Feeling Disconnected from 2Nd Child, I Really Need Help

You're having difficulty feeling close to her because she reminds you of her father - that'a normal.
You're doing all the work of raising children and getting no help, and you want to do something fun just for you once in a while - also perfectly normal.
But if he doesn't want to be a dad, you can't very well let her live with him. On the other hand, If he wants 50% custody, spending half her time with the two people who each contributed half of her is not a bad idea.

You do need help. The reason isn't for you, though. It's for your daughter.

You mentioned that your husband didn't want to be a father. Does he want to be one now? Does he want 50/50 custody? Of just the younger daughter? What about your 5 year old who knows him as her daddy?

You both should go to counseling together to figure out how to be divorced parents. You should both care enough about these kids to realize how short-changed they are going to be with parents who are using them as pawns. If your ex really doesn't want kids, but is trying to gain a financial advantage by getting shared custody, then he's really just a turd. Your family members who say that a mother who loves her kids won't give her husband partial custody are just being rude. A father who loves his kids and wants to see them has a right to have partial custody.

I don't know what is in your husband's mind. You might not know either. All I know is that the children are the ones who count here. Yes, he's out on the town because he doesn't have custody of the kids. Get a babysitter and go out, Mom. You don't have to wallow in your divorce blues. Grandma or aunts can darn well spend some time with your kids so you can have a break if they live close by. If they refuse, stop talking to them. They have SOME NERVE to tell you that you have no business giving shared custody, and then refuse to watch your children. Hire a babysitter, for goodness sake, and go get some time away before you blow.

You DO at least understand that your younger child reminds you of the man you can't stand right now. At least you recognize it. Now, work HARD to love her because she deserves it. She is NOT your husband. She is a different person altogether. I cannot tell you how hard it is for people growing up to remember their mom saying "You're just like your dad" everytime they did something that their mom didn't like. I know people who have lived with this. It's a real personal FAILING on the parent's part for treating their child like this.

If you need a professional to work through this with you and help you with discipline that works with your child, find it.

Good luck,
Dawn

Not sure why you're fighting over custody when you say he didn't want to be a father anymore, he just wanted to party. Why is he fighting for custody? Because his family told him to do it? I'm not trying to be harsh, but it makes me sad to think of a child with 2 parents fighting for custody, but neither one really wants it because they both want to party. I remember when I was a child and both my parents were really into living their lives,having relationships, and going out at night after their divorce. I didn't feel secure and loved. I still remember those times vividly. My parents weren't bad people, they were just self absorbed at the time. I'm sure you're a good person, but think of the big picture. Get a babysitter and go out once in a while, but don't "go crazy". You're just acting out of revenge because of what your husband did. Partying isn't going to punish him it's going to punish your child. Talk to a good friend about your stress and frustration, explain to your family you need help or a break once in awhile. Good luck. I'm sure you're just adjusting to a stressful time in your life. Better days are ahead.

I think you should see a counselor, and I do mean that kindly. I think this could turn into resentment of your own child, very easily. Not only is that cruel to your child, it's unfair to yourself.

You've received some good advice. Seek professional help, you're under a lot of stress. Perhaps you are depressed or anxious and can benefit from medication and/or therapy. There's nothing wrong with seeking help, your 3 year old needs her mommy to not resent her for what her daddy has done, it's certainly not her fault.

Your Ex still doesn't want to be a parent. He is only seeking 50/50 custody to get out of child support, as you said.
So, he is still, not thinking of his daughter. Just himself.
And your 3 year old reminds you of, your Ex. So probably that is why you are distant from her. Because, your Ex decided that he didn't want to be a Dad or a Husband, as soon as your 3 year old was born. Hence, she just reminds you of something that caused all the problems you have.
Plus you see everyone else having fun, except you.
But your 5 year old, had nothing to do with your Ex or your divorce... because she is from a previous relationship.
But, all the things you do not like about your Ex, you are displacing onto your 3 year old. So you are estranged emotionally, from her. Because, SHE is the child, that you had with your Ex, and she is the child, that maybe indirectly, you hold for being responsible for your divorce.

