Ending My Relationship with the Inlaws.

Him, by himself. So that you are not the focus of the conversation. It should go more like this, "I" don't like how you treat "my" wife, "I" don't want her to be around you so "I" don't have to see you treating her badly. That way it's totally from him to them.

They do not like you. Don't try to make them like you. Give it up. I don't agree with cutting ties completely because you will regret it. Also the children have a right to a relationship with grandchildren. When you visit, make it short. Just sit and smile. The Spanish are very possessive and jealous of their children's spouses. Trust me, I know. Good luck.

I'd say you can safely skip this conversation.
Let him have it. It's his mother. He needs to deal with/manage her, and will need to going forward.
No reason for you to be involved.

Runnermom--

I don't think this is a conversation you need to be a part of. There is likely nothing you can say that they would want to hear, accept as truth, or admit to.

It would only be you on the defensive with your husband in the middle. It sounds like he is still doing what he wants/treating you the way he wants/ having the kind of family HE wants to have. He is doing the best he can, given some very unrealistic demands on the part of your MIL. I think he can just tell them frankly: "My wife and I feel that your treatment of her is unacceptable, and we've decided that it's better for everyone if she doesn't have to deal with your dislike and complaining any more."

It sounds like he is trying to protect you. Good spouses will step in and do that. I have no contact with my own mother (she's mentally ill and mean); one enormous reason I do not have contact now, even though I've healed from a lot, is to protect my son and husband from her nonsense. None of us needs the manipulation and endless 'never good enough' complaints about people.

The fact that they don't say anything directly to you is that they must perceive you will have none of it. You may be perceived as a threat to mom, who never got over your husband's helping her and putting her first. She'll need to grow up, get past her jealousy and realize what a fantastic son she has. While she continues to make everything about her, yep, distance is a great idea. (I'm a little jealous of the Hawaii trip myself, but know that it's a vacation for a working-at-home-all-the-stinkin'-time mom! How can you begrudge that!?)

Do not make a big deal of it. If they ask then your husband can simply say, "Since the relationship between you and my chosen wife is strained she is keeping her distance." If they ask him how it can be fixed suggest he can tell them time, respect and patience.

If you make it drama filled, via sit down or by making an announcement then it will seem like you want the attention vs really wanting the distance.

YIKES!! This is hard. It's your relationship with them, so part of me thinks that YOU need to sit down with them and talk with them...however...it's HIS parents...sooooo....

HE needs to stand up to his parents. HE needs to tell them to BACK OFF. HE needs to stand up for YOU.

How do they behave when they come to your home to visit? Do they berate you in front of your husband and children? Does your husband tell them to stop or what?

Is your husband her only son? Why does she have expectations of "grandeur" from her son? did he always spoil her and when you came along it stopped?

He needs to tell them that HE IS HAPPY and if they love him, unconditionally, then they need to accept his choices and press on.

When they come to visit and you aren't there...they "win" in my book. They have officially scared you off and they "win". You have proven that you don't love their son enough to stick around....their concerns, their nagging will be proven since you left...doesn't matter that you are still married. You have proven unworthy for not sticking it out.

I would stop trying to get them to like me. I would be me. And if they don't like it - they can pound sand. MY HUSBAND LIKES ME and that's ALL I need. I think you are putting too much stress on yourself to "make" them like you. JUST BE YOU. STOP TRYING. Maybe then, they'll stop fighting. But just BE YOU!!!

I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I would hope that when my boys get married, I won't be the mother in law from hell!

I wouldn't have your husband have a talk with them. I'd just not show up. Let them think what they will. I suggest that enough has happened that you know that they will not understand or consider change. Otherwise what's the point of having the talk? Why add to your husband's stress by having him make one more attempt to effect change.

However, when they ask where's wife, I'd suggest he be honest and tell them you feel their criticism and both of you have decided that this is the way you're handling it. Perhaps suggest to them that this way everyone will have a better time.

I also agree with Patricia G. I suggest that your husband can help by not accepting their criticism of you. When they say something disrespectful/critical of you, he could leave. Leave the room, Leave the house. By leaving he's letting them know that he won't tolerate their behavior. I suggest it may take only a few times for them to get the point. It won't change their feelings but it may change their actions. He's learned that defending you doesn't change anything and creates bad feelings for him as well as you.

