Feeling Empty Nest and the Kids Are 7 and 9 Yo

Right there with you, sister.

Mine are 20, 18, and 15.

I would WAAAY rather be nursing babies, wiping butts, and kissing booboos than teaching boys how to drive, negotiating with admissions counselors, and discussing human sexuality, and not in the ABSTRACT either, but in a very APPLIED way.

Still I am fascinated with the people they are becoming. It's exciting to look foward to the interesting adult life they are now embarking on. It's a relief to be learning to TRUST, to RELAX, I've done well, they've done well, it's ALL gonna be ok afterall!

Mostly, I get puppies instead. Sigh.

:(

But... they're ONLY 7 and 9 and no where NEAR being teens yet. You said they're not teens "any more" but they haven't been teens YET. They're still living at home, and they still need you for everything except feeding them by spoon and putting clothes on for them. They need you to teach them everything and guide them and to discipline them. They're not anywhere near ready to be independent. They're not even out of elementary school yet!

Being a parent isn't just being a parent when they're a newborn and baby and toddler. It doesn't end then. Our children need us MORE when those stages are over, more than ever. So you're not wiping their butts and shoveling mashed carrots into their mouths... there's so much more to mothering than changing diapers and checking for babyhood milestones. The REAL parenting starts now that they're developing personalities, interests of their own, and navigating society.

I love babies too. It's my favorite stage of childhood. I'd love it if they stayed babies because it's EASIER. They're easier to transport and feed and there aren't any arguments and Mommy is the best and prettiest and they haven't mastered "no" as well. You can snuggle and do all of the cute stuff and they're lovable to almost everyone.

But there are things that you won't miss either. Fecal smearing. Lack of effort in puking in the sink, the toilet, or a barf bowl. Spit up on clothing and in your own hair. Forgetting to shower for three days. Forgetting to call other adults for a week. Having to coordinate child care during the day because they're not in school full time yet. Worrying if you should call out of work or make your husband take a turn this time. Wondering if you should just quit work for a while. Feeling guilty either way.

It's okay to miss stages of childhood. Don't ever question that your children need you. They really do need you more than they ever did before. That's a fact.

Of course they need you. They need your love and attention just in different ways than when they were younger.

They need for you to be interested in what they're doing and how they feel. They need to have a warm relationship with you. They need for you to spend time with them. They need you to tuck them in at night and to wake them up in the morning in a loving way. They need your hugs and kisses. They're still young enough to cuddle while you're watching TV or reading with them.

They need for you to provide them with a stable environment. They need you to provide nutritious meals and snacks. They need your help in learning how to relate to the various parts of their world.

They need you to be aware of and praise them for good behavior. They need you to provide appropriate discipline when they misbehave. They need you to teach them how to behave.

Sounds like you need something that they, as children, cannot provide you. I suggest that you start in counseling to learn what that is and ways to get that need met.

I also suggest that there is much more to do than shopping and having lattes to talk about boys. You've outgrown the talk about boys. Good. I suggest that you do some exploring and find things to do that will interest you. I have friends with whom I do things. I sew with one friend and we talk about fabric, styles, and sewing. I have several other friends that I talk about spiritual things. We read psychological and self-help books and discuss the idea we read about. I have friends with whom I eat out. We talk about food and how much we love to eat. We share restaurant experiences.

I am also a collector and a reader. I enjoy doing both things by myself. I spent a couple of hours browsing at Goodwill this afternoon. I was feeling sad and seeing pretty and useful things nearly always cheer me up. I browse at stores too. Not to buy anything but to fill my time and my mind with satisfying experiences.

I also volunteer at my grandchildren's school. If I didn't volunteer there I'd volunteer with CASA or some other organization that helps children. You could volunteer to help with babies and toddlers at the hospital. I did that years ago. That could give you your baby fix.

Find what you like to do. Be more than a mom. Expand your horizons. Most of us are not fulfilled by motherhood alone.

Find a hobby or something. I'm not being flippant, I'm being serious - it's important for us moms to have an identity outside of motherhood. The teen years are great because you still have your children in your home but you have much more freedom. Being able to do things like go to the gym, grocery shop, run errands etc. without making sure someone is home to watch the kids is heaven. You can watch movies you want to watch, go out with friends when you want to, read a book in peace, start and actually finish a project, etc.

Don't discount the value of driving them places. The car is a wonderful place to have difficult conversations, eavesdrop on their conversations with friends, and earn you big points ("don't give me flack about mowing the lawn, I just drove you and your friends to the movies last night"). I'll take a nice lunch or dinner out with a teenager over a toddler or pre-schooler any day. You can go to concerts with them for bands you BOTH like. You can talk about sports or politics or books or movies and they actually know what you're talking about. You get more and more glimpses of the adults they are growing into and, hopefully, you'll truly enjoy what you see.

