Feeling Inadequate

You are not alone! I feel the same way (but am now a single mom). I see mom's who seem to have it all together & then get to know them... they have the same issues! I think being a MOM is the most amazing and most challenging job in the WORLD!!!

my husband and i saw a councilor for a bit for these same reasons. i work 4 days a week, he has a high stress IT Job and does alot of work from home at night as well. it definately helped talking to a neutral person. here's what we worked out:

my theory is that everyone lives in the house and everyone causes part of the mess - so it shouldn't be left up to you to do the cleaning for everyone - if it means that all shoes come off at the door - to help cut down on the dirt on the floor - by all means that is what has to be done.

cleaning - the deal was he was to keep his bathroom clean and i was to do mine.... well he wasn't keeping up with his bathroom and being pregnant at the time - it was getting to hard to wash the tub etc.... so he agreed to hiring someone to clean the house every 2 weeks - for atleast while i was preg - mostly for cleaning the 2 bathrooms, the kitchen (b/c they are the germiest)and our bedroom (changing the sheets too) - not the kids rooms - they needed to learn to do clean their own rooms. He soon realized that by having someone else do it - i wasn't spending the whole day on saturday scrubbing everything down -and i wasn't nagging him as much to help. I could guarantee that everything was deep cleaned every 2 weeks and i was just doing spot cleaning in between visits (wiping counters down every night, vaccuming every couple of days etc) and their still is the laundry/dishes to do. i did have to remind him that she was there to clean the house - not be our maid - she couldn't clean the floor if she couldn't see it - so the clothes still needed to be picked up off the floor, all the mail still needed to be cleaned off the counter etc. but he agreed to keep the house cleaner after the preg.

"Mad Minute" there are times where you look around and the place is a mess - especially on the weekends when we're all home all day - or in and out all day - i call a mad minute (more like 5-10 minutes) - everyone stops what they are doing and helps clean up at the same time - like in the living room - i say mad minute - we put away all toys, fold the blankets on the couch, any cups are brought into the kitchen, the floor is vaccumed, and the coffee table is cleared off/wiped down. imagine if all those tasks were divided among all 4 of you - it's 10-15 minutes of cleaning between all 4 of you instead of 1 hour just for you. mad minute in the kids bedrooms, even your room - means all laundry needs to be put away, toys put away etc.

Trash - our trash day is monday - so sunday night we have a trash mad minute - the kids go get the trash bins from the bathroom/bed rooms, husband emptys out the kitchen trash, i put the recycling together (paper, and cans/bottle/glass), and we all bring it to the curb - again 4 people doing it gets done in 1 trip vs. 1 person doing it in 4 trips... then the kids bring in the barrels after school the next day. if we happen to be home on saturday in the yard etc... i might even put the trash out on saturday - it annoys my husband to have the trash out that early - but it's more annoying for me to be bugging him on monday morning on his way out the door that it's trash day.

laundry - if you do it all and fold it - put it in their rooms for them to put away (maybe help the kids put theirs away - but it is something that you do together). but your husband can definatly put his own clothes away. i found that once my husband realized how much laundry their was he was a bit more aware about what he deemed was dirty or not - like he'd put on a shirt, decide that he wanted to wear something else and change - but instead of putting the first shirt back it was easier for him to ball it up and put it in the hamper - once he was putting his own clothes away - he was a bit smarter about it. he was taking 2 showers a day - morning and night and using a new towel for each shower - now he uses a towel for 2 days before he puts it in the laundry.

we all have our own laundry basket - and i'd just keep stacking his clothes in the basket in front of his closet. now realize that that basket was always there with the clean clothes - and was never fully put away.... but aleast it was all in one spot, and if he was out of clean boxers, and he'd have to put the clean laundry away to find clean boxers that were at the bottom of the clean pile.

dishes - baby bathtime - after dinner he'd go sit on the couch to watch some TV and unwind.... meanwhile i was giivng my daughter a bath, preparing for bed etc, and then once she was in bed - i'd be in the kitchen doing the dinner dishes - usually emptying the clean dishwasher only to reload it, putting left overs away, possibly even trying to make some lunch for the next day, and if i was overly ambitious, take out some sort of meat for dinner the next night..... it'd be alteast 9PM - probably closer to 10PM before i was done and then i was ready for bed..... so he agreed, that while i was doing the baby routine, he would do the kitchen routine at the same time - so we were both done by 8 now and could spend 8-9 together... then i'd go to bed and he'd be back on the laptop working. some nights we switch.... but we're both doing something. you could split this as kitchen duty and homework duty or something like that.

your boys are also definatley old enough to start helping out too - making sure all their dirty laundry is in the hamper, atleast bringing their own dirty dishes to the sink - not leaving them on the table for you. bringing their shoes into their room -not leaving them by the front door, or all over the living room floor.

