My husband gave me a VERY hard time about the fact that I go get a gourmet coffee on weekends. He says I'm addicted to lattes because I have to have one on the weekend.
During the week I drink coffee at home or work. During the weekends I like to “spoil” myself by getting a latte. I’ve been going to this little coffee shop by my house almost every Saturday & Sunday morning for the past 2 years which is when I got hooked on these darn things!! LOL Plus my kids like to get their yummy vanilla milk which are only $1.00.
My husband this past Sunday started in on me about how much money I spend a year on these “stupid” coffees. I told him I very rarely spend money on myself, I never go to nail salons, shopping malls to buy new clothes, my cell phone is very old but still works, I keep our spending way low, I get my hair done about every 5 months, my work clothes I buy at discount clothing stores as well as my shoes, I cook every meal, pack my lunch and my kid's lunch everyday, we spend most of our time at the park, library, museums, hiking, or the beach so we can save for family vacations (I was able to save for us to go to Hawaii for 2 weeks this summer) and my kids have everything they need all the time. Plus the fact that I saved enough to pay off our car so we do not have to make any more car payments and other than mortgage, we are debt free!!!!
My girlfriends are always at nail, hair or tanning salons, always going out to lunch/dinner, getting lattes everyday, buying the newest most expensive jeans on the market and they always have a new car every 3 years. Sure I’m a bit jealous but I prefer our family vacations every summer =-)
I work full-time and bring home about ½ of what hubby brings home but I work just as hard.
After about an hour of arguing about this he stormed off to work while we were still mad at each other. I was in tears because I don't like it when he is upset with me!
Now I feel 2 lattes a week is not a big deal but apparently he thinks it is. Now mind you he spoils himself plenty with all the latest and greatest gadgets, and so many other things like new running shoes, video games for his handheld thing, going out to dinner with the guys and playing poker once a month which is $50.00 every game. However, I feel if it's important to him to have these things, then it's important to me. Not to mention that I feel his "male bonding nights" are very important too and I've never complained. In fact, I encourage it. I get together with my girlfriends for dinner every 3 months but that's only because we are all so busy =-)
Should I feel guilty about my "stupid" lattes??
I loved reading all your answers! Some of you made me laugh! Thank you!
For those that asked about my hubby feeling left you = He doesn’t drink coffee, but I do bring him back a smoothie if he’s in the mood. Plus, we just go get the coffee and milk then bring it back home to drink if my hubby has not left for work (he works weekends). We’re only gone about 15 min.
Maria M’s husband suggested that maybe it’s because he sees it as a constant flow of money going out so I broached this subject with my DH. I pulled out the calculator and broke down how much I spend a year on my “stupid” lattes. Then I tallied up how much he spends a year on the poker parties alone. Oh and he corrected me, he pays in $40.00 a month for poker not $50.00.
Either way, turns out HE spends $20.00 more a month than I do! He thought my lattes were about $5.00 a piece. Well maybe at a Starbucks but not the little coffee shop I go to.
I also suggested I look into buying an espresso machine so we jumped on-line last night and realized that one machine costs about $100.00 more than what I spend a year!
By the end he was apologizing and saying how “dumb” he is. Of course I had to agree =-)
Not only that but we decided to take the suggestions most of you gave of having our own spending budget each month.
So in the end I asked what got him all worked up that morning about my lattes and he he had such a horrible night sleep that he woke up super cranky.
Thanks so much for having my back on this one and for the great suggestions/advice! Because of all of you my stupid latte habit will never be a fight again!
Oh Brother! You deserve more that one latte a week..
Just tell him..
"Don't mess with my lattes."
"If mama ain't happy, nobody is gonna be happy! Step back, I need my lattes."..
