Should I Get Remarried Just to Help Win Custody Case?

Oh god, get a grip. I am in a male dominated field and I am not discriminated against in any way. Well there is this one women.

I got full custody of my kids without marrying someone, oddly the court thought it was best for my kids. It has nothing to do with married or single, it has to do with what the court believes is best for the kids. In spite of your excuses it appears the court does not believe full custody for you is in the best interest of the kids.

So to answer your question, no, don't get married just to get custody of your kids because it won't work. Judges aren't that stupid

Oh and because I am feeling petty, that red line under words means you spelled them wrong

I think you have a huge problem.
It's not the courts.
It's not the judge.
It is not marriage.
It's not discrimination.
It's not your ex.
It's not his wife.

It is you.

That you are willing to deceive family, a judge, your ex's family and your children speaks volumes of your maturity and ability, or lack of, to put your children's needs first.

I strongly suggest you seek legal counsel and a therapist.

What the hell? You would legally bind someone to you in order to manipulate a court system?

Do you care for anyone but yourself? This is awful.

YOU DO realize that is mentally weird and a horrible example to set for your kids? You are beyond petty. You would be willing to entangle someone else in your drama? What if he falls in love and wants to marry someone? How selfish are you?

Good heavens, go see a counselor. Sounds like your children are with the more stable household. This is just nuts. You sound like someone who just walked off the Maury stage. Grow up! Put your kids first, not your ego.

I think that the fact that your ex and his wife have full custody was probably something that you should have mentioned in your last post.

Your posts are a bit... troubling. Judges don't award full custody simply because one of the parents is married. Your kids don't like being around their step-mother is because you've lied to them and told them that she's the reason that they aren't with you. Of course they want their dad to divorce her! They naively believe-- because of what you've told them so-- that if he gets divorced they can be with you again. But that's simply not true.

The bickering and fighting that they witness between their father and stepmother? That's happening because of you also! You've openly admitted that you've gone so far as to tell her that your ex will leave her also. How did you think she'd react? I couldn't understand before why you were meddling in their relationship so much. Now I understand its because you WANT their relationship to fail because you think it will benefit you.

They have full custody of your children. She's not babysitting them. She's parenting them. Even divorced parents travel for work sometimes, and leaving them in her care is no different than leaving them with a grandparent or aunt. Or even with a paid babysitter.

You had time to compose these messages and paint yourself in the best possible light. And, to be quite honest, you're coming across as being a bit unstable. I can't imagine what you're like when you have to act on the spur of the moment.

You need to take some time and find a good counselor that can help you work through your anxiety and anger issues. Try to take the high road and figure out how you can help them by supporting their stepmother and your ex.

And to answer your previous question, my answer would be exactly the same if it was you who had full custody and your ex was the one contemplating a fake marriage.

So many of us wrote involved responses to your last question about the problem with weekends at your ex's house vs. at your house. I went out for a few hours, checked back in with Mamapedia, and suddenly your ex and his wife have full custody? What happened here?

There is a whole ton of info that you have left out, clearly, because your 2 posts on this subject don't agree.

Courts don't give full custody to an absentee married father and take them away from their single mother. Is there discrimination around? Sure - women don't make as much as men, aren't seen as competent in certain jobs, and so on. But actually, if there's bias in the courts, it's the other way around - good and decent fathers can't get reasonable visitation because the presumption is that the mother is the "more natural" parent. So you either are leaving out some major details and background, or you had the world's most incompetent attorney and should seek better legal counsel.

Why you think that having a fake marriage to a friend (who is the victim of far more discrimination than you are, since he is a) gay and b) from a very conservative and unaccepting family) is a good idea is beyond me. What you plan to say to your kids about (I presume) lying to their father & stepmother and the judge about a "new stepfather" who lives in another state is also beyond me. You want to teach them to lie to manipulate the system?

And frankly, this whole thing makes me question your judgment in the parenting department. So far, you blame your ex (this post and the last one), you blame his wife (for not understanding what a terrible person he is, in the last post), you work in a male-dominated field (almost everyone does) that still pays you a great living and gives you all kinds of mini-vacations at supposed business trips (per your last post), and you're thinking of quitting a job so you have no income. That's not going to show that you have any responsibility at all.

So, nothing is your responsibility. Everything is everyone else's fault. That's not gonna fly in a court, my friend.

