Family and Parenting

Updated on June 25, 2008
K.S. asks from Gill, CO
10 answers

Hello mom's out there! I am new to this site and just wwanted to send out an email introducing myself. I am newly married with 3 kids 2 of which I inheirited through marriage. My oldest is 10 and the two younger ones are 4 and 6. It's been an adjustment when you are used to having a mild mannered child who is behaved and then getting two kids who are very active and somewhat discipline issues, how do I or can I work to achieve so I am not constantly yelling at them for behaving badly? Sometimes they listen but when we go out in public to a restaurant or something they behave very badly. I love them dearly and they are very sweet kids! Thanks for your thoughts and comments!

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice! I have started looking at some books on love and logic and I hope to gain some helpful insight on how my kids can benefit in the long run by becoming more responsible and more behaved. I will definitely keep the lines of communication open with all you mom's! Thanks so much!!

Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.T.

answers from Provo on

Read Love and Logic! It is so great! They have books for every age group. It is about giving kids choices and helping them to feel they have control over their lives so that when you need to be the one making a choice their is not a fight. With lots of great information in easy to read and do style. It is the best I have found for teaching kids to well behaved and help them become responsible adults.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.H.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Consistency is the key to this as well as something called "love & Logic." You probably have heard of this. If not, it's basically letting consequences for behaviors. Of course, it has to be the same conewquence each (and EVERY time). It may seem harsh, but if they are acting up at a resturant you can get the food to go and leave. This would be the most effective. Also, if I let my kids know what is to be expected of them before hand, it really really helps.

I used to yell A LOT (I still do yell, but nothing like before). Here a few of the things I learned. 1-Get on their "level." If you have to squat down, do so and look in their eyes. That is a lot more effective. 2-Make sure I continue to say the same thing that I am asking over and over again. If my 7 year old asks me if he can play, I will tell him, "When your chores and homework are done." Of course, in the beginning, he would throw a big fit and tell me it wasn't fair. I told him (calmly) when you are done throwing your fit, you can play. I've learned from one of my parenting classes, that when we yell at our children, all they hear is the yelling and not what we say, but our tone. 3-Stay consistent. Now, my son will come home and say, "What's my chore?"

Please, don't get me wrong. I used to yell and yell and yell. You name it, I was yelling over it. I don't know what techniques you are using, but these are what have helped me. The reason for the examples is because I don't know how to expalin it any other way.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.R.

answers from Denver on

Good luck to you!! Step-parenting is hard. I had request for advice similar to yours regarding my step-son influencing my 3 year old negatively. Beware! Many moms yelled at me for "not loving" my step-son and treating him like he wasn't my own son! Which wasn't the case, or the question. This was almost 2 years ago and no matter how much love I showed my step-son, his nastiness still showed through. I actually have 2 step-kids and there are behavioral and discipline issues with both. Unfortunately, being the "step" parent, if your situation is anything like mine, your influence will be minimal, if at all. All I can do with my problem, is take my biologicaal son aside and tell him WHY their behavior is unacceptable and make sure he knows what's right and what's wrong. Your husband is going to need to step in and take an ACTIVE role in discipline, and he must NEVER undermine your authority or the kids will see that as a "get out of trouble free" card and any authority you have will go right out the window. I love my step-kids dearly, also, but the problems they will cause in your marriage surpass all problems unless you and your husband are on the same page and support each other and always FOLLOW THROUGH WITH PUNISHMENTS!!!

I've found that putting my "bonus kids" to work seems to iron out problems. They love to help out and thus receive praise rather than criticism. Don't take them out to dinner, or take two cars! If they misbehave, have their father take them home while you finish enjoying your night out!

