Extremely Timid Child in New situations~Worried About School

I would try to find some group activity that involves you also, so she can feel comfortable and ease into the situation. Also I have been told for a while that the year before starting school is a year of huge growth, emotionally. I didn't fully believe it until recently, my son will be starting school this fall. He is making some huge steps that help me to be more comfortable with him being away from me and knowing he'll be able to cope. I also tried to push some activities and large groups still make him nervous, try picking one thing a week maybe, so she's not overwhelmed. Good Luck, it will get better.

I wonder if it would help her to have a 'buddy' in new situations. If you could sign up for a new class with a friend. This makes a huge difference for my son to feel comfortable in a new situation. With school coming in '09, I would try to connect with other kids/families that will be in her class through the neighborhood or the Spring kindy orientation. Plan playdates with these new friends before she starts school there. Also over the summer, you can use the school play equipment to make her feel at home. There could be evening activities (science fair, carnival) this coming school year that you can attend to help her feel that it is 'her school' before she gets there.

Hi J.,

I'm chiming in a bit late, but I wanted to share our experiences with sort of the same issue.

My daughters are both shy. My oldest still is, and she's 17. I didn't fully realize the seriousness of the situation with my oldest, and except for her being in daycare when I worked, and then her going to school, she didn't really have any structured and planned activities with children other than her brother who is 17 mos. younger than she is. So, she's never fully overcome her shyness. I blame myself because I didn't realize that I could help her with it. I thought she would outgrow it on her own. I'm hoping she does better when she goes to college, as she *can* come out of her shell, she just doesn't do it regularly or with ease.

My son, I called him my little politician. He would, and does, talk to anyone. He has no problems with shyness whatsoever, and in fact, I think he's a little too.....brave.

My youngest, was shy also, to the point where she would grab my leg and cry, like your daughter does. She was, and still is to some degree, a mama's girl. What I did with her, was to introduce her to as many situations as I could, where I could be involved with her outside interactions. We enrolled in Kinergym at the Y for 2 whole years, and she did preschool for two years, and in first grade, started taking swimming lessons, and is now going into 4th grade and has advanced 3 levels.

My point is that not only only children are shy(although she is 7 years younger than my 2nd youngest, so she seemed like an only child alot). 2 of my children have been shy, and there are ways you can help them to first cope, and then deal with and overcome, their shyness.

My 9 year old can now talk to people without hiding behind me(she stopped that at about age 4, and quit waiting for me to tell her it was okay to talk to other people around age 5), and now will talk to almost everyone(not strangers, of course unless she has permission).

Find a playgroup you can go to with her, Mommy and me gym class, co-op preschool(so you can be there too), library and bookstore story times, playgrounds, martial arts lessons(not just for self-defense, but more for self-esteem and so she can learn to focus in a positive way on herself), and like another mom said, try letting her spend alone time with people you trust, so that she realizes that you don't have to be there all the time for her to be OK.

Best of luck to you both. It will take time, but it's normal, and doable to overcome.

K. W

Try to acknowledge her feelings and help her to describe how she feels and how you can help her. My son is an only kid too and he showed the same social problems. Now we are at the stage that he would say: "I'm sorry, but I can't talk with you because I'm a little bit shy." and he will keep talking about that without even realizing that he started the social talk even not in the best way. I told him that it is OK to be shy for 5 min but than we need to step in and at least say "Hello". I will go aside with him and help him chose the kid or the person he would say "Hello" to first. I know it is not good to put labels on kids as they like to stick to the labels but in our case it worked better toward the social skills. Having a friend with us in a new situation helped a lot too. Than he won't feel the pressure getting to know new kids, it becomes with the play. Lately we had quite few situations when a stranger will tell him something and he will reply and talk about it for 10 min and than in some point he will bring the "shy" thing on but I will tease him laughing "Oh, oh, it is too late to say it, the shy 5 min are gone!". Getting first to a new place really helped. I will take him there and we will sit somewhere aside and talk about what will happen. We still go first at every beginning of a new swimming lesson session and we will talk about who he things will be his new teacher, how many kids will be in the class and etc. I keep reminding him that if he doesn't feel like talking to the teacher or the kids it is OK not to talk, but he needs to say "Hello" and his name. Well, now they get much more than that. It took us about an year. We even left few times in different situations because he didn't felt comfortable there. It gave him the feeling that he can control the situation and that build up his social confidence. I would say: "OK, if you don't feel comfortable we can leave now and just try again another time.". Hope I was helpful. Good luck!