Something else is probably bothering him because there's no reason for you to feel guilty about a couple of latte's from what you wrote. I never spend money on myself and on a rare occasion may grab an inexpensive lunch with a work friend I don't see much or just by myself to get a break from the office. My husband got mad about this once and made it seem like I was eating out every day. He realized later that he was just worried about something else and took it out on me. Try to find out what's really bothering him because this is not selfish at all.
Unless there is something else underlying , then no I do not think that 2 lattes a week is extravagant , especially as he has poker games , it's only fair that you both have "something". If you were a SAHM I could see his argument a little , but as you also work full time then no , he has no argument here IMO.
I haven't read the other responses, so excuse me if this is a repeat.... but I suggest you start a spending budget. My husband was always blaming me for our credit card bill being out of control, when i am alot like you... I don't get my nails done, shop sales, always pack lunch, etc. Meanwhile, he gets up late, never has time to pack himself a lunch, he smokes (!!!), and back in march, he wanted to drop hundreds of dollars on a boat I have no interest in going on, and he doesn't have time to take out either.
finally , I put him (and me) on a budget. We each split the leftover $$ after I pay the bills. You know who is suddenly wanting to sell things, because he can't live on that much money!!! Him! You know who has $700 in the bank right now (even after paying for ballet classes for my daughters for the summer out of my spending money)... ME!!!! It is wonderful!
I used to feel guilty for buying myself a pair of $20 jeans... now I know how much money I have available to spend.
I am in the opposite situation as you... I make more than my husband, but he was spending it all without a care. Now, if he wants to go to the bar, or buy something else, it's not my concern. This was the best decision I ever made! Good Luck to you!!!
Why not agree with him. I know an old Jamaican woman that says "if ye cant hear, ye must feel." Make him feel it. "I agree babe. We have both been a little selfish. We should take a hard look at our budget and see where we could tighten up a bit. Why not having hot dogs instead of steak. I'll switch to store bought coffe, you switch to generic hygiene products. I'll pack your lunch, how's bologna and cheese sound? Oh and sorry, hun, no more poker nights" Or don't ask, just do it. Tighten everything for a week. Tell him it's time to sit down and go through last months bank statement to see where you can trim a little excess. I bet that gets him to sing a new tune.
Ask him to list all the things he does/buys for himself, and total the costs. You do the same. Help each other remember things for your lists.
Then ask him what he's willing to give up if you give up your lattes. Usually when people are critical of others, they are deflecting their attention away from a flaw they have in themselves.
Don't feel guilty. Enjoy your lattes. You seem to have great taste!
I might consider asking your husband if he feels bad about your time at that café and why? Seems the lattes themselves are not the problem, but they stand for something. Maybe he is lonely? You sound so lucid and good, i am sure he is too. But maybe he has a hard time expressing a need that he feels he shouldn't have, and hides that behind his criticism of your coffee habits.
Maybe you can both find out together what this really is about.
Have a nive piece of cake with your latte once in a while!
good luck,
D.
I think Patty W.'s answer was spot-on. I'm betting something strange triggered this that has nothing to do with the Latte, because if it is just the latte he's really off the deep end. He plays POKER. That's just a way to guarantee that you're giving money away most of the time.
I think, though, that brining up "you spend vs. I spend" is an unproductive path that leads to defensiveness and feeling underappreciated/ misunderstood which will all carry into future arguments.
Make a budget. Say we each get $X in discretionary personal spending which the other cannot question you about later. Take that money out in cash and hand it over from each paycheck or the beg. of the month.
Kudos for getting out of debt! You sound like a sensible woman to me.
Best of luck to you.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT BUDGETING.
THIS ABOUT DE-VALUING YOUR NEEDS OVER HIS.
(I may be seeing my own baggage in your situation, but this is what it looks like!)
NO!!! You should not feel guilty, nor should your husband be angry about this. It sounds like you're conscientious about your spending for most things and your family is not in debt.
