SO, my parents, sister and brother have moved in with us for about 4 months now. My husband was ok with it, he said my parents can stay in our daughters rooms. my brother and sister sleep in our living room. Never had i thought it would be so much drama. i am very stresses about the situation. my parents provide about 300 a month for all of them. my sister was laid off . My brother works, but does no provide anything. He did once in the 4 months he has lived with us. However he is the one that causes the most drama. he doesnt wash his dish, he leaves his clothes out in the living room. he disrespects me. he doesnt respect my husband. basically nobody respects my husband. the reason is because they say he is lazy and he doesnt help me out. he is not a clean freak like my parents, so he does not meet my parents standards. i agree that sometimes we can all be cleaning and he could be watching tv. we used to stay with my parents for a whole year in their livingroom and they never asked us for rent, since my husband had been left jobless when the mortgage industry collapsed. i feel in between of my husband and family. they disrespect him. my mom has called him names. to which he has never said a word. they want to tell us how to raise our girls. i am so thankful for them because yes they have helped us soo much. and i guess i feel in debt with them. but im tired of not feeling respected. i want themto get along with my husband.
Respect your husband enough to tell the family to leave if they can't respect him. This is his home and he is the head of household--- they don't have to agree or even like what you two do, but they should respect you and your hubby.
M
Would you allow his family to treat you the way your family treats him?
They need to move out. No one should be disrespected in their home.
Of course your husband watches TV instead of cleaning up - he has his disrespectful, freeloading inlaws living with him. The least he could is relax and let them help out. This is ridicuolous. Your disrespectful family needs to move out.
You know, your husband was gracious enough to let them stay with you. He likely feels obligated because your family has helped you out in the past, but being disrespectful is just mean. For heaven's sakes, since when do guests help or not help based on their opinion of their host? Your brother doesn't pick up after himself and they gripe that your husband doesn't help you?
I would tell your family you love them, but things aren't working out. Times are tough and that's why they shouldn't be biting the hand that feeds them, so to speak.
Your husband likely doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to upset you over your family. The least they could do is think that highly of you.
They will continue as they do until you tell them it hurts you and you can't stand for it anymore.
I just wouldn't hold it in anymore.
Just my opinion.
Best wishes.
kick them all out for being disrespectful to him
You and your husband need to sit down together and discuss how much you are willing to take and where you are going to draw the line. then you both need to sit down with your family and lay down the law. Be nice, but firm. Start out with telling them how thankful you both are for there help in your time of need, but you will no longer allow any of them to say anything disrespectful/spiteful/mean about your husband. This is unacceptable. They dont' have to agree with how your marriage works or how you raise your children, but they do have to keep their mouth shut as long as they are living with you.
Also, how long is everyone planning on staying? There needs to be a timeline to get things moving along. And brother needs to start pitching in or he will have to find another place to live. - don't let him use husband not helping clean as an excuse for him not doing anything- you are not married to him- he is a guest/renter in your house.
Get the book "Boundaries" and read it with your husband. Yes, your family helped you in time of need, and you are more than willing to help them in their time of need, but you will not put up with them being unkind to your husband. Don't let them hold their generosity over your heads- that is not what people do to each other.
good luck!
~C.
It sounds like you have a very patient and loving husband. This is a non-issue about whose side you should be on. Obviously, you need to support your husband 100%. You need to stand up for him, and not allow anyone to disrespect him in his own home. He is providing financially for all these people, and they have the nerve to put him down? They should be cleaning so much that there is no need for your husband to lift a finger to do anything. They should be thankful and helping out around the house in a tremendous way. They sound ungrateful. I would never allow someone to live in my home if they disrespected my husband. It doesn't matter that they helped you before. You are not enslaved to them for it. Were you thankful? Did you bad mouth them when they were feeding you and giving you a place to live? I am honestly appalled by their behavior. I know you are thankful to them, that is a great thing. But, it doesn't trump what your husband is doing now, and with such grace and patience. Go kiss your husband and give him a huge hug. Let him know how much you respect him and adore him for being such a great guy! :)
Communication is key. It sounds like you need to sit down, first with just your parents and express your feelings to them. Don't leave until it's resolved. Then sit down with everyone and talk again. You have to let them know what your feeling though.
I had my inlaws live with me for 4 months. It was a 2 bedroom house and there were 6 of them (plus my husband and I made 8). Tack on the 4 dogs (3 were theirs), 2 cats and their ferrit and we had a full full house. We had some tension issues and I still regret not talking them out with these people. Nothing has been the same since. I'm not saying that's your fate but it seems like it possibly could be. Good luck!
You need to put a time limit on how long they are staying so that you know there is an END or they will be there forever = not good.
If they cannot respect your husband, they will have to find a place to go and live out on their own. I know throwing out one's parents isn't seen as a good thing but consequences are consequences and they have to learn. As for your brother not picking up after himself he can find somewhere else to live. You are not running a hotel just providing a place to stay temporarily.
I wish you peace and happiness this holiday season. If they are the same after the holidays everybody out.
IF you don't take the bull by the horns and put down boundaries you will not have a marriage.
The other S.
Everyone needs to follow one simple rule immediately: BE NICE. Or leave.
