Falling Apart Mom of Two Boys

Mamapedia is an incredibly supportive (and blunt!) group.
A little bit of been-there-done-that advice: 3 and 6 aren't forever. Every age will come with its own hardships, but remember that "childhood is intense and fleeting in its explorations of trial and error" (I said that, actually.)
Much, much luck-
Sincerely,
A Mother of Twin Boys (in their Terrible Twos) and one Lovely daughter who is 8!

Hi L.,

I don't know if this would work for you, but it was recommended to me by a wonderful parent-educator (she works with parents and the children in helping them establish better relationships).

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/handinhanddiscuss/info

This is a forum for Hand in Hand, a parenting method which focuses on parent-child connection. It seems to me that the forum doesn't cost anything and it's full of parents who are struggling with the same things you are, plus it's moderated by two women who are well-versed in parenting struggles.

Here's their main webpage. It may be a start:
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

I will say this: parenting a three year old is a whole different kind of difficult than what we remember in our minds. (Sort of like birthing- I think our memories get wiped clean so we have the ability to do it again if need be. :) ) I have recently been caring for my neighbor's three year old and only then do I remember what it was like with mine...I really like the kid and I'm still drained after a couple hours-- and he's relatively easy for *me* !

Hang in there. Find parents who are in the weeds with you and I hope you gain some camaraderie and good advice there. And for what it's worth, I've been there too:

http://skyteahouse.blogspot.com/2012/10/old-mother-hugger...

I hope you find some empathy in this. :) Hugs, H.

I know that as a mom of a 9 and 12 year old boy I was once the mom of a 3 and 6 year old boy. I think there are lots of moms here with lots of experience handling situations at different ages. Ask a specific question and I am sure you will get lots of answers, advice, anecdotes and ideas.

I'm a full-time working mom of an almost 4 and almost 8 year old. I guess I'm in your same boat. Ask your questions here! I have gotten some amazing advice here. BTW- I personally love Supernanny, Jo Frost. She has a good website and has written several books on handling a variety of parenting situations.

It does sound like a good counselor would be helpful for you at this stage. If you are struggling to implement the tools from the parenting books then you probably have unresolved emotional issues that are getting in the way. A good counselor will be able to support you in first, seeing what is blocking effective parenting and second, support you in healing those issues.

We sometimes don't even realize how much our own unconscious thoughts, beliefs, and our stuffed emotions are sabotaging our parenting. A caring, effective counselor can help you get to the heart of what is really going on for you right now and what is really driving the "falling apart."

The work will be an inside job. Looking for more information will only support you so far. It will be important to have someone support you in implementing all of the information you have. You can have tons of great information, however, if you have blocks to implementing that information it will just frustrate you and keep you constantly searching for more.

You've been on this website for several years, so if you haven't found the advice you want here, I'm not sure where the next best place is for your to go. You've read some books but you find they are not helpful? Even if you find a philosophy that is consistent with your beliefs, it's still difficult to implement the strategies, but consistency is really really important. Kids do want structure and dependability, but sometimes they're going to push back. That doesn't mean you give up on your strategy - it means you dig in your heels and keep doing it until it works. A lot of times we give up because something didn't work the first few times - but if we switch gears, the kids get confused, so no strategy works.

Your husband has to do more than support you. You both have to read the same books and be on the same wavelength, and kids have to learn that they cannot get a different answer from the other parent. That undermines the strategy. If you are a working mom and he is a working dad, you both have the same amount of time to put into child discipline and structure.

If you need individual attention, then by all means seek a therapist you can work with first hand. Your primary care physician or your OB/GYN will have a list of counselors who accept your insurance. If you work at getting the skills you need and finding the ways you sabotage yourself (and we all do that!), you will be healthier. And you will have an hour to yourself without kids or hubby!

