Feeling Lost on Discipline

A great author is Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family. He has lots of wonderful books packed full of parenting helps. He also has a website www.focusonthefamily.org . You can listen to his daily radio program there too.

Sorry for the typos, but I saw this and had to respond before I went to work. I have a 4 year old adopted daughter who has been home for 6 months and have many friends accross the country- some who have experienced pretty difficult experiences.
First I understnad how these difficult behaviors can make you wonder who you are! Why are you feeling not like yourself and not in control? You are not alone.
Second, I recommend you find a therapist QUICK who has experience in attachment. Most therapsit do not. We have one that has worked with us and helps our 11 year deal with his feelings over the way his sister makes him feel and the changes in our house. I am guessing this 13 year is in survival mode and does not have great trust of people. Women (Moms) are generally the receipient of attachment issues. Hang in there.

Third- Resources- I encourage you to search the interent for Attachment websites. If you email me I have some (____@____.com) Books- The Connected Child, Parenting the Hurt Child, and I have c ouple others in my books shleves I can recommend. Really--- Hang in there, talk to people who understnad. This is a different kind of parenting and your adopted son's reactions could also be not just related to picking up bad examples, but related to his own grief and feelings.

I will second on the books that got reccomended. Your hubby also needs to cut you some slack because during pregnancy women get very hormonal and it's how it is.It is not going to last forever, hang in there.Another thing about the 13 year old....I have noticed from your profile that you're only 23. I wonder if she sees you as a sister /friend figure more than a mother since there is only 10 year age differance.I do not know if it matters...

Hi. I am a SAHM of a 10, 6, 3, and 6mo old. I understand the discipline issues. Even with me home we have them all the time. I recommend Making children mind without losing Yours by Kevin Leman and Dare to Discipline by Dr James Dobson, the Dobson book has a new version that he has added a few things to as well called, the New Dare to discipline. As for you getting upset, it is your emotions and hormomnes from being pregnant, and your husband should understand that and learn to deal with it. They only last about a year...you have to give yourself a few months after birth to return to normal!!! :) I would be glad to help you out in any way I can.

The best book I've found, by far, is 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan. It's fantastic. It is used by schools, psychologists and in many times, for kids with behavior issues or ADHD. It's an easy read, and there is a 1-2-3 Magic for Christian Parents, which gives a Christian perspective to the discipline system. I would highly recommend this book!

I don't have any additional books to recommend, but I wanted to just say, with my 6 year old, any time there is a big change (like school starting or ending, even for a week long break), we go through what often feels like a very long readjustment time. Up until those changes, we also feel that sense of "hey, things are going pretty well here", and then it seems like everything goes crazy for a little while. I noticed you said that you felt things were going well till school started up again, and I'm wondering how many of the behavior issues were triggered by the change in schedules and locations, as well as the people with whom your children are both spending their days now. I think part of it in terms of the discipline is that kids just respond differently to teachers than they do parents. I don't think they feel the need to test quite as much at school because the routine is so set and the expectations in virtually every situation are so well outlined. Of course, that's not always the case at home. Things are much more variable at home than at school. Having said that, I'll also add, when my stress level is elevated and my temper is short, my children, whether I'm taking it out on them directly or not, pick up on my mood very quickly, and it shows in bad behavior. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad about your temper, but to point out that your moods may be a large part of why the kids seem to be slipping. It's very normal to feel a lot of anger during pregnancy, especially right there in the middle portion. While a lot of that is hormones, you may also want to examine what things are triggering your temper to see if there is a consistent cause for your frustration. If you can pinpoint those triggers, you can plan ahead how you will deal with them in the future or possibly how to avoid them altogether. It won't eliminate your irritation entirely, but the more aware you are, the less likely you are to lose it completely. If you feel that your anger is above and beyond hormones and relatively normal stress, you may want to seriously consider seeing a counselor about it (try checking with your church if you attend one--they often have individuals who will provide Christian based counseling). Best of luck to you!

