My daughter will be 4 in Septemeber, and my son is almost 6 months old. There have been a lot of ups and downs as we ride the learning curve to life with two kids. My daughter who used to sleep in her own room now sleeps in our bed. Thi9s came after I chose the path of least resistnace to bedtime wars that went on for weeks. I really dont mind sharing the bed, and I feel it is filling a need she has to be close and included with me and baby. Recently however, her clinginess has escalated and I am nearing the end of my rope. She goes to school from 8 to 3 five days a week and does fine at drop off and throughout the day, but when she is home with me, she has to be literally ON TOP of ME. I cannot even go into the next room over. Now she has started waqking up after 10 minutes if I get out of bed after she falls asleep. I cannot find a minute to myself, and my husband and I have absolutely no couple time. Any suggestions on how I can get through this phase without completely losing it or on how I can help her overcome it sooner? Thanks in advance!
Have you found time for just the two of you ? leave the baby with your husband for a while and take her out for mommy daughter time.
She had a baby too.
She was an only child, for 3-4 years.
This is a big change, in a little child's life/mind/emotional realm.
They go through stages.
Their emotions, at this age, is not even fully developed yet, nor do they 'know' how they feel, nor do they know how to say it or express it, succinctly.
Its hard for them.
My daughter was 3 when I had my 2nd child. During my pregnancy, I fully prepped her about it and what to expect and explained to her what a baby is, and how Mommy will adapt and what a baby does. It cries/wakes/I nurse him/I wake etc. It is not her 'responsibility.' It is Mommy's , she doesn't have to worry.
I explained, each month, how her baby brother was changing developmentally and that she was like that too. That I did the same for her too, when she was a baby. A baby cannot do what she does.
I spent ton of time on her.
I explained, her things are her things. I don't expect her to: share everything, nor to change herself. I know she is still just a little child herself.
I explained that just because she is the older sibling, that does not mean, I expect her to act different nor "perfect." That she can tell me anything she wants or feels. I am there for her. Always. That she is still "My first baby..."
They need to be assured that way.....
Adapting, is hard or can be hard for the older sibling.
It is a total change.
They don't know their place.
For my daughter, I spend my entire pregnancy prepping her. Then along the way, explaining everything to her, and how it is when baby brother comes home, and what the routines are now. With a baby sibling.
Explaining things to her, helped a GREAT deal.
A kid, does not know or understand these things, unless they are explained to. But, explaining to them, does not guarantee smooth sailing. But a little kid, needs to know. It helps a great deal.
I believe, this is why my daughter adjusted well to having a baby brother. And they are very close. She accepted her new 'role' and having a sibling, very well.
It is not just spending time with the eldest, but talking with them, explaining things, realizing they get stressed/insecure/worried, too. About all of these changes. Accepting them and their worries, and then helping them.
It can take time.
Just keep expectations, age appropriate.
An eldest sibling, does not suddenly change or grow-up or mature, just because they are now the 'oldest' child. They are still, just their age... per development/cognition/emotions.
I'm wondering if the clinginess is entirely related to the baby, or to a heavy preschool schedule? That's a very long school day for a 3 year old, if you are not using it for daycare to work. My daugher was 4 when her brother was born, but she was always in daycare. It came as a surprise to her during my 2.5 month maternity leave when she learned that the baby was home with me. She had assumed he was at daycare someplace else! I'd say that to tune into her needs, if you're home during the day with the baby, pay attention to her right away when she gets home. If you can, hire a sitter for the baby and go pick her up from school by yourself 2 or 3 days a week. Take her out for an ice cream, to the park or something else fun for her. If the baby is needy, it's okay to let him fuss a little (I don't mean ignore a crying baby). My daughter wasn't clingy or needy after the baby, but if he fussed, I did say "You'll have to wait a minute, I am busy with K------- right now" - he didn't understand of course, but she got the message loud and clear, that she was coming first at that time. It is also okay to tell her no, that she cannot follow you around, that you cannot play with her or have her on you every minute and that you will not lie down with her. It is okay for children to know that you have needs too, and don't actually want them on you every minute of the day. Of course, you make these changes one at a time, but be sure to give her time that's just for the two of you.
I have a 7 week old boy and a girl who will be 5 in July and another who is the same age as your daughter, turning 4 in Sept. My 3 yo has also gotten more clingy (though not too bad) since the baby. She is only in preschool 3 times a week, 2 hours each time, and she was also never an only child, she always had her sister. So her clinginess is much less, but it still gets on me sometimes. I would definitely try and do things with her one on one as some one else suggested. Also with my kids we have a game of listing all the things big kids can do that babies can't and my girls like this. Such as eating ice cream, going to the playground, going to the beach, going in the pool, having playdates etc etc. (Making them feel special so they don't mind as much all the attention baby has to get). Good luck! I think it's a tough one :-)
