Ex Wife and My Home and Property

I would file a police report.
This is a grown woman who should know better--AND know the potential consequences of those actions.

Photos and a formal police report would have been the appropriate action. I wouldn't necessarily press charges, but I'd want the incident on the record if her behavior is unstable and/or escalating.

All I have to go on is what you've said here. Based on what you've said, I would tread very lightly here if you want to perserve your relationship with your 16 year old. I would not say ONE WORD about them coming over to ask about a banquet. The more you fight her, the more the things that she says about you appear to be true.

This boy knows that they hurt the paint on his car. What you two should be doing is telling this boy that you are sorry that she hurt his car. If you are decent about this, his mother and sister look bad to him.

There is a possibility that in the years to come, the 14 year old will understand that her mother was awful. Ignoring the mother now may make it so your husband has a relationship with his daughter when she is an adult.

I wish you so much luck here.

My instinct would be to tell them that if anything like that happens again, you are pressing charges. Document everything, take pictures whenever possible. You could even consider pressing charges now, if you can provide proof of what they did. Fine example for the mother to set for her daughter - maybe a visit from the cops will help straighten them out.

Ugh, I hate stuff like this.

Adults need to act like adults, that woman is stirring things up for attention.

I have learned indifference is the best revenge. So whenever possible, try to stay out of her drama.

She wants attention, she is picking a fight with you all. I would have your husband inform her, that you all have a witnesses to what happened. It is now documented. The next time she will be reported.

Is your husband still trying to gain a relationship with his daughter? Does he still send her birthday cards etc?

My sister and I pushed our father away at one point. He was being a jerk, but he never quit telling us he loved us. Finally he got his act together. I was able to have relationship with him again. He always told us, he was always going to love us and he proved it all of the time.

Family counseling would be great if daughter is ever willing. Hopefully at some pint she is going to see through her mother and realized she was manipulated..

As Marda and others have said document the damage and get a report on the property damage but don't expect anything. My best advice is do not feed into this woman's insanity. She is doing it to get under your skin and while it is working DO NOT ENGAGE HER or even acknowledge her BS is working. It will only make her worse. Believe me; I have been here with a crazy ex who would do anything to get a reaction out of us. Once we stopped playing her game and dancing the dances, it settled down within a year. I nearly bit my tongue off more than once but there is very little you can do legally and any attempt to reason with this b-tch is going to backfire. I never ever dealt with my husband’s ex. She was his problem not mine. We made all the decisions mutually but it was up to him to deal with her. As for the kids we kept a neutral track always. The kids never need to be drug in the middle because they will feel like they need to choose a side which is inappropriate. Their mom may be a total nut job but that’s not the issue anyone can deal with. The issue to address is how you react to her craziness.

At one of our lower moments with my husband's ex, she started looking up home addresses on family members on both sides and then would go disturbing these people at midnight by knocking on their doors and telling them what trash we were. Oh my holy goodness...the only thing that put a stop to that shenanigans? My dad answered his door with a gun and gave her one heck of a piece of his mind. Basically she had to meet somebody crazier who put the fear of the Almighty in her. Up to that point she had bothered a dozen relatives who didn’t even know her; that was fun trying to apologize and explain to people.

In order to contain the crazy we did a couple of things. First my husband stopped engaging with her face to face/by phone; all communication was and is by email and text which keeps tones in check and gives a chance for a well thought out reply. These people are poison and no amount of reasonable dealings is going to make a dent in their behavior. The best approach is disengaging and not playing into any of the madness. If there is no fuel, then the fire can’t burn and they will find someone else to bother. We played the games for nearly three years until we wised up and backed off. Like I said within a year it was all over and for the last year it has been tolerable and as pain free as it will ever get with her.

Also when my husband does deal with his ex, he never justifies, argues, discusses or explains anything ever. His communication is statements of fact and that’s it. Short and sweet as he says.