my daughter is almost 2 and she helps with the laundry we have a front loading washer - so it's real easy for her to help put the laundry in... and then she stands in front and helps pull it out, then we move the basket in front of the dryer and she helps put it in, and then when that's done she helps pull it out again. then i fold it - and if it is her laundry - i have her socks and bibs in these canvas bins... so as i fold a pair of socks and she goes and put it in the bin, then i give her a bib and she goes and puts it away - and just keeps going back and forth. it's a bit of directing and management of her - but it's nice doing laundry w/ someone (even if she's 2) and i'm teaching her good habits so when she gets older she knows what needs to be done. after bathtime i make her bring her dirty clothes from the bathroom floor to the hamper in her room. she gets excited now for her "little job". same thing with the trash - when she'd done her juicebox, or box of raisins etc... i instruct her to put it in the trash.

"relations" - as bad as it sounds - on sunday night we'd look at the schedule for the week - it'd be like - "ok i have to be at work early on tuesday - so that discounts monday night, you have a meeting on thursday... we have dinner plans w/ friends on friday... so how does wednesday sound to you" and we'd pick a night that would work for us - he wouldn't open the laptop, we'd even eat of paper plates that night - so there wouldn't be as many dishes to do that night, no discussing bills, "honey do lists" etc.....so once my daughter was in bed we'd spend the time together for the rest of the night. watch a show, or movie, talk about our days, etc - do anythign as long as we were doing it together and interacting together.

hope this helps

I hear ya .... I was actually going to post something like this.... I am a SAHM......... with 2 children, 8yrs and 2yrs. I honestly cant keep up with everything, between general clean up of the house, laundry, shopping, cooking, and giving the kids and husband time too. I really dont know how working mothers do it!!

The only thing I can say, is to let some things go. Laundry will be there 2morro. Perhaps take a closer look at why your children are acting this way. And for bedroom time w/ your hubby, sometimes it is good to plan a date night w/ him, even if it is at home, order some take out and watch a movie with him, spend some time alone, let the kids know they need to be in bed early on that night. Take time for yourself as well, what ever it is you like to do, plan to do it once a month.

I hope you can get over the way you are feeling, look at the positives, and see that you have wonderful children that you are taking wonderful care of. I think we all get caught up in the same old routine, I know I do, do something out of the ordinary......... Everyone is a wonderful person in one way or another!!!
Best of Luck

Boy, I was just looking for where to click on to remove myself from this website's e-mails when I read your post and I had to respond. I too, feel very inadequate as a Mother and housewife. I also work outside the home, part-time, while my 7 year old is in school. I have a three year old that works with me. (I work at a preschool)I do always feel like I cannot keep up with daily chores and taking care of the kids and be a good wife to my Husband, who, by the way, does all of the dishes and the laundry! Even with the most helpful Husband in the world, my house is still a mess all of the time! I guess I don't really have any advice, just know that there are other people out there, struggling too! Take care and good luck!

Hi L.,
First of all... never say I "only" work part time outside the home. You work outside the home and FULLTIME at home caring for your children and doing all you do to keep your home running smoothly. Sometimes we have to let a ball drop, so if the dishes don't get done immediately... so be it, they will get done. Is your husband helpful with household chores? What about the kids...do they have specific responsibilities? These things can help lighten your load a bit... We have our days when we feel like failures, or just frustrated with everything we can't get done. When that happends I try to look at everything I did get done and remember to put things back on my to do list for tomorrow. Hang in there, you are not alone! As for time with your husband... sometimes you have to schedule it, it can still be romantic even if it's scheduled! And time for yourself... always difficult to find, but maybe your husband or a family member or friend can lend a hand. I joined an activity that I enjoy that meets once a month... that way it doesn't overwhelm me every week to try to find someone for the kids (I have three and work full time) as often but I still feel like I'm getting some me time.
Good luck, hang in there... you work hard, remind yourself everyday of that!
M.

you are not a failure.. you are a mom.. we all go thru that.. you described my life exactly except that my younger one is only 4! I thought I could do it all, but truth is, I just can't. You can try to rally the kids into helping you with the housework (my 9 yr old folds towels and the 4 yr old folds the facecloths). just little things that will make your day a bit easier. I don't work outside of the home and I can't keep up either. it's normal.

L....

I DON'T work & I still feel the same way!! There never seems to be enough hours in the day! When my husband comes home he wants me to be able to "hang out" with him, but then complains that the bathroom isn't clean!!
I just had surgery on my foot last week, so for the last week, he has had to cook, clean, food shop, etc... Last night he kind of had a meltdown! I have to be honest, I almost laughed!! Welcome to my world!!
Hang in there.... It has to get better! Take some time to talk with your hubby, tell him you're stressed, and maybe he can help out. (maybe ?!)