My teens are young (14 and almost 15) but so far, I really enjoy this phase. That said, I have a full life outside of my mommy role - being a mom is the most important role I have, but I also have a busy full-time career, a part-time tutoring business, and lots of hobbies, volunteer commitments and friends and I really value having the time to put towards these things because I don't have to be at home when they are all the time.

Don't be afraid to evolve and grow with your kids - maybe it's time for you to find something that lights your fire other than the hands on role of parenting. Or if you really do find that most fulfilling, perhaps you would make a great pre-school teacher or aide to that age group?

Girl, your nest isn't empty. The chicks just fly in and out of it now.

You have to pull yourself out of this funk because those kids are NOT there to satisfy your needs. Nor are you there to satisfy their WANTS. Of course they need you. Of course they love you. But if you are going to look at their needs as a burden because they are more complex than a baby's needs, they will pick up on that and the teen years WILL be hell. I don't understand "preferring" a particular age - who cares what age a parent "prefers", the kid doesn't stay that age so to "prefer" an age just invites disappointment.

It sounds as if you would like to have another baby.

With that being said, kids at ages 7 and 9 need their parents every day of the week. This is crucial time for parenting on so many levels.

I would only hope that your kids are NOT glued to the tv, technololgy and loads of after school activities. Then, they really wouldn't need you.

At ages 7 and 9, they should be helping you w/ a few chores, eating dinner w/ you, preparing meals w/ you, and SO much more.

I ,too, only know people who prefer the teen yrs---until they really take place !

Your kids are still little...cherish the yrs. When they are tens it will feel like they don't need u anymore. You are no where near that stage !!!!

Sit down and really look at your relationship with them.

Is "driving them places and giving them money" really all there is to it?

Do you:

Volunteer at their school(s)? At their activities? Are you active with events at school, are you a parent who helps organize soccer/chess/Scouts/church groups/whatever it is they do outside school? If not: Get involved. The schools need you. There are SO many ways to do it -- look at what your PTA offers (many have after-school classes in arts, dance, chess club, "mad science" fun classes, etc. you name it --and if your school offers nothing, be the one to get something organized!). If you go to a church or synagogue or other place of worship, what can you do there? Outside your kids' world, what volunteering would interest you -- working with a food bank to sort and distribute food? Working to teach basic literacy skills to those who don't have any? Working with the local hospital or Red Cross on blood drives? MANY places need your help right now and you can't use the excuse "I don't have any experience" -- volunteers do not need experience!

You may be missing huge opportunities to be much more involved in your kids' lives. The "they don't need me" only means they don't need to be fed by hand and dressed any more. They DO need you to show an interest in what interests them, and to get involved. They do need you to demonstrate an interest in the larger world too, by having your own activities that don't depend on them.

You have so much to offer and it's not "shopping and hanging out to talk about boys" -- that's not what we SAHMs whose kids are in school do all day (though a little shopping is always a welcome distraction!).

The best way out of your funk is to help others, both to help your own kids by being involved in their schools and activities, and to help the rest of the world by being involved in whatever cause interests YOU.

If you really do feel your kids have little to do with you other than asking for money and rides -- they're way young for things to be at that stage already. Things are not about either "the teen years or toddlerhood" as you call it; your kids are currently in the wonderful elementary years and they need you MORE than ever, not less. They need to navigate social relationships, figure out who they are, deal with good friends and possibly some bullies, learn to work with teachers they may not like but must listen to, learn how to study...Do you see that they need you now? In ways more important than "taking care of them" as you did when they were little and their needs were so simple?

Get to know the people they are now, the needs they have now (which are greater than you realize) and get involved. Babyhood and preschool are fine but you're in some great and potentially tough years when they need your full attention and more, not less, involvement.

Lilly, I think you are in a bit of a funk.

All I can say is, you are not an empty nester yet, so you need to focus on the positive instead of the negative. You still have three to five years before you are fully in the teen years, so you need to enjoy and make the most of those years.

7 and 9 year old kids still need and want mom, a lot. Once they're twelve or thirteen, all bets are off. So keep making those warm and fuzzy memories, and store them in your memory banks.

Brilliant response from Marda.

The best thing about teens and beyond is you get to see the success from all that hard work.

My kids are 6 and 10.
They are both in school.
I am a SAHM and also work part-time at my kids' school now.
Yes, when the kids are no longer babies or at home... it is a Rite Of Passage for the Mom... it is another phase, of motherhood.
My kids are still very close to me, they are home and have their activities too, but we also have lots of family time. They are not pushing me away. Rather, they even still will come up to me and hug me and sit on my lap even if they are almost as big as me, and cuddle.
But sure, it is bittersweet to see my kids growing up and no longer little or babies.
But I don't replace those feelings with wanting another baby. 2 children are enough for me.