It sounds to me like she has already made some progress. Even though it took three months we all don't progress at the same speed in life and I don't believe we should require our children to adhere to any kind of schedule in this respect but allow them to develop as they are comfortable. As you have already seen it helped her to have to 'face her fear' of day care by continuing to send her to daycare even when she resisted. So it looks to me like she does eventually 'move on' and become comfortable in situations if asked to face them.

Personally if it were me I wouldn't be too terribly concerned and would simply allow her to be who she is but also not over-protect her from new situations she may find uncomfortable (not saying you are being over-protective as there are some things we must protect our kids from). If you continue to gently help her face her fears I just bet sooner or later she will become a very confident child knowing that she is able to do anything. If you protect her from new situations you may find that she becomes less and less able to interact with others or become comfortable in new situations and becomes even more shy and perhaps even more dependent on you. But it's always good for her to know that you are there for her too. It sounds mean if one chooses to view it that way but in the long run you are helping her become a stronger more capable person by showing her that when she faces something it turns out that there usually really isn't anything to fear after all. As Dr. Phil often says, "Monsters can only live in the dark." In otherwords when we shed light, through facing our 'monsters', more often than not we find out that what we thought or imagined about the situation was far worse than the reality of it.

I would imagine this is a great life lesson for anyone, even a child, and will help them become confident and strong.

Good Luck,
C.

J.,

This amount of fear makes me wonder if there was a traumatic experience that has taught her to be sooooo terribly afraid? That being said, I would introduce her slowly to new things. If it's a party or gymnastics or whatever else plan on being there early so she's the first one there and can get to know her surroundings in a calm way, and can also see the other kids showing up in a trickle not just omg! there's a million of them!

Other than that I have the other problem. Both my kids, 16 months and 4 1/2 years are *very* social and will chat up anyone, well my older one will the baby doesn't really talk yet :)

Hope this helps,
Melissa

My now 12 year old was very uncertain in new situations. (He still doesn't like "new" but has come to realize it as a fact of life.) Your best course of action is patience and trust in yourself. You want to honor your child's personality but at the samr time get her to grow and reach out of her comfort zone.

I'd say take tiny baby steps but it's more like sloth movements.

When you are starting a new class (ballet, music, gym, etc.)just go and watch. Don't push for her to participate. Let her sit in your lap. After each visit talk about the things she saw that she found interesting. As she warms up to the class(and this may take many visits) have her sit next to you, then a little further (maybe across the circle), then tell her you're going to the bathroom and come back after a few minutes. I think you get the picture. And try out many differnt types of classes/experiences.

There will come some moments when you just know you need to make her try it on her own.Give her the encouragement and then give her the push. "I know you can do this so you will do it." "You need to try this, because I know you can." And you need to follow up with positive consequences for trying and negative ones for not. This is the learning to reach out of the comfort zone part. It's a very important life leason.

You will get a lot of advise/ dirty looks from parents who have "adjustable" kids about how you just need to make her go. You don't; you have the responsibilty to teach her that she can go and be okay.

You know your daughter. Just keep in mind what type of person you are trying to raise and align your actions to match your goals.

I feel your anxiety about this situation. My 3 year old son went though the same thing when I had to switch his preschool earlier this year. It absolutely broke my heart to watch him cry every time I left.

What worked for me, besides the obvious of him just needing time to adjust, was to tell him, "I know you're sad when I leave. I'm sad too" in order to validate his feelings. Then, I told him that he could be sad but that he didn't need to cry to prove he was sad, that he could smile and wave goodbye. This really seemed to make a difference.