Please get counseling to work on your anger and help develop a better plan for the immediate and more distant future. Your kids deserve a stable and happy mom.

You need therapy. You need to become self aware. Please find a good therapist asap.

I have the feeling there is much more to this story. To claim your ex-husband got full custody after being an absentee father for 10 yrs makes no sense. I suspect you are leaving a lot out. Also, to consider quitting a job you love to get full custody makes no sense. How will you support yourself and the kids with no job? And seriously, you think marriage to a gay man that lives out of state is the answer. I think you need to get real with yourself and not blame society for discriminating against you because of your gender or your field of work. Then be honest here and perhaps you will get helpful responses to your post.

Wow. This is messed up.

I read this last night but didn't have a chance to respond before you deleted the question.

It's clear you want your children back. I have mine with me (still married) so I can't pretend to know how desperate I would feel wanting them back. Your post(s) sound very desperate.

However, they also sound irrational. You don't say how this situation all came about. I have friends who are single moms, whose exes have remarried, and they still have the children. I even have a friend who is a step mom, the mom has some mental health issues, but they split the kids 50/50.

They usually do what's best for the children - so without knowing what the deal was to lead to your crisis (I'm assuming this is a crisis for you, where you're considering such wild actions like quitting your job or marrying a gay man) it's hard to offer advice.

I would agree though that you could benefit from therapy. A rational, separate individual who can help sort out the things that are under your control (your attitude, your decisions, etc.) and those that are not. Blaming everyone else and society as a whole for your predicament means you've given up control. You can't change society or get your whole field to be less discriminatory. You can change how you deal with life. Therapy can be invaluable.

When we become a 'victim' of the system or in general, we are saying we have no say. That's a terrible message to send to your kids. I think you want the message to be to value truth, integrity, love, and acceptance - and so far, you're suggesting marrying a gay man, hoping to tear their dad's marriage apart ...

Hopefully you'll take away some good bits of advice from the moms here. You sound very hurt and bitter. That's not a good place to make decisions from. Lies, etc. only create drama. You don't want to raise your children with drama. Hurt people hurt people. So help yourself first. Heal the hurt. Really, that's where you should start. If you were my friend, I'd suggest the same thing. Then you'll be in a better place to decide what to do going forward.

So first you ask how to tell stepmother that she should not be allowed to watch the kids when their father travels during his visitation time, and now he has full custody because everyone is discriminating against you? I am confused.

You really need to learn how to work with your ex to be an effective co-parent while encouraging your children to develop a healthy relationship with their stepmother, stepbrother, and soon to be half sibling. You are putting them in the middle of something ugly and they will be the ones to suffer for it. Please take a step back and look at the entire situation from the point of view of "this is what is best for my children", not from a place of wanting to punish him or his new wife. He is their father and he is entitled to equal time with them, even if some of that time is spent with them bonding with their new stepmother rather than with dad. You are still their mother, they will not forget that even if they learn to love her as well, a child really can never have too many people that love and support them.

As for whether or not you should get married, a fake marriage is not going to fix any of this, learning to communicate and work effetely with your ex will. Best of luck.

Please get some therapy. You need help beyond what we can provide here.

The answer to almost every question that begins with "should I get married just because" is NO.

Think about this. You'd create a sham marriage. You'd deceive the court. You'd deceive and mislead your children. You would be creating a facade. It would be a lie.

I agree - what aren't you telling us? A stable, happy home is what you said you provided for your children. Then their father who was gone for years marries someone, and the children are uprooted and custody is reversed.

Now, unless your ex and his new wife have a billion dollar and hour celebrity attorney, or unless they lied in court, there's more to this.

It is possible, of course, that things happened exactly as you say. Of course there have been instances where a great miscarriage of justice occurs, but it's rare.

You say you're in a male dominated career field, and you're extremely competent and successful at your job, and you love it. No honest judge would say "oh, you're a (something that is traditionally done by almost exclusively males), so you can't be a mom." Stop using that as a crutch. Evaluate: how frequent was your travel? Who watched the kids during the day, or when you traveled? How were the kids doing in school? Did you have boyfriends over all the time? Did you spend every evening out at business dinners while leaving your kids with a nanny or babysitter? Who attended parent-teacher conferences? Forget this discrimination baloney.

You seem very focused on socio-economic class, sexuality, male-dominated careers, female discrimination. Focus on other qualities that children need from their mother.

