My younger brother (23) decided to announce to the family recently that he is gay. Actually he announced to my parents who then shared the news with the rest of us kids. My opinion is that he is not any different a person than he was a week ago, so there is no need to bring this up with my children (age 9-16mo). My husband thinks that we should sit them down (the older ones anyway) tell them "the news" and explain to them what this means, just in case he ever decides to bring another guy to dinner. My family is extremely conservative and quite frankly I think my brother would die before he would bring someone over because he knows that none of us agree with his lifestyle choice and he has always been very respectful of family rules and such. My thinking is that there is no need to bring this up to our children at this point in time. I'm sure they will come across the term "gay" sooner or later-probably sooner-and when they ask about it that will be the time to approach the situation with them. We have already had casual conversation about why someone would have two moms or two dads, but it has never been personal before. When they did ask the questions were vague, the answers were certainly not in depth, but at the time it more than satisfied their inquiries. The closest it's come for them to being personal before was that y son's baseball coach last year was a lesbian, and her partner was the assistant coach for the team. He never asked why the other woman lived with Colby and his mom (the coach), she was just another person there. To us it wasn't a big deal, she was just that, another person and we choose to define people by who they are as opposed to how they choose to live their lives sexually.
My husband thinks that we should just be proactive in it all "just in case" it comes up and he does ever bring someone over. First off, if he brought someone over, I'm sure they would just be introduced by name. If my brother were bold enough to introduce someone as a "boyfriend" my guess is that my kids would equate it to a friend that is a boy, as that terminology has been discussed both ways with them and they assume that someone who has a boyfriend in the romantic sense must be a girl. My husband's fear is that if my brother were to show romantic inclinations to a person in front of the kids, one of the kids would make a tactless remark and offend my brother. Kids are kids, if a 5yr old says something, I think my brother should understand that it is coming from a 5yr old, and we'd discuss it appropriately then.
We obviously very much disagree about how to handle this with our kids. He thinks it is an immediate need, I think it just life moving forward, an issue we will address when they ask. He feels that by me not wanting to address this heads on that I am just sweeping it under the rug. He sees this as a loaded gun just waiting to go off, I see it as no big deal, my brother is still my brother, we'll tackle it when the time comes.
The only time we've had to address anything remotely sensitive like this was when we started to approach "THE" talk. When I was expecting our youngest my older three kids (at the time nearly 8, 6 1/2, and nearly 5) started asking about how baby gets out. I had no problem with us sitting down and telling them the facts about it, and only moved on to the "how it gets in there" when they asked. My opinion is don't give the kids more info than they need at the time. Dh would have been glad to discuss everything right up front whether they asked or not, his feeling being that they are going to learn it eventually, they may as well get it NOW and not hear any of it from anyone else. It turned out ok that time because they asked, but this time since it isn't something they are asking, we are disagreeing as to where to go on this!
Is there anyone who has been in a situation like this? Any advice or thoughts or opinions one way or the other? We both agreed to give it a week or two, do some thinking and some reasoning and revisit the issue, but I'm looking for any outside input that might be helpful.
If I were in your situation, the talk I would have would be with my brother rather than my kids. Let him know that you love him, but don't agree with his lifestyle and don't want to normalize abnormal behavior for your children. For this reason, you hope he will not bring boyfriends around. If he chooses to, you will leave any family function immediately.
Something like that is probably how I would handle it.
I'm certainly not an expert, but I'd like to share my opinion. I agree with you. When the time is right, the opportunity to address the issue will come. If you doubt your brother would show up to a family function with a partner, he's certainly not likely to show PDA in front of everyone. In a few years that might change, and by that point it might be easier to explain the situation to kids that are a little older.
You and your husband need to decide together what is best. Children are not stupid if they have questions they'll ask. I have friends who are gay and I have never treated them any differently. In my home people are just people and each deserves the exact same amount of respect. I have'nt sat my kids down to explain to them why their not Mormon and most their family and friends are, why would I sit them down to discuss the issue of being gay? They come to me with questions I answer.
I guess one of the questions that you have to ask yourself first is if you want you and your husband to explain it to your children or someone else.
I have children ranging from 33-13 and I can tell you that by 3rd grade they already knew about it. And in Jr. High and High School they are right there walking the halls together. We had a family member that was gay and when we told our children about him, their only response was "Yeah, I thought so. Okay."
As you stated your family has already been around a couple so why not take the time now when they have already experienced it and talk to them about your brother so that they are comfortable about it and have time to ask any questions they have before your brother brings anyone over.
Sorry but I agree with your husband, why hide it?
So, my brother in law is gay. He's had the same partner for 11 years, and my kids- although not as old as yours, just know they've got Uncle Jack and Uncle Cooper. They know they are always together and that's all that's really needed to be said so far. We did bring up to my brothers in law once at dinner about how we love them, but our beliefs are different and at some point and time it's going to come up with our kids and we're going to do our best to explain it so they can understand what's going on. My brothers in law fully understand that kids are kids and they fully respect our beliefs too, so they'd never get offended about anything that our kids might say. We don't see the point in bringing it up to kids without their questioning because why bother? They don't need to know! So, I hope that was a little bit of a help. Maybe not, but it's worked at our house. There was one time when my son asked well who does Uncle Jack love, who's my aunt? And we just said that he loves Uncle Cooper, and that was that. Also, since they respect our family's beliefs, they don't go around "flaunting" their relationship. They don't kiss, or anything that would make anyone uncomfortable EVER, and that's very respectful of them!
Hi C.,
I think your intuition is right. They will learn sooner or later and why draw attention to it? Cross that bridge when you come to it. H. G