My husband and I have this problem at times too, and I must say that the SELFISHNESS is on the part of the two husbands, because they value their OWN desires for certain (more expensive) luxuries, while scorning their wives' desires for (different) small luxuries. The cost of the monthly poker game alone exceeds the cost of the lattes.
How about setting up a monthly budget for each spouse to use for the indulgences of his/her own choice? If this monthly amount is equal, it sounds like YOU will be socking away some savings, or have extra pocket money for something else!
I calmly make this suggestion whenever my husband wants to trim the budget by trimming MY small indulgences, e.g. newspaper subscription (He reads the news online), make-up (Get real....I need it! And I'm not excessive in what I buy or the amount I spend), and monthly lunch with the ladies (He eats out for lunch every work day, but I bring mine to work), etc. He always drops the subject immediately, because if we opened that can of worms, he knows that he would have to give me the same amount as his $30/month iPhone fee, $50 gym membership (we have a pool, weights, and stationery bike), expensive gadgets, expensive excess camping equipment, beer, etc. Like you, I'm happy for him to have these things, but I'm not happy to have my needs de-valued, just because they aren't the same as his.
P.S. The friends who are buying lattes every day are probably fatter than you!
This sounds just like the classic transfer of guilt. He is a spendthrift so he tries to make YOU feel guilty for what YOU spend to take the pressure off of himself.
Keep drinking your lattes and tell your husband that you won't allow him to disrespect you. HE is the selfish one. Ask him if he is worried about money and let him know that his spending habits need to be taken into account.
One thing I insisted on a couple years ago was "my" money. As in we both get it, and it's a set amount. (For us, it's $100 each every 2 weeks). Everything else is "our" money... and we do NOT buy personal things out of it.
My H threw a fit, on numerous occasions about MY spending. Yet when we hashed it all out his "personal" spending equaled out to over 30k for the year, and mine was less than 1k. Yeah. I'm the one with a spending problem.
ALL of our personal money gets spent out of the 200 a month. Lunches at work, clothes, coffees, whatever. And it's inviolate. We can spend it however we want, no questions asked. He gripes because that means that if he buys lunch every day that uses up all of his money. Well, yeah. Also that he has to "save" if he wants to buy something. Um. Yeah.
But we're on a tight budget. Which is really REALLY nice. Because before that *I* was on a tight budget and he spent $ whenever he wanted and then griped at me. The WE bit, is hugely relieving.
was It something else that triggered his displeasance? I still do not get it, why he would go off on you because of just having "two lattes" a week! I love coffee and would not imagine my husband complaining to me about getting "two" coffees a week. It seems to me, he was using these "two lattes" to vent his frustration on you due to something else. However, you should not feel guilty of doing your bi-weekly trip to the coffee shop and get you "two Lattes". Guilty is a feeling of doing something wrong or inappropriate. I never knew that having coffee twice a week could leash out anyone's temper. Maybe, he had a "bad" day or woke up on the wrong side of the bed...hummm!
Wait a minute. He's mad because you spend $$ on 1 latte and 2 milks every Saturday and Sunday. That is ridiculous.
Everyone should be allowed to have fun money and to spend it as they see fit.
You choose to do this one thing for yourself and your kids and your husband has a problem with it? I would tell him to go pound sand. You'll compare his expenses to your expenses any day of the week and then let's see who exactly is spending too much!
I find it so bizarre when men act like this. I really do.
I know some people that are filthy rich. Husband flies in private charter planes to golf tournaments, buys only the best cigars kept in a very expensive humidor, but when his wife's son was sick in New York and the only way they could communicate was by cell phone when he was in the hospital, husband hit the roof and threw a fit and said he refused to pay for the cell phone bills. She works too, but doesn't earn the kind of money her husband earns, and he was a complete jerk over how much it cost to call from California to a New York hospital.
I don't know why men are like that. My husband's company flew us to Las Vegas, all expenses paid for an awards banquet. Plus they gave him a $10,000 bonus. He told me we couldn't afford for me to buy anything new to wear, but he spent a couple grand on new suits for himself.
