He liTreating My Self for Mothers's Day, Am I Been Selfish?

Honestly, I wouldn't ask. I would just go.
I don't need my husband's approval.

But no I don't think it's selfish.

Updated

Honestly, I wouldn't ask. I would just go.
I don't need my husband's approval.

But no I don't think it's selfish.

You want to know if you are being selfish, doing something for yourself because he won't? No - he's the one who is, at best, clueless, and at worst, selfish.

I'd also suggest that you reevaluate your statement that he is "a good father" to the kids. He is teaching them how to not appreciate their mother. So maybe he needs a wake-up call.

As yourself why you are asking his permission to go to a salon or to get a pedicure. And although you apparently have a job and contribute financially, that's not the point. Stay-at-home moms contribute enormously too - you can't measure everything in a paycheck. A SAHM is just as entitled to spend "family money" as an employed one. It's called budgeting.

You can google those calculations of what it would cost to replace a SAHM (child care, house cleaning, chauffeuring, personal shopper/errands, caterer, business manager, vacation planner, etc. - including nights and weekends). It's astounding. Put that in front of your husband.

I think it does not matter one whit what he says. What does matter is that you two have such a disconnect about what each of your deserves and what each of you needs to be happy. You seem to have a handle on his, but he doesn't on yours. So there is a big communication gap.

If I were you, I'd plan a weekend away with a friend or a family member, and let him see what it's like to run a household and care for kids. Maybe he won't value you entirely on income and expenditures.

And I'd stop asking for approval and permission. There's something entirely unequal and dismissive about his attitudes.

well, i see a couple of things here.
i think it's okay if he really doesn't see the value in things like mother's day. and in that case, deciding to treat yourself makes perfect sense.
you've been married to this charmer for 16 years, and in all that time it doesn't sound as if he's gone out of his way much to woo or pamper you. so i'm not sure why now you're running it by him for his approval. 'i'm getting my hair done for mother's day. i'd like you to pick up chinese take-out, please' would be just fine. if he's clueless, letting him know precisely what's called for is no biggie.
but when it tips over into 'trouble', 'bad looks' and hesitation, this would not sit well with me.
did you ASK him if you could get pedicures, or let him know this would be an ongoing thing? whether or not you're working (not sure what 'contributing financially' means), if the budget can handle it, small self-care indulgences every couple of months should be a happy thing.
it's hard for me to relate to this, because i just can't imagine being married to a man who would treat me so cavalierly. if he's a good provider, why is he acting like a mule about you getting your hair or nails done? if he's such a great dad, why is it okay for him to show his kids that he holds their mother in such low esteem?
i'd be digging down below the surface of this issue, which is about a lot more than hair or nails, and working on the underlying lack of respect.
khairete
S.

Why did you ask?
Just do it, It is your time your money and your hair.. and FYI, getting your hair done is not a gift, it is your right and something you should do every 6 to 8 weeks if you want to.

A treat would be going to a restaurant that you want to try, going to a performance, going on a trip, purchasing a nice piece of jewelry..
Going to a spa and being pampered..

Asking him to take the kids all day so you can flop out and do whatever you want to do. NO, cleaning the house, doing laundry running errands do not count.

We don't regard a date like Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas as some special day you drop everything and focus on one person of the day.

I look at it over time. If we need something or if something special is found, we don't wait for the special day to do it. We try to even things out over time. Now we always go to Mothers Day Brunch at our club because it's the best brunch if the year!!

Who does your hair, maintains the growth, etc. You need to get your hair done in order to keep it healthy. You don't "have" to go every month or so but at least once or twice a year.

Does your hubby know know you feel? Do you communicate with him?

My hubby encourages me to go to the salon . He says "when you look nice it makes me look nice as well". We work together but he's a good provider and always has been. He would cringe if I left the house on a date with him with unmaintained hair. I do get pedicures but not as many manicures.