Hi R.,
On Wednesday November 5th from 7:00 - 9:00 pm we are co-sponsoring a workshop "10 Keys to a More Stress-Free School and Home". The presentation will be given by Kirk Martin who is a nationally known speaker and is the founder of Celebrate!Calm. He has trained over 40,000 parents and teachers. His strategies are helpful for all families, especially those with intense children.
I am the owner/director of a brain training facility that works with improving attention, short and long term memory, auditory and visual processing, processing speed, logic/reasoning, reading and computation. We decided to co-sponsor this event because we work with many families that need additional resources. The cause of behavioral problems is usually more than one driving force and this is true for the solutions as well.
The workshop is free for parents and teachers. It is open to all religious affilations. The workshop is at Temple Beth El 5101 Providence Rd. Charlotte 28226

V. Parker, Ph.D.
Director, Learning Rx
www.learningrx.com/Charlotte

First of all you are only human and bless your soul for taking in a troubled child. Don't be too hard on yourself; you came to a good place to seek guidance. I love reading John Rosemond. He is a child psychologist/expert, and teaches Christian values as well. His website has his weekly newspaper column, and his books are excellent. His Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children is fantastic; I've read it. He is no nonsense and doesn't do psychobabble. He recommends the kinds of parenting our grandparents did, and there wasn't ADHD and all the behavior problems back then.

First of all, though, (and he recommends this) is that your marriage comes first. The kids need to learn that the home life revolves around your marriage and your needs - not them. This is exactly the opposite of what most people do (and most people's kids are self centered, spoiled, and helpless, and their marriages aren't too hot). You'll get back on track. Also, I know it's hard, but if you can take your emotions out of dealing with your kids, it will help a lot. Think about a good grandparent, who isn't around the grandkids all the time, and how he/she isn't phased by their boorish behavior. They aren't as emotionally involved, and are able to deal with the situation without getting upset, because they don't take the behavior personally. You'll get through this. I do highly recommend John Rosemond.

I love to tell people about Personality Plus for Parents. It is written by Florence Littaurer, you can order it from Barnes and Nocble. I'm not sure it realtes exactly to what you are dealing with now, but understanding personalities has helped me a great deal. When my kids were a little younger (9 & 11 now) I would get so mad about stuff. Once I realized why they did what they did, It helped me to be more understanding. It really is a great book. One you will refer back to for a long time.

Hey R.,

The best books I have read about children and how not to lose your mind while living with them are the books by Dr.James Dobson. Two of my favorites are The Strongwilled Child and Dare to Discipline. I hope they help. I admire your courage for taking troubled child into your home. I did the same sort of thing when my kids were growing up. If you need to talk, feel free to email me. God bless you and your family and hang in there. B. B

Anything by James Dobson would be good. Any Christian bookstore will have several to choose from.

Reading a few books will only tire you out and leave you more sleep deprived. :) I'm only kindof kidding here. Seriously, praying is your best best. Then come up with a plan that you and your spouse are together on for every scenerio under the sun. Then when it happens you are ready and stick to the plan. I say be consistent, if you accidentally make a threat like "If you yell one more time in the store you are not going to the party." then you better stick to it and NO PARTY! Even if it means pain for you.
Older kids are tough, but try your best to be a listener to what they are saying and then you can tell them you understand their point, but as the mom you must do this...

Hope this helps. God Bless,
Amanda

One more thing, go over your 'plan' with your kids up front so their are no surprises. Like if you remember to call us from your friends at 7:00 we will let you stay another hour. Then they know if they do call and check in they can stay later if not they better be home on time or the consequence comes. I really like plans that try and reward the good behavior. It sets up their mental thinking on the right path.

R.,

Thanks for your honesty. It is nice to know I am not the only one having anger issues lately. I feel so guilty when I lose control and start yelling at my family. Thank God I am not a violent person or someone in my house may have got stabbed with a fork or something!!! Just kidding. They just act like morons sometimes and I get so sick of correcting everyone's behavior. It probably doens't help that you are pregnant. I am going to try really hard not to react this week. I am finding the less I respond to the back talk and craziness the better it is. The minute the mom in the house losses it everyone losses it. This includes my husband. I think everyone looks to us to find things, be loving and kind, and kind of hold the house together emotionally. It is a big job.

Do you think that where you're having a baby of your own now they might feel like you'll abandon them after the baby is born?

Maybe reassure them that you will still love them after the baby comes. Start walking with them after school. Tell them you need the exercise and being pregnant you don't want to walk alone. This will give you some great quality time with them. If they talk, great! If not, you're still having quality alone time with them. Talk to your Dr. about the anger feelings. Maybe he could teach you relaxation exercises or prescribe relaxation massages which could be covered by insurance. I used to listen to a hypno birthing tape which would relax and recharge me when I woke.

Hope that helps a little. Congratulations on the baby.

