Father Attitude - Expecting More, Giving Less

Updated on January 23, 2010
L.M. asks from Monterey Park, CA
10 answers

Pregnancy is suppose to be joyous and a bonding time for a couple, but as we know this is not always the case.

A friend who is 16 months along (and has a 7 year old son from a previous marriage who she takes care of full time) is also a full-time night shift nurse (that is about 14 hours of wake/work time) is going through some frustrating time and would like anyone who has gone through this to share any insights.

She is engaged to a man whose connection with his family is fair at best (no real parent role models), expects her to work more and if not working, asks her to clean up the place or cook or do something other than "being home" with his child she is carrying.

We don't think he understands what it is like to be pregnant. He plans vacations (days to week long vacations) for both of them not accounting for her 7 yr old son's school and activities. Perhaps clueless to what fatherhood entails or perhaps on purpose to get rid of some bachelor lifestyle before marrying?

I have told her to talk to him about his priorities and thoughts/fears of fatherhood because I suspect he is acting out of fear and stress since this will be his first kid and marriage. She feels he is being insensitive but wonders if it is really HER being unappreciative of his efforts (planning vacations) and her surging hormones that are causing his possible stress?

We all want to be treated well when pregnant and it hurts to be expected to do more when working, taking care of another child, and carrying a life is not enough. She wanted me to ask for her since she does not check internet much at all.

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So What Happened?

THank u all for wonderful advice and experiences that I fwd'd to her. At least she can see she is not alone as well as the advice given are all basically the same and she has to do what is necessary to have a healthy relationship. They are working on it and he gets it. He is really a sweet and caring guy, just a clueless one that needs lot of reinforcement. They both go to her OB appts together and found it is a girl so they are thrilled and doing well. THank u all so much again!

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A.Z.

answers from Los Angeles on

Just reread and saw a lot of typos - please excuse as I have major pg brain!

I agree with the poster that said the situation was unclear - from what you've written, this sounds like a communication problem, not a sensitivity/hormonal problem. Has she communicated to him that with children you need to do xxx? Does he go with her to her Ob appts? My OB will always mention something about how I should not be exerting myself, how massages are very helpful (not saying the husband listens, lol, but still, it sounds like this fiance is just clueless). Does she get and share the pregnancy updates by email - those are also good at addressing these types of pregnancy concerns. As for her son and his schedule, we have a 2,5 year old so I don't even think it's a matter of being a father vs. not - my husband would have no clue when she enters school that we have to plan around things. That's something that I'd definitely have to drill in. Drill in, while at the same time being overly appreciative of his efforts (because men are like puppies and really just need praise).

Now, if communication is not truly the issue (i.e. she's communciating all these things well), then it sounds like maybe they should try counseling. Regardless of the issue, I hope she plans to resolve it before actually marrying him.

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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

It's hard to tell from your post how your friend is communicating with her fiance. A lot of times women just expect their man to know and understand things and get upset when they don't. This drives men crazy. She needs to COMMUNICATE with him. Let him know what she wants and why. Let him know what she expects of him. If he's nervous and isn't sure how to be a parent then that is exactly what he needs. If he's really just a jerk then, sadly, I'm not sure there's anything she can do to change him (depends on his age somewhat).

He doesn't understand what being pregnant is like? Well, why would he? TELL HIM. He's clueless as to what parenthood entails? TELL HIM.

I know this can be very difficult for some women to do (they get offended by the idea that a man shouldn't have to read their minds) but getting past that is one of the best things you can do for a relationship. Men want to know what women want. When women make that clear, then everybody tends to be happier.