The other thing you might try, when it gets closer to school time in '09, is to try to get a class list and schedule some play dates with kids in the class, so she's not headed into a room full of strangers.

I'm an only child, as is my son, and I think that sometimes I project my personal fears and memories on to him. I was very shy as a child. From my perspective, I think just trying to validate your little girl's feelings and work with them instead of trying to get her past them might work better.

Good luck. I know how hard it is!

My 4.5 year old son is also an only and has been pretty shy up until a few months ago. I don't think being an only has anything to do with it. Kids are all different as far as when they feel comfortable with different situations. During the time of his "coming out of his shell" we happened to be checking out local playgroups. We visited 3 different groups over the course of 3 or 4 weeks, and he just got used to meeting new people. He saw me meeting new people, so had that to look to as a model. I also encouraged him to meet new friends. When he'd ask me, "what's that girl's name?" I'd tell him to go ask her. Sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn't, and I didn't force it. By the time we visited the last playgroup on our list, he was actually looking forward to meeting new friends. It was amazing to see him go from a classic leg-hugger to a child who would shout across a roller skating rink, "Hey, what's your name?" in such a short time. Good luck!

Hi J.!

I don't think your daughter is shy because she is an only child - I've met many "only children" who are social butterflies. And I've met children of large families who are shy like your daughter. So, I think it's probably just her nature, at least for now!

First of all - kudos to you for treating your daughter with such love and sensitivity.

Second - as a former shy child : ) - I would suggest that you continue to introduce her to new things. You may need to be right by her side, you may need to just sit and watch for a few weeks, and you may need to even leave sometimes, but it will be good for her to be introduced to new people and things so that she can learn how to navigate her fears herself.

My father was very good at gently pushing me into new activities, but respecting my boundaries and letting me sit on the sidelines or leave if need me. Even though I was so scared in new situations, whenever I mastered them, I was absolutely THRILLED. It definitely built up my confidence and social skills.

Have her play at the school playyard over the summer.

Get books on going to school, act excited about it - although, if she expresses any sort of fears, acknowledge them.

Find out who her teacher will be and then try to meet the teacher WITH your daughter before school starts - even if it's only 15 minutes. Talk about the teacher by name afterwards.

Use puppets to act out possible situations - such as being shy when other children are playing - ask your daughter to "help" the puppet. This will help her practice language and behavior that she can use at school.

Brainstorm things she can do to feel "safe." Can she bring something small from home that she can hold in her pocket? Does she have a favorite sweater or something that she can wear to feel comfortable?

Finally, there have been some fantastic posts on this site regarding shy/timid children. Do a search (if you haven't already!) and you'll find tons of good information.

And she will grow out of it - I was shy through highschool, but blossomed in college. Best of luck. M.

You have gotten a lot of great advice. I was (and still sort of am) a shy person. What helps me to move out of my compfort zone is positive, gentle, but persistant encouragement. Lots of "I know you can do this. You're brave, strong, clever.....etc." I didn't then and don't now respond well to frustrated forcing or judgement from people who don't understand what it is like to be shy.

As far as prepping her for school, make it a point over this next year to use the school playground as a park. Go there once a week or so, maybe even with other friends, and make it a fun destination place. See if there is a time in the day you can visit the school library and just sit and read books, use the bathroom there and just get her familiar with the school. But I think the playground alone would help.

Keep going to new places trying new things. Be patient and encouraging and offer lots of praise to her for being in these new situations.

Jen

I had the same happen with one of my kids,, you have to get her out amung people,, start leaving her with your sister or brothers,, and family members,, then start letting her go to stores with them,, parks,, any place that your not,, lol,, meaning this in a nice way,, she needs to own up to her own independance,,and learn to do things with out mama there all the time,,this way she can interact with others,, see? let me know how things go,, D.

