Need SERIOUS Help with Discipline of 3 and 1/2 Year Old!

I know you've already gotten responses, but I had that same child! We even went to a psychologist... Read and apply the book 1-2-3 Magic. I know it sounds trite but if you do it, it will work. My daughter is now 12 and I still sometimes use the numbers.

Good luck

hi, my advice is to start focusing on the positive with her. Which means pick some of the major things that she does that you want to change and turn it around to the postive and have a praise system for that. For example, sit down with her and make a chart with some of the behaviors on it, like listening, following directions, whatever she needs to work on, then have some stickers or just use a marker, when she does it correctly, give her the smiley face, sticker, etc. Have a goal at the end of the day with a reward if she has so many stickers. When you first start this, make her really excited about it, try to make it work in her favor, she should enjoy it, you should start out with daily goals, then go to weekly goals, the ultimate goal is for her to do the behaviors automatically, not just for a reward. If you are not consistent with this it will not work, it takes time, but if you dedicate to it, she will respond.

On another note, encourage your husband to show her unconditional love, very important to children. Yes, he should correct her, but she has to feel like he still loves her no matter what she has done.

Not knowing your discipline or parenting style, my input is based solely on what we have done with my 3 1/2-year-old daughter. We also made a major move and my daughter's behavior changed slightly too, but really just became a more prounounced version of some of the things she was already doing...

We have a milder version of what your daughter seems to be doing. My daughter likes to try to interrupt during our issuing of time outs and what not. I first tell my daughter to look me in the eye. I do not address her until she does this and her punnishment phase only gets drawn out, the longer she takes (so she has learned to do this especially if her favorite show is playing). If she starts to try to "explain" or cut in I put my finger over my mouth & Shhh her. I tell her her time out is for whatever the case may be at the time (hitting, for instance) and that we will talk when the time out is over...

This usually helps to stop the talking back but if she feel she still needs to explain herself, she can do so after the time out...not to say the explanation may hold water at all, but she does not feel so frustrated because she got to say her peace. If the explanation was unreasonable (like I hit because I was mad at my toy or something) then we tell her that is not the appropriate response and tell her what she could have done instead.

We also try to remove all distractions to get our daughter to listen...if the TV is distracting her, we turn it off; if she is "too busy playing" we take her away from the toys and again, we get on her level and make her look us in the eye when we talk. If she is not ready to do this (acting up, talking back) she gets a time out for this act itself and the time out goes on as long as she is acting out. We then talk after that episode...

Of course you have to determnine your child's attention span and know whether or not they are really grasping the concept you are trying to convey.

Have you looked up ways of dealing with strong-willed children? We have adapted some of the techniques we found in researching bad behavior, to work for our daughter.

This is not to say that she is in any way an angel...there are still some days where it feels like she is in perpetual trouble, but the important thing is to stay consistant because you are right...they are testing the boundaries!

What puzzles me is her not wanting you to be watching her...maybe she would rather feel more independence by not being watched or does she simply want to perform bad behavior and not have anyone see...I'm not sure...maybe consult a child development specialist (I don't mean this offensively either as my neighbor has had someone come in to evaluate her kids - their behavior was related to Dad being deployed with the military...she got some really good pointers from them that I'm borrowing!)

I think you are on the right track with what you are trying with the positive reinforcement and taking of toys with an opportunity to earn them back...I hope our advice helps and like I said, if all else fails, get professional help. Sometimes as Mom's we feel embarrassed to do this and we should not...we would not lay a house foundation or build a skyscraper if that were not our profession; we would go to professionals...raising kids is no different!

The first thing you need to do is to get your husband to grow up! He can no way hold a grudge on a three year old all day long. He is being as bad as she is. If not worse!
It sounds to me that she is trying to find her independence. You need to recognize any good behavior she is doing, even if it's something simple as helping you make a sandwhich for her lunch. You could say "that was so nice of you to help me." Anything that is positive is always good. I would stop trying to point out every negative thing she does and focus on the positives. It sounds like you need to have along talk with your husband. He is not helping her at all, it sounds like you are trying and he is not. That's not going to work.
She's not a bad girl, it's the parents who need to change. Good luck!

I'd recommend you read "Dare to Discipline" by Dr. Dobson. Don't put off finding a good discipline method - you need to get a handle on this NOW - otherwise it will only get worse. God bless you.

I recommend Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood (Book)
I will say that I'd tried everything with our son (now 9) and the one thing that helped us was learning to parent with 'love and logic'. There's a website with some information about this book series http://www.loveandlogic.com/ I found my books on half.com and amazon.com - it seems a bit hokey to say "Im reading a book to help me be a better parent and make my child a better kid" but I swear by it! It was WELL worth my time to read, and it was a very fast read. I have the entire series now, with a toddler and a 9yo; it's easy for us to slip off the 'love and logic' track - it's important that both parents are a team. We really have had alot of positive changes with using some of the advice in the books. Our 9yo is a very strong willed child.

PLEASE get Dr. James Dobson's book "Dare to Discipline" as soon as possible. It's available cheap in paperback from amazon.com. It has sound, timeless, and Godly principles for handling not only the discipline problems you're facing now, but also problems you may face in the future. It's truly a must-have for parents, and it's a shame that more people don't follow these principles. Good luck and God Bless!

The family is the first and most important teachers a child has. She must be picking this behavior up from somewhere. Discover the source & remove it. They and only then ,and gradually at that, will her behavior change. Is she getting it from watching you and your husband interact? Or from tv (most likely), or daycare or playgroup? Be astutely aware of the personal interactions she is exposed to. Be sure they are mutually respectful ones. If she is inadvertantly exposed to any "bad" behaviors, be sure to point out to her why it is wrong and how it makes you feel. Going to church and Sunday school may help, but won't cure it without constant reinforcement on the homefront. Everytime your husband treats you with obvious respect that she witnesses, be sure to mention, within her hearing, how nice it is to be treated that way, how much you love him for being that kind of man, how important respect is, etc. Gush over it. Be sure to let him know too:) Even exaggerate your loving kindness to each other until she "gets it". Example is the best teacher.
Make sure she knows why her behavior is wrong. Let her know there will be consequences for her rude behavior, and make sure she knows ahead of time what those consequences will be, but NEVER make idle threats, be sure you follow through on all punishments, so she comes to understand she can rely on your words. Concentrate on rewarding good behaviors. Bribery has a place to, such as giving a quarter for each day she remains respectful, then taking her to the Dollar Store to spend her money every Sat. As she matures, you can set a higher goal, such as saving for a new bike.
Getting nothing for Christmas but a lump of coal speaks volumes too. We actually did that for one of my seven kids one year, scared all the kids so bad, they were all angels for a long time after that! With one of our other kids, what worked the best was hugs and tears, I kid you not. She would get me so angry that if I let myself, I could have beat her. Now we did paddle on occasion, but Beating is different than a paddle. beating (or screaming) is an emotional outlet for the parent and has little effect on the kid other than to make she think her parent is unstable, while a paddle is a just punishment and very effective on some kids, when used judiciously, but becomes ineffective if used to frequently. Anyway When this one kid "pushed my buttons" to the extreme, I would rush over to her and hug her and start crying. She would struggle to get away from me, but I persisted in hugging her and while I hugged her, I would explain how her behavior was hurting me, and how I loved her so much that I was afraid that if I stopped hugging her, I would beat her because she had been so bad, if I didn't love her, I would not tolerate her behavior, but send her away to CPS, but since I loved her so much, I just hugged her as I cried until we both calmed down. This worked for her personality, wouldn't work, nor even be recommended for everyone
You are right that she still needs love and attention, it is right that you carry out a punishment, then forgive & forget. However, if she continues her behaviors, its either your punishments are not strict enough, or you're not carrying through on them.

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I think you have more of a challenge with your husband than your daughter. Your daughters behavior is completely normal. And, if my 4.5 year old son and his friends are any indication, the behavior isn't going to end any time soon. Now, your husband holding a grudge and taking your daughters very normal behavior personally, I would think is more of a problem.

I am a big fan of P.E.T by Thomas Gordon. http://www.gordontraining.com/ He helps parents learn how to raise their children with personal responsibility, without using a parents "power" to control their kids behavior. I have read the book and listened to the audio tape, next we are tackling a workshop.

Around that same age our daughter was going threw threw thats as well we moved from oh to nc, we got her in to karate.. She was driving us nuts acting out not listening and omg the mouth i could not belive it she was only 4.. So we did karate and started doing alot of time outs. And taking privelages away.. Hang in there..

S.,
At first I thought I didn't know what to say.. but wasn't true.
From about age 2 we started with "first time obedience"
See I have a now 5 yr old and a 19 yr old. I was trying to avoid some of the 'mistakes' I might have made with my oldest.

So that is how "first time obedience" came about.

I also took a parenting bible class on "Shepherding Your Childs Heart" and that helped although to be perfectly honest, when I first read the book, I thought NO WAY! But after the class it was almost if it all clicked and a light was turned on.

We also learned that when I call the child's name, for example,
"Cambria" she should say "YES, Mommy coming" I know it sounds crazy but it works.. how you teach it is that you say it and teach her to parrot talk after you. If you teach and be consistant, it DOES and WILL work. The kids techniqually stop what they are doing and come to you when called. Now I will tell you as my DD has gotten older as she is now 5 1/2, I will accept her telling on occasion,Yes Mommy, just one minute please. This way I too am showing her respect by honoring something she is doing.

I also would implement the Yes, Ma'am, NO Sir policy, it makes them learn respect, not only to you but to other adults.

We also have told her as our faith is an important part of our family. God made the rule Obey your parents, the first time, not when you feel like it, or when it sounds good, or when you decide to etc.

I really hope you and your DH can get on the same page. If you don't your little girl will sense that and take advantage of the both of you.

If my DD is acting up and I am tired of talking to her, I just tell her she has 10 min in her room, if she puts up a fuss, or back talks she gets 10 more. What started out as a simple 10 min consequence can quickly become 1/2 hour= 30 minutes.

If is important to let her know that back talking is showing disrespect and it hurts your feelings. I definitely would reinforce "I LOVE YOU" although I don't like your behavior.
Never attach misbehavior=love for the child. I think your DH has it all wrong.

The need and reassurance of love from the parent NO MATTER WHAT! is crucial to the emotional development of the child.

I noticed you stated if I am correct about your DD wanting you to look at her, maybe that is when you are talking to her. Try it, make sure she is looking at you when she speaks and do the same back. It might just be what she is trying to convey.

Remember too S., it is only for a season, this too shall pass, but if you and DH don't get it under control NOW it will get much worse as she gets older.

I too don't use the word punishment, I use the word consequence as everything in life has conseequences depending on your decisions. I do tell my DD that she should be a good listner, so put her listening ears on as well as Make good decisions. :)

It gives them some 'power' to learn from their own mistakes, just like we do.

.

If I may suggest, turn off the TV, if you must have something in the back ground put some music on.

TV really influences behavior, we have had to BAN CALLIOU, and the DRAGON TALES.... WHY??? YOU wonder.....

Calliou, WHINES... literally, listen to him. I wondered where my DD was getting it from... she is with me 90% or more of the time. Sure enough we had it on when I was doing her hair and there is was in front of me. Dragon Tales... the 2 headed dragaon, Zak and Wheezy... she was annoying and when DD started to imitate her that about did it. :)

Do whatever is best for you and your family S..

Something WILL work, but then that too will wear off and you will have to find something new that means something.. this is part of parenting. I remember all to well with my oldest something would work for awhile and then I was looking for something else. :)

There is a book that I would suggest you check into and see if it will work for your family.

***Parenting is Heart Work***
Parenting Solutions To Reach The Heart of Kids

http://www.biblicalparenting.org/heartwork/experts.asp

Parents
"This is a wonderful resource for me as a parent. I was particularly impressed with the section on connecting with your child emotionally and helping children develop in emotionally healthy ways."
—Robin Downs, mother of three active and fun-loving kids

"I finished the book and am delighted by your insight, thank you!"
—Calvin Juelfs, Hampton, MN

"Parenting is Heart Work is not only for parents but for everyone. I'm a parent of a 2 1/2 year old. This has helped with communication issues not only between my daughter and me but between my wife and me as well. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
—Jeffrey Vaughan, Jr

Here is a site you might find useful.

http://www.allaboutparenting.org/biblical-parenting-faq.htm

I also personally receive some Parenting Tips.

http://www.biblicalparenting.org/ParentTips.asp

They are Christian but most of the stuff is great support and encouragement to me as a parent. They hopefully will be the same for you and your family.

Hi S., we have a really great program here for parents that is free it is called Project Enlightenment http://projectenlightenment.wcpss.net/ You can take a look at it. There may be some ideas on the site or maybe you can find something similar in your area.
I hope this helps!

D..
http://www.BizForMomsOnline.com

I didn't read your other responses, but wanted to chime in. I sure hope I don't sound mean, but I wouldn't bother writing if I didn't care about your parenting issue! (I'm mother to 4 grown kids and 'Mom-Mom' to 3 little 'grands'.)