K. :)

Spend at least 5 mins each day feeling grateful about 3 things. You will find that you will gain more energy, feel more positive and ready to handle any and all situations. You need to get out of your funk and probably, all the other problems may get very small or disappear. I was taught this exercise and feel so much better and happier.

I lived through these feelings, while married and even more so when a single mother. I got some outside help to assist me as I was literally running myself to the ground. I'll lend you some things I learned over the years:

First off, we women tend to absorb the idealization of over simplification our society makes of mothering and homemaking. It isn't easy, it ain't glamorous and damn it, it isn't always rewarding either! Worse off, we only get recognized one day a year and we never get paid.

With that in mind, please try to see outside the box. We are humans, not machines. What is most important to you? A clean house or emotionally healthy kids?

Does anyone in the household help out with chores? I don't care what people say, a mother should not be saddled with every single responsibility, women are not born maids!

Its time for you to begin to demand that the family participate and take responsibility. This will require some work on your part and some real resolve to be stubborn and also to withdraw and let things fall apart a bit for awhile until they catch on.

Get Dad and the kids to begin to do rudimentary daily chores and also have a "Clean Up Day" once a week in the house. That may mean that the kids have to give up some weekend activities, but well -- that's tough, taking care of the household is number one and respecting and helping mom is as well.

Your sons need to learn early -- sooner the better -- that women are not slaves to them. At 9 and 7 they are old enough to help out in the kitchen in preparing dinner and the table, to pick up their clothes, put them in the washer and dryer and learn to fold and put them away. Dad can help with the dishes at night and help you to enforce the rules with the kids.

One the weekends, the kids can spend two or three hours in the morning cleaning house; vaccum, mop floors, clean up the bathroom and any other chores around the house. THEN AND ONLY THEN do they get to have their own play time.

Make up a schedule and make them stick with it. Assign chores or have them pick chores out of a hat or rotate weekly and daily chores. Start an allowance which is earned only if they complete their weekly and daily tasks. As they cooperate you can also put in time limits (must be finished by noon, etc.). Reward good behavior and punish refusals with restriction on activities (no one goes out until chores are done, no friends over tomorrow if the clothes aren't pick up, etc.). Get Dad assist on the enforcement end and also to provide an example. On "Clean-up Day" everyone has a chore or two to do, so its a group activity.

Not only will having them help out help you eventually (this is no easy road to hoe at first) but also you will inculcate in them a good work ethic and sense of mutual responsibility but also respect for the work mom does around the house (which will transfer into respect and more rounded understanding for the future women in their lives).

You aren't a failure, no way, not even if the house is a hell-hole. Never let such trivia be the marker of your identity.

I'd also suggest that you look into some recreational activities for yourself. What would you like to do that you haven't had time for? A painting class? A new hobby? Going to the gym? Meeting friends? When the kiddies get to go out to play SO DO YOU. Capiche?

Hope this helps.

Hi L.,

I read about half of the responses and I would like to add some thoughts:
Manage your expectations and focus on what's important. Disappointment comes from not meeting expectations. Other moms have mentioned this and I totally agree. I learned this the hard way. There are days I just don't do laundry or dishes because it's simply too much. These are circular chores that are never really done. If my husband says anything, I tell him I just didn't get to it and he understands.

I thought I could do it all as a stay at home mom with one child who works once a week. Then my husband told me that he didn't like seeing me all stressed out and asked me what would help. The two most helpful things that came out of that conversation were:

1) we hired someone to clean our house once a month and that has been the best $90 a month we have ever decided to spend. If you have to give up on cable or something else, I recommend you try it. Actually, no cable might give you all more time together to spend as a family. If they protest, tell them it's either cable or helping with chores.

2) I send my son one extra day a week to daycare so I can have time for myself. It gives me time to do what I need for peace of mind. Sleep, catch up with work, chores or get a pedicure.

3) dates:every now and then my husband takes the afternoon off of work and we have an afternoon date while our son is at daycare. If you can't do that, find friends or family to take your kids out for 2 or 3 hours on a weekend. Also, you can establish a set date night. Tell your kids that Mom is off the clock at 8pm for example and that if they want a story read or a cuddle it has to be before that time. Do that every night and on date nights you can watch a movie and get take out and spend some time with your husband.

4) I get a morning off on sundays to sleep in or go to my yoga class. Suring the week my husband gives me a couple more mornings off when he takes care of our son's breakfast and I can sleep in an extra hour...

It seems that sometimes money can solve many problems. If you can't work fewer hours or pay for extra help then you definitely need to set up a household schedule like Katie Talbert suggested. Also remember that the house doesn't have to be perfect for your kids to have a happy healthy childhood.

Another suggestion I have is to find a friend that you could exchange afternoons off: one afternoon she takes both kids and another one you take both of her kids... you can do it every other week or twice a week. You could set it up with two different families, one for each child... It's a great way to get free time off.

I am sharing what I have learned in hopes that it will help you. Take care of yourself first and know that you can be a great mom without keeping a perfect house.

A.

I was in tears last week as I was trying to make cookies for my daughter's teachers, and they weren't turning out right. I felt like I couldn't do anything right!
Everyone else seems to have a cleaner house, and is more organized, cooks better etc.
not sure if i have any great advice for you, but i think we need to give ourselves a break. no one is perfect , and altho' you remember your mom as having "done it all", she prbably felt like you at times, and i bet your children will remember you "doing it all" and doing great too!
good luck, keep smiling
L.

My only advice is to check out www.flylady.net

One of her mottos is "progress not perfection" and for those of you who mentioned negative self talk, she's great for that as well.

Its free. Please try it.

My house isn't perfect either. My laundry is not done as it should be.But I have learned not to be so self defeating. And I would think that maybe it only seemed like your mom had it all done perfectly all the time. I bet she didn't either!!

Good Luck!

Hi L.

As you can see from all the responses, you are not alone in this!

Here's my suggestion: name it. Tell your husband you would like to talk to him about your feelings and that you do not expect him to do anything to change it, but that you just need to talk. Tell him how you feel. Let it land in his mind. Let him think, tell him to take his time, and then wait for his response. You might be surprized. Make it a "we" problem and not a "me" problem. In other words, say something like, "I am concerned about how stretched I feel, and I worry about how that affects our relationship. What can we do to carve out some time that is good for both of us?" Making it a "we" thing takes competition and defensiveness out of the situation. Be honest and thoughtful. Take your time. That, in and of itself, will feel like a vacation. Please feel free to message me privately if you want to talk this out some more ;-)

S.

Hi L.,
Do not be so hard on yourself. I work full-time from home and still house not clean, etc. Get a family member or good friend to take your boys for a weekend and go away with your husband (or stay at home without the kids) and enjoy eachother alone. I don't know how our mother's did it but I have given up trying to be wonder woman.

I dont necessaryily feel inadequate but stressed is certainly the word for me. I have done both roles, stay at home mom and now I work about 40 hours a week. Its hard to keep the house clean, stay on top of mouthy kids and do the million other things life demands from us. When I feel overwhelmed I taolk to my husband and he steps it up a bit for me and takes some of the pressure off. I also do things for me even when the house is trashed.
I would talk to your spouse, Try to take some time out for you to de stress. If you are feeling depressed u should def talk to your doctor. You are a busy woman who is doing the best she can...

I feel this way too, and it is mostly because I say negative things to myself. My hubby and children are very loving and do not expect me to be "supermom". I am making a conscious effort to say kind things to myself in my head-- instead of, "Look how much I didn't get to today," its, "Look at what I got done,". I also say these things in front of my kids. Our newest phrase is, "I rock". I say this after I've done something that got no praise from anyone. My eight-year old always smiles, and many times echoes the praise.
As silly as saying positive things in your head sounds, it actually changes brain chemistry, and makes you feel better, so listen to your self talk, and try saying nice things to yourself.

I also go to a mom-to-mom program which I love. It is a program every friday, with childcare, where a speaker talks about parenting issues, we break for delicious food and tea, and then we break into small groups of moms to talk about the speaker and what is going on in our lives. It is amazing. There may be one in a church near you, most of these programs are non-denominational, but have a christian bent, so aren't for everyone. But, this kind of support group is just wonderful. It definitely fills me up.
But-- know that you are not alone-- I think we all feel this way at least from time to time.

Hi L.,
I don't know if I can help you - but reading your request certainly helped ME - LOL. I'm 45, mother of an 8 and 6 year old, work 24 hrs per week outside the home (but try to squeeze in another 8 hours at home after they go to sleep ) - similar to you - and my world is spinning out of control! Haven't had a "me" moment in 9 years, I'd say. My house hasn't been dusted in a year - we have to fight through the clutter, I currently have 5 loads of laundry to fold and put away, etc., etc.. If you could see my world, you'd feel like you were doing a great job! So, trust me - there are others out there more inadequate than you, if that helps. And those who say they have it all together either are lying or have better support systems - i.e. husbands who take on more of the load, cleaning lady, etc., etc. I know lots of other moms just like me - they just don't admit it at first. So stop worrying. It sounds like you are doing the best that you can do, and that's all anybody ever needs to do.

I know how you feel ..My house is the same way and I have 3.1girl age 7 and 2 boys 8 and 1 1/2 it gets crazy and I feel like you do and I work 25-35 hours a week. I just set a schedule pick days for cleaning and the kids help out and then we have "family day" where wea all pick something to do...This may help its helped here.good luck

There have been so many good ideas! Thanks for posting this request. So many moms feel like this at one point or another. I especially liked Stacey K's response. It takes a lot of strength though to just start doing those kinds of things and get out of old habits. Maybe not from your end since you have a great reason for wanting a change but you need a lot of support from your husband especially having two kids 9 and 7. I cant even imagine. I tried a lot of those techniques with zero support and it's impossible to make it work. If it gets to that point see a counselor.

Well, I am feeling your pain and I only work 12 hours, if that outside the home!! My children are young, but I feel like I never get anything done!! My husband makes sure the world stops so he can cut the grass. But, who watches the kids so I can do all the house cleaning and laundry???? NO one!! I am not sure that I have an answer for you, I just wanted you to know that I too, feel your pain!

Not that this is the solution to all of your problems, but have you ever watched the show "Supernanny"? It is not just very helpful hints on child-rearing...she does everything! She even has a book. Just check it out. There are many moms/women out there that feel the way that you do right now, but the only solution is to take charge of your life. No one, but you, will be able to do it. It takes hard work, dedication, and consistancy. If the boys are disrespecting you, then you need help showing them who is the boss and that certain behavior will NOT be tolerated or accepted. Good luck.

First of all, being a mom is nothing to feel inadequate about. Two boys at that age is no easy task. I really believe simplifying your life will help. What I mean, is prioritize. Make a list of what is more important, ie...working on your relationship with your boys, trying to get them to respect you. I think that will make a world of difference. When they respect you, they will see how hard you work and how much you love them, and they will help you. Try also giving them responsibilities, I dont like to use the word chores, but make them responsible for certain things. This will do two things, help you and give you more time and give them a sense of accomplishment and they will feel needed.

Make mini goals for yourself and reward yourself when you get there. Take care of yourself it is VERY IMPORTANT....you are now good to anybody if you are worn out and exhausted. Eventually it will catch up to you. Remember you are the mother and they are the children, you make the rules and set the tone for the day.

Hope this helps, good luck!!!!

L.,
are your kids going ot remember you for your clean house? no they will remember you for t;he; fun things you have done with them. focus on those things get your kdis to take some respondsiblities around the house even small they can do something. you may want to speak to your md about depression ..... lack of energy low sexual drive these can all be indications of depression. which everyone goes through at some point in their life and not something to fool around with.... take time for yourself and pamper yourself treat yourself to a spa day pedicure something your a great mom giv e yourself some credit take care warmly K. d mother of 1yr ,8 11 and 13

L.,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I am a SAHM of two girls 5 1/2 and 18 months. As I am typing this I am looking at my cluttered kitchen table thinking, I swear I said I would clean it up yesterday... you just can't do it all. Even working part-time, it leaves you less time for the house work and that is OK. I am sure you have homework, baths, playtime, etc. to be had when your kids get out of school and that is important. If your kitchen or bath is not sparkling, at least you had that time with your kids. I know for myself, the last thing at the end of a long day that I want to do is be intimate with my husband, not because I am not interested, but because I am exhausted. You and your husband should have a talk about it and it may sound corny, but schedule that time in for you both. Also, every now and again, take a Saturday for yourself or an evening during the week. Even if you are just going to your local mall to window shop, you'll feel refreshed after wards. Good luck with everything, but you have to remember, times have changed and things are not as they were when your mom was raising you, you can't do it all, we are super moms, but that doesn't mean that our homes have to be completely clean, tidy up, and have your boys help, but that is if time allows. :)

L.,
I think every mom has experienced at least once what you are going through and if they tell you they haven't they may not be telling the truth. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 6 years and it's the hardest job I've ever had. My boys are now 6 & 4 1/2 and on days that I just can't get it all done I leave it. Later that night or first thing in the morning before the boys get up I'll throw in a load of laundry & empty the dishwasher. My children are expected to clear their plates and put them in the dishwasher, make their beds and clean up all toys when done. sometimes it's easier (and faster) to do it on our own but in the long run it's not helpful. Every saturday morning my husband takes the boys to their Karate class & I have my alone time. Every saturday like clockwork. I leave the house, get my coffee and do what I need to do for me. Take some time for yourself. You'll feel better.

You are not alone! You sound very tired.... Start by doing one thing fun for yourself and forget the perfection thing. Focus on your own feelings of self worth and get professional help if things don't change. Hang in there! God bless!