For now, the MAIN thing for me, is that my kids are grounded in themselves and know who they are, and knowing that I am always there for them. And that, I am their shoulder and soft place to fall. SO that, when they do hit the Tween or Teen years... we are close and bonded, still. Despite, their age related phases.
My kids know who they are and are not just followers, and for me my job is now to make sure, they are solid in their foundation and sense of self.
So that, the Tween and Teen years... are not an identity crises, for them. Despite all those other potentially crappy influences, that kids go through.
And that they stand up for themselves and speak up.

Sure, its sorta sad to see them grow up.
I told my 6 year old son stay little! And he tells me "Mommy, but I have to grow up..." and then he adds that he will always love me. ;)
That is golden.

Its just another phase of Motherhood.

So sorry you're in a funk. We all have those days, but to Mamazita, I am one who actually DOES strongly prefer teens to babies and toddlers (and I do have a teen). That's why I teach high school. :)

The teen years can be wonderful, but you don't have to worry about that yet. With your kids being 7 and 9, you still have time to enjoy them being younger. They do still need you, just in different ways. They need you to help them learn how to navigate through this crazy world. They need you to curl up and watch movies with, and read books with/to. They will want to share their dreams with you, and tell you about all of their adventures. The list is endless, and will go on for years to come.

Keep smiling! :)

This is the lull before the storm! Enjoy the ride, literally. Talk about their day and current events and their opinions. I am not sure if you have girls or boys and it do make a difference! Either way you are setting the teen ground work now. It's pretty much like the toddler years but the stakes are higher. Periods of boredom interspersed with sheer terror! I am not much for shopping either but I tore off wallpaper and painted and kept myself busy in between band events, lost homework, illness and strange requests!
I prayed with "Moms in Prayer" and substituted as mom for lost kids. I have come down to my last at home his senior year. I have saved the day with getting his mum for homecoming girlfriend and running up to pay for his cap and gown. I powered down for his junior year getting help for SAT and leading through college apps. I have slept little, and went to many hot and cold football games. I have called teachers and corrected his behavior. My jobs are different but I still feel like I contribute to my kids success and support their good decisions. I am still a mom. It's the most thankless, yet, best job in the world and I don't feel called anywhere else.

Oh my I don't think I've met a single person who prefers the teen years over the toddler years, except those who have never actually had a teen lol!!!
Seriously though, different ages need different things. I absolutely miss the cuddly, snuggly baby/preschool stage. And since I was a SAHM I got to do a lot with and for them during the elementary school years, volunteering in their classes, working on school committees and projects, being a scout leader, etc. (and a lot of working mothers I knew did these things as well, we all enjoyed staying involved and connected that way.)
I was so busy doing all of that stuff that I didn't start to feel "un needed" until they were in middle school.
Which is when I started working again, part time.
Of course they still needed me (yes, for rides and money, but also to just be there, a reliable, consistent and loving presence in their lives.) And now that they are 13, 16 and 19 I am with them less and less all the time. This is what kids do. They grow up. People don't always think about that when they are making babies :)
I'm not sure what your shopping and talking about boys over lattes comment is referring to? Do you think that's what mothers and teen daughters do? Um, NOT. My girls have plenty of girlfriends to do that with, they don't need their embarrassing old mom joining them! We DO have some special moments, but they are more random and spontaneous than they used to be. I spend most of my time nagging them about their grades and chores, and reminding them to do x, y and z for the umpteenth time.
Like I said, not as much fun as the toddler years. I'd rather spend the day at the park or zoo with a three year old than argue with a seventeen year old about waiting until the last minute to write her college admissions essays and clean the damn car already :(
ETA: sorry I sound like such a downer! I guess what I should add is that your kids are still at a GREAT age to spend time with and make memories, you've got three to five years before they really start pulling away so make the most of it!!!

At 7 and 9 they should still have a big desire to spend time with you a lot. So take them places like the zoo and museums, grab a blanket and let them stay up past bedtime and look at the stars with you, read to them from a chapter book every night at bedtime, have a picnic breakfast one morning as a surprise, set up a tent in the living room and go "camping" one evening while you eat popcorn and watch a favorite movie, play pretend games with them, play a game of basketball with them, plan a treasure hunt with a treasure at the end and everyone go on it, etc. Just find fun things to do with them and make those special memories. You have years before the teenage years. These are still magical years of childhood. If all you are really doing is driving them around and handing them money then that needs to stop. Don't let them be in so many activities and cherish this time you have to spend with them while they are still little. The close bond you build now will carry over into the teen years as you are helping your children navigate young adulthood. (I'm not there yet, as my oldest is 10, so I can't give you any solid advice there.) ;)