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M.D.

answers from Eau Claire on

I think that your advice to your friend is very sound (see your second-to-the-last paragraph). Until she talks to him, there is no way to truly speculate why he is acting the way he is. In my own experience (my husband's actions during my own pregnancy and then raising our son), men don't fully understand what it is like to be pregnant, and I had to sit down multiple times with my sweetie and explain, time and again, how tired I was, how I felt sick, how my hormones were hijacking me and taking me for a ride, etc., but it took a while for it to set it. What also helped (along with these talks) was a couple easy-to-read pregnancy books/magazines. They have them at the doctor's office, "How your baby is growing" kind of thing, with photos and pictures and week-by-week updates on how your baby is developing and how it affects the mother. For a man who likes to be in control, this helped a lot, because he then felt like he knew what was going on.

Her fiancé could be acting out of stress. He could be trying to plan nice vacations for her because he is trying to be supportive and do something nice for her. He could be not ready (more likely he just THINKS he's not ready). Whatever is the case, they do need to talk, and yes, she should keep her hormones in mind. Hormones can take an innocent comment of his that she normally would understand and blow it up into something horrible and mean and insensitive. She also needs to keep in mind that he is a man, and thus has no way of fully comprehending what she is going through unless she explains it to him, over and over again. Think of it as teaching him about a different culture (which is actually exactly what you're doing).

A good tip for her: if he says something that seems insensitive, BEFORE SHE REACTS TO IT, have her say this: "Okay, this is what you said, and this is what I heard and how I understood it. Is that what you meant?" He should do the same. It's the whole "Mars vs. Venus" translation trick. Half the time, how one person understands a comment and what the other person actually meant are two completely different things.

You would be amazed how well this works. My husband and I understand each other much better now, because we learned to do this when I was pregnant, and it saved us from many a fight.

Obviously things need to be done around the house, but when you are pregnant there is only so much you can get done, and you don't need someone constantly pointing out what work you need to do. Repeated explanations and her standing her ground (without blowing up in a hormonal freak-out; a lesson hard-learned by me) are probably what is needed. He is a man going from the single life with no responsibility but to himself, to suddenly becoming a married man and the father of not just a new baby, but a seven-year-old who is probably going through some adjustment to the new man in their life. This is a HUGE change. Expect some crazy moods from him as he adjusts to his new life.

My brother was in a similar position a few years ago. Bachelor, college, independent, and within four months he met a girl, asked her to marry him, two weeks later found out they were expecting, two months later they were married, and then he had a mortgage, a wife, a brand new baby, in-laws who weren't crazy about him, and all of his plans for the next few years faded into the distance. He handled it okay, until two years later. They survived, but it was a rough couple of months, and you know what? All it was, was him feeling the effects of his life changing so dramatically, and feeling the weight of the responsibility of being the man-of-the-house, providing and protecting and caring and loving a wife and his son (with a second baby on the way). She reassured him that if he wanted to do some of the things he had planned on doing when he was single– like traveling, having one night a week to hang out with his friends– she was okay with it. So he went on a road trip to Colorado for a week (and actually came home a day early because he missed her so much), once a week he has an evening all to himself and his friends, and he loves her and his kids even more and I've never seen him happier.

Okay, this response ended up a lot longer that I had planned. Sorry. What it all boils down to is, they should talk. She needs to be patient, he needs to be understanding, and it might take a little for him to wrap his head around the huge change he's going through. It does not sound like he wants out or is reconsidering their relationship. He, as you said, did not have the best parental role-models, and so is struggling with what it means to be a husband and a father. Despite this he is there, working hard, planning vacations for her to relax (so he is trying, even if he is forgetting to make sure the vacations work with her schedule and her kid's school). Sometimes he may be insensitive (guys react to anything that isn't happiness the same way: they get angry, or over-controlling), but he is trying. It happens to the best of us.

On the flip side: if he does not change, after their talks and with premarital counseling (a must for anyone getting married; helps iron out a lot of potential problems), then she will need to make a very hard decision. While my brother's story worked out, I have a friend who married a guy who also acted in much the same manner as your friend's fiancé, and they have now been married for three years, and he has not worked a single day. They are expecting their second child, and through it all she has had to be the bread-winner, as well as come home and take care of the house. Not the kind of man I thought she should marry, but she did.

