Explaining Loss of a Grandparent (From Divorce) to a 5 Year Old

Updated on April 23, 2011
K.N. asks from Florissant, MO
7 answers

My husband's father has been married to a woman for 22 years. She was there when my children were born and has been a grandmother to them. This past year, they went through a messy divorce. She moved to Florida and basically cut all ties with my father in law, my husband and I and our kids, and her own daughter (my husband's stepsister) her husband and their kids. Although we remain close with her daughter and family and of course, my FIL, she is completely out of our lives (and it was very sudden). My younger two children (ages 3 and 1) don't seem to care, but my 5 year old keeps asking, Where's Gramma? Why don't we see Gramma anymore? To make matters worse, my father in law just got married to another woman (crazy, I know!) and now, he's calling her Gramma to the kids. My daughter is confused...she's still waiting to see the other Gramma. And, when we introduced the kids to the new wife, they weren't married yet and we introduced her by her first name. How do we explain this to her?

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I would also encourage the new wife to be given a different name for Gramma. Let her be Granny or Nana or something so that it's less confusing for your child.

2 moms found this helpful
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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Just be honest. Explain what "divorce" is and how it relates. Very sad. Sorry.

1 mom found this helpful

J.P.

answers from Stockton on

Honesty is the best policy - but I think that you need to be sure to explain it to her in a way that doesn't get her scared that you and her dad might do that to her in the future.....It's a thin line ~ So sorry that you are having to go through this.

1 mom found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Hartford on

Wow... I think I understand why Gramma took off to Florida and cut ties with Grampa. He sounds like a piece of work. :-( I would not allow the children to call this new wife "Gramma." That makes it look like she's replacing the children's' real Gramma.

And since you don't know how stable this new, current situation is with the new marriage I would talk to Grampa privately and tell him that the kids are going to call his new wife Nanna Sarah (or whatever her first name is).

Then I would talk to the kids about how sometimes married grown ups decide that they don't want to be married to each other any more for reasons of their own, and that it's all right to be sad when that happens. But sometimes that means that one of the people leaves because they're not comfortable being around the person they used to be married to, even though that may mean also not being around everyone else they still love.

Of course it gets messy when you later have to explain how Grampa married Nanna Sarah. :-( But along the way just ask the kids if they have any questions, and clarify. Answer simply, tell them simply, and don't give them long drawn out explanations of things.

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Be honest with her and explain things in simple language that she can understand, not too many details just simple and to the point. Answer the questions that she asks and move on. She will learn to trust you with bigger issues if she knows you will tell her the truth. Explain what happened with Gramma and where she is now. Like another poster said, perhaps contact Gramma and let her know some one special is missing her. Explain to your 5 yr old who the new wife is and how she now fits into your life. I agree with AV that the new wife should not be Gramma, that is very confusing for kids. Let her be any other name than that. Divorce is very confusing to kids, just reassure her that every one is okay and that every one involved still loves her very much, that now she has one more person to love her too.

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M.W.

answers from St. Cloud on

Have you tried reaching out to your husbands step-mom? Perhaps she feels like she HAD to leave..... I would drop her a letter with some pictures of the kids and have your 5 year old write a short note as well. Let her know that the kids miss her and that she can call you! You said it was messy, so maybe she is hurting just as bad about leaving so suddenly and losing everyone......

And if she says she doesn't want to stay in your lives, THEN explain to the kids what happens when someone gets divorced.

Good luck.

L.M.

answers from Dover on

My dad remarried when I was almost 11 months old. They were together for 25 years, then separated for several (even got back together a time or two) and finally divorced when I was about to turn 34 (so she was in my life since infancy and since I am now just 38 you can see it has been all of my life). She was in the delivery room when my son was born and was at the hospital when my daughter was born. She is and always has been "MomMom Pam" to my children and still is today. It was really hard when they separated and can be odd sometimes now because she and Dad aren't together but they had a life together for all those years and Dad has to understand. I realize that your situation is different since she has cut her ties but I shared that so you know that I have a very similiar situation.

I would tell my kids that Gramma was not your mom and since she is no longer with Grandpa she has decided to move away and you don't know if you will see her again (it's honest and doesn't go into too much detail). Tell them that you know she loves and misses them (it will make them feel better even if you don't know if it is true).

As for the new "Gramma"...I wouldn't push them to call her that but they are young enough that it may be ok (maybe not the oldest). I never called my step-grandparents "mom-mom or pop-pop" but by their first name. They could call her Gramma "whatever her first name is" (Gramma Suzie).

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