Sometimes when the word selfish is thrown around, it's ironically the pot calling the kettle black.
I don't know what to tell you other than to keep getting your weekend lattes.
If he wants to continue to gripe, you can always provide him with a little cost analysis of who spends what and where. Don't expect him to appreciate it though. Some men who make more money, feel they have the right to spend more money and it's the wife and kids who are supposed to do the sacrificing.
It sounds like he needs a reality check.
You could be one of those wives who must have a new wardrobe every season, I'm not like that. My husband made tons of money and I was always the thrifty one. And it did backfire to an extent because I was so good at saving that it just meant more for him and he even refused to let me go to the dentist saying we couldn't afford it. After paying $20,000 cash on a Corvette that the family couldn't go anywhere in.
I just find it funny he would add up how much you spend in lattes every year, but he's not adding up what he spends.
Don't you dare feel guilty about your "stupid" lattees. And don't stop getting them either.
He has his vices and you have yours. He can just deal with it.
That's my opinion and I mean no offense to anyone.
You should not feel guilty or stop getting them. Sounds like hubby was a little cranky maybe he needs a little caffine. This Saturday as you head out the door to get a latte ask hubby if he'd like you to bring one home for him which you will be picking up in your fully paid car and you promise you will limit your intake on the 2 week Hawaiian vacation you were able to save for despite your latte addiction!!! Bravo momma. PS- I read your post to my hubs and my hubs thinks yours doesn't appreciate how wonderful you are!!!
I agree there is another issue going on. If he does all the things you listed, he should NO problem if you bought a latte everyday!
We all need a sense of "spoiloing" ourselves once in awhile. Especially if you do work on saving and spending wisely. I would sit him down and talk to him again. There may be more going on, or maybe HE is just being selfish.
No way girl, you should not feel stupid about the stupid lattes!!
I love lattes too. You get your 2 lattes a week, you deserve them and ENJOY!!
No, you should not feel guilty.
We had a similar issue and you and I sound very similar! I don't "pamper" myself regularly, nor do I splurge on clothing. My husband and I finally sat down and did our monthly budget. Into that budget, we built "free money". We agreed on an amount that we are both comfortable with spending each month on WHATEVER!
For my husband, it's his weekly golf outting with his friends. For me, it's going out to lunch with my co-workers twice a month. We don't nag about it and don't even talk about it b/c it's our "fun money". Major purchases or activities are always discussed, but you may want to each have a cash allowance for the month- buy what you want and leave eachother alone about it!
You should not feel guilty!!!! Your husband is being very unfair. Everyone needs to pamper themselves. Even if you didn't work money earned is used for the whole family so it doesn't matter if he makes more than you. Not sure how you can help your husband not be mad, but don't let him guilt you into not enjoying yourself. Could he be upset that you are not spending time together on the weekend? But again let me say you are being perfectly reasonable and should not feel bad about your lattes. I have to admit I am addicted to them too. :-)
Did he just get into a panic about something, maybe? Money stress does that to me. I tend to freak out and go in the completely "monk" direction, where I'll deprive myself of everything (and I mean, I'll not buy groceries or toilet paper, etc...) until I calm down about it.
Just sounds to me like he's reacting to something else. I definitely wouldn't feel bad about 2 lattes on the weekend! You deserve it, and it's not like you're splurging. What can the total cost be? $10/weekend? I would ask him what's really up.
N.L.
I think you already know the answer to this question and that you are just looking for validation. So i will validate you and tell you from what you described you are not selfish and certainly entitled to treat yourself.
Do you want advice too? If you do I would recommend you not argue with your husband. Don't turn your expenditures into a tit for tat. That said......he doesn't deserve to spend more because he earns more. You are a team.