I would not leave my home when they visited. I'd stay but have as little to do with them as possible. I suggest that your husband not respond at all to any negative comments they make. Verbal sparring solves nothing. I'd, if I were your husband, tell them that if they continue to make these comments that they'd have to leave.

Doing this will be painful but it also sets a boundary that they'll need to honor if they want to continue to be with your family. You are a package deal.

I also like the idea of having them stay in a motel/hotel. I just would not entertain someone who was disrespectful.

And, I'd definitely stop trying to please them. I suggest that once you stop trying, you'll feel less pain. Know that you're a good person, mom, wife and let their comments slide off your back.

Honestly, it's not about YOU ending the relationship yourself. HE will need to go beyond that and tell them that HIS family - his WIFE/CHILD and HIMSLEF are a package deal. That he will no longer tolerate their disrespect of HIS FAMILY in his own home. If they wish to visit, they can visit when they have had a change of heart, but not until then. It is ALL or NOTHING.

If they call him, he needs to hang up if they start up. They cannot visit until they change their tune. If they start, they need to be asked to leave your home. Old school as a reason is BULLSHI#.

You have done your best. A line needs to be drawn. If they cannot be polite, then they cannot have a relationship with your family. Hopefully your husband is as pissed at this as you are. But is he mad enough to stand up to mommy/daddy in favor of his family? Yes, they are his parents, BUT he is a man, he has made a home, and for them to expect respect when they show him none - because they ARE disrespecting HIM by disrespecting YOU - is BS.

If they do "wake up" and prove it with continued GOOD behavior, then welcome them with love. Sometimes it takes a good hard kick in the pants to get people to change their tune.

You have two different cultures coming together. The old Mexican/Hispanic and the Anglo/American. Momma is from the old school where she is the "top" dog and everybody else follows her lead. Have you not read any of the other recent posts about this issue on here recently?

The two of you momma and you may have to have a luncheon and hash it out. If not then you will be as you are two separate camps with the son/husband and the connecting point. Momma thought he WOULD always be there for her.

I have a mother in law who thought this was how it was going to be. She came for a visit and laid on my couch and I am doing all the work. I told my husband when we got back from visiting friends we woulk take her to the County Hospital and have her checked out to find out what was wrong and take care of it. Some how she got better real quick. I don't have freeloaders laying all over my furniture child or adult. If you are laying around you had better be sick with medicine. I expect everyone to pull their fare share.

Do not change yourself for her. She needs to see who you are and what you are. Only time will mend the issue. Thank God you did move the 10 hours away so that you can be your own little family.

the other S.

PS My MIL now calls and talks to me. I am polite and we talk about generalities. She is now 93 and I have known her for 45 years.

I have to disagree with you. They are not great grandparents. They bring pain, disrespect and discord into your family. Great grand parents do not do that to a child's family.
Pretty much what Patrcia said.

You need to take care of this BEFORE their visit.
You are a family unit. Both of you need to address this.
They need to accept there are concrete expectations for a visit in your home or your home is not available.
If you run, they win. Because what H says will be negated by your absence.
If you don't nip this in the bud, your kids will be getting an earful behind your back.

I have been through the wringer with MIL issues, so I completely understand, and I am sorry for the stress this adds to your life. We've taken a different approach, because I think excluding me is EXACTLY what my MIL would like. Instead of making it a DIL/MIL issue, I wanted this to land where the responsibility lies...on her shoulders. She is the one who is disrespectful to me, and when she does this, she disrespects her son and MY sons. Instead, we've taken the approach that it's all of us, or none of us. We're a package deal. The support of my husband (and kiddos) has been wonderful. My MIL is learning to behave. I cannot force her to like me, but I can demand that someone treats me decently in my own home, and in front of my own children. ...plus, she is no longer welcome to stay at our place when they visit.

I think that it's your husband's place to protect you and your marriage from your in-laws. You don't need to explain yourself. Let him handle it.

I would, however, make a list of all the events for your husband, so when your in-laws attempt to villify or trivialize, he has the specifics.

Also, do be open, eventually to the possibility that they might ask for your forgiveness. I wouldn't count on it....but miracles do happen. Pray for them.

I also had to do this with my inlaws.

It was bad enough they gave me a hard time, about all sorts of things.

Then to watch them treat my husband (their son) so differently and favor his sister was heartbreaking.

But when they mostly ignored our amazing daughter, her accomplishments and told me I should not allow her to go away to college (an amazing perfect college that SHE loved).. And yet attended every event their grandsons (Their daughters sons) participated in..

I was done. They said they would not attend daughters graduation OR her party, because I had never allowed them to be a part of her life or her graduation party..

I was furious. If anything, I am known for my annual school calendar that I sent the family each school year with a monthly update.. I also highlighted the important must see events. My gosh, I was PTA President at 2 of her schools, you can imagine..

The way I handled it was by mailing them a letter. I included specific instances, I had emails from all of the years our daughter had been in school starting from Kinder.. I was able to send them many of these.. showing that they had been sent and they had replied.

My husband had even gone to a therapy session with his mother when our daughter was born and my husband noticed the difference in her behaviors towards us vs.. her daughter.. Nothing changed.

I now encourage my husband and daughter to go and visit. I have to force them sometimes..

But I have not once wondered, "Gee I wonder how MIL is doing".. Good riddance.. Their loss. Instead I am surrounded by the people I love and enjoy and that also love me and my family the same way..

Have your husband tell them that if they don't respect his wife, they are not respecting him and the children. It's all of you or none of you.

There is no reason whatsoever to add to the drama by having a "break-up" talk. Just stop coming around to family functions, let your husband answer any phone calls and if they call your cell just ignore it.
Good luck.

Sounds like he needs to have the conversation with his Mom and stand by the decision. If they are good grandparents...that depends. What are they saying to your kids about you? If it is negative then as a family you need to put some distance between them. Your DH sounds like a standup guy. He needs to tell her...you can't be nice/civil/polite etc....then we will need a break from you. I'm happily married with a family and it's too bad you can't accept that. As long as you act this way adios. And then don't call them or see them. I don't think you should disappear. My friend has a toxic MIL and she always has to walk the fine line with that issue. If your MIL realizes you are never going to be around...just another way to manipulate and control the situation which you don't want. If she is this nasty to you and in front of your DH..I'll bet she says things in front of the children.

I'm wondering why a conversation needs to be had at all. Just simply stop contact with them. If they care, they'll ask. If not, then so be it. I don't see any need to stir something up unless it's necessary. If they really don't like you, they'll be just as glad they don't have to deal with you. Now, understand conversation or not, this IS going to give them something else to ride your hubby about. So, the heat goes from you to him, whether you sit down and explain yourself to them or not.

Oh My Gosh!! I just read this and had to ask myself if I wrote it! Lol - I feel we would have a lot to talk about seeing as I am in a VERY similar situation.

I would let him handle his parents - any communication or contact with them at all. If you do have to interact, just stick a smile on your face and nod your head until they are gone. The less you say and the less they see you - the less they have reason to say anything negative about you. I think no matter how delicatly or calmly you tell them that you want little to do with them will matter. No matter how you explain it I don't think they will take it well. Just be prepared for that and stand your ground. You are lucky to have a husband to stand up for you.

My MIL has issues with me being white as well, is very critical of my parenting, possessive of my husband and our kids, and the list goes on. At first I always ignored it - but enough is enough. It starts to mess with my self confidence and is very hurtful. My MIL issues have even hurt our marriage - it's sad. My MIL will come over for 10 minutes and I can tell my heart just beats so much faster and I get a sick feeling in my stomach - I start wondering what I'm going to be doing wrong this time and the anxiety just takes over. I've learned from all this that I will never do this to my sons when they marry. It's not healthy and I would hate to come between my sons and their family.

Keep us posted on how it goes!

