My good friend and I have girls that are 5 yrs old, in the same class. We have known each other since the girls are one. The problem is her daughter is very spoiled and does not play well with others. Previous years they go to different school, but this year they are in the same class which I can not be avoid. School only started a month and a half and she's doing little things to annoy my daughter, telling other little girl to not be my daughter's friend ever, stepping on her foot when in line, etc. She has gotten numerous yellow and a orange and her husband think it's okay. My husband and I have different perspective on this. Our son was in Kindergarten last year and got all green and so does the friends he play with. This past summer I tried to have playdates including her, but it was just too much drama for me to handle. Yesterday was early release day and my son invited several boys over and my daughter have two. I feel very guilty about not inviting her over. Is it wrong of me?? I treasure my friend's friendship but how do you handle her daughter.
First of all I want to "Thank you" everyone for your great advice. My daughter has one yellow so far. And I told her to tell the teacher when her little friend does her little tricks. My daughter said she doesn't want her friend to get in trouble. She has always has a sweet heart, and I treasure it. I also informed the teacher to keep an eye on both of them. But what I noticed is that this little friend is tricky she'll do things when an adult is not watching and tried to hide things she not supposed to do. I have also confronted her mother in the past and things did not go well. I forgave and moved on and tried to avoid many play dates. But now since they are in the same class and we are good friends, certain things is not easy to avoid.
No I would not feel bad at all. This is not the type of kid you need to have over. She sounds like a BRAT.
However I woul try to teach her to stick up for herself so this situation doesnt get worse. Hang in there.
This is a really tough situation. You are not obligated to invite your friend's daughter over to play, but there will be times when the interactions are unavoidable. Honestly, if you are close friends I would talk to her about her daughter's behavior- not in a judgmental way, but express the fact that the girl's actions towards your daughter have been hurtful. Be specific and ask her how she would like you to address these behaviors when they occur outside of school.
I would also ask for a meeting with the teacher. Explain that there is a history here and that you would prefer that the girls be separated in line and not seated near eachother. You should absolutely put a request IN WRITING to the principal regarding next year's placement- usually sometime in the late spring is appropriate. You don't need to be specific, just reference behavioral episodes and personal reasons.
Why do you feel guilty for not inviting a child who is mean to yours to spend time with your daughter? Stop feeling guilty and encourage your child to meet some new friends.
If your friend really is your friend, then you should be honest with her about her and your daughter not getting along. If she can't accept the conversation, it's her loss. Friends should be able to speak to each other about anything without consequences.
There is no rule that your friend's daughter has to be friends with you daughter. I have been through this many times and in the beginning I beat myself over it. But now we just acknowledge that are kids are not us and they are interested in other things. . My kids are not even like me. They have different interests. So their friends go well with their interests and styles. I will not tolerate them picking on these kids though. For example my son is into sports. My friend's son is not at all interested in sports. They were uncomfortable with each other through out school but now in high school they are more respectful of each other. I see me son is more comfortable with him now bu they are still not best buddies. So allow your daughter's friends be her friends and yours be yours.
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Is your daughter asking to have this little "friend" over for a playdate? If not, that is valid reason enough not to. I let my kids make their own choices regarding playdate invitations. You can encourage her to invite kids over who play nicely with her at school. You shouldn't feel guilty at all. If your friend ever asks, tell her the truth. Her daughter is bullying yours at school, give her specific examples and incidents, therefore, your daughter does not WANT to have her over for a playdate. Actually, I would email the teacher, explain what is happening, and ask that she put a little distance between these two at school, as much as possible.
Start by having a one on one w/ her mother. Tell her how much you value her friendship, but explain the problems the behavior has created. Try as much as possible to target the BEHAVIOR, NOT the child. Behavior is something that can change.
Might even ask her what she would do if she were in your shoes? YOU should NOT feel guilty. As a parent, one of the main things you MUST do is to set boundaries and send messages as to what things/actions/behaviors are and are not allowed or appropriate. You need to ALSO talk about alternate behaviors. Might want to discuss some of these w/ her mother, too and see if you can come to an agreement.
Kids need to understand the message their behavior sends. Adults don't get this because no one ever took the time to explain this to them as a child or young adult. Sounds like a little friendly chat is in order for the sake of EVERYONE!
Guilt is an indicator that you may be handling things the wrong way. You have valid reasons for not wanting to invite your friend's daughter over for a playdate but excluding her or handling the drama that she causes on your own are not the answer. I think what you need to do is be straight forward with your friend. Try to start off on a positive note, tell her what's been on your mind with as much understanding and non-judgment as you can muster and ask her for suggestions on how the playdates can be worked out so that all the girls can enjoy being with each other. She may not receive this conversation very well but if you start excluding her daughter from the playdates, chances are you are going to lose her friendship anyway. At least this way, it gives her a chance to understand your point of view and hopefully take steps to remedy the situation.
Wish I could give you a less complicated answer than this . . .
Invite the child over & really watch how the girls interact. Get a better feel for the dynamics between them....without assuming that your child is innocent in this mishmash of personalities. You may find that this is an eye-opening experience for all of you!
Once you have 1sthand info on how the girls are together, then you can make an informed decision as to how to proceed. Is this something that you can mediate between the girls, is this something where you just need to model the desired behavior....by stepping in & talking with them? OR is it time to talk with the mom & ask her to have a session with the girls so she can also see 1sthand what's up?
I'm a huge advocate for honesty in relationships. Be very aware that you may lose your friendship with the Mom if you address the issues between your children. & be prepared to hear complaints about your own child! It's quite frequently a two-way street when it comes to issues such as this!
Which brings me to one more thought: you mentioned that your son got "greens", but your daughter is getting "yellow & oranges". Please don't compare your children...every child is different! & this other girl may not be the only reason "why" this is happening......sounds like it's time to consult with the teacher!
I have a few friends whose parenting styles are different from mine. And despite friendships that are sometimes decades old, I just haven't made an effort to get our kids together. I will suggest coffee dates, window shopping, dinner n drinks...Because I enjoy her adult company but find her children's behavior to be just too much to take.
If you feel just too guilty, include her but be very clear on the rules and use a one-strike-you're-out policy. Meaning, if you tell the kids there will be no pushing and the little girl pushes anyway, the playdate is over and she goes home. Don't do it meanly...Just matter-of-fact.