If there is some resentment going on then you might consider sitting down and making a budget that feels fair to both of you..........but if you do that please don't doubt yourself. You are perfectly entitled to your weekend lattes and they should be worked into the budget, and I would tell you it's very healthy to take care of yourself by allowing yourself this little pleasure.
Remember, your children are watching.....and modeling....you do want to teach them to be loving and sharing and how to take care of themselves.
Your lattes are not stupid and you should definitely not feel guilty!
Do you think he's upset about something more than the lattes? It's fantastic that you guys are debt-free, and that you find so many ways to make money stretch, and that as a family you do spend some money on yourselves (for vacations, etc.) And it also sounds like he's finding ways to enjoy life a little, too. So do you think he's upset about something else? Do the kids go with you when you go? Does he feel left out? Do they look forward to their vanilla milk so much that he's a little jealous? Or ???
I could be totally reading more into it, but it just seems like a lot of emotion coming from him over something as small as lattes.
But regardless, don't feel guilty. :-)
No way should you feel guilty! It's just a Latte! After all the scraficies you just mentioned you do in order to save money why in the world should he be nickpicking about some coffee.
Updated
No way should you feel guilty! It's just a Latte! After all the scraficies you just mentioned you do in order to save money why in the world should he be nickpicking about some coffee.
Nope. You shouldn't feel guilty. Keep gettin' your lattes, Sista!
No way!
Hubby has other issues manifesting in your lattes.
Ask/Tell him that you don't complain about the money he spends on himself, so why is he so unkind about the comparably insignificant amount you spend on your miniscule treat?
Best wishes!
Heck no, don't feel guilty. It sounds like this is a fun weekend thing for you and the kids - to head over to the coffee shop, get your latte and vanilla milks. Have you thought about including your husband and making it a stop before the family heads to the park for an hour? Maybe hubby feels left out? This does seem like a petty thing to be upset about, so I wonder at the root cause...
I think I'd look back to the last few months at how much he spent on himself & his "gadgets." Then add up the cost of your weekend lattes for that same time period. Seeing some real numbers might make him see the difference!!
something must have triggered him to say that. it's not the lattes. it's something else, but really, unless you verbalizes what his problem is you continue enjoying your lattes.
i used to have my moccha a few times a week. now i don't have any starbucks within short driving distance, and i miss them. dh never had a problem with it. if he did, laundry would have not gotten done, dinner not cooked, kids' homework not done, and a whole lot of PMS going around.
thankfully he never said anything.
Awww, don't feel guilty. I had to laugh due ti my similar situation. My BF will spend $60 at a time on fishing stuff, but if I buy myself a $6 shirt, OH NO! Just laugh it off, this shouldn't even be open for discussion. Just giggle and say 'I'm off to go spoil myself with a stupid latte!!', then kiss him, and go on your way... maybe even bring him one home ;)
I don't think you should feel guilty at all because you save in so many other ways, you work and contribute to the household and it sounds like you are doing fantastically financially. KUDOS to you! If you only splurge on coffee -he should be thankful. It doesn't seem fair for him to pick at you about this when he is splurging on many and more expensive things. Was he having a bad day that day? The only thing I do agree on, is that the lattes do add up over a years time BUT, if that is your special treat and reward to yourself for ALL of the other things you are saving on and doing without then you go girl! ENJOY HAWAII and tell him to back off !: )
Your husband sounds like the one who is being pretty selfish to me. You deserve a darn latte. He needs to stop being so mean and petty.
Unbelievable. There is nothing nice I can say about that person you are married to.
no way! you need some YOU time and/or YOU things to do and that is just a way for you to feel a little bit more comfortable. he shouldnt be mad about it he should be supportive of you getting alittle you time
Every month when he goes to his poker game, you go buy yourself a $50 gift card to the coffee shop.