Good luck to you! Being a step-parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. When they have discipline issues, it's also the most TIRING thing you've ever done. It's exhausting, but hang in there. Love and consistency are key.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.H.

answers from Provo on

Hi K.! I have found a book titled "123 Magic" It has been very helpful and it adresses these issues your asking about. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.W.

answers from Colorado Springs on

K., I know exactly what u r going thru. I have 2 of my own and 4 stepchildren. When I came into their life I only had one too. Stepparenting is not easy at all. It can be fun at times though. I have been doing a lot of research on different tolls and techniques to use because i too am running out of ideas for getting the kids to behave and do what i need them to do. I checked out an audio book on Love and Logic, teaching kids responsibility. They give many examples of how to deal with issues such as the one presented. I have also been reading some books for stepmoms, that i found on amazon.com. They have been encouraging me a great deal. I know there is also another book that FOCUS on the Family has which talks about different ways to discipline without being physical. I hope this helps.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.C.

answers from Denver on

Hello,
Although I don't have experience, I've heard good things about Love and Logic Parenting classes. I think they even offer classes for step-parenting. Google it, there are a lot of offerings in this area I believe.
L.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.D.

answers from Denver on

Hi K.,

I would tell them that eating out is a privelege, one that they will not be able to enjoy if they don't act right. Just tell them that you will just take your 10 year old, because he is acting right. Don't know if you have a sitter for the 4 and 6 year old, but maybe someone could help you out by just watching them when you do go out for dinner etc. Make eating out a "reward" to them.
No McD's or pizza, or whatever they like until they behave. You might even bring home the leftovers and show them what they missed.
Hope that helps...
C.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.B.

answers from Denver on

K.; Welcome to the world of step parenting! It'll be the best thing and hardest thing you ever do! I have 2 SKs that live with me full time (17, 15, I met them when they were 10,12). I highly recommend that you hook into some of the step-parenting boards - they can be very helpful, and remind you that you aren't alone!

The best I've found is on www.babycenter.com - go to their Community/Bulletin Boards area, and you can find the parents/step-parents area.

The biggest advice to give you to start is to let your husband do most of the discipling, especially early on. Concentrate on building your relationship with the kids. A couple other comments:
-make sure you and your husband are on the same page. this is probably the biggest thing you can do to make your marriage a success. The kids may try to "divide and conquer" - when his kids are mad at you, they will try to get Dad's sympathy. My husband was always very clear that he intended to be married to me forever, and they would need to deal with it. I've known others where they didn't do this, and they are having significant issues.
-make sure that you and your husband have "alone time", AND that he still has alone time with all the kids, and that you have alone time with all the kids. Helps to build the relationships all around.
-make sure you take time for yourself. Take a walk, take a bath, read a book - it's soooo easy to get lost in the kids that you forget to take time for yourself.
-remember when things happen that they are kids. Yes, they are stepkids, but they are kids first. Sometimes I have to remind myself that (for example), teenagers are challenging whether or not they are kids or stepkids.
-enjoy the little moments - the laughter, the hugs and the little moments that make it all worthwhile.

Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.M.

answers from Denver on

Hi K.,
I'm a stepmom of an 9 year old daughter but was lucky enough to have met her when she was almost 3. I've always found it best to stick to my rules when she's with me no matter what rules her Mom has at her house or when she's with her. Things have gotten better over the years becasue she knows how I expect her to act. In fact, she's more respectful to me than she is to her Mom becasue I simply wouldn't tolorate back talk etc. We have a wonderful realationship, she's a great kid but I truly beleive it's because I stuck to my guns. That being said, I've always let my husband deal with her Mom when it comes to any issues and only gave her my opinion when she asked for it. She and I are now very friendly and get along great. I firmly beleive that all three of us as parents put my daughters best intrest first and that's why she's so well adjusted. Good luck and stick to your guns with the disciple, they'll come around.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.G.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Because you are new to each other they are feeling this out now. They want to see how much they can get away with with you and where your boundaries are. It's important to set down the law. Role playing is the best way I have found to teach my kids things. Maybe it would be fun to ask them how a person should behave and have them help you make some rules for that behavior. It might be fun to have a resturant at home. Have them dress up one day and be on their best behavior. When they have learned to do a good job, maybe they could invite some friends over for as resturant game. When they figure out behavior at home a reward could be to take them out to a fancy resturant. I hope you figure this out. Good luck

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches