Fatherless Son

I am 25 with a 6 year old son thats father quit coming around when he met is fiance and two kids, one being my sons age. My son hated him and still resents him and the other kids. I think that if I was him, I would too. IT seemed like he went though a mild depression for a while. TO try and take his mind off of it, I signed him up for sports and requested that his coaches be men and then I talked to the coaches and explained the situation. THe coached, luckily, were cooperative and supportive and even spent one on one time with my son to teach him not only more about the sport but "guy" stuff. MY son loved it. It really worked. It seemed to really uplift him. THe next time my son talked to his dad, his dad was wanting to play ball with him and my son said that he only played ball with his coach since that is the one that had time for him. His father was speechless. I loved it too. LOL. But I NEVER said a negative thing about his dad. I was honest with my son, never lied, and now he is old enough, and perceptive enough that he has formed his own opinion with out any bias from me or anyone else. Good luck.

hi D.,

im a single mom. but.... my sons dad wants to be involved.as saftey issues right now i dont think i would ever let him around my baby again. i just want to let you know that you are doing the best you can. us single moms have to do both play in the dirt and love on them at the same time.

good luck hunni

Wow...what a mess. And the sad thing is that the most powerful role model is the same sex parent. Your son is missing his. He doesn't have a man to identify with and learn from. How involved is your youngest boy's dad? Since you're not with your youngest son's daddy on a full time basis, I don't know that I would ask him to father the older son. If he wants to, that would be fine. I grew up in a single parent home. My brother was the only boy in the house of girls. He had no father. Luckily, he made friends with other boys and got to know their dads. Just make sure if your son hangs out with other families, you know the parents well. Where kids get taken advantage of is a preditor knowing the child is from a split home and is without a father figure. They prey on that vulnerability and can harm the child. I like the other ideas posted of playing ball with him or taking him fishing. He may still complain that the other boys get to do stuff with their dads and you'll just have to say that they aren't as lucky to have a mom that wants to hang out with their son the way you want to hang out with him. Do you have male family members that would be willing to be a role model? You do the best you can with what you have. Don't parent out of guilt and give in to his every whim because you'll create a beast. Make sure that he knows that he is safe at home, he has boundries and support and love at home. It might benefit you to do some reading about moms in your situation. Stay strong.

i have a 10 year old so who's father opted to leave three years ago and does not call or anything but he sent pictures of Joes to new little brothers in a big fancy house and toys every where. joe asked why did he send that "to hurt him" i told him that his dad had remarried and had him two little brothers and never forget that regardless he has a mighty powerful mom who plays both roles... my advice get down in the dirt with him, go fishing, shoot i have played more baseball in the last three years that i ever did in school. none the less.... you son appreciates what his step dad is doing but he needs that reassurance that he has a father and anyone can be that but someone special is his daddy...... my son tells the lil' one your mommas baby but i am momma's little man.... tell him that... make him smile and go buy a football......good luck......

I am the mother of 2 sons and one daughter. The oldest was 13 when I split with their dad. We haven't seen nor heard from him in 4 years!! I am honest with my kids about everything. They know their dad has addiction problems (and many other problems!!!) but one thing that a parent should NEVER do is bad-mouth the other parent!! The child has to make their own decisions about that parent. All you can do is love them no matter what and support their decisions. Finding a male role model for your boys is very important. I was lucky and have a best friend who's husband was there for my children. The oldest boy even says this man is his best friend. Boys need a masculine influence. Even though me and my children can talk about anything, that doesn't mean they WANT to. Somethings boys just need a dad, mentor, friend, etc.... for!

I think that what you should do is tell your son. That he might not have his dad but he has a wonderful mom. Give him a picture of yourself and tell him you are his mom and his dad. Try and do things with him like play basketball and stuff tell him you could do what any man could do. Also tell the younger ones father if you are with him to try treating them both the same. Dont want one more than the other. If the older one says (your not my dad) Let him say But I can be if you want.

