Help! Our 6-Year-old Is Running Our House!

DS is 5, not 6 yet so I can only tell you what works for us - YMMV. Things that help.

1. Assume positive intent - she is doing the best she can for who she is right now (not who you want her to be or who she will be next year)

2. Showing DS respect - getting down at his level to talk to him. Looking at him when talking and asking whether he has heard. Telling him things politely (if someone at work talked to me like that would I be ok with it? if not, it's not respectful).

3. Separating what he says from how he says it. If he 'I want my toy now and I will yell if I don't get it' I try (not always easy) to determine whether his request is reasonable. If so my response would be to model how he should ask for the toy - 'so what you are saying is mommy, may I please have my toy now" and then give it to him. Threats are a normal developmental stage - they are learning the power of words - we just identify them as such - 'DS, that is a threat, when you say that it makes me want to not help you, when you say, mommy please may I, then I want to help'.

You answered your own question when you described the difference in approach between you and your husband. The lack of a unified parenting approach is sending your daughter a strong signal: There is a weakness in the boundaries. All she has to do is go to that weak spot, and she will get her way every time. In addition to the rotten behavior this is causing, it is also responsible for the disrespect she is showing you. Kids learn a lot from how their parents interact and work with each other. If the mother is critical of the father, the child will show the father less respect. If the father doesn't back up the mother, the child learns that the mother is someone to be disregarded. All the punishment and consequences in the world, all the consistency in the world on your part, will not correct this child's skewed vision of how your home runs until your husband stands by you consistently.

If your husband already thinks you're nagging him about this, you probably aren't going to be able to convince him what the problem is with your daughter without an outside, objective opinion. You might try, however, when the two of you have some private time (your daughter absolutely should not be a part of this conversation or even hear it take place) to sit down with him and approach it from a standpoint of how it makes you feel when he undermines your efforts to parent. Use "I" statements like "I feel like I'm not getting support when we're having trouble with her." or "I feel like I'm always the bad guys when it comes to parenting." or something else to open the conversation. Avoid criticizing him, nagging him, or accusing him; also avoid become overly emotional (either raising your voice or breaking down). He is more likely to listen if he feels like the two of you are having a calm, rational discussion. You can also approach it from the standpoint of a shared problem and ask him if he has any solutions on how to handle your daughter because you're at your wit's end. If he's like a lot of men, he will respond better if he feels like he's helping solve a problem than if he feels like he's being attacked.

The only other thing you can do is honestly evaluate your response to your daughter, even when she's not in trouble. I know from experience with my own difficult child that it is often a struggle not to hold a sort of a grudge when they create so much contention and strain in the home, but we aren't very good, as moms, at hiding those grudges. The kids sense it, and they respond to it defensively and defiantly. Make sure you are still giving her affection (hugs go a long way towards healing bad feelings), particularly when she's not in trouble and right after disciplining. It will communicate to her that she is still loved and valued. It's also good to remind yourself regularly about all the good qualities your daughter has, and remember how much you love her. It will make it easier to remember when she's in trouble that her bad behavior is not all there is to her.

I can only give a few ideas - my kids are younger, 3 and 1 1/2, so I don't know how it will be around our house in a few years. But usually if my 3-year-old seems out of sorts or acts out against his sister, a main reason is that he is running low on 1-on-1 time with mom or dad. He doesn't know how to ask for it and just knows that mom and dad pay attention to little sis (or to cleaning/work around the house, etc...), so he gets grouchy with her and with us. Maybe you can try scheduling a date with your daughter and see if it helps? Or just come home from work and pick one night a week where you don't do anything "grown-up" and just focus all your attention on her (maybe a Friday so homework isn't an issue)? Then, the rest of the time, keep up the consistency. And, I agree with the others about the therapist - at least it would help get you and dad on the same page.

One other thought: I was wondering about the napping. I know some kids still need a rest in the day, but maybe it is messing up her nighttime sleep. Could just a 1 hour quiet time in her room work?

I hope you find a solution that helps make your family time enjoyable again.

