Family Mooches

We learned quickly to say no to loans. We made the mistake a few times and never saw the money again. So, we won't do it unless we know we have enough money to cover it forever. Just say no.

Um, just say no? If your husband can't do this then start keeping your money separate from his.

Sounds like the problem is that your husband gives in to his family - his brother and his children. For whatever reason, they were not raised to stand on their own two feet. If you are the one who says "no" then it's coming between you and your husband. They seem to have a sense of being entitled to things that are luxuries - but if your husband has no backbone or will power, you don't have a lot of choices.

So I'd say you can get some couples counseling to find out how to be on the same page, or you can separate your own finances from your husband's so he has very little money to lend. Put accounts in your name, don't let him have access, and so on. Understand that this will drive a bigger wedge between you, and you will wind up in counseling anyway.

You cannot change these other family members. You can only change your response to them. But the problem really isn't them (as frustrating as they are) - it's your husband and you not being on the same page.

Interesting first question.... Why are you giving them money? I mean you are here asking how to make it stop, no comes to mind.

Even when my kids were kids I would never have lent them a penny if they hadn't already paid me back. As adults they have never asked me for a penny, go figure.

They can't take advantage of you without your permission.
Stop bailing them out.
Stop enabling them.
They'll have to sink or swim on their own.
Learn to say 'No' and don't feel any guilt about saying it.

Just say "No, I'm sorry, we're unable to help you."

Because it's your husband's brother and your husband's kids from a past marriage, he has to be on board and willing to enforce any new rules about lending or giving away money.

I would start by having a heart-to-heart with him to figure out what both of you think is the appropriate amount of support.

If your husband, not you, is the one saying yes to their begging, then the issue really is him, isn't it? Not them but him.

He may feel guilty about his stepkids for whatever reason and may feel that he needs to "make up to them" for...whatever. He may have something in his past with his brother that makes him feel he needs to have bro's back. Those are possible explanations but they are not excuses.

Show him where the financial strain hits -- can you document it? Can you show that if you had had that $1,000 that you "loaned" brother Jimmy last month, you could have paid off bill X, but now you have to drag out that payment and it's going to cost you even more because now you owe interest on the payments? In other words, can you document where this is straining your finances? He may never see it if there are not actual numbers in front of him, and even then, he may refuse to see it.

If that's the case, you may have to accept that he isn't going to change regarding these three people and you need to have money you put aside somehow to protect your family's interests and ensure bills get paid.

I would try to get him into a financial counseling seminar, or even a one-time meeting with a financial planner (your bank can set you up with this for free because you are a customer! Take advantage of it!).

But depending on his relationships with these relatives -- something you know about and we don't -- you may find that he will interpret any resistance from you as a slam against his kids and his brother. Sad, but it could happen. It's a risk. Think hard about how you think he'll take it, and whether you can sway him with either specific numbers and examples, or with a third party advising him to stop the loans. If it were me I would absolutely avoid any language with him like "they need to get off their backsides" but would stick just to those examples of falling behind on bills or denying your own kids something they could have had if the cash had been on hand. I agree with you! These adults should not mooch. But if you approach it with him as an attack on their laziness (even if they ARE lazy), it will make him defensive and you may not get far. Good luck. What a frustrating thing!

Because this is your husband's brother and his children, it all falls to your husband to say No.

If your husband can't or won't, then you are out of luck and will have to make your own choices in regards to the future of your marriage.

Put your foot down and say NO MORE. Budget your money and put everything that isn't budgeted for bills and such into an "untouchable savings account." When asked for money, you can confidently state that it is already allocated and you cannot loan it out.

Just say no. As long as you continue to loan them money they will continue to ask. Your husband will need to say no, too.

You aren't under obligation to help anyone. Practice saying "I'm sorry but we're not able to help you right now' and repeat it as often as needed. If there are children involved and groceries are needed then buy a couple bags of things and drop off groceries. Rent, car payments, etc are all things that happen every single month and should be in their budget.

There's a huge difference between needs and wants and too often people don't see the difference. I feel bad if you can't feed your kids but I don't feel bad if you are having trouble paying your cable bill when you have 600 channels.

Well, since these 3 are your husband's family members, I think it's up to him to say NO.
Have you talked to him about it?
IME, "lending money to family members is not a good idea. Don't give them money expecting to get it back. Of you can't afford that, you shouldn't be giving it.
Will you husband agree to first cover all of your budgeted expenses before considering giving the money?
Christmas gift idea: Dave Ramsay Total Money Makeover books or classes!