Finally my husband makes every effort to spin everything nasty into something positive when communicating with her. It undoes all of the pleasure she gets out of her games. For example she kept my stepdaughter away from us for weeks on end and there was nothing we could. My husband changed tactics and instead of pleading and begging to see his child and calling the police to file reports, he made it sound like it benefited him and didn’t bother him. He began to tell her things like “I guess this gives me the opportunity to work on her room; I sure have been meaning to paint and put up crown molding and…she’ll be so excited when she comes back over…” We had my stepdaughter the very next weekend. That experience cemented in our minds our primary goal – to shield our children (his and ours) from the madness and to give them the most normal stable home we could. We never ever talk about any of the madness in front of them. We keep everything neutral. Now that my stepdaughter is nearly 11 she has begun to clue in a bit more but even then we keep it simple. People don’t always get along and when people get upset, they don’t act appropriately and they say hurtful things. It’s important to remember to control ourselves so we don’t hurt others.
My husband will be the first to tell you how hard this was for him but he has admitted it is the ultimate experience in ‘you can’t change others; you can only change your reaction.’

As for her brainwashing your stepdaughter don’t worry about it. At some point it will be on your stepdaughter to decide for herself what’s true and what’s false. If as an adult, she continues towing her mother’s line, then that’s that. It’s unfortunate but nothing any of you are going to is going to undo the damage nor change this girl’s mind. The best you can even attempt is putting it in the court documents BUT then every time the ex is in violation of the no badmouthing order, you’ll have to drag her to court and find her in contempt. At some point they can decide after enough contempt of court order judgments to do something but what is that something they are going to do? Besides how you will prove she is not following the order and how many times do you want to go to court to deal with this? We decided to put our energies in things we could control and change – our reaction, our communication or conversations with our kids. We have seen the biggest strides in those arenas and it has helped my stepdaughter learn some valuable lessons without being crapped on nor having to confront the full ugly reality of the situation and her mother. Good luck. I know these situations are trying at the best of times. You are not alone but keep to the high road because in the end it is the best for your family and will do the least damage to your self respect.

Hopefully you filed a police report. Would your friend, a policeman, see that someone talks to them. The report could get buried under more
urgent reports. Hopefully you took pictures. Always take pictures.

. Be willing to sign a complaint if the district attorney is willing to prosecute. I doubt that he would at this point but continue to document incidences to build a case.

What does your step son say about this. Did he know what was happening? Ask him to let you know about these sort of things.

I know of nothing else you can do using the legal system. I urge you to not attempt to talk with the mother. She is doing this to irritate you. No response takes some of the fun out of it for her.

During their divorce, was a parenting order issued by the Court that explains their visitation schedule? If there is an order in place, contact your divorce attorney and ask that the attorney file a Motion to modify the order. You can ask the Court that she not be allowed on or near your property. I agree with the first poster who suggested that you document and camcord her behavior.

Also, if worse comes to worse, you can get a restraining order. It's too bad that she exhibits such childish behavior, especially around her kids.

Put the cars in a lot (friends house/street) off site for awhile (while step son is around).

If questions are asked, say the the cars have been vandalized.

No need to talk to them. Their actions have caused the step son's car (your actual car) to not access his car.

Okay not the best solution for your daughter. I guess get her a super sweet car (convertible BMW) for the week the crazies come over. Again no need to say anything. I am laughing thinking of the ex-wife's reaction to your daughter getting this upgraded car.

(I know my idea is not realistic, but the expression on the ex's face to know your daughter got a really nice car because of her stupid stunt would be priceless).

Nowhere do you mention your husband's reactions to all this. That is a huge, huge thing to leave out here -- why isn't it in this post?

I get that you're venting your feelings, but nowhere do you say if HE was angry; upset; wanted to file a police report; did not want to file a police report; said he would talk to his ex about this incident; said he would never in a million years talk to his ex about this incident...or anything else.

She is HIS ex and it is his job to deal with her, not yours. If he does not have your back -- if he just shrugged and said "That's how the crazy b--ch is and I'm not going to get her riled up by talking to her" -- he needs to decide if he wants this sort of thing to be part of your lives, because as long as you and he are married and his stepkids are minors living at his home or hers, he WILL have to deal with her. Does he usually just let her crazy do its own thing or does he have your back and his kids' backs?

