Finding a Balance - Not Enough Time!

J.,

I would recommend reading "Sidetracked Home Executives" or going to www.flylady.com

Good luck,
S.

Hi J., I am a full time mother of two - a 3 month old and a 3 1/2 year old. I run into the same struggles but a few things I do to balance my time are: use my lunch break at work to do "me" things like walk with a friend, tan, run to the store and do a little shopping. I also try to do the elliptical and read a magazine or book after the kids go to bed for awhile to wind down. As far as the basics, I often strap my daughter to my chest in her carrier and do cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. around the house with her. She also likes watching me do those things while sitting in a bumbo or bouncy chair - I talk to her and sing and she gets a kick out of that. Hope this is helpful!

I always find that there is more important things in life then a perfect house, however with that said, try flylady.net website which has some wonderful ideas and helpful suggestions to get things done. It is ok to put your child to bed at a decent time and give yourself some me time too. My husband and I also use bedtime as us time, as we have 4 kids and cant afford a real date night. Remember, you are not alone in the world of messy houses and little babies and you will never be that "perfect" woman with the "perfect" house and the "perfect" baby, all you can do is be the best YOU you can be. Good Luck!

Here's what I did - I asked my employer if I could work 32 hours a week (I now get wednesdays off - unpaid), but i still get the health benefits. Before you say "oh, my employer won't go for that, just sit down and make a list of the benefits. Set up a meeting with your boss and BRING A COPY of this list for everyone at the meeting. Remember, it never hurts to ask!

here's some of the reasons why "being a family friendly company benefits both employee and employer" -

employee retention ( mention this one multiple times, it makes them think you might quit if you don't get 4 days)

Less PTO and sick days & time off for Dr. appointments
(espically if they would usually pay you while you are at the dr.) - since you will schedule all appointments on that day off, and if your kid is sick one day you can switch THAT day to be your un paid day off and come in on your usual day off

Avoid the BURN-OUT that can come with being a full time mother and a full time employee. you will be a better employee (which is most important of corse;) AND a better mother if you are allowed to work 4 days a week.

oh, did i mention employee retention? ;)

Reduced Salary:
they only have to pay you for 4 days. it is important to let them know you will be doing a 5 day job in 4 days, which means that while you are AT work, you will have to 'manage your time' and 'work more efficiently', but since you are SUCH a hard worker you know you can do the job most people do in 5days - in only 4 days, saving them a day of pay.

if they say "well then everybody will want to do this" tell them that #1, this meeting isn't about everybody, it's about ME. and #2, not everybody would be willing to make the sacrifices I am willing to make (a day's less pay) and not everybody is willing to work as hard as i am going to work or is able to manage their time and work as efficiently as I can.

oh, and by the way, did i mention that being a family friendly company creates employee retention and loyalty!

This is what worked for me. My daughter is 18 months old, I have had this schedule since requesting it when I went back after maternity leave. you won't believe the difference ONE day makes! I signed us up for a weekly music class, and today we're going to the zoo afterwards... my MOMMY AND ME day is my favorite day of the week.

PS the guilt never goes away. if it's not about one thing, it's about another. I think it comes with the territory when you become a mom!!! But I don't feel guilty on WEDNESDAYS!!

GOOD LUCK! I hope you find something that works for you!

-Ali

I also recommend carrying your son around in a sling while you get things done. I did this when my son was young and talked to him the whole time about whatever I was doing -- laundry, measuring ingredients, etc. It's good bonding time and you'll be surprised how easy it is to use a sling once you get used to it.

I play a bit with my daughter every night, but we comprimise if I can get her to cooperate. I give her the choice. I tell her that I'll play with her for 15 minutes, and then, I have to do some laundry(dishes, Look something up on the computer, rest, etc). Then, I give her the choice to either help me or play by herself. She usually chooses to play by herself. Since I've been doing this, I've noticed that she is alot less needy when it comes to being constantly entertained. She's finding ways to keep herself busy and occupied, which in turn is giving me more time to myself. Hope this helps. Also, sticking to a strict bedtime helps...even if bedtime moves up 10 minutes...luckily, 4 yr olds have NO concept of time. Give him a book in bed if he's not ready for sleeping during the 10-15 minutes earlier bed time.

This may help a little...but I find that my daughter just wants company with her...not neccessarily a playmate. So for instance, if she's in the tub, I'm in there cleaning the sink/toilet/floor so I get 2 things done at once. Then, when we wash her hair, we play "puppy" and the puppy needs a bath, or we play "Salon" and I'm the hair stylist washing my clients hair and I talk to her like she's a customer at a highfashion salon using top quality products and I make up words for the shampoos, like cleansing lotion with avacado oils, etc.. Kids like to role play and they don't often realise at this age that some roleplay is not only fun, but productive. :)

I take a bath every night and read a chapter in my book! My daughter is 5 and an only child, Even when she was a baby i would put her in the bathroom with me with some toy;s in her play pen. Then I would shut the curtain and it became me time. I also take a shower every moring for a little more me time. It is relaxing and I am the cleanest person you would ever meet. Just an idea.,