Often the personal approach will be much more effective than websites, which give an array of opinions and options but not the depth you may be seeking. I did it and it made a world of difference for me. I learned how what I had grown up with was affecting my decisions as a parent. That can be very enlightening. My husband did the same thing and now neither one of us is falling apart. Please take care of yourself. If you don't love yourself enough, then love your kids enough to take care of their mom! It's not selfish - it's essential!

I have a few thoughts.
One is that if you have specific concerns, feel free to ask here. But be prepared to have others give straight-up answers that may not be what you want to hear.

If you don't have specific questions, but more of a general feeling of being overwhelmed, then have a frank discussion with your husband.

This past spring, I had some very stressful work deadlines coming up and I knew in advance I was going to be totally overwhelmed. I sat down with my husband, told him about the deadlines, and asked him to basically be the primary caregiver for the kids for the next 3 months - make dinner because I was going to need to work late, do bedtime because I was going to be exhausted, plan activities for the weekends because I wanted to have fun with my family, but wouldn't have the time to actually do the planning during the week. It worked and got us through the period with minimal meltdowns (by me).

You may not have a specific deadline or event causing stress, but I think you could have a similar strategy of thinking about exactly what you need your husband to do that he's not doing now, then sit down with him, explain that you are overwhelmed and ask him to do those specific things from now on.

I also think that finding a therapist would help. You've mentioned that you are a working mom - many employers have an assistance program with exactly this kind of support service, and usually you can go to them for some number of free visits per year. Ask your HR.

We sought out a therapist to assist us with our parenting. He takes the behavioral conditioning approach. It is very concrete, and doesn't delve into working on "fixing" us as parents or people, but on working on creating a more harmonious home.

fringe benefit, it helps to fix us as parents and people.

Best,
F. B.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm fortunate to have made several friends with kids common ages-it's nice to have someone to call/chat with who sometimes feels like pulling their hair out too. We also talk about the hubs-who try, but they just don't get it!
You need to put yourself out there and meet people. Try http://moms.meetup.com/cities/us/mi/detroit/. And if you decide to go the therapist route try Starfish family services. They have lots of different options that can include the whole family, just you, etc. And they have monthly parenting seminars with daycare so you can talk to other parents. They also offer love and logic classes.
Keep your chin up!

I am a full time working mom of 3 boys, now 14, 12, and 9. Their dad has always traveled full time (M- Th) so I've always been on my own for the most part. The best support I found was with moms of my kids' friends. I connected with them starting in daycare, starting around 3/4 years old, with playdates and such. After that, sports, then school. Other moms were the best support group and helped to provide perspective.

Your kids are just reaching the age of building their own social network. Use this as the opportunity to build your network as well. My BC (before children) friends either weren't married, didn't have children, or moved away. I really needed a different social network for emotional, social and parenting support. I found the mom network invaluable. They weren't my close friends but definitely comrades.

It'll give you a network where you can share babysitting, school pickups, carpooling, comparing notes on teachers, etc.. Sometimes, it's nice to just have someone to talk with that is in the same situation.

I hope that helps and good luck!

Get this book: The Secret of Parenting: How to Be in Charge of Today's Kids--from Toddlers to Preteens--Without Threats or Punishment by Anthony Wolf. It is filled with common sense advice on how to stop things like whining, tantrums, back talk and sibling rivalry. It's filled with real life examples that are so real you'll think the author was at your house AND it's laugh out loud funny.

I have used Wolf's method with all my kids. It's simple and it works.

Here's the link on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0374527083/ref=mw_dp_mdsc?d...

Best,
T. Y
SAHM of 5
14, 12, 6, 4 & 2

Babycenter.com is also helpful. You can sign up for periodic emails specific to your boys' ages or just search for info on a specific topic. You can also join a birth club of the month and year for both of them. I found it quite helpful in addition to Mamapedia.

The book easy to love, hard to discipline is great. It's about adjusting your attitude and approach. It doesn't have exact examples, but instead teaches you what to do to be and feel in control.