Family/Friends Provide No Support (Sorry This Is So Long)

I couldn't imagine life without support. Try looking up local Moms groups. MOPS is one I know personally. But they are all filled with moms who know what it's like to need support and are willing to give it.

K.,

I feel you!!!! I am in a very similar situation. I have a 1 year old and a 22 month old. Everyone was so excited for us I thought we would have to fend people off...we weren't so lucky. Long story short...I hired a wonderful woman to come once a week to watch the boys. It gives me chance to do all the running around I need to do as well as a chance to miss my boys..which is a good thing. It did take a little time to find her but in the end, I think she saved my sanity. Let me know if you would like advice on how I went about my search and screening process. Also, I know how abandoned you can feel when you think you have a good support network that just doesn't some through for you...if you need to talk, I have a good set of ears. Email me and we can connect on the phone...it may help just to have someone to talk to until you find someone to help out.

K.-Sorry you are feeling so low, I can slightly relate. Mother-In-Laws just are never around when you need them. I am 53 years old and a grandmother of 5. Neither of my kids or grandkids live locally, but we make sure we see our grandkids on a monthly basis, whether they are here or we go to Chicago or Grand Rapids. My husband travels quite often with his job so I spend lots of time alone. I work full-time out of the house so I spend most of my days and evenings at work. Makes the time go faster. With the world being the way it is anymore I know its hard to trust outsiders but if you ever just want to talk, my personal email is ____@____.com husband and I are not originally from MI so we have no family or true friends here.

K.,

First off, please stop hoping that your MIL will change her ways. I am sure she loves you and your kids, but some people just don't "do" the grandparent thing. Sad, but true.

Secondly, you NEED to get out of the house. Pick up an issue of Metro Parent magazine and look for opportunities to share with your children. Libraries, church events, museums, the zoo all have events that draw in Moms in your same situation. Strike up some conversations and make contacts!

Finally, you need to find some time for yourself. Have you considered part-time day care? Children can really benefit from spending time with other children, where they can play, learn, and work on their social skills. I know it SOUNDS selfish, but you are no good to anyone if you don't take some time to focus on yourself, and I don't just mean a trip to the dentist. You have been on a very long journey to become the mother that you always wanted to be, but never forget that you are a woman, wife and friend as well.

Good luck.

There are many similar issues that you are going through that I also went through; I was older when I had my children, (35-40), my mother passed on after the birth of my firstborn, and I stopped working and became a SAHM. I didn't live close to famiy, and even though my mother-in-law would help in a second, she doesn't drive. My husband works very long hours and I am basically alone to handle everything at the home end. I ended up hiring a babysitter for me to do my errands, appointments, etc., about once a week, for a few hours. It was impossible to do the running around with the kids (I have 3). Your MIL isn't your mother and you have to just accept that. She will develop her own relationship with your children, but you cannot base it on what you think a grandmother should be. That will only lead to disappointment on your end. I also think that it is horrible that my kids never had the chance to know my mother, but that is the way it is. I let them know what she was like through me. Gently, in the everyday moments of life, I teach them about the circle of life. I don't want to make them feel that they are missing something they cannot have, so I say things like, 'this is how my mother did it', or 'this is my mother's special cookie recipe', things that bring her into their life on a level manageable for them.
It sounds like you are in transition, and like the other moms here, I really think you could benefit from a mom's group, whether it is through your place of worship or any of the other wonderful suggestions. I also had some lonely times, but as your kids get older and you take them to fun clases, you will meet more people. In the meantime, a mother's group can help with that. Transition is hard, but exciting to have another chapter in your life open up.
You and your husband worked really long and hard to have a family. It is sad to not have it the way you always thought it would be. Raising babies/toddlers is HARD! And it is harder if you feel alone. The task of keeping your extended family together does not fall on your shoulders. Right now, your own family needs you. If when your kids are older you want to take on that task, that is up to you if it is right at that time, but it doesn't sound right now. They may not be ignoring you, they're taking care of themselves and their families, and you need to do the same.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. A few sessions with a counselor might help you sort out a lot of these issues and help you in this transition. Good luck

Hi K.,

We've all experienced helping friends and family when we didn't have kids. But as soon as we have our "Where's the Help". Girl you and your hubby need to work it out. I'm sure he can watch the kids while you go to the dentist. You're a stay at home mom, and you need your space too. Talk it over with him, and pray and ask God to send you help. Reach out to some of the Mother's and Missionaries at your church. If you don't have a church home, it's time you started looking. The church has so much support to offer.

