Beating Myself up Emotionally

I was like that at first with my son, but then as time went on, I started feeling so much better about myself when I got things done--like working out, making baby food, cleaning the house, etc. There are always the days I do not feel like doing anything while he is napping, so those days I get nothing done.
Don't feel like you have to have the house looking perfect or anything. Taking care of a baby is a lot of work and can fill up a day. Relaxing is always good too.
I would try to pick one day a week when you do stuff around the house. And then find some time to exercise, and you will feel great!
But who ever makes comments, well, tell them to come over and watch the baby and clean the house at the same time.
Things will get better

Wow! Have we met?????? Oh yeah, it's called a mirror. I can be that way a lot myself. I also find myself drowning myself in the volunteer projects I do at my daughter's school. It happens, take a breath. Don't feel too guilty. You are not the only one.

The best thing I have found to do is to choose ONE room to start on. Do not try to do everything at once. However, if you can straighten up one room a day, then you will find it will be easier to keep up with as well as rewarding. You are not going to have to tackle the mountain all at once, and you will begin to see a difference. I do this around my house and it really does help.

I know exactly what you're going through! I have had this issue for years and I still do sometimes. My dad told me that "Messes and cooking can wait, but children grow up in the blink of an eye". I would love to do nothing but play with my kids or relax in the time (some days that is all I do), but it's important for us to have clean clothes and dishes to eat off of, etc. I've started getting my kids involved in the cleaning. We play a game called "Who's the Boss?". I put my baseball cap on the child that's the "Boss" and they say what the rest of us need to do to clean one room in our house. When that one's clean, another child get to be the "Boss" and we clean another room. Also, I've instituted quiet time since my kids don't nap anymore. After lunch they have to sit down and watch a movie or play quietly in their rooms so I can watch a recorded show or take a bubble bath. It doesn't always go smoothly, but it's the idea that counts. Don't feel guilty about not getting things done. Your child won't remember that you did the dishes every night, he'll remember that you read to him and that he got to be a big boy that helped put clothes in the dryer.

I feel exactly the same way! It's been bad lately because I've really been inspired with photography and sewing, so my projects are taking over my house and taking up more of my time. As someone who struggles with the same problem, the only things I can offer are to:

A) Let yourself feel good about doing the things you love. When you are gone from the earth, no one will remember whether your house was spotless or not. If you are doing them because you love them, don't feel guilty. Being a SAHM (or any kind of mom) does not make you a maid/housekeeper.
B) Like a previous poster said, make lists for the day. This helps me (I have one for today!) I've also played with the idea of setting an egg timer for an hour for each activity or something like that. That way I don't get sidetracked and lose track of time while doing things I shouldn't necessarily be spending a lot of time on.

Anyway, don't feel bad! A lot of women feel the same way. I think the most important change you can make is an attitude change. Feeling better about yourself will probably make you more productive in the long run. Good luck!

If you want to be productive and feel that you have got a lot done and accomplished then make yourself some lists. Put them on your fridge and check things off. Perhaps you do laundry twice a week, vacuum on Monday and Friday (I know this has to be often, as I too have a 9 month old who will eat anything on the floor) For the daily things like the kitchen, or toys...set a timer for 20 minutes twice a day and make a game of it. See how much you can get done in that 20 minutes. It's amazing that when you know you are "off the hook" after the 20 minutes is over, how quick you can work to get things done! :o) If that doesn't work, join my MOPS (Mother of preschoolers) group and see if meeting with the other moms can help you gain perspective and support! :o)

Hope that helps!

A.,
Wonder Woman was not real ;) You don't mention a dh but I'm hoping he's supportive and not *the one* who makes casual comments that upset you. I will tell you I'm not a great housekeeper either but your baby will only be your baby for a short time. Take it from the mother of a 15 and 16 yo. You will wake up one day and they will be all grown! Make a plan. Stick to your list. Monday you will clean the bathrooms. That's it. Tuesday you will pick up toys/clutter. Wednesday you will dust. Thursday you will vaccuum. Friday you will do special stuff like clean light fixtures, etc. Every day you will do ONE load of laundry. When you break it down into little baby steps, it isn't so bad. Everynight before bed, make sure your kitchen sink is empty of dishes and that the dishwasher is empty. Nothing like a clean sink to wake up to ;) Oh, and spend about 15 minutes a day "decluttering" (throwing away junk mail, separating bills, putting away toys, etc). This should leave you the weekend to enjoy your activities.....spend time with dh. Here is a big one.....MAKE SURE YOU AND YOUR HUBBY HAVE ALONE TIME. It's so easy to get wrapped up in this itty bitty beautiful baby you created together....but one day your baby will be grown and gone....and you have to make sure you and dh are still "connected". Don't lose each other along the way!

