Step-mom Advice for Teenage Son

What you can do depends on your relationship with your son and your hubby's expectations of you. If he is getting defensive with your suggestions alone then he is not going to back you up if you step in. When my step-son had these issues WE told him that he needed to shape up or we would be homeschooling. We had to back that up but I am confident he is getting a good education and he is now a very responsible boy. I've also been in his life since he was 3 tho so he has long since accepted my ability to parent him.
You want to let you husband know that you will support his desisions with you step-son no matter what but he does not have to do it alone. You two are a TEAM! He does not have to make all the decisions, or be the only parent. He just needs you on the same page. Ask what he expects from you and how much authority you have. If your teen does something wrong while he is at work can you ground him? send him to his room? yell? If you do these things will your hubby come home and undo it or support you?
My boy and I have alot of fun with some of this. At 6'3" there is not much I could do to stop him but comonly if he gets smart or sassy I'll say "you'd better knock it off. I'll climb a chair and knock you upside the head if I have to!" He'll usualy laugh and this will stop what ever I saw comming. Sometimes he'll run off and pout though.
One thing to realize with all this. He has stood up to his mom and her boyfriend. He has no respect for either and if they tried something like that things would get physical. He accepts my words because he dad had fostered our relationship and backed me up always even telling him that he had to give me at least the respect of a babysitter because he has put me in charge.
Once you get your hubbies back up go to fosterparents.com and order some courses for anything that sounds like him. They are cheap and will give you the prospective of someone who does not have a realtionship built up.
I hope this will help! Step parenting is hard especialy when your the only caring mom available!

I'm not saying that he is violent at all, but John Rosemond has an extremely useful book called "Raising a Nonviolent Child", and I think it might be useful for you and your husband. It is eye opening and explains why kids do some of the things you are concerned about with your step son. You definitely want to get control of the situation before it gets any worse. I can't recommend the book enough. I read it for my toddlers, and it has useful info for any age children. I'm sure he has feelings of rejection because of his mom, and he might feel displaced with his dad making new kids with another woman... It's hard on kids, and then maybe his dad is feeling guilty about all that turmoil and isn't providing enough discipline. Good luck!

That is so tough for you. He has underlying issues with abandonment from his mother and may not even realize it. He may be looking for companionship with someone who won't judge him. Become his best friend and listen instead of yelling. Ask a lot of questions about the way he is feeling about different things. Ask if you can help him with his school work. Maybe he is feeling too overwhelmed with emotional issues and can't stand more stress by going to class. It's not alway a misbehavior, but reasons for his behaviors,

Kerry, You are in an impossible situation. Your step-son is 15 and it seems has had no consistent discipline. He also is on medication that makes him drowsy. Although your husband wants to help his son he's not able to be a calming influence or provice consistent, effective discipline. He becomes defensive with you and is not working on including you in the parenting of your step-son. Even if he is able to listen to your observations and suggestions you and your husband do not have enough time to come up to speed by yourselves. I highly recommend getting a professional involved. You need family counseling. It's likely that your step-son needs serious psychological intervention. He's had to deal with too many disruptions in his life and he has not yet learned to modify his behavior so that he can have a less conflict ridden life. At this point conflict feels more comfortable to him than love.

You and your husband are already having difficulty in your relationships with each other. You guys need to find a way to support each other without anger and defensiveness so that you can have a solid marriage for your young ones. At this point the younger ones are still able to accept and learn rules and discipline. (depending on their age, how bonded they are with you and your husband and how well they behave now. Conflict in the home is already negatively affecting their emotional growth. At this point the most upsetting conflict is the conflict between you and your husband which causes the whole household to be on edge without any of the chldren seeing or feeling much security. If you and your husband could work together in a calm and workable manner the step-son would be less of an influence over your marriage and the parenting of the young ones. And he would be more likely be less rebellious.

Now he is feeling unwanted and unloved. He has changing hormones resulting in confusing emotions. He will be unable to make much positive progress until he feels supported. All of you desperately need professional help.

I make this recommendation based upon both professional and personal experience. As a police officer I worked in the Juvenile Section assigned to the Runaway Desk. As a parent I adopted a 7 yo girl who had had a chaotic life before coming to live with me. Without profesional help both of us would probably be shattered now.

My daughter, at 7, was angry and both verbally and physically abusive to me. She knew of no other way to relate to an adult. She became a difficult teen but grew into a responsible adult. This would not have happened without professional intervention. Although I was a professional, trained to handle such kids, I couldn't parent her by myself.

I suspect that your husband feels guilty and worthless as a parent to his son. He may be so afraid of his thoughts and feelings he has to be defensive to even see himself as a good person. Parenting is a part of who we are and if we can't succeed as a parent then who are we? These are the thoughts that caused me anquish.
For him he has the added burden of not being there for his son many years ago. He's probably still angry with his ex-wife because their marriage didn't work and now she's turned a very angry distubed son over to him. Your husband has a whole lot of baggage from the past with which to deal and then he gets a son who not only has emotional baggage but who also doesn't seem to even want a positive relationship with him.

Your family is between a rock and a hard place. I think that the only way you can even begin to get out of it is through professional evaluation of your step son and counseling for all of you.

I praise you for wanting to find out how to help. Whatever you and your husband decide to do the next few years age going to be tough.

I'm a retired police officer who was assigned the runaway desk for several years.