Evryone for Your Feedback and suggestionsSingle Mom and New Boyfriend

Updated on March 15, 2015
C.C. asks from Petaluma, CA
9 answers

Hello,

My daughter has a neighbor friend whos mom is single .All her other friends parents are together as are my husband and I. The other day my daughter was over at their house playing, and the mom's new boyfriend (3rd one in 4 years) came over for a visit. it made me a bit uncomfortable as I did not know he was coming over and I have never met him before. My daughter was confused and started asking me why didn't I have a boyfriend and what happened to the other boyfriend that the Mom had just a few months ago and which one (neither) is her friends dad. Also, we share a babysitter who told me the little friend recently wanted to play a game where she pretended with pieces of candy to be a single mom with boyfriends where the candy mom proceeds to get into an argument with the candy boyfriend then the girl says " now your dead" to the boyfriend and proceeds to eat the candy boyfriend. ???? The girl is a sweetheart and my daughter adores her, but I'm not sure what to think of all this and how to proceed with my daughter and her friendship with the girl. No experience in this area. Any suggestions?

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone for your responses and great suggestions. I really appreciate evryones feedback. I put this out there in the first place because iI believe it can be helpful go to hear other peoples experiences and opinions. Just to clarify, I'm not freaking out or overly worried. Just the situation is new territory for me and I only want to do right by my daughter and her friend. Perhaps I am worrying too much or being judgy. I'll certainly look at that. Neither I or anyone else is perfect for sure,

More Answers

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M.F.

answers from Phoenix on

Sounds like you need to explain to your daughter that families come in all shapes and forms, not all have a mom and a dad, and that's ok.
It also sounds like you need to be a little less judgy of the mom. The woman has had 3 boyfriends in 4 years, not 4 months. If you don't want her to have visitors of any kind over when your daughter is there, then only have the girls play at your house, but make sure you don't have anyone visit when her daughter is there, not makes, females, repair persons, etc.
As for the candy play, she's a kid and she's venting. When mom and her boyfriend stop getting along and the relationship ends, it's over completely for the daughter, even if she's grown to care for the boyfriend also. She's acting that finality out. It's only unhealthy if she forgets to brush after eating the candy.

13 moms found this helpful
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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

My suggestion is to not worry over trivial things. Your daughter can handle a lot more than you think she can.

Daughter: "Mom, why don't you have a boyfriend?"

You: "Because I'm married to your dad."

Daughter: "What happened to the other boyfriend Suzy's mom had?"

You: "I guess they broke up."

You are unsure of how to proceed with your daughter and her friendship with a girl who ate a candy "boyfriend"?? You don't need to "proceed" anywhere. Let the kids play their pretend games. That's what kids do. If the other kid starts chronically playing games where she slits people's throats and mutilates animals, then you can start worrying.

Frankly, I really think you need to lighten up. Either that or stick your kid in one of those bubbles, so you can be really certain that she never has any life experiences.

9 moms found this helpful
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T.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Seriously?
The biggest area of concern here is the fact that your common babysitter is talking to you about what the other little girl did and said while in her care! That's outrageously inappropriate.

Three boyfriends in four years is far from promiscuous and in is hardly an "area" you need to be "sure what to think of all this" about.
"Boyfriend" is not hard to explain. Honestly, the little girl probably wasn't even playing "single mom" with the candy (what kind of kid plays single mom?) she was probably playing boyfriend and girlfriend... you are reading way more into a very normal, very non-stress-worthy situation.

I have no advice other than to relax.

Proceed exactly as you would if you weren't tripping off of this child having a single mother... or don't. But if you decide to limit the friendship realize it's because you are uncomfortable with the woman being a single mother and not because of anything she or her daughter has actually done.

7 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Denver on

If everyone took what i said to my gummy bears as a child before I chomped off its head or limbs people would have thought i was crazy. How old are these girls? I would probably take it with a grain of salt. Kids say some bizarre things, if we took everything they said seriously they would all be commited by age 5. She probably doesn't like the guys coming and going, they take away her mommies attention (and hopefully thats the worst of it) I feel for the girl to have a mom who is obviously putting mommy needs ahead of child needs. If you are uncomfortable with the situation avoid the house but not the girl. playdates are at your house, and open the door to the little girl she probably needs you more than you know.

7 moms found this helpful
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O.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

This is your 6-7 year old?
Time for a talk about what divorce is and what it means.
And dating.
And that a date is not a dad.

5 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

you don't mention the ages of the girls, which factors in heavily in my opinion.
sounds like you're pretty judgmental of the single mom. and putting an awful lot of weight in a putative processing tool that the little girl is reported by a babysitter (teenager?) to be using in figuring it out.
i'm not really sure what you're looking for here. an excuse to stop your daughter from going over there?
if you're not comfortable with it, just put on the brakes. and no need to burden your daughter with long explanations. what you're reading as 'confusion' is almost certainly merely curiosity, which can be satisfied with 'i don't have boyfriends, i'm married. your daddy is all the boyfriend i ever want!' and 'i don't know what happened to mrs. smith's boyfriend.'
khairete
S.

4 moms found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

When your child is at someone else's house you have zero control over who they invite over at the same time. It's odd you would even care because she allows this person to be around her child who is much more important to her than your child.

I think if you don't like it then invite the other little girl to your house only. Just because this one woman is single and you and your friends are married doesn't mean that everyone is faithful and that everyone will stay married. It's not something she won't ever be around except this family.

1 mom found this helpful
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T.R.

answers from Dallas on

I can definitely relate to your situation, because I'm going through the same with my Ex-Husband. I agree with the other Mom's that suggested "play dates at your home!". Don't end the girl's friendship because of the Mother's irresponsible actions.

Also remember, there is an overabundance of "childish, selfish, and immature adults in this world with children. They choose their own needs over their Children's, so you may feel like you are getting little or NO understanding about what you're dealing with.

Unfortunately, we are living in a society of "Children raising Children", where Morals and Values are almost non-existent.

Good Luck!

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R.B.

answers from Dallas on

I would not be comfortable with this situation. I get what Gamma G is saying however the "romantic" partner is usually completely clueless.

I'm also wouldn't let my girls around a preteen/ teen boy if I'm not sure they will be directly supervised.

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