I think it's important for a mom ( working or not) to have down time to recharge... That could be a mini vacation alone, simple spa day or just getting your hair done occasionally.

I never ask if I can go to the spa or salon. Hubby is my partner, not my dad.

Good luck to you. You need some "me" time.

ETA: I just got back from getting my eye serum, eye cream and night cream and I didn't ask hubby if I could get it. I had a gift card I got for doing a focus group last week 2 hours and $250 so I used that card, paid the difference and bought the things I like to keep my skin looking like it does.

If you haven't been to a salon in 16 years who cuts your hair? Most women I know go for a hair cut and style at least 4 times a year. I am really frugal so I only go twice a year. One haircut in 16 years isn't selfish, unless it is really expensive and your family honestly can't afford it. He sounds very controlling.

NO You are not selfish!! I am thinking your husband is like my FIL and is a super frugal person. My FIL does not want to spend an extra penny on things. He buys the most inexpensive item or goes without. They lived for 35 years in their current house and never updated anything...just fixed what absolutely needed to be fixed. Now it is extremely dated when they are thinking of selling it and downsizing. But no one will want to buy it. So now my MIL is trying to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms and it is killing my FIL that she is spending so much more than he would like to. If he had just upgraded one thing every couple of years the last 10 years then it would not cost so much. My husband grew up in a house where his mom cut everyone's hair. They never spent money on clothes. They only bought the one cheapest shampoo...no conditioner, lotions, hair gel or anything extra because that was not necessary. Can you imagine? They live in the desert and they were not allowed to buy an inexenpensive bottle of skin lotion! They were not allowed to turn up the heat in the winter. My first Christmas I spent with them was when I was 24 and I was shocked. My FIL hates to buy a tree so they sometimes do not get one and other times they go on the night of Christmas Eve and he haggles. They do not put up lights and decorations bc my FIL does not want to spend money on that kind of thing. My MIL gave everyone two small gifts (a book and a pair of socks she knitted) and that was it! It was so different than my family! Anyway...my MIL spent all these years trying to please him like you are doing. Well about 7 years ago she took a job in another state and got a condo there. She travels for her job and spends weekends and holidays with my FIL. They are not separated but they just do not live together full time. I can tell now that my FIL appreciates her so much more than he used to. Now I see that she actually looks nice because she has gotten herself some updated clothes. She now wears some cute scarves and got a new coat that is not 50 years old! She decorated her condo tastefully. She does not go overboard with spending. I notice she does not ask her husband for permission or even look guilty. She just does what she wants, and she seems much more confident and content. This is what you need to do too. Stop trying to please him and do what makes you happy. Going to a hair salon now and then to treat yourself is 100% ok and you do not need your husband's approval for this.

If I said to my husband, "I'm thinking about getting my hair cut." he'd wonder why I was bringing it up instead of just doing it.

You deserve to get your hair cut simply by virtue that you are a person who wants a haircut. It has nothing to do with being a good mom or a savvy wife.

I think the issue is larger than Mother's Day. You shouldn't need a special date on the calendar to get your hair cut, or to do something just because you enjoy doing it. It sounds like you're spent your entire marriage suppressing yourself an an individual. Your husband is accustomed to you being a martyr of sorts.

I'm going to assume he isn't a d*ck in general, and is simply surprised and disoriented to discover that you actually want things for yourself. You don't need his permission or blessing, unless what you're doing is detrimental to the household.

It's time stop putting yourself last all the time. You need a life outside the needs of your husband and kids. It is long past time to start putting some care into what Adrianna wants and needs.

My husband encourages me to go to the salon - even when right now we really don't have the funds. I actually have an appointment for tomorrow morning. Why? Because he likes my hair long, which requires maintenance. He also likes the highlights, which again, requires maintenance. He likes when I get my nails done too...but I can't go every two weeks anymore, so he has to settle for clear and natural most often.

