Fighting Child

How well does you daughter get along with your live in? Do they have a good relationship or is there some aggrivation there? I was in a similiar situation with my daughterin preschool, not fighting just more aggression then usual. She really disliked my boyfriend, for four years. I noticed a change in behavior after we split. Now I am married to a wonderful man who she adores and there is not aggression issues anymore. Not necessarally the cause for you...but something to think about..kids don't always know how to voice there feelings and act out. She still needs to be held accountable...by grounding if that is what you do...to know that her behavior is not acceptable...encourage her to talk to a teacher or councilor or even the principal about behaviors of other children to resolve the issue of bullying if that is what is going on..this is the oppurtunity to teach her the right way to deal with situations.

My parents taught me the same concept. Stand up for myself and not to throw the first punch.. and if it turns into a fight make sure and finish it.(win) Well these days that's not gonna work because I'm pretty sure all schools in MN now have a ZERO tolerance for any violent threat or act. I think it's a automatic suspension or something. I've been thinking myself how to handle this as I have a mouthy 5 yr.old. I have been having my daughter since age 2 go up and tell the person how she feels or why she is mad it leads away from fighting. Like if she comes to me and says "so and so did that" I tell her well go tell so and so how it made you feel.. It really works and helps with communication.I've even heard of teenagers trying this at school. I've tried this with my own life problems and it works great... I was just verbally arguing with my ex boyfriend and instead of saying you do this wrong and that wrong I said it makes me feel _____ when you do that. I've learned this tool in a anger mgmt. class I took and again by my old boss when I worked at a daycare.

I'm betting your daughter is having a hard time adjusting to the recent move and or the new man in the house. She may not beable to communicate this effectively so she's bottled up inside and anything or anybody probaly sets her off. It's similar to why two year olds bite they can't effectively communicate so they bite.

Hope this helps and your daughter adjusts!

S.

We moved here August of last year, I put my daughter into the Boys & Girls Club on Belvedere because that is right across from her school. I have also taught her to stand up for herself and to only push/hit when pushed/hit first. Only if she was the agressor would she get into trouble with me. She got into 3 fights within the first 3 weeks of being there. We would talk about what happened and discuss ways to get out of it using kind words instead of name calling and fists.

I would not punish her for something you told her and taught her to do. That will do nothing but confuse her. Try reinforcing that she can tell you anything and you will not get mad or judge her. (I did that just last night and BOAT LOADS of things came out) you just have to remember to NOT get mad.

I am living with my man also, she loves him BUT she misses her mommy and me time, maybe that could be part of the issue with your daughter, bake some cookies with her, have her help you with scrapbooking, make sure you set aside some time for ONLY the 2 of you, no boyfriend allowed, and frankly, if he doesn't understand this is needed, he isn't the one.

H..

If you would like to talk more you can e-mail me at ____@____.com

maybe ask her if the kids are picking on her at the club.. my daughter went to one and i pulled her out cuz all the kids there picked on her and i didnt wanna put her in that kind of spot.. if she started the fight i can see grounding her but as you told her protect yourself.. so you really cant ground her... my daughter is taught to tell someone and if someone isnt near and she feels like shes gonna get hurt start hitting and kicking.. my daughter stands up for herself and thats good that children know how to protect themselfs.. i didnt when i was little and ill tell you the bullys aim at me as they knew i didnt protect myself.. good luck

S.-
I don't know if I can help but I immediate thought was this other man in her life. You just moved in with him and now this is happening? She may be confused or upset and may not want to talk to you about it. Is there someone in your daughters life that she is very close to (besides you and your man) that she trusts? Maybe that person could talk with her about school, friends or whatever she likes, then try to sway the conversation to life at home, moving, and this man of yours. You may be able to find out some info. Whatever you do though don't let her find out you know anything or she will never be able to trust this other person again.

As far as her fighting, she is only 10 years old! It is not normal for a 10 year old to be fighting. She is still very young. I can't say that she should be punished though because it sounds like you have told her it is OK to fight back. I would bet that everytime she gets into a fight she will say that the other child hit first. I think that you telling her it is OK to fight/hit back was wrong and it is time to make some new rules along with what her punishment will be if those rules are broken. My other problem is with the B&G Club. What is going on there that all this fighting is happening? Does this happen alot (with other kids)? You may want to talk to someone there.

Good Luck