Absolutely not! You work and you deserve to treat yourself. You also make it an outing for your kids. It sounds to me like your husband is being a bit hypocritical. Remind him that even if your lattes are $5 each, that's still only $40 a month...less than his poker game. Tell him you'll be more than willing to give them up when he gives up poker! ;) A better idea is to have a small, personal budget each month. You each get a certain amount of money to spend on yourself. Once that's gone, no more treats until the next month!
L.
I think you should learn him a lesson and tell him you think his spending is outragous. Tell him that if you have to give up your latte's, then he has to give up his poker nights and his hand held games.
Fair is fair.....sounds like he just doesnt want you having anything to yourself, which everyone needs!
Wow, you sure did explain your side well! Its hard to determine if its the money he's concerned about or your tradition. hmm, its kinda unfortunate that he's a bit one sided about this. i dont know how your gonna overcome this minor tradition and keep him happy.
But what i do know is that it is imperative to keep you happy. What i mean by that is we as women (and men) need to keep a balance in our life. there are 4 sides to a balanced life, mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. If your not maintaining all four of these for yourself, life gets difficult. it seems to me that this is part of a spiritual/emotional deposit for you. if at all possible, don't compromise your tradition but try find the real reason for his protest. its hard to imagine that he would not like you happy.
all my best, M.
p.s. my husband just chimed in and said, "from a guys point of view, he see's this as a constant flow of out going money where as his once a month outing with the guys is once a month. his purchase of gadgets and what not can be easily defended for business or for whatever reason."
For heaven's sake, NO. Let me say that again, NOOOOOOOO!!!
You are doing a fabulous job of being frugal for your family. I only wish I had it together half as well as you do!!! Your husband is WAY OFF on this one. WAY OFF. I understand you don't want him to be upset with you, but honestly, you are in the right on this one. As far as I can see it from what you described, this is the ONLY indulgence you allow yourself. Your husband needs to check himself, and see what a gem he truly has.
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for getting hubby to come around to seeing things our way, but I am completely, 100% sure he is wrong on this one!!!
Keep up the great job, mom!
It's a latte, what's the issue? If you are both working, and do not have debt, I don't get it. I'm on your side. Have your latte!
sound like to me he is on edge about something else. It could be money related though... like him feeling his job is not secure....
I Don't think you should feel guilty but i do think instead of trying to justify yourself (rightly so) I think you need to listen and ask questions to find out what about your drinks really bothers him. Maybe it isn't the drinks but the time you are gone away from him. Maybe it ties into a feeling or experience he had as a kid and he can't really get to it except to complain.
I think something is going on and maybe let him know that you love him and because you do you will forgo your drinks until he figures out why it really bothers him.
I know that might sound crazy but sometimes they just need to know they are important even in the little things and when they feel respected and important they have room to sort through what was really the issue.
I also don't mean give it up and be a martyr either. There has to be room to process and then some accountability...like say I am willing to give this up for a month while we work together to figure out if this is about control or something deeper going on in your life because i love you and care about you.
I think you could dismiss it, i think you could just give it up, i think you could put your foot down and draw a line in the sand but ultimately what does any of those get you? Closer to your husband and a deeper understanding of who each of you are individually and together? Sometimes we have to sacrifice to gain.
I hope this gives you another way of thinking about it. Don't feel guility but do evalutate and adjust and work together.....Life is too short!
NO! You are 'money smart'....but you need to value yourself more. You don't like it when he's upset with you? Why do you need his validation? You should realize what a gem you are in his life. You should be upset with him! He is putting you down and discounting an inexpensive treat that you enjoy as stupid! He should be praising you as his wonderful wife, who has added so much value to his life...by being wise with money, paying off debts, being a wonderful mommy, etc. He certainly indulges himself, but you make allowance for him, yet you have to defend your own small indulgence? You also contribute to the income in the family and should allocate some spending money $100 or so every month, that you can spend any way you want to. And for your own sake, MAKE time with girlfriends every single month....we need friends to give us perspective and empathy. Why am I so passionate about this? 22 years and six kids later, I divorced a self indulgent man who didn't cherish me or our kids, but discounted, put us down and emotionally and physically abused us. Never again.....the lesson was painful.