K.,

I can hear the anger in your post, but here's what I am wondering:
If you expect the kids to give up their phone and cars, this effectively prevents them from attaining most jobs. I live in a city with wonderful transit, but just taking a moment to look at your local transit carrier, they only operate buses from 5a.m.-7pm, Monday through Friday. So you know that this would be prohibitive to finding work, right? No one wants an employee who will only work banker's hours and never on weekends.

As others have said, this is between you and your husband. Addressing it with thoes who depend up on him isn't going to help a whit-- they need to hear any tough love from him. Approaching them directly only makes you look like the bad guy.

You received plenty of good advice, so I won't offer much more but to say this: I had it rough as a young adult as well and I hope that when the time comes for our son to age up and move out, become his own person--honestly, I would love for it to be a bit easier than it was for me. You should know that this is part of what your husband may be trying to do. It's not right that your finances are impacted, but some parents aren't ready to stop taking care of their kids just because they are of a certain age. Couples counseling may be the next step, because you both sounds like you need to move toward the middle of your very extreme poles in this matter.

Give only what you want and can afford to lose. If they ask for loans they do not repay, remind them that you have already given $$. Also, consider if it's a money thing or a "I want to take care of my kids because I feel guilty" thing. Sometimes people give money because they feel badly about a divorce. If your DH wants to be generous, you and he might need to sit down with the budget and say, "Okay, but you have to put aside $20 a week for this generosity - only AFTER you have done the same for our household (so you can do a vacation or whatever) and ALL of our bills are paid. Kind of think of it like his bad hobby. If my DH gives his daughter money, but my and our DD's needs are met, and it doesn't take food off my table, then I kind of look at it as his business. (He's also better than your DH about getting money back.)

If it is your DH handing out the money, then you and DH need to discuss why and also discuss things like how to really help, vs putting out a financial bandaid. Does he want to be liked or does he really want them to do better?

Oh boy. This is on your husband. You and he must know what your limits are and you must be on the same page about them. No dollars, or x dollars, you should agree ahead of time what you will (or will not) spend on family and then stick to it. If hubby won't stand firm with family then your problem is not the moochers.

Tough love - learn to say no. They will be mad for a while, but they will get over it. If they don't, it wasn't much of a relationship anyway. If you quit giving, they WILL figure out way to get/keep what they need/want. Right now, you are the easy answer to their problems. And since you always say yes, there is no downside to asking. Start saying no. They will figure it out.

you know the answer to this, right?
it's really quite simple.
khairete
S.

What does your husband say? I would put my foot down and say no to my husband first. I have no problem telling moochers no.

I feel your pain. As a wife, this pissed me off at one point. My husband has 5 brothers and there were 2-3 who because of their bad choices in life always needed money and my husband would repeatedly help them out. Decades later he finally realized that he wasn't helping them, only enabling them. They always came to him because he would give in some how. He finally stopped. He was the solution to their every problem. It was almost as if he couldn't say "no." Helping someone every blue moon is not bad, but when it he requests are repeated and ongoing - saying no and sticking to it is the best thing. The beggars will move on to their next victim. You and your husband are not responsible for these people. They need to learn how to resolve their own problems, but if your husband keeps giving them money - they will never learn. Why does he keep helping them out? You should ask him. He may not really realize the extent of his enabling because it is so second nature.

Sounds like you and hubby have basic differences in some important ideals.

Truth is there isn't anything YOU can do. It's hubby's job to say no so if he was raised to help his family and share his blessings then he's not ever going to stop.

My sister's husband was raised to help other members of the family, to share what he'd worked for, and to give tithes to his church and on top of that offerings as he's felt led to donate to.

My sister, on the other hand, wants to keep tons of money in the bank or she doesn't feel secure and safe. She belittles him and tells him he gives all his money away and he can't have any of hers.

Their biggest issue in a really good relationship is their spending. She is mad at how he spends his money and she makes her own money with her Etsy business. They do very well too, he's an engineer and works in a highly paid job. Their house payment is about $1000 per month and the utilities are about $500 per month. Again, they're not bad.

She hates his kids because he helps them out. If they ask him to pay their car insurance while they're out of work he'll pay it. It's not long term of course but just for a few months. Then they find another job and are back on their feet.

As we know no one has job security right now due to our lousy economy so lots of people are finding themselves out of a job. His kids are adults and they do okay 90% of the time but my sister only sees the worst case scenario.