It gets easier in that as your son can do more for himself you can step back from some of the caretaking chores, but emotionally it gets harder in my opinion. Older kids need lots of communication time. You trade wiping noses for late night talk sessions. I'm amazed by any mom who can work full time and raise kids. I stay home for the very reason that they are so all-comsuming. Spend as much time as you can with them before they grow up. Housework, volunteering, etc. are nothing compared to the joy of raising children well and seeing them go off on their own to make a difference in the world. To get a little "me" time I try to double-up (watch the news while giving a bottle to the youngest, pull a few weeds while supervising the kids in the backyard). The trick is to remember that the people in your life are more important than the tasks. So if I see half the news or weed two feet of garden even though my list says I should do more, I try to let it go and enjoy the family. Don't be fooled into thinking fewer kids mean less work either. In my experience, the more you have, the more hands there are to help. I do very little housework and change fewer diapers now, compared to when I had two, because I have lots of kids trained to help.

SAHM of seven married to a wonderful husband who travels extensively

J.,

I have the same issue. For me, it's taking 30 minutes to exercize when my kids go to bed. I also really like taking some time to relax. I recently joined a company where I sell spa products, our whole philosophy is based on women taking time to nurture themselves.
So I just go grab some of our product-aromatherapy is great and hop in the tub or shower its just nice to take a few minutes to relax.

It's something you can do that's simple for now, and as he gets older, it will be easier....he'll be into everything, but as long as the house is babyproofed, you won't mind him getting into something, while your working on something else.

If you have any interest in any of our products let me know. Or you may have some stuff sitting around the house you can use....just take time to relax. Also, it's important to have some adult time too. See if your husband will watch him for an evening, while you go out with a girlfriend or two for a couple of hours.

Hi J.
It does it easier as they get older. for right now I would say buy a good sling and carry your son and talk to him well you do household chores. or put him in a bouncy seat in the same room and talk to him and make goofy faces at him. If dad is around I would let them have some male bonding time well you get some stuff done or go for a walk. I hoped this helped a little Good Luck:) T.

I have to tell you that you need your mommy time but you need your alone time too and in some ways more. That may sound bad. You should always be there when your baby needs you- thats a given. BUT without taking care of you and nurturing yourself you make things harder for your baby. If you don't feel yourself or get the breaks you need you can become agitated and frustrated and not what you want to be. In giving yourself alone time you are able to give your child more of you. You feel more rested and more invigurated when you are able to nurture yourself.

It was easy when dad got home to hand her over so I could excercise or go to the store. Now he is a stay at home dad with our one year old. It is really hard for me to work all day and then come home. From the minute I walk in..my husband feels relief so he can go off and do his thing. I feel like from the time I walk in to the time she goes to sleep I am holding her,feeding her bathing her. By 8 oclock I am wiped out but sometimes force myself to go to my kickbox class. The weekend me and my husband take turns running out to do our own errands or me time while she is napping. It's tiring but seems to get easier as they get older. Me time is all in how you look at it. Now that is getting nicer you can take walks with the baby. Excerise works wonders. When things are getting a little hectic, we hire a sitter for an hour or two after she goes to sleep so we can go out to eat or something.

Any way you can afford to have someone come in and clean once a month or so? Then you can feel less guilt about the house looking bad, you can just say to yourself... "I dont have to clean that, the cleaning lady is coming next week". I would try not to use something like Merry Maids they are way expensive I have had more luck with someone who is independent. Also, what about having a teenager in the neighborhood who might want to earn a few bucks coming in and helping out....folding and sorting laundry or doing dishes? The only other thing I did when I felt this way was have a serious talking to with my DH and ask him for more help too. When he started picking up after himself and putting the dishes away, it lessened my burdens. Good luck!

Hi J.. I remember those days! I was a wreck walking through my dirty house, seeing stacks of mail and dishes in the sink - but feeling like I needed to spend all my time with Cora (my daughter). Two things helped us:

1) Hubby and I took turns having Cora to ourselves for about 30 mins each. That gave the other person a break to do other things. I'm not sure if you have that option or not - if you're a single mom that's even tougher.

2) But the biggie is when we learned that babies and toddlers need at least 10-11 hours sleep a night and that our little one should be going to bed around 6:30. On one hand, by the time I got home from work that gave me only an hour to spend with her and I felt very guilty, but we tried it and we had a MUCH happier little one. Not to mention I got 3 hours to myself each night to clean, catch up on email, and even watch a little TV! Cora is now 10 months and still goes to bed between 6:30 and 7:00. She sleeps all night and wakes up around 6:00am. Its what's best for all of us, and what most peds recommend, so no need to fee badly about it.

Best of luck to you two!

I know exactly what you mean. Just keep in mind that if you take a little bit of "me" time it will make you a happier more balanced individual...and that will make you a better mommy. I would suggest carving out an hour or half an hour one nite a week to start with. Maybe not even leave the house...just pass the "responsibility" off to your hubby. Let him know that for that time you are going to relax, take a bath, go for a walk...something. My favorite thing is to go to a bookstore or coffee shop and just sit and read a magazine and enjoy a cup of coffee. Taking care of yourself is one of the best ways to be sure you have a happy healthy well balanced child!

What time does your child go to bed? If its early, then do all your tasks after son goes to bed, then do your tasks. Or you just might have to make a bed time say 7 or 8pm.