Divorce over Step Son and Husbands Ex Wife

My husband was in the military for years and years, and we went through a lot of deployments. Please don't make a decision to divorce during a deployment - it's a rough time for everyone.

Now, are you saying that even though your husband (this child's father) is away, the child visits you or stays with you? This poor kid must be feeling as overwhelmed as you.

Most military squadrons or battalions have a family ombudsman, or something like Navy Relief, or a chaplain, with whom you can discuss your feelings and frustrations, and who can help you. What you're thinking about (leaving the man you love, because of his child and ex) is really drastic. When troops deploy, there's usually contact info provided to the spouse or family for places to reach out for help. Please reach out to the help that is available.

You don't mention being the mother of your stepson's half-siblings. If there are no siblings then there is no reason your stepson needs to have visitation with you while his father is away long term.

If your husband is deployed, your stepson should stay with his mother for the duration. If his mom was asking, I'd suggest she ask the court for a modification called 'right of first refusal' which is for situations when the parent with visitation can't be with the kid for work or other reasons. The other parent gets first dibs on having the child vs another providing childcare. Unless there is some reason that she was legally deemed unfit, his mother should be the one making choices about school and haircuts.

I think you need to stop handling any custody stuff. If your husband threatens you with divorce, so be it. It shows his lack of character. Good men don't do stuff like that. You file and get out of his drama-mess. Loving someone is never enough to sustain a relationship. It requires a lot more than that to be healthy and good.

Doesn't it make sense that his mother have custody while his father is away with the military? It's not right of your husband to put you up to fighting for custody during this period when he isn't even even home and put you up to being in this battle as well. You should not have to be the person responsible for getting this child to school and cutting his hair and basically co-parenting with his mother. These issues are between his father and mother. And since father is away, mother should be the one handling the day-to-day. Is your husband trying to keep the child's mother from him out of spite? Not only is that unfair to your step son, it puts YOU in a terribly difficult position. I think you should tell your husband it's time to go back to court and amend arrangement to give his mom physical custody while he is deployed, and the back to a joint arrangement when he returns. If he insists you continue managing this very stressful situation, I would consider leaving, sorry.

Unless the mother has legally been found unfit then she should have her child while her husband is away serving his country. She has the legal right to have her child with her if they are not with that other parent.

I would simply step back and be done with this. Tell her to take you to court. Then tell the attorney that your husband has threatened divorce if you don't do what he wants but you need this attorney to represent you, only you. Then tell them to lose the case. Out of your hands if the attorney judge finds in the mother's favor.

Sounds like so much stress. It's not clear how long this has been going on (how old the child is, how long you've been married to his father, how long the visiting has been going on, etc.) but it's very unclear why you "fought for his part of custody" if he's deployed. I agree with those who posted below that deployment is such a difficult time - but imagine how stressful and confusing it is for a child whose father is away! I don't understand why this boy is not with his mother during his father's deployment - I could see a few visits with you but I don't see the value of him living with someone who is not his parent. His dad is away, and he's also separated from his mother? That can breed a lot of insecurity in a child, no matter how nice and nurturing the stepmother is.

It sounds like maybe you are saying your husband is making you the instrument of his battles with his ex. Is that the case? You cannot be in the middle of this! If he's away, I can see why a mother wouldn't want someone else making decisions about school! I can't believe the child isn't in school near his mother and under her supervision. Maybe she's disagreeable and unreasonable, but she's got an untenable court decision preventing her from making basic parenting decisions in the child's father's absence.

If your husband has put you up to this just to beat his ex at some game, then he's showing you who he really is. Pay attention to that! Figure out why you love someone who would do that, who would put his own need to win an argument over the emotional wellbeing of his son and his second wife, and even his ex wife. If she's a terrible parent and a danger to the child, that's something else again. But if you can't prove neglect, you're a pawn in this game. Trust your gut.

I am assuming you do not have your own children with this man.

You are the babysitter for this broken family unit. The mother, father and son are all using you.

He most likely wants you to keep the boy to avoid paying child support to his ex or the mother is unfit.

Since you both are bringing up divorce, I think it is something to consider.

Wow! It sounds like this is not what you signed up for when marrying your husband. It seems to me that the mother should have custody when your husband is away. So sad she actually doesn't want her child. No wonder he's difficult.

How old is he? My answer depends on how old your step son is. I am also hoping your husband didn't marry you so you could care for his son. This sounds like a really bad situation.

Things feel way harder during a deployment. How long does he have left? If you can tough it out I would wait until he is home and reintegrated before making any huge decisions about the relationship. Tricare will cover marriage counseling, they did for my husband and I and it saved us.

There is a lot of information missing.
How long have you been married?
How old is the child?
How often is your husband home?
Do you have other children?

If you could please update with this information we will be able to help you more.

Sorry you are having to go through this, but honestly none of this seems very fair to the child. I can see why he is acting out.

From your limited information, I think it's best to put your needs first and divorce your husband.

PLEASE get a divorce. Your husband doesn't care about you at all. Why would you love a man who doesn't have your back? Why would you love a man who puts all of this onto your shoulders and doesn't support you? Could it be that you love the man you wish that he WOULD be? He isn't that man...

His child will always be his child - and through the child, he will always have a connection to his ex.
It's kind of hard for your husband to have custody when he can't be around to enjoy it.
I'm not really sure how that works.
You are sort of left holding the bag.
The ex wants to fight with your husband - and he's not present to do so - and it must irritate the heck out of her.
Eventually the child will grow up and these issues won't be there anymore.
You need to decide what you can and can't live with.
Maybe you should see a counselor so they can help you figure it out.

If it were me ...

I'd just hand back over the stress you can't handle - that of fighting for custody of the child (?) and raising him. To me, I'd rather see the child with his mother when his father is deployed.

As for divorcing .. if your husband has dumped this on you and said "here, you deal with it" well then .. time for you to figure out what you want. Do you want to be with a man like that? Start thinking what you want your life to look like and how you want to feel - and see if your husband can respect that. If not, then .. there's your answer.