Be Blessed!!

You really need to join a local moms group. This has been a lifesaver for me! We have a great group in farmington: http://www.farmingtonareamomsclub.org/
,or check out
http://www.momsclub.org/links.html

my situation is similar..

I have a 2 year old girl and a 9 month old boy. I too stay home with the kids.

My mother is gone, my mohter in law is gone. My husbands father is remarried and they live in florida.. So basically we have no local family for help.

It would be wonderful if we had two loving grandmas and grandpas to help us --but we dont. I dont think about it.
I dont let it get me down.

I pay for all of my childcare. I have a lady that I hired to come to my house and watch the kids one day a week. I schedule all of my dr appt on that day, I go grocery shopping, and I run all of my errands on that day. I do not take my kids anywhere with me. It is too hard and too stressful.

I dont know about your finances but I bet you could afford to pay for a few hours of childcare once a week. It will do wonders for you if you know that your helper is coming on Tuesday and you can get out.

If you live near Shelby township, my caregiver is looking for extra work. If not Craigslist has many many people looking to babysit.

It is not easy having 2 young children.. But it does get easier each step of the way.

I'd start with yoga, and some new friends! Ask a few Mama's (maybe from this group) to meet you some where for tea while the kids play. Something like jungle java, or such.
I just made raw food/vegan friends that potluck once a month! So maybe it's a group at the library, or craft group (I was invited crafting at a local bar even!)
As for my family if I ask and never get help, ever, I'd feel the way your husband suggested. I know there family, and they of all people should be there for you. But if there not, get some girlfriends who are!
I'd ask my husband to help me get help, or hire it if I need it that much.
Good luck, take care of yourself too, A. H

K. ... there has been a lot of support given in regards to your MIL, bringing in a sitter, getting together with other moms ... so I wanted to just offer a thought to you in regards to your mom. We can all sense your pain over losing her and missing her presence today with your children. When I read about your mom, it immediately made me think about my brother, who passed almost 10 years ago. At the time, my husband and I had only one child who was newly 6 at the time. He remembers some of his Uncle James, but at that age, you don't remember a lot. When my son was 10, we welcomed another baby (big surprise!) and now have 5 kiddos ... who do not know this brother whom I loved and adored. One day, as I thought once again how much they missed by not knowing their uncle, I realized they could get to know him vividly through me. My house has countless pictures of their uncle - with me as a kid, with their oldest brother and with his friends. Through me, they know how wonderful Down Syndrome kids are and all the greatness they contribute to the hearts of others and their community. They have heard endless stories of his active social life - out with friends to skate, bowl, get pizza - or at his job at the St. Louis Bread Company. They have laughed at my stories of growing up with him. Often, one of them will come up to me - out of the blue - sit on my lap and say, "Mom, tell me about Uncle James". They know him through me ... they love him through me. No, it's not the same as having him here, but if you haven't already, I encourage you to tell your kids all about your mom. Even now when they are young, you can share pictures of her, tell about the things you did together, etc. You can celebrate her birthday and make a big deal about her on that day (don't think she won't "be there" ... she will). You can make her favorite meals or go to her favorite places ... and help them get to know her ... and you enjoy her love ... though in a way that's different than you would like. I am comforted that my brother is not forgotten, but lives through my stories and is known well to my children. I hope some of these ideas help. It is a hard journey and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

K., here are a couple of things I would like to share with you.

With no friends and family to help you out, I suggest you hire someone who can help out with household chores and watch the children, or whatever you need help with. Try posting here on Mamasource.

Since you said you feel better for venting, my suggestion is for you to write down everything that is bothering you and when you are finished tear it up. This technique should make you feel better.

Forgive everyone and make a daily gratitude list. List every one and every thing that you are grateful and thankful for daily. It is important to focus on what you want in your life, not what you don't want. What ever you give attention to will show up in your life. Focusing on frustration and disappointment will only bring more of the same.

Much success to you and your wonderful family.

K.,

Alright ladies out in Mamasource land...I am calling on you to help our "sister".

I am not sure where you live, but K. give me a call! I work full time, but if I can help you out on weekends I am here.

My parents are 45 minutes away, my in-laws 2 hours so I understand. More than anything when I had my son I needed help and did not get it. I struggled and although my friends wanted to help, they could not give me the level of support I needed. They did give me meals and phone calls which I grealty appreciate.

I would check out local mom groups, they are a great source of support. My parent group supports each other by watching our children for free for each other! If you go to church seek out the MOPS group. Know that we always hurt the ones we love most; it is crazy but we do.