I think you're very smart to see a family therapist. This seems to have spiraled out of control. No six-year-old should run a family unless that six-year-old is paying all the bills and the taxes.

It does sound rather like a power game to me, and six-year-olds can be soooo good at that! A therapist may be able to put a finger on a solution that you and your husband too close to the issue to see. Happens all the time. :^)

Why on earth are you trying to accommodate her at all at this point? She is certainly not trying to accommodate you in any way. I think you should call a family therapist. One of the very first things they're going to tell you is that you and your husband MUST be on the same page. Even if that means in the middle of something you both step into another room and discuss what you're going to do, or even if it means one of you seethes while the other does something (as long as it isn't horribly detrimental) -you take it up later! Definitely see a therapist and ask them about P.E.T. and Parenting With Love and Logic. These are working for us -and working well. It sounds like they may work well with your family too. It's about meeting needs -the FAMILY'S needs and each individual within the family -and her realizing that she had needs and SO DO YOU.

DO call a family therapist or counselor. She or he will insist your hubby and you get on the same page. she will help you determine if there is a problem like ADD or ODD or if it's just the inconsistency of you and your husband. (You say you've been consistent but really her parents have not been consistent so it doesn't count as giving her consistency) If you're lucky that is the problem and is easiest to fix.
You've tried so many different ways to discipline, how long are you trying each method? I'm wondering if you tried behavior charts to reward good behavior? DLTK website behavior charts let you design your own and then print out cute charts. Most kids enjoy putting the check marks, or happy faces or stickers. Start very small (like take a nap, brush teeth,) so she can succeed or it will not work at all. give a small reward at the end of the week (half hour TV or a movie or a popsicle ) then every week add one more to the list. Keep the rules positive like Use nice words instead of no backtalk! Play nice with sister instead of don't hit! If she behaves at school ask the teacher if you could set up a meeting and ask her about her discipline procedures and her recommendations and her opinion on what is wrong. Good luck!

My heart goes out to you, this is a tough situation to be in.
At this point, family therapy sounds like a great idea. Everybody will have to re-learn some behaviors, and the therapist may also be able to help you and your husband to get on the same page for the parenting, which will be very difficult to do on your own.

I do believe it is okay to have two distinctly different people as parents, it makes it a much richer and broader experience for the children, when it comes to rules of the household and discipline, it is important to be on the same page and back each other up and not disagree in front of the children.

In addition, I would like to recommend a couple of books that use a different approach to parenting and discipline, one that is less likely to lead to those power struggles.

Connection Parenting - Parenting through connection instead of coercion, through love instead of fear by Pam Leo.

Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids - Seven keys to turn family conflict into co-operation by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson.

And while I am at it, I would like to recommend a couple of other books that are not so much about parenting per se, but about family connection - which in a way is then about the parent-child relationship, too, but from a different perspective:

The Intentional Family - Simple rituals to strengthen family ties by William J. Doherty, Ph.D.

The Joyful Family - Meaningful activities and heartfelt celebrations for connecting with the ones you love bu John Dacey, Ph.D. and Lynne Weygint

Some suggestions from these books may help you get back to enjoying being with your family again, all of them together, and not to dread snow days and weekends as much...

Best wishes to you and your family!

You two need to get on the same page. You both are not doing your daughter any favors by letting her get away with her behavior. SUPERNANNY.COM.... Definately call a family therapist... they can give you really good advice and hopefully help you and hubby get on same page.

A family therapist is the right idea. You and Dad should be in agreement about what is allowed, what isn't and what punishments will be. His caving totally undermines anything you do. Your 3 yr old needs protection from her older sister.
You might need to strip everything out of your 6 yr old's room except her mattress and if she can't play nice with anyone, she can be by herself with nothing in her room. I can't even imagine what she's going to be like as a teenager if she's like this at 6. Good luck!

Your husband has to understand that if he keeps giving in to her it will only get worse. Can you imagine how it will be when she's 12 or 13, as tall as you are, and wants to do something illegal or dangerous? If you can't control her now, you will be living a nightmare in a few more years. Family counseling is probably your best bet so someone else can convince your husband he has to be firm with her, for her own good.