that just grows. One never depletes the other. It's absolutely amazing!!

loving more than one child is possible. I just had baby #2, 12 weeks ago and have found my love to be equal but different. Of course my first born and I have a closer bond since it has been developing over the past 2.5 years. But I have found the transition to be be somewhat effortless.

Don't get me wrong it is not always easy especially since I sometimes feel like I am "cheating" on my firstborn when she is sleeping and I coo and kaa at the baby in the other room.

Just make sure you spend time with the both of them alone.

J.,

I know you received many responses and the ones I read were great. But thing of it this way.

Why did you pick this boy friend to marry? I bet you have loved other men before! But you loved different things about him. Correct.

Well that's the way it is with babies. I loved all these special things about baby #1, and baby #2 came and I loved her for her own special things. #3 came and I couldn't figure out how he was going to fit into our family but he fit perfectly and came with his own reasons to love him. They are all different, and that makes this all work out. If they were the same then it would be hard to decide who we loved better. But God made us all different for a reason. You don't share your love you just add to it. I'm sure that you love your hubby as much as your son just different, it's the same thing. Go for the new baby & I'm sure the first time it kicks you you'll love it. Best wishes! J. P.

I'm a WAHM of 3 under 5. My husband and I never got to the deciding to try to have children...so in that respect we are so lucky compared to couples who try and try and try for children. When we got pregnant with our surprise #2, I was scared (as I'd miscarried at 15 weeks about 6 months prior) But this pregnancy worked like clockwork. I knew that I didn't want our daughter to be an only child so a #2 wasn't out of the question, emotionally, I just wasn't ready to potentially lose another baby.
I know that people always say as soon as you see the baby's face, you're love grows bigger than it was before. I didn't buy it...but it really was true. There was love enough for both and we just had to get creative on how to have individual time planned with each child. For a while, my husband had the older one (and their relationship blossomed!) Now, i'd say, she's Daddy's princess girl. When surprise #3 came along (he'll be turning 1 in Sept) I'd say the whole dynamic in our family changed. The 2 older ones were able to "love" him which made my love for all 3 grow even more. Don't get me wrong, 3 under 5 in challenging and my house doesn't get cleaned and there are many times we eat pancakes for dinner because because i'm just too tired to make a full meal...BUT i wouldn't have it any other way. Don't worry about not being able to love another human being as much as you love your first. You will! Good luck!

Hi there,

I can tell you what my experience was like (3 kids) but we're all different.

You're never going to know the true emotional experience that takes place until it's your experience. Coming from kindness here, have you considered good psychtherapy? You sound super anxious and perhaps it would be helpful if you got a handle on what was causing it.

Good luck

J.:
I believe you can and will love all your children equally and differently. I have two children that are only 18 months apart and they are like night and day. Each has their own qualities that are amazing and each needs attention in different ways. They are best friends too. Always wanting to include the other in their games and activities. I don't believe especially if you are a stay at home mom that your children will feel any less loved than the other. I have a friend that takes one child out per month on a "date night". They pick the restaurant or the activity. I'm more loose on how I work alone time with each. My daughter likes to go shopping and go to get her nails done or just hang out, My son would rather go to the beach or build a lego house. You just have to be flexible. I really believe that most kids need and grow so much from having a brother or sister.

OMG!

I felt the same way. I told myself I didn't even want another child because how can I possibly love him as much as I loved my first. It turned out that I didn't plan it but became with child again and I wasn't ready, I didn't think I could love him or her because I loved my first sooo much.

J., after my second was born, all those thoughts left me and all the fear, etc. I was so in love with both my children. Believe me if you love your first, you will love your second, third, etc. You will love your children completely and with each child you will love their differences and their similarities. After my second was born, all fear and thoughts of not loving him went away and I laugh now about it.

Don't worry, it will just happen and you will not even have to work on it. If you love your first completely, how can you not love your second?

J.

A little about me:
I have a full time job, business on the side (Dream Dinners), wonderful husband and two sons. One is 20 and is coming home next week from school in Vermont and the other is almost 17! I totally love all of them but they can drive me CRAZY!!

I remember thinking the very same thing! In short, I now have 3 beautiful children & love them all equally. I am from a family of 7 and I never felt unloved or slighted in any way by my parents. Focussing on what a new sibling will bring to your family & your son, rather than the opposite would be the way to go. There are far more possitive things about expanding your family than not. It will be wonderful for your son to have a sibling to grow up with & learn about life with. I can't begin to tell you how much joy you'll get! A mother never lacks in the amount of love she has to give. I could have 10 & still have enough love to go around!

I have twin daughters that will be 4 years old soon. I have never felt like I have had to split my love between the two. From the day they were born it was an overwhelming feeling of being complete. It's natural for you to have these feelings, but you're dedication to your family allows you to love endlessly. Good luck on trying to conceive and have fun!

Hi J., You have a very loving maternal instint, your love for another child, will automatically be there, becasue of that maternal instict. I have 3 kids who are now 24, 21 and 19, Ican not imangine their lives with out each other. Your son will have adaquit attention with a second child, becasue the way to prepare a child for a sibling, and adjusting to a sibling, , if you don't have your second child to long after your first, then your first will have a playmate, a best friend in his own home, which also means they will entertain eachother, and won't need that 24/7 attention from you . We tried to keep our kids no more than two years apart, our two sons are 3 years and 5 months apart, and are the best of friends, and then there is only 2 years and 3 months age diferenced between our second son and our daughter, who are also very close, all 3 of our kids are the best of friends. Growing up the only child, sometimes produces lonelyness, being overly spoiled etc. I think about the Holidays especially Christmas, Christmas eve they would gather in one roon sharring their excitment of awaiting the morning, and just having fun together. J. weather you have 2 kids, or more, you will love each and every one of them with all your
heart, and you will have time and attention for all of them, I'm not saying having that balance will always be easy, but it sure as heck will always be worth it. I can not imangine my life without one of my kids, even now that they are grown. My 24 year old will be 25 in October, and has been married to a beautiful young lady since they were 21,and live in Tucson AZ, we live in San Diego, a day does not go by that I don't think about or miss my son. God designed us moms to have an abundace of love to go around. If you would like to talk furthure my e-mail is ____@____.com J.

Hi J.

I respect you putting so much thought into this.....but honestly.......You need not to fret so much. Having another baby is going to fulfill your life even more. And I believe that it's going to give to your son in a huge way more than you realize. I come from a family of eight children, yet, God saw only fit to give me three. We wanted more, and tried, but nothing ever came of it. So I am content with my 3 cherubs. The way you feel about and love your hubby as well as your son, is only going to intensify when you bring another child into this world.

Being a mother is such a privilege! I say go for it! And love them with your whole heart, mind and soul. You'll be surprised at how much love you're capable of giving! And don't worry so much, it doesn't add a single ounce of anything to your being. It's wasted energy that takes away from embracing what the Lord has blessed you with!

Dear J.,
Oh my goodness, I remember that feeling like it was yesterday! My son was 2 when we found out I was pregnant again (25 years ago), and I couldn't imagine how I could possibly love another child and wondered if it would be fair to him for me to have to share my love.

Believe me, I felt everything that you are feeling and more! I talked to several people about it and they all said basically the same, "don't worry it will be okay, you'll love the second child just as much".....

NOTHING that anyone said to me, made me feel any better. I just had to wait and see for myself and it was magical. As my belly grew and I got closer to my due date I was already in love with the new baby even before she arrived, and my love for my son was just as strong, it was amazing! You don't have to share the love, it just grows and grows like you can't imagine. When my daughter was born, I was so overwhelmed I didn't think it was possible to love so much. My son was immediately enamored with her and never had one day of jealousy. We totally prepared him.

I know my words are probably like so many that were spoken to me 25 years ago, and they are just words that may not help you. For me, I just had to experience it first hand, but don't be afraid to let it happen because it is amazing. I truly know how you feel, because it was a huge fear for me as well.

Have a second child and don't deny yourself that blessed feeling of so much love you can hardly believe it.
The best wasy to describe it is to ask you how great it feels to love your son? Now double that! It takes nothing away from him and your lives will be so enriched.
Good Luck!

I'm also a SAHM but I have a four year old son and a 4 month old daughter. I know exactly how you feel because I worried about that for my son's first 3 years! I finally decided to try for another baby and I'm so glad that I did! My son is a special needs child also so I knew how important it would be for his alone time with me. I always spend time with him when the baby is sleeping and I also lay with him in his bed for 15 minutes every night just to cuddle, read a book, or talk about our day. I have my son in preschool for 2 1/2 hours a day so I get to spend alone time with my daughter. It all seems to work out in the end, Believe Me!!! Good luck to you and your family!