Do not hesitate to email me privately, I would love to help you any way I can.

HI K., I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I unlike you have all the help and more. But why I am writing is because I am willing to help you anytime. I am a SAHM also but babysit in my home parttime. I live in Sterling Heights. Feel free to email me if you want help. I love kids and love to make new friends. Even if it is just to meet at the mall and walk around with the kids and get a pretzel or lunch. I look forward to hearing from you.
Good Luck. J.

K., My mom passed away the week that my younget doughter was born. She was supposed to come out and help, instead, she was told that her breathing problem was due to allergies to her new dog. I had two dogs, so she sent my sister out instead of her. She died the next morning. I am so grateful it was not at our house. She is from Idaho, and we are in Sterling Heights Mi. Anyway, I have 4 other brothers and sisters. My doughter had some health problems when she was born. I have two older boys as well. We had moved out here with no family around. (Husbands job transfered).
There are times I miss my mom so much. I have to go to the shower to cry though, because my husband doesnt understand. He gets angry when he can't "fix" thing for us. His mother sounds verry much like your in-law.
I can't stand her. My anger boils up when I just think of her. We have been married for 14 years now. My oldest son is turning 11 years old. In all that time, she sends birthday cards with money. Once in a while a Easter card, and a christmas card with money. I can count on one hand how many times she has called my kids, just to chat. Add to that same hand, and it would include the times she has called just to chat with her son. We have lived here for 7 years now. She has been out here 5 times. They are bucoo rich, and totally cold afford so much more.
My mom used to send "Just because I love you"packages a couple of times a year, and would call at least once a month to talk to the kids. I miss her so much.
NOW, for the help: I had to realize that people have such vastly different personalities. It was not untill this last christmas when they came to visit, that I actually ask my husband to take the kids and his dad, and go to a movie, so I could get to know his mother better. I ask her about her mother, and grandmother. I realized, that they never had a part in her life, and that she didn't know what to do. I realized that she was afraid, and intimidated, because I would tell her what my mom had done, or would have done, (for me to vent and talk about missing my mom), but she took that as that she was not good enough.
Also, I was lucky enough that I was the last of my brothers and sisters to have children. My mom was NOT as great as a grandmother to the first grand chileren as she was to mine.
I had a heart to heart with her, on neutral terratory. We went out to dinner. I told her she had some ultimatums. She could be a part of the kids life, or that, in order to preserve the fradgile part of me, I would slowly, quietly cut them out of the kids lives. I explained the things I appreciated about them, (the in-laws), and the things my husband spoke of liking the most about them. I told her the things my husband explained that he loved about his grand parents. Simple things, like, they would hang his pictures up on one wall in the house, that no one else would see, but it made him feel so special. They would put up his actual photos of him, and his art work. I sujusted some of her tallents, that would make such a difference in the kid's life. I told her how much the kids, and my husband and I needed them to be more integral in our lives.
I ask her, what she would feel comfortable doing withh them, or for me. I ask her, what I had been doing wrong that might have been scareing her off. How could I be a better doughter in law?

Then I ask her to think about her life with out these children. I ask her to think about my childrens lives with out her. I reminded her, that my mother was not sick when she died. It was NOT slow and painful...it was quick and unexpected. I begged her to be a memory in my childrens lives, before she could not be a memory.

I humbled myself with my siblings too. They had ask me to quit calling them, because I called them when I was the most lonely. They hated it when I dragged up the pain for them. They hated that they could not help me feel better or make the hurt and pain go away. They needed my help and support too.
So, I quit asking for too much, I quit calling when I hurt too much. I started making it a point to call about the good things too.
I made a scrap book of them with my children, and wold show it to them when they came over. I made a wall in my house of my neices and nephews and reletives. When they come over, it is the first thing they go to. It is a lot of fun, happy memories. (I go there all the time to help myself now)
I joined a few play groups, and a church group. I made more friends that had more in common with me. I am SO much more happy. I don't live for people to call and invite me anymore. Once my family didn't have me in their face, needing them all the time, they actually missed me.
When I had more friends and things to do, I just started enjoying my family for who they were a whole lot better. It is still not easy being around the in-laws. But it is getting better, slowly, but surley.
I also sujested to her, to ask her friends what they do to be a good grandma. (that way, I didn't have to acuse, she hasa started some cool things on her own. I have to make a big deal out of anything she does, but she is getting braver. smile. _) Hope this helps. It CAN get better. -L.