Hi L.,
No one is perfect. June Cleaver and Jane Wyatt (from Father Knows Best), the "perfect, pearl-and-dress-wearing, never-rumpled, always-had-chores-caught-up" fifties television moms were fictitious characters.
Life is messy. Running a family takes a lot of work, and a lot of help. And TEAM EFFORTS. Everybody who lives in your home has to help, because that is what a family does. Period. If everybody helps, there will be time for a family round of golf, or a trip to the ice-cream stand.If they don't, there won't, and Mom will be stressed out, simple as that.Get your husband to step off his judgemental pedestal, roll up his sleeves, and make a family effort to help out. You didn't have those babies by yourself, now did you? THe secret here is mutual respect and team work. Kid your husband, cajole him, reward him, whatever it takes, get your partner to BE a REAL partner in this. It will also set a wonderful example for your kids to see too.
There ARE no perfect moms. THe closest to perfect are the most loving ones.
I had one of those, and we all want to be one. You can too.
Big hugs,
A Mom and Grandma

Because no one is doing it. I find that the more I get to know other moms the more I realize that their houses are only clean when they have a party or something special. Try surprising some of them and you will find their house is a mess. Its just part of the territory. I remember my mom's house was perfect as well, but I think it was because that's what it is now without kids and that's how I remember it. I am not sure if it really was a clean as I remember. If I think hard, I can picture toys everywhere.

Over the last year I've come to realize that the time in which I'm home with my child - nothing else really gets done and nor should it. I'm home for a reason - to be with him. I've tried being available for work, cooking multi-stepped dinners, cleaning, etc but it never works. He's always compromised and I don't feel like I'm with him. Sure we go out and run errands - but he loves to do that. And now that he's older he can "help" me with things - but I've learned that things will be done at his level. It means having to do more in the evenings after he's done and making phone calls, etc from work - and that can be stressful. I know I'm lucky that I have husband who has a high tolerance for clutter, loves to cook dinner and has started to help out a little more. And it has been very helpful having him stay home with our son a couple days - all day long - particularly when he's been sick - so he can see what it's like. We've also hired someone to thoroughly clean the house a couple times a month. It's an expense, but we've made it work because it's been worth it. And I've also realized that my mother's housekeeping wasn't perfect. She cut corners where she could too.

Hi L.,
I'm a SAHM of 5 with one on the way, tho my hubby and the older kids do help out a little, the house is never "clean", we don't bother dusting (unless it gets done when my 1 year old pulls all the books off the shelf, or the toys all out). My older ones; a girl 15, boys 13, and 11, do some chores. My 15 and 11 year olds love to cook, so I let them, and my 11 yo cleans the kitchen, my 13 yo cleans the living room, and they all clean their rooms. My 15 yo has a job at a little store down the street, so her chores are limited (the boys don't understand why she doesn't have a big chore) she cleans out the fridge once a week, and vaccums and sweeps on the weekend, as well as weed wacking. My 3 yo picks up most of her toys, but her brother runs behind pulling them all out, he's starting to learn to put in instead of out all the time. But dispite all this, as soon as a hore is done, it looks like it never was... they get discouraged, and so do I. It's a neverending job, but even if you work outside the home (I did till 3.5 years ago) remember you also hold a full time job on top of that.. There were a LOT of wonderful suggestions here, and I for one will be taking them to heart.
Just do your best, and know that is all anyone expects of you, good luck to you, and know you are definately NOT alone.

C.

Hi L. - take heart... you are not alone! First things first - life is meant to be lived...!! Your house will wait - you have one chance to raise your children. Take it.

It seems your boys are at an age where it's time for them to start taking some responsibility in the house. If everyone cleans up after themselves, then there won't be so much pressure on you. (Hey - your husband can pitch in too.)

Speaking of your husband - find time for the two of you. He needs to be on board as well, so your first "dates" should be talking about how everyone can work together - the bonus for him is that he'll get more of you!

And lastly - everything has a season... This too shall pass. Lighten up - have fun! And hire a cleaning lady.

Don't feel like you must do it all! Can you get help with cleaning/housework/meals? Do you want to work part time? Don't let the boys get away with disrespecting you, Can your husband speak to them about that? Do the boys have chores? Allow them to help with shopping, meal prep, general help around the house. You need to make one night a month for you to get out to do what you prefer. Can you get a sitter for the children and also have date night with your husband? We sometimes prepare meals for the week on weekends and freeze them to save time. Good Luck.

I think we all feel this way now and again. Lower your standards a little, meaning, instead of trying to have the whole house clean at the same time, focus on one task (or room) a day. Don't worry about occasionally ordering in or making a healthy frozen pizza for dinner (Amy's Organic makes some great ones)--that and a quick salad will get you out of the kitchen and at the table with your hubby and kids within 15 minutes. As for your husband? Tell him the best foreplay is helping around the house. :) You'll be a little more awake, he'll be a little more tired, and maybe you can meet somewhere in the middle. L. M.