You are right not to have contacted her yourself and not to say anything to the kids yourself -- especially not to his 14-year-old whenever you see her. Again--this is dad's role. What you can definitely do is thank and .praise the son for telling you what was going on so promptly when you asked. You want to keep the channels of communication open with him so he will tell you things like this. Take care not to badmouth his mom; just focus on him.

The business with the sticky notes and writing on his car sounds more like a teen girl's silly way to ask a boy out. What was on the notes and the car? Something vulgar like on your daughter's car, or just things like "come to the dance with me" etc.? If the latter -- remember that it's fashionable right now for kids to make a big "event" of asking another kid to a prom, dance or event, and if the notes etc. were not vulgar, that's probably all that was intended -- a cutesy, attention-getting invitation that is annoying but not vicious. Let that go, though it was a pain. Don't bring it up again.

The writing on your daughter's car is another thing altogether and I hope you took a time-stamped photo of that --you may not use it yet but one day you might need it. If there is any more vandalism, a photo might be useful to have it as evidence of earlier problems. Keep it.

The saddest thing is what you describe with the 14-year-old daughter. What do you mean when you say you're "working on that" regarding her attitude toward her dad and you? Does your husband realize that there are ways to have the court order that his ex cannot badmouth him or you to their child? Look on Mamapedia -- I have seen many posts in the past where it was mentioned that a child custody agreement can include statements that neither parent will badmouth the other in front of a child. Doing so violates the custody agreement, if the agreement contains such a statement. While it's too late to undo what this poor kid has already been fed by her mom, getting that kind of prohibition could be a start. Is the girl seeing a counselor or therapist? It sounds as if she, dad and you should be in family therapy -- have you looked into that? That, too, can be court-ordered if necessary, I think. I'd check it out. It's already getting very late to get this kid back from the brink of irreparable damage to her relationship with dad and you.

You should file a police report and then get a restraining order. Child exchange can be done somewhere besides your home. I think the children need to see the proper response to this which is to make a police report and get a restraining order. I would not say anything to her or the daughter; just do what you need to do.

I get it you are pi**ed. But if she stayed in the street or sidewalk she did not come on your property. They did damage two cars and need to be responsible for the damage.
But....

No matter what she is the mother of his children and whether you like it or not even if she is bat s*it crazy you will be joined at the hip for life. When the kids graduate high school and college she will be there, when they get married she will be there, when the grand kids start coming she will be there, she will be at every birthday party and school event. They are her kids and grand kids too.
So....
If you really want a good relationship with your step daughter and step son then always be nice, always be polite, always be kind to their mother. If you show no animosity toward her and never say bad things (even if they are true) behind her back she will have no ammunition against you and hubby. The kids will see you for who you are and will see their mom for who she is.
But honestly as the voice of experience just be nice to her.

Too late for this advice for you, but I will not date a person who has minor children.

Document with photos, dates and times, but I wouldn't do anything legally unless there is actual damage. You're taking the high road and making life easier for the 16 year old. He's already in a really tough spot with the situation with his sister. Right now, you're the safe spot where he doesn't have to hear about how awful the other parent is (basing this on the 14 year old being there writing on the car, etc). He can escape to your house and be away from the drama. Bringing in the police give the ex something to retaliate against (could claim he's harassing her and 16 year old has to chose sides).

It sucks and I'm sorry, but for his sake I'd try to ignore it and not give her the satisfaction to keep the 16 year old out of the middle.

CALL THE POLICE AND FILE A POLICE REPORT!! It sounds like this Woman probably already has a wrap sheet a MILE LONG!! I am SO SORRY that you and your Husband are having to go through this....GEEEZ!!!

Definitely file a police report. Remember that children's book 'If You Give A Moose A Muffin'? If you let her get away with this, who knows what she'll do next. Sorry you have to deal with someone so immature.