I am so happy for you and your husband. Your children are such a blessing. I too have 2 kids (boys-11 and 13). I also had a mother-in-law just like yours. I finally came to the sad conclusion that she was NOT going to change and I was NOT going to force my children on her. She was not invited over for birthday parties, etc. If she wanted to see the kids, she knew our ph. # and address. Needless to say, she never came or called. Just because she's a blood relative, doesn't mean she will be a great grandmother. Our neighbor was actually more like a grandmother to my children than their biological one. My own mother was great in the beginning, but has been diagnosed w/alzheimers (4 years ago). K., let it go!! It will affect your marriage and relationship w/you kids. Get a babysitter from the local high school. My husband and I actually knocked on the door of a strangers house on our block to see if she'd consider babysitting. It worked out great!! Good luck. K.

You might try looking into a local Moms group like MOPS - Mother's of Preschoolers, or your church Mom's group if you have one and they do. I had my children when I was 36 and 37. My in-laws were caring for my sister-in-law's kids so I didn't feel like I could ask them and my mother was in her 70's and I couldn't leave them with her alone. All of my friends either returned to work or had their kids earlier in life. I felt lost and with no support as well. I joined a local MOPS group and it was wonderful! There were women there who had kids the same age, going through the same things, and I've been blessed with wonderful new friendships who support me when I need it.

Just a thought...

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. We have 3 kids (4 years and 11 month-old twins) and both work full time. Our families are not in the area and most of our friends also have small children. We choose to get help with the kids on a regular basis to make it easier for us to do things that need to get done - errands, appointments, things around the house. Because we don't have anyone in the area that can regularly help out, we have a fleet of babysitters and mom's helpers that we use. It is always a good idea to have a few people you use fairly regularly so they know the kids and the kids know them and so you have options if someone is not available. This isn't inexpensive, but for me, it is worth it. By having help, it helps me to feel less stressed and frustrated and allows me to get more done, to do it better and faster, and to ultimately spend better time with the kids because I know chores are taken care of, I've gotten a much needed break, and I can focus on the kids when I'm with them. Of course finding sitters can be a job in itself.

As for your comment that you are trying to keep your family together. By this I assume you mean your extended family. I'd advise you to let this go. It sounds like your efforts are futile and you are simply expending energy and time and emotion that could be used more effectively elsewhere.

The other observation I have is about expectations. I believe we all think that if we do something for someone else that is something we'd want someone to do for us, we believe we are meeting that other person's needs. So you are saying you did A, B & C for your friends/family so they should do the same for you. Well, maybe A, B, and C are things that were very nice and generous, but maybe the people you did them for would have said that their needs were really D, E & F. But because you'd want someone to do ABC for you, that is what you do for them. Does this make sense? Maybe you took the kids camping because that is what you'd want someone to do for you, but isn't it possible that the parents of the kids were fine with the kids going on the trip but that they didn't really care either way. Also, did you take the kids camping for their benefit or for the benefit of the parents?

I don't know what to say about the local family not taking the time to see your kids. It is obvious this is something that you don't understand and that hurts you, but the fact is that people have different priorities and may just not value family as much as you do. It is sad, but there isn't a lot you can do about it. I do agree with your husband that maybe lowering your expectations of others would put you in a position to not feel disappointed in them so much.

Hope this helps.

I also feel your pain somewhat. My Mom is still living but when my oldest was 1 my parents moved to Florida. They come around every summer but when my brothers kids were young they were here to help them. My MIL was never there for my kids she only lives across town and it's always about how terrible she is feeling, she is in her 70's like my parents are but man oh man what a different lifestyle. I have 7 siblings and their kids are mostly way older than mine. The brother that is closest in age has kids younger than mine and we trade off babysitting when needed. Usually its me watching his kids cuz my kids are scared of everyone but my nieces and nephews lol! But anyway to get to the point, when my older two were 2 years old I put them in a CO-OP preschool and I met many friends to fill the void. I was on the board and we had meetings once a month and that was nice to get out with the girls. I have a few good friends that we talk on the phone every week after the kids are in bed, no interruptions. I think you should look at the positive side you have the children you always wanted and you have a hubby that sounds supporting. Join some groups with the kids, library reading time, co-op, even look in your own neighborhood for friends. I went to my neighbors house one time with my candles that I was selling and she was very friendly, had kids my kids ages and she had us come in. We became pretty good friends and hung out at least twice a week while the kids played. I know the response is long, always is from me but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Keep positive and keep your eye out for opportunities :)