Children can feel the vibes of their Mom, even if they cannot articulate it.
I know someone that grew up with a Mom that resented her, for whatever reason. The Mom was cold to her all the time. And she grew up, "hating" her Mom. And they were never close. And all her life, this woman tried to impress her Mom or to get love from her Mom, but she just got a cold shoulder. Its sad... things like this can really negatively affect an individual even when they are adults. And it can affect even their own personal relationships. Because, there is no closure.

So, deal with this within yourself and get Therapy to help you if you need it.
Because, if not, it will affect your daughter, and then it will affect both of you your entire life. It will not be loving. And a child needs that, from their Mom.

And, you already seem to resent and dislike, your 3 year old. She just reminds you of, him. And you favor... your 5 year old.
Your daughter is 3. She didn't ruin your marriage. Your Ex did.... he wanted to be single, again. And act like a child himself.

Your Ex... ruined the marriage. You really better know that.
Your 3 year old, is an innocent by product of a very selfish immature man. Your Ex.
But you are blaming your 3 year old for your current life.....

But sure, you have no one to count on, not even your family is willing to babysit for you. So, find someone you trust, to help you when you need to. Isn't there someone, a neighbor or friend you can ask for help? Or call your relatives or family to come and visit you.

she's three. a lot of what you're complaining about is typical 3 year old stuff - maybe your first wasn't like this but 3 year olds are very active and talkative.

but bottom line, she's your child. obviously you are projecting your feelings about her father onto her.

i'd suggest, writing this post is a great start, but i would really take some hardcore time to understand your feelings at this point. figure out and identify WHY you feel this way toward her. be honest. you are angry at her father and she reminds you of him constantly, so you're taking it out on her. once you really face that and admit it within yourself, you can tackle the problem. you LOVE your child. you gave birth to her. do you really want to be "that mom" that gives in to the difficulties by just throwing your hands up and giving her up? you're smarter than that. you're STRONGER than that. you can fix this within yourself. it's all about you- your feelings and YOUR perspective and YOUR priorities. so get new ones.

i'd start by making a very strong effort to spend one-on-one time with your 3 year old. anytime there is chaos in the household (does it get more unsettling than divorce?) there comes a time when you just physically, emotionally, and mentally can NOT do it all at once. something has to give. accept that. but in this instance i would say, your relationship with your daughter (-s) should take top priority. your 5 year old is great, you identify with her you have lots of things in common. let grandma or someone watch her for a day and really FOCUS on your 3 year old.

also i would be VERY careful how i interact with the two of them when together. it is obvious from your post that, even if you try to do it secretly, you prefer your older daughter - that is a very very dangerous path, because 10 to 1 your children know this. please for their sake (your oldest's AND your youngest's) make dang sure that does NOT continue. it won't do EITHER of them any good, and tons of harm.

love them BOTH, mama. it's in you. you just have to find it, grab a hold of it, and hang on for dear life.

your feelings are natural and normal. it doesn't mean they are right. an adult can see their flaws and works to fix them. you already know where you need to work on yourself. favoring your older child, and wanting to be the "party girl" when you have two children to take care of. so change it. you have that control you know? your wants are not necessarily top priority anymore. you know what's the right thing to do - and you can do it. hang in there. (i say all of this as kindly as possible - i don't think i'm saying anything you don't already know, right?)

It's normal you feel disconnected to the child who reminds you of your ex and who maybe you associate with the start of the stress. Just remember she needs you! You are her mommy and she can't help what personality God gave her. I recommend you see a good counselor to help remember how you are a good person who deserves happiness. That will help you be a good mom. Please don't push her away. You'll blink and she will be moved out at college and you'll miss her. You may be depressed and most women are with divorce and trying to care for children too with little help. Reach out for help if you may be over whelmed.
As for custody, do what's best for your child. Only your opinion and your baby's fathers opinion matters. Or maybe he could have your daughter Wednesdays and every other weekend. I don't know what's best for her but you do. Pray about it if you need answers. Whatever you choose make sure you tell her mommy and daddy love her and for now this is what you agreed is best.
Hire a sitter every other Saturday so you can go out and refresh your energy if you have the kids every weekend and all weekend.