I don't think you should feel guilty. Invite him the next time you go (Perhaps wothout the kids) who knows maybe he will get hooked as well. But honestly it sounds like he may be a little jealous of that time and not so much the coffee. just a thought. J.
No, you should not feel guilty. My guess is that your husbands anger has nothing to do with your coffee, nor does it have anything to do with you. Don't feel upset about him feeling angry - that's his problem not yours. Good luck.
No way! You deserve your lattes. Tell him everyone else thinks this is fine - I can't believe he's making a big deal about it...
He's lucky that you only get them once/twice per week... I get mine almost every day! I cannot live without them (maybe I could, but everyone around me would be miserable).
Honestly, I think you guys are both overreacting... more so him than you. I'd have to agree with Anne-Marie...
Please don't feel guilty. I envy the fact that you are able to budget your money so well. I in fact can not! We as women always tend to feel guilty. I know that I spend any extra money that is given to me for birthday, mother's day ends up going to the household or to my kids. You work hard and darn it you deserve your latte. Maybe their is something else behind your husbands attitude.....
I betcha he isn't all that pissed about the coffee. It is something else. I'd talk to him. Do not be mad when you start. Lay it all out-the poker games, the coffee....etc.
Oh HELL NO ..
Sorry, NL, but sometimes those men make me so crazy. Even if you are bringing in only half of what your husband does .. you are entitled to a little bit of personal enjoyment!! In my humble opinion, the poker buy-in's and your latte's are a pretty equal expenditure .. don't feel guilty, don't feel selfish, don't feel bad at all!
He's just being a butt-head, like they can sometimes be.
~W.
NO! You should not feel guilty about your lattes and I hope he realizes that soon! I bet if you pointed out the disparity in your spending he might realize. Not only that, but you are not spending money on lattes that you should be spending on food or something. It's not like your kids are going hungry because you like fancy coffee! If coffee is your one, special indulgence every week, then by all means, indulge.
ummm, NOOOO!! That is CRAZY! Look at alll the money that you save all year and he is going to begrudge you a latte on sat and sunday?! Especially when it doesnt sound like he does without anything! Sister - you enjoy your lattes and do not let him give you a hard time about them - just simply say "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" , b/c I dont - If he has a problem with the, its HIS problem, not yours. You deserve a prize every once in a while too. :)
Are you kidding???? He is in the wrong here!!!! My husband did the same thing to me. I watched him buy, buy, buy for himself, while I struggled to make ends meet. I never pampered myself at all. If I had it to do all over again, I would of pampered myself some!!!! We all need some pampering in our lives. Don't allow him to have that type of control over you!!!!!!
I am so glad you asked your husband what was really bothering him and the two of you were able to have a good discussion about it! Now, every sip of your lattes will taste even better! Peace!
No, you shouldn't. If he keeps making a big deal out of it, make a list of personal expenditures( i.e. lattes, poker nights, etc.) so he can see that you're not spending too much. Or, if it would work out better, you could suggest that each of you make your own lists for a month and compare them at the end of the month.
Ok it's not just the lattes that are bothering him. It has to be something different, he is just picking on the lattes. Selfish is a harsh word to begin with since you work full time, are a wife and mother. I think it's the word he used that is the most hard for you. I would be hurt too. I think you need to ask him what this is really about. Also if you are sticking to just the weekends to splurge then you have more restraint than most people, since this is an everyday splurge for most. I would add up a year's worth of everyday compared to you weekend splurge and tell him how much you could be spending. Or put it into money scenarios when you go to poker it's this much and when I have my lattes it's this much. All in all I don't think it's about the lattes, there is something else there. Have a good, frank discussion!
Hello, It sounds like something else is bothering him. I don't see how your lattes are such a big deal. It sounds like he should be happy to have you as his wife with all that you do.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.