I can say I honestly feel your pain. My 10 yr old has never met his father and honestly hurts for him. It is so sad to know that I've done this to my son because I want to protect him. When I was pregnant with him his father told me to abort him but I wouldnt. He has never attempted to see him. When we were dating he was into drugs and cheated on me with a man. I decided his life choices were not what I wanted to subject my son to. I didnt think he was responsible or mature enuff to be trusted with my son. I was 20 when I made that choice. Now I am afraid all I did was cause my son undue pain. I wonder everyday if I should risk it and contact him for my sons sake. But I still worry his dangerous life choices may still be in play and will due more harm to my son than good. I wish u the best because I still dont know what to do. If you figure out the miracle cure to a boy without a fathers heartbreak let me know.

My little brother had the same issues, although they seemed a bit worse due to the fact that our father was come and go as he pleased. He would tell us that he'd be there to pick us up after school on his weekends and would rarely show. Once we had to drag my little brother inside at midnight because he kept insisting that "daddy said he'd be here, so he'll be here any minute!"
Things got better after we got him in to Boy Scouts and he had some reliable man influences....
you might try something like that or the big brother program... he might be resentful at first, but once he realizes that they are interested in him, he'll have a blast!
hope that helps
T.

Wow thats rough. My oldest had a different father that wasn't involved but my second son's dad basically raised him from a baby and treats him like his son. I didn't tell him until he was 8 and even now at 11 he still doesn't really grasp it entirely but occasionally asks questions or makes comments.

I would suggest first that you be sure to tell him that you love him often. He is old enough and is realizing that something is missing, let him know this isn't his fault and that he is still special and loved.

Be sure not to talk bad about his dad. Talk about all the other special people in his life that love him, friends of the family, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandma and grandpa, etc. Let him know that he still has special family that loves and cares for him.

If possible discuss this issue with the family and have a man take him occasionally for "guy time". Drop him off with the menfolk to watch football etc. If no family is nearby you could think about big brothers program or even cub scouting next year. Both are great programs and my kids love them.

Let him know too that being angry or confused about his father doesn't make it ok to be hurtful to your other son. I would try to minimize too much emphasizing of the other boys father.

Let them know that there are all different kinds of families. Some are just the dad and kids, some are just the mom and kids and some have two parents and kids. All these are ok and still loving and good for kids.

Just my two cents, especially since I only have a daughter, but from what I've seen with boys, no matter what age, they love to be the 'man'. You could pump him up with the fact that he's the man of the house and that his little brother looks up to him no matter whether he has his dad around or not. With him still being a kid, I'd be willing to bet it's not just the dad thing, but the making me important thing and some of the 'I'm not the baby anymore' still coming out. That may be way off, just a different perspective. You can't really do anything about the dad unfortunately but you can do something about making him feel more important, not that you don't of course, but just a little more when he feels discouraged. It helps to know that even though he's hurting, the only one that's really going to miss out is his father. Your boy's going to be just fine, this is just a bump in the road. Many single moms do it by themselves.

You are doing a great job!!! :p I don't know what that is like but my son has a different father from my girls but he doesn't know anything because my husband and I have been together since he was about one. All I can add is let him have other male role models. My dad, brother, cousin and all the other males that were family or friends helped me out a lot. If there is not that much support from other family or friends look into a big brother program for him. Just give your son all the love he needs and wants. Hope this helps...
Leti

As a woman who's mother left her at 18 months, my dad did the best thing, he never spoke a negative word about my mother. The opinion I formed about her was my own. Keep doing what you are doing, but do not utter a bad word about his father because he will then turn on you and you will be the enemy. My dad is my best friend, and I hope that you have the same relationship with your son. Just be there for him and treat him and his brother equally. Make sure that you have positive role models in your life (family and friends, neighbors, etc) and your son will grow to be a strong man. The one who praises and raises is the root of the family...you will always be his one true thing, and will always be there for him.
One other thing, make a special day, one day a week, or more, just you and him. Have him plan out an activity that he really wants to do, be it playing in the park (have a picnic too, with his favorite food), going to a movie, shopping for video games, whatever....it's his day with you and he's the one calling the shots (to a certain point of course ;) ). That way, he feels important, he's "your man".
Good luck D., keep us updated.