God Bless

I use a great book called Boundries for Kids (or Boundries with Kids). It's by McCloud and is sometimes found in the Christian section of the books store. It has good solid advise and my kids and I are getting long much better since we started using it.

I hope it helps you too!
K.

The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo is ***excellent***! Definitely Christian, no psycho-babble, just good plain Bible-based advice for parents.

I have read this book twice and would recommend it to everyone! It's called "Dare to Discipline" by Dr. James Dobson. It will help you so much with discipline issues! It's available pretty cheap in paperback on amazon.com. Dr. Dobson is founder of Focus on the Family, the christian organization that helps families deal with problems, and he is also a psychologist. He gives sound, Bible-based principles for child-rearing that are timeless & have long been forgotten by the mainstream. Get it, read it, and put it to work for you! God Bless!

First of all let me say that I commend you on your ability to take in other children and especially those with problems. The adoption is even something that I think is BIG of you because I am not sure that I could do that. And I know I couldn't put up with difficult children. Your temper is normal and probably to be expected considering that you have difficult children that you have taken in. Your hormones are bouncing around right now and you probably aren't feeling your best. Don't get down on yourself too much. I would have lost it a long time ago that is why i want to say that you are such a wonderful person to be able to do something like that. You have to realize that there are people out here, like me, that wouldn't not be able to have the patience with another child other than my own.
I don't know what the answers are but I couldn't pass up writing you to make sure I told you that I wish that I had some of your strength and patience in me that you have.
I would have thrown them all out a long time ago (other than my own).
I would say that the best medicine right now would to be to confide in your husband and talk, talk, talk to him. He will be your best support and a shoulder to lean on and the one that helps hold you up and that makes you feel good about what you are doing. Sounds like the both of you are great and wonderful people. People like me that can't go the distance that you do....envy people like you.

I really like Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson. He gives lots of practical help and ideas - which I really need. I'm just not that creative! Hang in there. You're doing one of the hardest and most important jobs in the world! And you're not a bad person for losing your temper.

God bless you.

Remember to take time for yourself. When you are spiritually filled you than can help your family. Especially now that you are pregnant and more tired and emotional. You've probably heard the funny saying, " If mamma aint happy than nobodies happy". Serving and caring for others is wonderful and rewarding but remember to take care of yourself too. And you need a lot of care when you're pregnant.
Books I enjoyed: Teaching your children values. By:Linda and Richard Eyre.
To a child Love is spelled Time: by:Mac Anderson and Lance Wubbles.
Remember to breath deep and relax. Good luck on your pregnancy.

Dear R.
The book I have suggested time and time again is "Shepherding a childs heart", by Ted Tripp. The books centerpiece is about how to speak to the heart of your child. The things our children do and say flow from their heart. Luke 6:45 "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks". After reading this book I stopped disciplining the action, "the what" and started looking deeper at "the why". It is a wonderful, practical book for parents of children of any age. This book has been the cornerstone of my parenting, it has been an incredible resource I go back to all the time. I hope this helps. God Bless you R., B. T.

there is a great book on child training by Michael and Debi Pearl. You can find it at www.nogreaterjoy.org
This book teaches us that we need to train our children to be obedient not just by discipline. The title is To Train Up a Child

I usually find books by a certain author. Dr. James Dobson has a very christian view and I have found that I can use very practical info from his books. Find an author that you are comfortable with his/her views. I also have found that setting forth rules and consequences then following through consistently have the most impact of getting desirable behavior. As far as your temper, are you tired, overworked, stressed etc... I know that when I am tired I am crabby and my temper can flair. The kids know now if Mom is really tired they must be on thier best behavior. Although sometimes not even that works and I loose control. I always feel bad afterward and take steps to remedy whatever is out of whack. If your not taking care of yourself you are more likely to become angered easily. Can your husband watch over the kids so you can rest, thus hopefully putting you in a better frame of mind. Remember that during pregnancy your hormones go up and down and that is enough to cause you to cry, become angry or a host of any other emotions. Good Luck!

I think all three of the books I would most recommend have already been mentioned by someone else, but I'll second those opinions:

Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson
Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Lehman

All three of those books have had an impact on the way I am trying to parent my kids (and believe me, I lose it some days, too). Another great book, which maybe isn't quite as much about parenting per se, but is a good book for all Christian parents to read is "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. She shares how you can pray through each stage of your child's growth, from early childhood until they are adults.