I don't think what you're describing sounds extreme enough for such a drastic measure.
Your husband DIES need to talk to them about how they disrespect you.
He should END any conversation where they speak disrespectfully about you. Immediately.
I think that over time they will see for themselves that you are a good wife and mother and take good care of their son and their grandchildren.
But be warned--nothing is going to change overnight. It takes time.
My philosophy? Be polite. Be respectful. Don't give them any reason to bash you. And I think sitting them down and telling them you're ending the relationship is giving them a BIG reason to dislike you.
You don't have to get them to like you--just be YOU. Consistently.
Good luck!

I wouldnt make a big show out of it. Just stop returning their phone calls. If they need something, they should really be calling their son anyway, not you, especially if you dont get along. If they come to visit, just dont engage with them or run errands or something.

Also, if they have made it clear that they dont respect you, I wouldnt let then visit with the kids alone, you or dh needs to be there.

I wouldn't talk to them either. But I hope your husband stops talking to them too - until they give you some respect. And he needs to tell them why.

Tough situation you are in!
If your husband is "okaying" you to end the relationship w/ his parents, it must be pretty bad. What I dont get is why HE doesnt tell them that HE will not tolerate the way you are being treated by them.
"He admitted that they will probably never like me or accept me"...????
Why? Have you given them a reason to dislike you? Although these are his parents he should not put up with them disrespecting you. Especially in your own home!
If this is the way it has to be, I guess I'd ask him if you should be part of the conversation or not. The whole thing seems crazy to me. Not you putting an end to their treatment, but it being made to be like a break up yet he still maintains the relationship. Just imagine what your MIL is going to say about you now!
Hubby needs to get a back bone when it comes to this. You are the number one woman in his life now, not mommy! And believe me I know the struggle, my husband is a mommas boy himself.

Oh man do I feel your pain! My MIL is exactly the same. She hates me. She criticizes me every chance she get- to me, to my hubby, to her other family members. She hates that I am in school full time and not working (which the hubs fully supports my schooling), that I have a daughter from a previous relationship (although he is the only dad my kid knows), that I'm white (they are black), that I'm younger then him, that we live an hour away (not far enough imo), and on and on. She tells my hubby all the time he should leave me and he can live with her. And he sticks up for me (he didn't used to. It caused major problems until he grew a backbone with her). But she doesn't quit. I finally did what you are doing. I don't have anything to do with her and neither does my daughter (she says things to her too), she isn't to come to my house, she can only call his cell, and he attends his family things alone. That part sucks but it's what he had to do for our relationship and for my daughter. But I know it's hard for my hubby.
My only advice is to completely separate yourself but make sure you don't allow your anger and hurt towards your in laws prevent him having a relationship with his parents. Make plans for when he is visiting them for yourself.
And as far as letting them know- I had my husband tell his mother and family that I was done. I wasn't a part of that conversation- I couldn't be around her one more second. Maybe if you're not comfortable telling them, write a letter and have your husband read it to them. Good luck. Hugs. It's a tough spot to be in when you have in laws like that.

At the next get together, when you are absent & they ask why, have your husband tell them that since they find you so offensive, your making yourself scarce so everyone has a pleasant time.

ETA: I'm sure ill probably hate the woman my son marries. He's a mommy's boy after all. It will be nice if my future daughter in law makes herself scare sometimes, so I can have time with my son.

Totally understand where ur coming from! Similar situation with me,
I took her out for breakfast once and blunt open with
her, it's "a case of jealousy" she has!!! I told her that you
are willing to keep the peace between them, how much you
love her son, and it's better to be "friends" then enemies
Show her the bible genesis " shall leave mother & father and
Go with your wife. " tell her that you don't appreciate her hurtful
Comments, remind her that you will be around for
A very long time, that your mother to her grandchildren,
It's good for them to see a peaceful relationship
& reassure her that her son will always
Love her & help her according to his possibilities, . Anyway consult
It with your husband tell him your plan, as one last attempt for
Peace, it seems that he is awesome he stands by you, he will
Appreciate your effort for peace , if this doesn't work, well
When your husband cuts the relationship he'll have even more aruguments
because you tried again and again! Yes you should
be present but he should do the talking so she sees
that he stands by you. But if that makes you feel too
Uncomfortable don't.