My husband is not controlling at all, doesn't complain when I spend money, and doesn't fuss too much if I want just me time. If my hair and nails are things he likes a certain way AND I like them that way too, it's a win-win situation.

The salon is a scary place for men - it's often expensive and once you start going, you will want to keep going, but it's a necessary evil. I'd go and not feel bad. You are not being irrational or selfish at all.

Nope you aren't selfish and he isn't stingy. You just view money differently. As long as the bills are paid and you have money in case something happens then treat yourself when you want.

Not selfish at all, in fact if you like going to the salon you don't need a reason or special day to do it, only that you are a human and you deserve some special pampering from time to time, like we all do.

I am not one to make a big deal out of days like mothers day myself. My husband asked me what he should do for me and my response was "I'm not your mother", lol. But I still take time to pamper myself from time to time, I just don't wait for a special day to do it.

Not selfish at all.

Are you robbing your family of food,shelter or significant time to do this?? If not, then go for it. Every woman should find ways within her budget to do some little extras for herself. Outing with lady friends, an occasional mani/pedi, trip to get a good cut and style at a salon.

I bring in no money to our household income. Zip, zero, nada. I feel no guilt spending money on myself. My husband sees the need I have for me to look and feel pretty. He supports me emotionally and financially to do the little extras that I enjoy..and notices when I do these things. He actually encourages me to do these things because he knows it makes me happy.

Your husband sounds like a good guy but just does not see the need for the extras and is a bit stingy in the spending department. To him he feels you can get your hair trimmed at the Cuttin' Corral (a movie joke) and trim your own nails. Alot of men see the extras as a total waste of money. Just an opinion conflict..and quite normal for alot of men.

Help him to see how these these things make you feel...womanly, sexy, feminine, special, happy and pampered. Then come home after being pampered and show him and your family how much of an uplift to your mood it gives you.

Now make that salon appointment and GOOOO!!!

As long as you can afford it, the only reason you neesd is, "I want to."

Men are weird about hair, have no idea why. Just best not to discuss it with them, ya know? I am sure if I cut my hair off tomorrow my husband, who is pretty wonderful, would look at me like I killed his best friend.

I don't think the issue is selfish or anything else you came up with. You said you never go to the salon so he doesn't have practice with dealing with wife changing their hair. He doesn't want you to change, ya know?

I know this sounds crazy because it is crazy to me and I speak man better than most women. Honest to god if I called my husband right now and said I am getting my hair cut Saturday he would want to go with me, like picking out a car or something. He doesn't have a controlling bone in his body, men are just weird about their wife's hair.

Heck no you're not being selfish! I'm pretty cheap and I always feel guilty spending money on myself because while we're comfortable, we're not overflowing with money. There are two days a year where I allow myself to "waste" money on pampering and it's my birthday and Mother's Day. You deserve it!

Girrl I hope you decide to go. I'm not saying he's not a good husband and dad most of the time but in this situation, good lawd, he's being a freaking dick. Seriously...would you ever make him feel bad about him doing anything equal to this? Hell no. Ugh, that attitude he's got irks me. I'm not judging either of you, hell I'm single lol, but that sucks you can't do for yourself without the grief he's giving. What the hell does he care anyway? I hope you go, guilt free!!! And happy mother's day mama!

I would go get your hair done. I don't bring in much money but what I occasionally make, I save up for something special like gettiing my hair cut. I only go 4 times a year & her haircut is the cheapest in town.

I say go get your hair done like you want.

You contribute to the household period....as a mom & wife.

Sometimes my husband will give me attitude when I want to do something special or go out to lunch w/friends. I nicely remind him that I do work....at home......and my job just happens not to be a paying one.

I find ways to make money (sell things, watch people's children etc.) & spend very sparingly.

Edit: you're not being irrational or selfish.

Spoil yourself girl, you deserve it!
I know as moms and women we always put others in front of our own needs, but pls take some time and think of yourself!

If you are "good" to yourself, others will follow.