I SO feel your pain. I am a mom of only ONE and I work at night, and still can't get anything done during the day. I'm usually too tired - and by time I get home from work, I hardly see my hubby. I am hoping it gets better with time.
I am trying to set one night aside for myself - on a night I don't work - and go get my nails done, go shopping, or simply sleep! It is helping me feel more human!

I think it is time to do some delegating. Your boys are old enough to start doing simple chores around the house, taking out the garbage, watering the plants, dusting, setting the table, etc. You are not inadequate, life is much more complicated than when we were growing up. My mother and several of her friends always say how they would never want to raise children in these times. They tell me how they respect mothers who work and raise children and do it all so well. My mother and her friends honestly do not know how we do it.
When the boys start arguing separate them immediately. They will get the hint eventually that you will not tolerate fighting. If they disrespect you take something away, TV, computer, video games, whatever for a couple of days. There has to be consequences for their actions. I have been in education for 10 years nothing works better than consequences. Lecturing, yelling, talking about it does nothing but allow them to basically get away with it.
Making time for you and your husband is really important, so just make the time no matter what. Our daughter goes to her grandparents house for a few hours once a week on Fridays, so we can go to dinner and spend some one on one together.
You are not a failure and do not let anyone make you feel that way.

Hi L.,

To put it simply. Yes! Do I have many suggestions? No, but I'll be reading your replys!

Best Wishes
J. L.

It sounds as if you might be a bit depressed. It might help to discuss your feelings w/ a professional therapist.

I too went through feeling like you do and didn't realise I had depression, but with a great therapist I have been able to get out of my funk and feel a whole lot better. I am better with my childern, husband and can keep up w/ my responsibilities at work and home w/ out feeling so down on myself.

Dear L.,
I am so glad to read your post...I have a 8 month old daughter and a 14 year old step son and I recently, 2 months ago, started back to work Full-Time. Since going back to work things in our house have started to "fall apart" and I am having a very hard ttime seeing it happen and dealing with it. But I have been trying to not take it to heart as i knwo I am doing my best and if it means letting things fall apart so that my husband and step-son will see how much I did and that now I do not have time to do all of it alone, so be it. Let me tell you it's not easy and many nights I am so exausted just from work that I only have the energy to take care of my daughter and looking at the mess around me makes me so sad and depressed that I had to go back to work for financial reasons, not what I had wanted at all.

My priorities when I am not working are spening time with my daughter and making sure she has as much Mommy time as I can spare and making sure she has everything she needs for the next day etc. On the weekends I spend as much time with her as possible, even if the house work etc. has to wait.

As for my step-son getting him to "help out" without being asked is my constant headache! Dad is finally seeing that he should be expected to do more. All I can tell you is to start when they are young, I didn't have that chance as he only came to us when he was 10 ...he does his own laundry and has since he was 11 (he ruined too many of our clothes leaving pens, gum etc. in his pockets so he didn't have a choice - now all he ruins is his own) but getting him to do things that need doing without me nagging or him being asked is a constant battle. I have started making sure my daughters room and the living room are picked up and clean, everything else can fall apart (as much as it drives me nuts) as long as I have a clean peaceful place to spend time with her - I am trying to get over the fact that the rest of the house is a disasster... eventually they see it and are as frustrated as I am and help out, however it takes awhile. I also started telling my step-son NO when he wants me to take him somewhere or do something with him or wants money, explaining that I don't have time because there is so much other stuff that I have to do, and that if he helped out both his dad and I would have more time to spend with him and do things with him. It's a very hard transition...with not a very near end in sight, but it's the facts of life and I figure he better learn now.

I liked the idea of the "Mad Minute" someone suggested..I may try it myself. In the past I have also keps a list on the fridge of everything that needs to be done and let them pick what they want to do, saying choose three things to do each day, this gives him a choice and makes him feel as if he is in control of what he does. I don't give allowance but when he wants or needs something we explain that as part of living in our house you are expected to help out, if you don't there is no money to do what he wants. Sometimes it works sometimes it dosen't. We have in the past said when everything on this list gets done, together, we can all go out and do something together - ice cream, bowling etc. It's harder as they get older...just ake your priority you and your kids and don't feel so alone, your not!

As fro your relationship with hubby, I hear ya, and as of now i don't have a solution for you. Just don't let your relationship go so far that you can't get it back. Even a few minutes before bed at night to talkk quietly about only each other is a start.

Good luck, know your not alone!