I can totally identify with this. My son is extremely shy in new social situations. It's hard for me to understand because I was quite the social one at his age, but my husband was just like him so I'm glad someone knows what he's going through. Instead of being clingy though, he just freezes up and won't talk to anyone. Last year at preschool it took him until about May to talk to the teacher and the other kids. This past school year was Kindergarten and I had to pull him out of public school because they were putting too much pressure on him to talk and he was having anxiety attacks that resulted in toileting accidents. We put him in Kindergarten where my other son (who is not shy in the least) was going to preschool - they had also just hired his preschool teacher as the Kindergarten teacher so that was one hurdle he didn't have to get over. It took him until January to talk to the other kids this time which was definitely an improvement. This year he is showing interest in going back to the public school (he liked their playground) so we're going to try it again in September. I met with the principal to assure her that I wanted to work with her and the teacher to increase the chances of his success. In the meantime, I have him playing with other kids as often as possible and he's in swim lessons over the summer. I think it's just going to take time for our kiddos to push past that anxiety and learn how to control that panicky feeling. My husband said it took him until about 3rd grade to finally come out of his shell - but I don't know. He was pretty quiet when I met him. :)

Fall of 09 is a long time off and kids grow up a lot that last year. I think she's trying to tell you that your pushing her too hard. Just let her be your little girl. You'll be really surprised at how things change that last year.

Have you thought about homeshooling? Some children simply need more time to "grow" socially. Homeschooling lets you introduce more situations in a more controlled (by you) environment.

I have 3 kids. My 2 boys (now 11 and 9) were quite shy when they were littler. My oldest son would cling to me at home and in new situations -- he'd smile and "flirt" at others as long as I was there. If I left him -- say, in church nursery -- he would bawl the whole time (they quit telling me "he'll be fine!"). He has since outgrown that and is confident in making friends, going to sleepover camp for a week, etc.

With your love, support and understand she'll do fine. Keep up the good work!

You might try reading John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children (a book). He talks about a lot of things to do which guide children in becoming independent and self confident. He is excellent and it's worth a shot. His website is www.rosemond.com if you want to get a feel for him.

Hi J.,
My younger son just turned 5 a couple days ago and is also very shy. Going to preschool helped tremendously. He has really started to open up to people and is more opinionated. Although he will be old enough to start Kindergarten this Fall we're going to let him go to preschool for an extra year because we feel it will help him to gain even more confidence.
I'm sure your daughter will do just fine. She just needs time.

Have you tried having your husband take her to things and how does she do with that? I think that it could be something she will grow out of with time, but I would keep introducing her to the situatuions. We all are either and introvert or extrovert and she is more of an introvert. Will she grow out of this? who knows, but she needs to learn to deal with it. Maybe you could give her a worry stone to rub in her pocket when she gets nervous or a special necklace to wear that she can touch. If it is really extreme, you may want to get the advice from a child expert on how to help her. My 5 yr old does not really like new situations and will cry for the first month of school, so I kind of know what you are going through. I would not baby her through it though. Be more like "too bad you are missing all the fun that everyone else is having". That is actually a "Love and Logic" approach. Keep your responses neutral and calm. If she tries to cling to you, just tell her that "it's too hot for you to be on me, but if you want you can choose to either sit here and watch or go join in on the fun. It's up to you. You choose what you want to do" If she insists that she wants you to hold her or anything, be firm. "oh, well your choices are sit next to me or go ____. You choose." then you ignor her. Read a book or talk to someone else. She will either get bored and go play or not. A play ground is a great place to do this exercise. The Love and Logic has a great website to learn these kind of things and I took a class at my church. It really actually helps when I remember to use it.

My experience has taught me that it's best to respect my daughter's timid and cautious nature. I would guess that going to day care is enough of a social experience for your daughter. She's successful at that now and will gain confidence because of it. Her personality might just need lots of down time. My daughter is much more willing to try new things if I limit the extra activities. After lots of time being at home playing on her own and a few new experiences staying right beside me (with no expectations to go off and interact), she's starting to really shine (she just turned 5).