There are too many needy adults living in your household to tolerate any unkind remarks. It is more important now to be tolerant and patient and mindful of one's manners with your incredibly understanding husband who is sharing his castle with so many others.
It's easy with family members to let certain behaviors build up over time. And then you all end up exactly where you all are, disgruntled and acting in passive-aggressive ways towards one another. But the disrespect has got to end immediately in order for this living condition to continue. And your mom has got to know that she can never call him names again. I hope this was a momentary lapse of judgement due to the stressors in their own lives. I cannot even imagine being homeless and jobless at her stage in life and having to live with a daughter to make ends meet. That has got to be humiliating for her.
I recommend you sit down not just once, but weekly to have family pow-wows to help keep all the grievances down to a manageable level. You can google tips on sharing a residence with additional family members. I've done it for girlfriends who have the classic post college grad adult child move back home. There are lots of common sense rules to put into place.
But this is not going to be a meeting for your family to rant and complain about your husband. They should be doing the majority of the cleaning up and household project responsibilities. They should be doing it all in my opinion.
It is your house and they should respect your rules. Even if they have helped you out in the past, that is not a free pass to walk all over you.
Tell your brother that if he can't start cleaning up after himself, he will have to leave. None of you need his drama. Give him a deadline to get his act together or get out, and then stick to it. Your lives will be better for it.
Everyone is stressed. This is not a group of people showing their true colors, but a group of people showing their worst side. Give everyone a break, and realize this is not going to be a happy time. This is not the time when people band together and help each other out. This is the time for people on the edge to push their limits, and push you. Some people only feel okay about themselves if they bring you to their level. Then they feel like it is okay to be a certain way because you are too. What you're doing is admirable, but dont expect too much from them. they are stressed to near breaking like you. You're husband is standing his ground, and that's okay. You're Mom wants to be in charge of cleaning etc because that's what she's used to in her own house, and that's okay. Brother is a slouch, but if he's young, he simply hasn't had to step up yet, and that's okay.
Find a place and time to get away from them all. At home, or away, and just rejuvinate. Sit and think about all the good things in your life. Sit and be prideful for all you have and have to offer. Remember why you are here right now, in this house, married to that man; it's because you want to be, and you worked hard to get there, so see the bright side.
I regress, but nutrition plays a huge part in attitude. Remove all the sugar and coffee from the house. I bet you'll se an instant change in your brother. Provide nutritious snacks all the time, even if just a bowl of nuts.
Time to have a frank discussion w/ all involved. You're family which doesn't mean you always like or agree with each other but presumably you love each other and need to show mutual respect. You appreciate the help they have provided and they need to appreciate the help you are now providing. Your brother needs to be clean up after himself and keep his stuff picked up (it's in your living room that he is staying, not behind a closed bedroom door).
I agree with what other posters said- you AND your husband need to sit your family down and tell them that they need to start respecting you, your husband, and the way your choose to raise your children or they need to find another place to live. You can appreciate what they did for you but they don't get to hang that over your head.
Like someone else said- give your husband a hug and tell him how much you appreciate him.
Good luck to you.
You don't mention the reason your family is there or how long you expect them to stay. No matter why they are there, they do need to respect you, your husband and your household rules. And.. because they are your family, it's your job to inform them of that and stick to it!
Living with family is stressful under the best of circumstances. My husband and I lived with our daughter and her family for two years, while working out details of selling one house and purchasing another, paid as much per month for the two of us as your family is for four, helped around the house. I had a job to go to. My husband didn't have a job. So he watched their two girls while they went to work... no charge for babysitting. We slept on pallets on their living room floor and were just happy to have a place to stay. We all tried to respect each other and did a fairly good job of it. Even then there were a couple of times when we got on each other's nerves and had some difficulty, but we worked those out and are on great terms with them. If we had to join households again I'm sure we could do it and probably would get along better because we've seen how easy it is for the pitfalls to come.
I totally agree with those who have said your first allegiance is to your husband and whatever happens, you must stand by him. If he is wrong, in your opinion, on anything, be sure you deal with that privately with him. Do have a 'sit down' with your parents and siblings soon and let them know that they need to start behaving better, or you simply cannot continue helping them in this way.
People living together is extremely difficult, especially when you have respect issues. I think you need to call a house meeting and air your concerns. Nothing is going to change unless you do something to implement change. Your husband can only ignore being called names and disrepected in his own home for so long. You need to sit everyone down and explain to them that you feel disrespected in your own home. Acknowledge that you remember how much help your parents have given you, but also acknowledge that that doesn't entitle them to belittle your husband. perhaps he's watching tv while everyone's cleaning because the house is clean enough for his standards and he is under no obligation to live up to your parents' standards; it's HIS house. Insist that EVERYONE respect EVERYONE else. Tell your parents that, although they helped you out and didn't charge rent, your financial situation isn't the same and you really NEED for them to help out a little more. Also, your sister should be getting some unemployment - it wouldn't hurt for her to spring for a week of groceries once a month. As for your brother, I would tell him either start cleaning up after himself and pay some rent, or out he goes. No one gets to live for free - the world just isn't made that way. It is your house and your family needs to respect that. I know this is hard, but if you don't sit down and discuss things now, before long there will be a huge blow-out and no one will be able to discuss anything reasonably. Good luck!