FIRST, you and your husband need to 'get on the same page.' Daughter KNOWS that you are 'vs' each other and will play it for all it's worth! If there is anyone you know (a grandmotherly type, preferrably) in your new community that you can leave daughter with for a few hours, you and he need to get away together -- partly for your own relationship, and partly to discuss what your goals really are concerning the parenting issue. Maybe first have a 'date' with no mention of said daughter so you can concentrate on where you stand with each other (sounds as if that relationship is strained and getting worse).

Second, you said a mouthful when you said: "I am starting to think she is wanting more attention, and doesnt care how she gets it." It's positively TRUE that if a kid can't get noticed for being good, they' WILL get noticed however they can (and this is WORKING for her, you see?)

Thirdly, you can't be wishy-washy (punishing/disciplining her one minute and huggy/kissy the next). Let me give you the VERY BEST advice I ever received about parenting (from my own mom who's now in heaven). "Don't say anything to a child unless you mean it." If you say, 'Get down from there,' be prepared to TAKE the child down from there if s/he doesn't get down. If you don't really CARE whether s/he gets down, DON'T tell him/her to! Simple, but not always easy.

Another good piece of advice (from Mom) was, 'don't challenge the child.' You ARE the authority. YOU must believe that before your child will! Don't tell a kid something with your hands on your hips, your head cocked, one eyebrow raised and your mouth set in a firm line (just 'daring' the kid NOT to obey). Say it. Mean it. If the child doesn't do it, CALMLY MAKE IT HAPPEN. If you lose control of a 3 yr old, what will you do when she's 13?

You are in my thoughts & prayers! This needs handled NOW.

Watch 'Nanny 911' and/or 'Super Nanny'. Read some Christian parenting books (Kevin Lehman's 'Making children mind without losing yours', 'Parenthood without hassles (Well, almost)', and/or James Dobson's 'Parenting isn't for cowards', Dare to Discipline, The Strong-Willed child, etc. You CAN DO IT!

Hi S.,

It sounds like you're really frustrated. Take a deep breath (or several) - it will get better!

First you and your husband need to be on the same page. Agree on consequences for bad behavior and follow through every time. Obviously the consequence must be severe enough that your daughter feels the punishment, but not too severe so that you will actually follow-through. Your husband needs to understand that withholding love will just make things worse in the long-run. Come up with a plan and have a "meeting" to tell your daughter what the consequence is for certain actions. It sounds like your daughter is strong-willed, which is not bad it just means it requires a little more work from you right now. It make take a few weeks to really notice a difference, but if you're consistent it will pay off!

My husband and I took a parenting class at church called "Parenting on Purpose". It emphasized consistently implementing appropriate consequences. I highly recommend it (we have a 9 month old, but other couples who have older kids have said that it has worked really well for their family.)

It sounds like the move probably has affected your daughter somewhat. Kids handle transition in lots of different ways. Be patient and firm and it will get better!

Our son is also 3 1/2 and is the same way. We know he's a bright kid, and knows how to push our buttons. Sounds like your daughter has figured this stuff out, as well! We used the book 1-2-3 Magic with amazing results. The author is Dr. Thomas Phelan, and we found it at our library. The whole system is designed around time-outs, and at first I thought it wouldn't work, because our little guy wasn't phased by a time out in the past. But if you use the program consistently, it has amazing results. Your daughter will be acting like a new kid within a week. It's worth checking out, it really worked well for us. Good luck!

I am sure that even though these things were happening before they have gotten worse since the move, and that can be understandable to an extent. My daughter, now 11, was my first child, her dad's first child, and the first grandchild and niece on both sides so I know how the spoiling thing can get carried away. It sounds like you are doing well with the discipline, taking away toys and TV and 4 minute timeouts. And I know it can be hard to give praise when there is so little to be praised, but you have to find any little thing you can, anything. She gets dressed without a fuss. She brushes her teeth on a first request. She eats all or most of her dinner. ANYthing and you let her know by saying something like, "Hey thanks for brushing your teeth when I asked , that was really great and makes me very happy." Try that for a while and if nothing changes then I would her telling you that was another ploy for attention, who knows. But you husband does need to get over things a little faster. I don't know if you are Christian but Forgive and Forget, especially for your own kid who has just moved away from family and friends. Maybe the way your husband acts has something to do with the way she acts also, but I can't say that for sure. Good Luck Jenny

Now that is is summer get her out of the house and into some activity this will help get her mind on different things and it will also let her see how other children behave in her new surroundings. I have a 6 yr old and she is quite bad at home but when she is away from home at school or at a paydate she is as good as gold. The move from New York to Kentucky is a big one for her and she will act out because of it. Just take your stand and start taking things that are important to her away, also put her in her room and let her know she can't come out untill she quits the bad behavior, that is what I do to my daughter. From 1 old Kentucky mom to a new Kentucky mom

I know I'm responding a little late on this and I'm sure you have had your fill of people telling you what to do... but the first child is always the toughest and I've had 4 so...