Hi D.
Have you ever thought about getting him into the Big Brothers program? I think that would be a great idea. What about friends of yours who have a husband, with boys your sons age. Would they be willing to include him in on their father/son activities? I have a similar situation with my 16 yr old son. So I can fully understand what you mean about your son taking things out on the other children.

I am looking towards to the same problem with my daughter. Her bioparent has never been around, hes never seen her, and we haven't heard from him since she was 5 months old, I called him on the phone. If you figure out a way to tell him, let me know. I like to be prepared.

Regardless of how much you love and protect your son, he will still miss not having a man around. My sister has two boys who's dads have NEVER been in their lives. It's hard for a woman to raise a man but it can be done, with SUPPORT. Please, Please, Please take the advice of some of the other moms and find your son a mentor. Either through his school or through Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I was a Big Sister through the organization and it not only made a world of difference in my little sister's life but it was very rewarding for me as well. I'm also a mentor through a Corporate Mentor program and that too is very rewarding. There are positive young men in your community who would LOVE to fill that void in your son's life and there are just things that a man can teach a boy that a woman can not. I know that's hard because you want to do EVERYTHING for your children but sometimes, you need support. Good luck to you.

D.,
I have a teenage son and a 16 month old, but the teenager has never seen or met his biological father either, he too had his own problems, and come to find out he has 3 other kids now. My teenager went through a spell where he was very resentful of the other kids in his class that did have their fathers, so what I did, was step up to the plate and did the things that fathers should do, cub scouts, just to name one, it was hard. but it made for some good memories, Just when you give something to the one that has their dad around, give something special from you to the other boy that doesn't, that will strengthen your bond with him, and make him feel important too. it is very hard to handle at times, and there are times your patience will be stretched way to thin, but just keep in mind, they don't understand why at this point, but when they get a little older you can explain to them that he may have been better off, and then when the time comes let him deciede what he wants. Because that time will come when he wants to find out about his biological father, and you will be faced with a delima regarding that. but have faith you will make the best choice. Don't ever 2nd guess your decissions. Because then you will begin to question what are you doing. good luck. and best wishes.

D.,

I am in the same boat with you i think. i got pregnant with my one year old and his dad left with in four weeks of me finding out I was pregnant. He told me to get rid of the fetus! i choose not too and told him to leave and he did. He tried to contact me when i was seven months pregnant and came to see me and he had not changed one bit! He left again and he knows what I was naming hima nd told me that name s**ked and he did not want that name. He told me "Doesn't the father have a sayso in his son's name?" I tole him right then that his father left seven months ago! i have not heard from him since I was seven months pregnant. I have been with my husband since i was four months pregnant and he is only Daddy Cole will ever have! i want to give Cole my husbands last name. right now he has my other three children's last name. At the time my last name was the same as thiers from my ex husband's name. so i wanted everyone one's to be the same so he would not think anything. My ex husband was okay with it. At the time of his birth Jeff and I were not married yet so I gave Cole the kids last name and now I wish I would have given him Jeff's last name my husband now. I did not put no one on the birth certificate. No one signed it. I feel for him when he gets older but at least Jeff has been there since birth. i would tell your husband to give him a pic of himself and tel your son that he is his daddy now just like his 3 year old brother. That way he does not feel left out

I am in the same boat... I am 34 and I have a 3 1/2 yr old son whose father is no longer around. I moved here about 6 months ago. I have read the responses to your question and will look into the boyscouts and big brother programs. Everyones responses have been very helpful.

Thank you.
M.
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