Hi There! My son was the exact same way when he was four years old, he was extremely shy and there were many, many tears in adjusting to daycare and I was extremely worried about his transition to kindergarten. I also had tried lessons and different social settings to get him "warmed up" but all resulted in disaster. Finally I met with his kindergarten teacher before the school year started and explained my worries, she agreed to meet with him before the year started with me there, so he wouldn't have to say anything, could hide behind me, etc, and still see that she was a friendly person. Then about a month before school started I took my son on a walk past the school in the evenings, making a point of saying "This will be your new daycare/school very soon, they are SO MUCH FUN! Remember Ms. Smith? She was cool, right?" and then when the first day of Kindergarten came I kept my cool despite the inevitable tears. He quickly realized that other kids were scared too, but he had an edge over them-he KNEW the teacher, she recognized him and made sure he knew she was there. There were still tears in the mornings for a about a week, but I kept from reacting to his tears and just explained that this was something he had to do, I loved him, and I would be seeing him soon and couldn't wait to hear what he had done that day in school. He really blossomed in kindergarten and school is now his favorite place to go. He has a lot of friends and recognizes the place as a friendly place to go. I used to have to practically scrape him off my leg to get him to go anywhere at all, now he skips off to school happily on his own! (he is now 9 years old). Good luck!

my younger sister was super shy as a child and still is. we were raised together and the same way. she is an adult now, but what i've observed in her and also experienced to some degree, is that exposure and repetition makes things comfortable. i don't think a naturally shy person is (usually)going to change, but practice will give them the experience, confidence and coping skills to learn how to deal with situations.
that said, i would introduce her to new situations as calmly and "safely" as possible- keep them small and/or short and with an element of familiar- you or another known person nearby, a familiar place, a child she knows from daycare/friend. also, explaining what is going to happen and for how long, or observing it before participating may help.

since she was able to adjust to the day care stting, i think frequent opportunities for these "mini" new experieces would help her build her social skills and be more ready for school.

with school, starting later ( 6 instead of 5) may be worth considering- if time will help her be more socially ready or with some kids it's just a phase. when she does go, it would be really helpful to go in advance to meet the teacher, see the classroom, show her the bathrooms, practice walking to the front door of the building, whatever will reduce the unfamiliariarity of the first day. Also, if you can get her in a class with anyone she knows that will take the edge off.

good luck to you and your daughter

I was a K-1 teacher and faced a number of these children.

One girl's mother came in early with her daughter to introduce her to me and explain (simply, as the girl explored the room elsewhere) the problem. So I was prepared. But the girl cried anyway. For 3 weeks. It started out about 45 minutes. But every day was less and less time. And eventually she actually shared with the class. I ignored the crying and so did every body else. I engage her positively when she wasn't crying. She was a delightful child and her mother could not believe that she was able to share in front of the class.

Another girl was much more dramatic in her meltdown. She not only cried. Moisture came out of every orifice of her face. She knocked everything off her desk and whaled. Loudly. I ignored her. On the fifth day I looked at my watch when she came to the door first in the morning and asked what time she was having her meltdown, because we had something special planed. She laughed and never had another meltdown.

So there are a couple of clues in there for you. Meet the teacher by yourself to explain the problem. Let them make some suggestions as to how they will handle it. Then let your daughter meet the teacher before class. Take your daughter to school more than once just to play on the bars, etc. Let your daughter meet the office personnel. Don't expect your daughter to ride the bus for the first time and go to school for the first time too. See if she can find some playmates that will be going to school with her. Do not go to school for the first month. Walk to the class room door and leave quickly. Don't look back.

Another clue for you is to retain your sense of humor and to use it to lighten the situation whenever possible.

Tell her what to expect and feel. And that it's okay to feel that way. Leave her a hidden note somewhere that says I love you. Be on time to pick her up. Don't ask if she cried. Ask what she did and tell her how proud of her you are.

This can be done with minimum pain for you and your child, if you plan careful and enlist the help of your child's teacher early. Work as a team.

Good luck.

Have you ever considered trying homeopathy or even perhaps Bach's flower remedies? There are many trained professionals working with these two methods that may be able to help your daughter work through her fear/anxiety in a gentle, non-toxic way. Both methods are extremely safe and can work well with children.

Good luck!