They call it "terrible 2's"..... well guess what? they were wrong... it is "terrific 2's and terrible 3's". Why? Because this is when a child's "will" kicks in, they realize at this moment that they can say "no" and say it with ATTITUDE! 2's were great and then 3 hit and I thought I would die...

Now hubby.... poor thing, like others have said, he's not helping at all.... after all ... who's the adult and who's the child?? We shouldn't have to ask this. Your daughter needs you (both of you) to be the parent ... the adult... there MUST be unconditional love or don't bother having children. Very blunt but very true... So, it doesn't matter what she does, you have to come out on top and believe me your daughter will love you for it, she can't be allowed to run the show.... that is your job. With my first child, she spent many a day in her crib in time out and in the corner.... when she wouldn't stay in the corner or say the right things, then she went to the crib until she behaved.... and she threw a A LOT of temper tantrums, not one of my other children did... just her. But once she knew "who" was in charge.... then we began to see a difference. Children are lost without direction.... they must have the boundaries or they will lose control.

I do wish you the best of luck with your situation...all of us have been there, you will be in my prayers. Just remember and remind your husband... she is only THREE AND A HALF YEARS OLD... just a baby. A baby that is now starting to realize that she too can make choices and decisions... and it is up to you to show her which ones are right and which ones are wrong! You can do it... just get on the right track with your husband and tell him to leave the grudges at the curb because they will do you no good on this road... quite frankly ask yourself.... when, if ever, is a grudge right?? Everything that you and your husband do..... good, bad, ugly... and even grudges....your daughter is watching you and learning from your example.... think about it...

First of all, my husband sometimes does the 'hold a grudge all day' thing too, and it drives me crazy! I am in complete agreeance with you on that aspect.
Here is what worked for me. I got down on my sons level (eye to eye) and made him listen to ME first, then it would be his turn, then MINE again. If he couldn't stand and listen to me then it was automatic timeout until he could stand and listen to me and talk about it. I told him the things I had a problem with (in as FEW words as possible, and tried to only make 2 points....too many words and too much of an explanation made him loose focus on what I was trying to say) then he could tell me how he felt about it, and I tried to sympathize with how he felt, and let him know I understood where he was coming from, then explained WHY such-and-such behavior was not acceptable. I also took away his most treasured and favorite toys (sometimes taking a box and collecting 2, 3 or 5 toys at a time depending on the offense.) I also was very conscience about my tone of voice when talking to him and often had to demonstrate the difference in talking 'mean' and 'nice'. Also, whenever he used his mean voice I told him I couldnt' understand mean words and as soon as he said it in a nice voice I would smile and say 'sure, thank you' or whatever. I also started a chart with stickers. When I caught him doing something good or positive or listening I would give him a sticker on his chart, when he got 25 stickers he would get a surprise. When he talked back, used a mean voice, etc I would draw a sad face with \ / for eyebrows to show a mean face. If he got more than 3 of those a day he had to go to bed early with no stories before bedtime (and he LOVED story time). He eventually passed through the phase and although he still gets in trouble sometimes (at almost 6 yrs old, what kid doesn't?) he is definitely better with the back talk (which my husband does not tolerate at ALL....saying 'excuse me, you want to try that again?' and my son usually corrects himself immediately) Good Luck, I hope this helps a little, or at least gives you some ideas!

My first thought is 'adjustment'. If she has recently had a big move (adjustment #1, huge at this age) and has lost alot of her support structure and attention she's constantly used to having (adjustment #2, huge), that's a ton for a 3.5 y.o. She has some apparent anger, she feels displaced and ignored. Relocation is a big culprit in discipline problems. They feel out of sorts and confused, regardless of the familiar surroundings that you take with you. She may miss someone or something that she doesn't even know. She will get used to her new home and life, but it will take time and patience. Your husband's reactions are his personality's way of dealing with the stress. The best you can do is talk about it and try to improve on that, but may be hard to eliminate altogether. He most certainly can improve on how he treats her, even if he cannot eliminate the resentment to the stress.

Just as a safety measure, you also may try to test her hearing. I know this seems farfetched, but not paying attention when you're talking, or talking while you're talking, could be an indicator. It could be frustrating for her and she doesn't even know what the problem is.

Just a few thoughts, good luck!