Of course not. Sit down with him and set up a personal budget for each of you. Remind him of what HE spends money on.
Perfect way to handle it! So the moms that said it was about something else were totally right. :)
I'm very careful about our expenses and I tend to nitpick at the husband about occasional lunches out and the higher priced razor blades and soap he buys, sometimes I have to literally bite my tongue, because I know I'm being irrational but still I just want to....mention that he bought something....Ugh. I'm like you, I NEVER splurge and save for vacations.
Nicely handled, wife!
I know this is an older post and you received lots of great responses but I think your DH was PMSing and yes, men get that too ;)
Sometimes my wonderful BF out of the blue will say something completely out of the blue or get pissy with me - usually if he's stressed out about something else, tired or not feeling well. During those times I would normally asked what crawled up him butt, but that wouldn't be productive...heheh. Lord knows, I get moodie =)
ha ha - I just read the last part of your "what happened" and men get all bent out of shape and say we are moodie/emotional. It's wonderful that he was able to talk to you about it. Mine isn't able to do that yet so it's a good think I know him so well =)
Hello NL: Wow, you should be running our government! No you should not feel guilty about your lattes, it sounds like hubby is on a power trip.
Good times..glad to hear that it all worked out..sounds like you have him pegged.. :)
No you shouldn't :-)
HELLLLLLLLLL NO! Perhaps you should address with him as a monthly or weekly spending budget. How much would be appropriate to him for you to spend on non-essential items, be it coffee, clothes, nails, hair, cd's, etc. I'm sure the amount will cover more then 8 coffees a month.
Perhaps there is something more to the coffee tantrum...do you spend time with him? Have you tried inviting him to these coffee runs?
People sometimes fixate on some tiny, silly thing when they're stressed out about something else entirely. I'm guessing that your husband may be stressed out about something, and he's picking fights about lattes because he feels that his life is out of control. It won't really help to try to get him to see it your way. It might help to figure out what he's really upset about.
Absolutely not! It sounds like you are more than frugal. It also sounds like your husband doesn't understand the sacrifices and the responsibility that you're already taking.
I recommend getting on the same page with your husband on your finances. Perhaps together you should make a budget and discuss where the family money should be spent. That way you can have a more rational discussion about it and look at what he's spending as well as what you're spending and work it out together.
If you're having a tough time communicating, I've found Dr. Fillmore's advice on http://StrongMarriageNow.com very helpful. In the StrongMarriageNow Video course there are four videos in the chapter on communicating that I think you might find helpful.
My sense of your letter is that the "Lattes" are not the issue. The question is why he would begrudge you a little treat or feel that you should not spend money on you. There are much larger issues here about relationship equity and the argument about coffee is just the excuse to vent what is obviously a deeper anger. I am not sure what other advice I can share as I do not know you or your spouse, but I would urge you to find an MFCC or someone to talk to. Good Luck, L.
PS - I know of an excellent therapist in the LA area: Natasha Mitchnick-Mandel: Natasha is a mother and grandmother, and has been working over the past 15 years as a marriage-family therapist and school psychologist. After receiving her Masters in Family Therapy many years ago, she accepted a full time (steady, reliable) school psychologist position that precluded her from taking on more than a few clients for her private practice. It has also slowed her progress in gaining the 3,000 hours of practice that is required for full licensure. She is now getting close, and to get there is working (officially as a marriage-family therapy intern) in her new and spacious office under the license of a highly-recognized and long-successful psychologist.
Natasha has experience working with children, adults, couples, and families. Her level of empathy and the trust she engenders among those she counsels are strong assets. She practices a philosophy of non-violence, which extends well beyond the physical form and has enabled her to empower others in the ways they confront conflict and develop views of themselves and others. Please keep her in mind for referrals! Her contact information is:
Natasha Mitchnick
Silverlake ( Los Angeles )
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