Of course you're depressed and overwhelmed. I urge you to talk with your doctor about getting on an anti-depressant. Medication can help you feel less overwhelmed so that you can also feel more in control of your life.

And start with some counseling. You need help sorting out, understanding and dealing with your feelings. Your 3 yo needs you to accept her as she is. I suggest that a lot of how she's acting is based on her also feeling disconnected from you. Only you can make that connection and you need help in figuring out how to do that.

Your 3 yo is trying very hard to get your attention. Because she is stressed and knows on some level that you're not wanting her she's resorted to getting negative attention. She feels unloved, just as you do. Perhaps you could focus on the idea of loving her even tho she's a reminder of your husband. If she'll accept hugs, give her more hugs. Find ways to praise her. Purposely spend 15 minutes with her everyday focusing entirely on her. Get on the floor and play with her. Sit beside her and watch a TV program. Actually watch it. I suggest that by you paying more positive attention to her she'll cry less eventually.

After your SWH: Do her father's family dote on her? Are his parents good at parenting her? And if you do allow joint custody will they be her primary caretakers? It may be best to share custody if your daughter will be loved and cared for by his parents. Just something to think about. Share custody based on what's best for your daughter.

You sound like I do when I get depressed. I would talk to your doctor. Talk about whether or not you would like to go on some medication or whether or not you would like to see a therapist.

I think you should see a counselor, not because something's wrong with you, but because you almost wouldn't be normal if you WEREN'T a mixed bag of overwhelming and conflicting emotions right now.

Divorce is hard. I've been there. It was my choice. My ex was threatening and manipulative, I had well meaning people telling me I should do this or do that. It's a miracle my head didn't spin off.

Sometimes you just have to stop and give yourself a break. Find an objective third party who will listen to you and help you sort out your feelings. Talk to your doctor. I'm not ashamed to say that I needed some medication to help me through because my anxiety was manifesting itself in physical illness. The stress was making me sick and landed me in the hospital with shingles. I needed help being strong for my kids. I needed help keeping my head on straight.

I don't think you should make any fast or rash decisions regarding custody at this time if you feel you aren't thinking clearly. You don't need to worry about your mom or sister, you don't need to worry about what people will think of you. You need to think about what's best for you and your girls in the long run.

A good therapist can also help you to deal with your kids' emotions as you navigate all of this.

Maybe, subliminally, you are afraid to bond with your youngest because she is so much like her father. You mentioned that she has said she doesn't want you and to go away. Isn't that basically what her father did to you?
Maybe, subliminally, you're afraid she will not want you anymore either and without realizing it, you're trying to protect yourself somehow.

I'm no therapist, but I've seen my share and know some personally.

A good one really can help you make sense of things.

I wish you the best.

What kind of mom gives up her child 50% of the time to the child's father? A GOOD mother - one who puts the best interests of the child first. If your ex has decided he wants to share custody - do it. Your kids are not your mom's or your sister's - they should not be making this decision. And there is NOTHING in the world wrong with getting a babysitter occasionally. Are your kids in preschool or daycare? (you didn't say if your 5 is in kindergarten yet). If not - are you working? If not - you need to start looking for a job. While this likely seems overwhelming right now - working will give you adult time (any time without constant toddler talking can be a lifesaver) and add some balance to your life.

I bet your 5 year old had that period of constant talking too. But if you were at a better place in your life it probably just didn't seem so awful. It will get better. The kids are having as much trouble with this as you are - they just don't show it the same way. And although it is hard - you are the grown up and need to step up.

ETA - I just saw your SWH. I am going to assume that he takes the kids and drops them off so he can GO TO WORK. In the future you will be doing the same, so I would be hesitant to criticize. VERY few divorce parents who share custody spend ALL their custodial time with their kids. Primarily because they are WORKING to support them. Your girls getting to know their extended family is NOT a bad thing.