Hi L.,
You need to remember that no one is perfect...no one! There's just not enough hours in a day to do all that needs to be done...and even if there were that many hours in a day who's to say we'd want to do everything, all of the time? I find that even if I do have time to do things I'm just too tired to do them! I'm only one person.
My one piece of advice is this: You have to get your husband to help out...and your kids too.
My husband works from roughtly 9:00 to 5:00 everyday. His job ends at 5:00 +/-, which means that my job (being home with the kids) ends at just about the same time! (well, at least until my husband comes home!). I work up to the point of making dinner and putting it on the table, after that everything becomes equal between my husband and myself. I'll give my girls a bath while my husband cleans up the table and dishes. Once the girls are in bed we both sit down and fold laundry, or pick up the house. Being home with your kids is a full-time job as it is. Who needs to be stressing about what they didn't get done during the day? Whatever didn't get done during the day will be done that night between my husband and myself, or it'll be there tomorrow.
Gone are the days when mothers/women are supposed to do EVERYTHING in the house.
Your kids are old enough to be helping out in the house as well. What are they learning if you do everything for them?
Good luck!

Time for myself only came when I join my Mom in card making. We LEAVE the house and that is the only way it happens. I also have no real time alone or out with friends with my husband. Lack of money and people we feel comfortable with the children. But I wanted to write to let you know, your not alone. I don't work at all and still can't keep up. WEll, I work 1 day for 4 hrs cleaning someone elses house(which makes me feel even more useless-I go back and the house isn't nearly as trashed as mine & it's been 1 week!) The house will get cleaned one day and within minutes of everyone being home I feel all my work was done in vain and useless. Sometimes I have the time but b/c I know it wont stay that way...I just don't do it.
Your not the only one out there and I'm really not sure how our mothers did a lot of things but I think it comes with time. Your not alone and your not inadequate. We're human.
About the bedroom, I'm not sure what to say, roles are reversed here and I will explain, being on the other side, it sucks and makes your spouse feel inadequate and that tey can't please you or turn you on as they feel they should. Hving a healthy sex life can makes things a lot better in a marriage. It also helps in so many more aspects that your marriage, life in general. Maybe going to an herbal store can help you with some natural product that could help you in that area. It is so much more important that people think. Honestly, I feel stupid even being on the oposite side as all my female friends but I am...
Hope this helps.

Oh my yes! I do feel that way sometimes. First and foremost, put away the guilt! It's hard to do everything. First, at 9 and 7 those boys are more than old enough to start helping you with things around the house if they don't already. Make a chore chart (or buy one, they have them around - Learning Express has them) and stick to it. Busy hands have less time to get into fights too! As for the fighting and the disrespect, we went through this for a while sometime back (and it cycles also so it won't be solved all the time forever) and we sat down and had a family meeting...kids set their own rules for the house/car/when out with our guidance and also set the consequences. We made a visible list and we really stuck to it (and still do but things are much better now) There is NO reason for your kids to disrespect you, don't put up with that. But the secret to it is to be consistent with your reaction/tolerance and punishments, and that means both of you, hubby too! As for bedroom time, we have a "date" once a week for that and we try really hard to stick to it unless one of us is sick or something. It can be the same day each week or change if you need it to. And you MUST make time for yourself. If that means you don't get all the laundry done that day, too bad! Pick something that you love to do, or do nothing! Give yourself some time and certainly some credit! We Mom's work very hard for our families, and we deserve some time too! Get those boys working with you! Good luck.

WOW! You sound just like me! I actually work 20 hours per week (mother's hours) and have two girls (13 and 8). I finally came to the conclusion that I need to ditch the job. I felt like I was always running behind on everything. I'm hoping that when I am home full-time, I will be able to get my house in order, actually have home-cooked meals for a change, and maybe pay a little more attention to my poor husband (he truly is neglected). Hopefully it will work out. I mean, I really don't make all that much money at my part-time job to warrant the craziness that goes on because of it. I am also a consultant with Arbonne, and I think being at home will allow me more time to concentrate on building that business.
If you can swing it, I would ditch the job or at least work less hours. We can only do so much in a day!
Good luck. Call me if you need a sympathetic ear (I find that most women would love to have my schedule - the grass is always greener!)

M.

I used to feel the same way and some days I still do. My husband and I work full time and share responsibilies in and outside the house. I took a lot of time to teach my children certain chores and the expectation is that they complete their chores every Friday (they each have a bathroom to clean: counter, sink, mirror, sweep and toilet). They also sort recycling, collect towel and sweep or vacuum stairs. This took a long time to impliment, but it frees me up to do dishes and laundry. I have made meals easier by finding a lot of shortcuts (making extra and freezing, using precooked chicken etc). I'm famous for my "if you can make it, you can eat it and clean it up" night. We also have a leftover night, where I put out all the leftovers from the last several days.
I'm sure you will get a lot of great advise from people here, but the biggest thing is to let yourself be imperfect! All my friends know if they come to visit, that my table will have things on it and my coffee table has my school work and bills piled. The house is clean, but cluttered!
Good luck! (And try to do it all!)
M.