Talk. Communicate. Work it out. Have premarital counseling. I really, really pray things get better, and that your assessment of the situation is correct.

Hope everything works out, and I will pray for your friend!

God bless!
M.

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L.A.

answers from Dallas on

Yep premarital counseling... pronto! I unfortunately had a dear friend go through this as well and it never got better after she had kids. It got much much worse. She would even have to mow the lawn 9 months pregnant, she worked 2 jobs and also took care of all the kids and watched his family members kids too. She worked her butt off while he spent all the money on his junk.

Anyways, some men plain don't care, and others do, they just don't understand or are ignorant of how difficult being a mom and pregnancy while working can be. The counseling can help him open his eyes and it can help her be more assertive as well.

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I.G.

answers from Seattle on

Premarital counseling!
Him basically ignoring the existence of her older son when making plans is a huge red flag for me, this man is not interested in building a family!
Was the pregnancy planned? Were they planning to marry before she got pregnant? If she wants to get married to this guy, she should invest in counseling and if he is not willing to go, she should run from him as fast and as far as she can.

Good luck to your friend.

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V.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

She's HOW far along????? omg!!!! I'm going to presume that was a typo, but still, my hips are now aching!! lol anyway, communication, and lack thereof, need to be addressed. Nothing changes based on expectations. Sounds like this is an issue they should have discussed (or in greater length) before planning a family :( And unfortunately, you can't change someone - they can change themselves, but of course they have to want that change. Good luck to your friend. I know the pain, sort of. I worked 12 hours a day 6 days a week while pregnant with two teenagers at home to keep up with, by myself. There is nothing more meddlesome that getting off work to come home to work.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Don't marry him.
She is only "engaged" to him.... so its good it is NOT permanent yet.
Wow, he sounds like a real problem... and I don't mean that in a good way... it will only get worse?
If he's acting this way now... it won't magically get better after the baby is born, ya know. Nothing is magical about this.... and she is making "excuses" for his behavior or thinking it is "her" with the problem. Nope. That is a classic example of what a potential "jerk" does to a woman.... making "her" think it is her "fault" or that she is not doing enough....putting the "problem" onto the woman, then the woman begins to think it "is" her that is the problem and then the boyfriend/husband becomes more controlling, and so forth.

I really REALLY would reconsider things... is she truly happy too? And, he does not seem to be real compassionate or thoughtful or helpful. AND if he is not "nice" toward her WHILE she is pregnant... then that is like a real "test" of his character. Which at this time he is not winning.

They should BOTH attend counseling, first.
And if not... I still would NOT marry this man.
It will probably only get worse... in other ways.

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E.S.

answers from Kansas City on

I do agree they need to see a therapist and I also agree not responding to her son is a big red flag especially how inconsiderate he is towards her being pregnant and working. He is immature and obviously thinks a womans place is to cook clean and reproduce without complaint and after the kid is born to care for it too. Get help or get out is the biggest suggestion. Because it sounds like he does not grasp the reality of fatherhood probably from his own experience with his parents. I would also tell her she has to look to the welfare of her first born and if she really wants him to treat his own child the same way.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

The way a man relates to his own mother is a very good indicator of how he will respect and treat his wife.
I think this guy is gonna get his world rocked when this baby is born. He sounds selfish and immature. But now she's having his child and she will be tied to him in some way or another for a looooong time. She needs to decide now whether this is the kind of life she wants before they tie the knot. Really, she should have decided that before they made a baby....
I feel sorry for your friend. Sorry.

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D.M.

answers from Phoenix on

ITS NOT HER ITS HIM. hes being a jerk. he needs to realize that hes going to be a dad and start taking responsibilty!!! she needs to sit him down and tell him how shes feel. (men dont read mines nor are sensitive) if he wont listen, tell him to leave.
if he doesnt straighten up wait til after the kid comes. sometimes after having a kid and holding it yourself it will change a person. if he still wont change hes got problems and i wouldnt marry him sorry. im dealing with a bad marriage.

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