Father and Step-mother Dealing with Questionably "Responsible" Mother.

The children's father needs to step up and take a stand. He is the responsible biological parent and you two have been raising these children.

I agree with Sara's advice. You have a safety issue that is at hand now. The mother doesn't need to ask for permission for things, but she needs to be truthful. You have a right to know where your children are at and who they are with. She shouldn't be lying about it.

If the mother can't be bothered for a visit as she has promised, it is not your responsible to go out of your way to arrange for this to happen. Your kids are old enough to know what is going on and to understand it.

I am also a custiodial step-mother. It is hard, I know, but trust that you are doing a good job and some day they will thank you for it.

Best of luck to you.

I think that if she is not a responsible mother then you had every right to ask about the children where abouts. I honestly think that the children should understand that they mother is not stable enough to have control over them. So if I was the parent here I would not let my child visit a drunk. That is just my opinion. Good luck! And it sound that you both are doing a good job, so keep up the good work...

Hi K.,

I agree with a few of the other posts that you do not need to go out of your way to encourage the relationship between the kids and their mother. She can and should be responsible for the relationship she has with her kids. The children are old enough to be explained the why's of the situation.

Good luck! I know it's tough being a step-parent - but you are showing that you are a loving and involved one, keep up the good work!

C.

This is a safety issue at this point. Do NOT go out of your way anymore to promote the relationship. You need to keep the children safe. If the Mom decides to make substantial changes in her lifestyle and put her children first, re-evaluate the situation at that point. Explain to your step-children that it's their mom's responsibility to arrange and follow through with visitation (they are old enough to understand this). I used to "cover" for my 11 year olds dad when he pulled no shows or made up visitation stories. She started to catch on at 10 years. Don't say anything negative about the Mom but just let them know you are doing what you need to do to keep them safe. If the Mom makes no efforts to see the children on her own accord then it's her loss. Your step children will respect you in the long run for this. It's not your responsibilty to arrange these visits or transportation for visits. Put the responsibilty back on Mom.
Good luck to you and you are doing the right thing! Don't doubt yourself because you are the Step Mom. You know in your heart what is right for these children that have lived with you for 3 years.
Good luck!!!

S.

Is custody of the children something set up by the court or is it something your family has arranged with the mother without involvement of the judicial system?
If this is just an arrangement between families than you might consider taking some official legal action.
If you deem her so irresponsible to be a danger to her own children you can make a plea, through the judicial system, to have her evaluated and be forced to relinquish any legal ties to the children.
RPocai

Hi K.,
First of all if you and your husband aren't asking for child support then she has no rights. If she isn't paying then she doesn't have to see them. If this woman's wreckless behavior is too much for the kids then stop her from seeing them. If this woman makes empty promises then don't let her make any promises. I was a child of a wreckless mom myself. My mom was involved with men and drugs. She made empty promises to me all the time. She didn't even raise me. Another family member did and I have more respect for them because they took me away from all her trouble. I didn't like the fact that my mom wasn't the mom she should be. Once I was kept away from her I was spared all the heartbreak. As I grew up I made myself a promise that I would never be like my mother. I am still embarassed til this day that my mom was a party animal and not a mom to me. Cut the communication off between the kids and the mother. They don't need her lies. If she wants to put up a fight then let her and show the appropriate authorities that she isn't a fit mother. No one in their right mind will let that woman have her kids again. You are doing a good job with them and thats all that matters. You may not be the biological mother but you are a real mother to them and stick with that.

To be honest... being a single mother of 3 myself and dealing with possession schedules and my exes (2 fathers), you have no real right to ask her the details of what she does with the kids during her possession period IF it is not harming the children.

With custody issues, it seems to really be a battle of "control" of the children. Control on whether or not to allow the children to do this and that... control on whether or not the other parent should be able to do this and that around/with the kids.

When I was going through my custody battle for my son (whom was a baby at the time) his father wanted to start him on baby foods which I was opposed. I told my attorney and she informed his attorney and requested that my son's father do not change any regimen, schedule, etc. while in possession of the baby. However, I was told that even though my attorney and his attorney agreed that this was not an unreasonable request, my son's father was actually in his right to do so if he wanted, because what he did during his possession period, as long as it was not harmful to my son, was his right.

You can not question on who watches the kids, as long as they are a competent adult. You can not question on what she does while with them, as long as it's not harmful. She is in her legal right to do what she wants to do with the kids while in her possession as long as she doesn't put the children in harms way.

I know it's tough to let go of the control over a situation, but if she is a fit mother and is competent enough to make decisions regarding the welfare of the kids while in her possession, then you'll need to let it go...

Pick your battles...