So, what's going to happen when your children actually find out that the guy is gay? When your ex finds out that your husband is gay?

You fussed all over the place in your other post about your ex travelling for work. So it's different if it's YOU traveling for work?

Doing "anything" to get your kids back fulltime sounds like a vendetta, rather than love for your kids.

Something is really wrong here, and the reality check that is needed is with you. Get a counselor and try to get your head figured out. All you have here is anger and venom. Yes, women are discriminated against, but sometimes the person who only sees discrimination is a real "tool" and people don't like them. It doesn't matter whether they are men OR women, and they will not do well in their careers or relationships if they don't work well with others.

From your last question, I thought you and your ex had joint physical custody and based my answer on it. If your ex has primary custody, my previous advice not-applicable.

You didn't lose primary custody because you're not married. Suddenly getting married with no previous plans to have done so will make you look bonkers. Mature, emotionally stable, and responsible people don't do that. With kids involved, it is an extra red-flag. You need to understand that your thinking on this is not rational. It's also dishonest.

Whatever the real reason(s) for your loss of shared or primary custody, you need to fix those issues first. You might not want to admit them because it will probably mean admitting your own culpability, but if you want your kids it is what you have to do.

Getting remarried couldn't possibly allow you to "win" your children back. Clearly there is a huge backstory that you are not sharing. No Judge allows an absentee father for years show up married and then awards this same person full custody. Nope, not happening.

Figure out why your extremely absentee ex husband was awarded custody and solve that problem (and I can promise it wasn't because he was married) and my guess is that you could possibly gain 50/50 custody.

You don't get to ultimately decide all by yourself that you are the more fit parent. Clearly your feelings/hatred for your ex is clouding your judgment.

Seek counseling for yourself and then examine your options.

Good luck!

P.S. your ex arguing with his wife and/or stepson doesn't make his home unfit - pretty common for married couples to have disagreements and teenagers can also be pretty argumentative. In fact, his house sounds pretty normal.

The problem isn't your ex and his wife, the problem is you. I'm not sure what happened to change custody but it wasn't because your ex got married.

You thinking that getting married to a gay guy is the answer is troublesome and thus explains why you lost custody.

I'm sure you are just a delight to deal with. I am suddenly feeling sorry for the stepmother.

No, do not get remarried. A sham marriage is never a good idea. You seem all over the place and come off as bitter, jealous, petty, childish, and immature. Do you want your children and the courts to see this? Does this attitude show at work? How is quitting a job that affords you an upper middle class lifestyle going to help you get your kids??? Having no job is going to hurt you. Quitting because your paranoid of discrimination is ridiculous. You have the job and you are making the money. Quit the pity party and do your work so you can keep your job and get your head back in the game! As for your other post, butt out! You need to focus on your shortcomings right now before you become completely unraveled and lose what time you do have with your kids. You can see all of us here are pretty much telling you to SNAP OUT OF IT before you lose everything! Do not drag an innocent man and his family into this mess just so you can can run to a judge and say "look at me, see what I can do." None of this is going to help you get your children back.

Absolutely NOT! if you are going to get married, do it because you are in love and cannot live your own personal life without that person, also knowing that he/she will be wonderful with the kids. Just getting married to win a case is what looks bonkers, but if there is a history with the spouse and the child/children, then all power to you. However, you should not get married as an excuse to win a custody battle. I myself am dealing with a custody battle, have been with my boyfriend for over a year (struggles of course) and taking care of his child in the process has made it complicated, but I have never once thought about getting married to win it especially since my daughters father is on his second girlfriend since it started and I know she isn't going to work out for him just like that last one that he told me was(crazy and bipolar) after I met her and fell in love with the idea of her around my daughter. So no I do not believe that it is a smart to marry for this case. YOU yourself can show that you are strong enough to do this. With or without being married you are the child's parent. THAT is what should matter. Find a way to empower yourself. That may be singularly or as a partner. However it works out for you is your choice alone. I know you can do this. if I can, You can too! :) Great Luck!!

no. you should only get married for love and to ensure that your are able to love and share the rest of your life with the person you marry.
doing it for a custody case? thats guaranteed future divorce.

Stop asking these type questions to the whole group. Find a few gentle-but knowledgeable moms here and send them a PM. Once you put your true dilemmas out here, you open yourself up to wrath.

Another option is to ask your own circle who knows you and your dilemma. Good luck.