Hi there A.,

I think that MANY Moms can relate to the feelings that you are having. Don't worry, you're not alone! I think that it is something you should talk to your doctor about. If nothing else, you will feel better just because you're taking the time to have somebody else watch the baby and do something productive just for you. Maybe talking with your doctor can help to motivate you. Maybe he/she can help you plan an exercise routine. I know that about the same time after my daughter was born, I had to go on some anti-depressants. Just for a while to help me not feel so overwhelmed. Then after six months, I was over the hump and I stopped taking them. Everybody is different. It may feel good just getting all these feelings off your chest.

Good luck to you! Please let me know how it all turns out!

C. Smith
www.EnhanceYourWayOfLife.com

A.-
While I am not a SAHM, I can empathize with your plight. My only advice would be to treat it like a job-the most important job!! The only thing a working mom like me can say is "learn to multi-task". It's a beautiful tool! Set a schedule and check out Flylady.net. There are always great ideas on the site. But while doing all that, enjoy every minute with your little one- you are indeed very blessed to be able to stay home. All my best.
C.

You alrady know the answer inside of you when you say that "you need time to yourself". My children are getting older, 9 & up, and let me tell you, the house will still be there tomorrow. It never all gets done. Guilt is the devil's way of robbing you of any joy in being a stay at home mom. If you really feel like you have to do "something", then assign a chore to every day of the week and you will feel like you have accomplished something for the day. Good luck!!

Guilt can be a symptom of depression. Other symptoms may include: sleep problems, decreased interest in things you once like to do, decreased energy, poor concentration, appetite increase or decrease, etc. If some of these symptoms are your situation, go see your doctor.
If you are unable to make changes needed to become a happier person, consider counseling. Having children is a huge adjustment and exhausting. Try not to be too hard on yourself, know that you are not the only one that struggles with this, and good luck.

Here are my suggestions...and I was a SAHM for 6 years btw. Make a list of the top 5 "house chores" priorities you have on a daily basis, such as...empty dishwasher, do 1 load of laundry, make the bed, etc....

When you have come up with your list, try to do all these things on a daily basis...praise yourself for getting all of them done in between the "taking care of baby" business. Then you won't feel so bad when you "just" watch TV or play a game during nap time. You DO deserve it you know!

oh honey, i totally understand what you are going through...it could be hormones since having a baby and of course life gets to us all sometimes...i have been there many times...it's hard to come out of it but if you don't pull yourself out you're just going to sink into it deeper. a few things you can do to help...exercise--gives you an energy high and makes you feel much more alive (i hate getting up early to do it, but i hate how i feel if i don't!)...find some time to yourself--just you no guilt, no responsibility--go read for a bit, or maybe that's when you'll exercise, take a long bath or a hot shower, something...find some time with your husband definitely--i find being a stay home mom i need him to devote an evening to me once a week instead of once a month...you may want to contact your doctor if it doesn't get bette--you are home with your baby, enjoy this wonderful time in your life...that's why you made the choice to stay home.
as for the housework...screw it...when you feel better emotionally you will get to it...you and the baby first!!

You know A. I am kinda like that too. but we both need to make our selfs to something. Instead of a HUGE to do list make a list of 2-3 things you want todo in one day and when you get that done then if you have time do something else.

One thing I do it s when I get out of bed I make it. and I go through the up stairs and pick it up then the next floor. And I know you have kids. but one of the BIGGEST things that helps IF you can is not to go to bed with a messy house. pick as you go.

And if you can get your hubby to help you. If your kids are old enough to help pick up thier toys. they can learn this VERY elary. We all do it. just a couple of thoughts. I need to go do some work too, my one problem is I am ALWAYS tried and I have back problems. best wishes

We all have moments of beating ourselves up, so you are not alone. I have 4 children (ages 1 - 13) and I have the same problem. I walk into a room and freak out becuase of the mess, but there are a lot of times I don't do anything about it. When I was younger and just had the older two...I hardly ever cleaned my house and I was very depressed about it! Then we decided to move and I had to keep it clean. Something clicked and I decided to try to keep it that way. Now, I ALWAYS clean the kitchen...first thing in the morning. It is one area I can go and it is always clean. When I have a lot of work to do, I get all my work done first and then set aside time (sometimes only 30 min to an hour) for my "projects" or reading. I exercise while I am brushing my teeth and I take the little ones for walks (we live right by preschool so we try to walk to and from school). Multitasking keeps me sane!

I was in the same place. I wasn't doing much. It took me a while to realize that i am at home now w/my child. I used to work so it was a big adjustment. After my child was about 6mos...I figured out i was suffering from post partum depression so i got on antidepressents & stayed on them for about 8 mos. I was really forgetting to take care of myself & i ended up just laying around the house & i hardly left the house nor did my child.

This is what i figured out:

Remember you are a stay at home & you need to treat it like a job. It's your job so take pride in it!!!

At night after the kids go to bed- I make a list /look at the calender & see what i need to do the following day. Then for 15 minutes only...I run around & tidy up the floors- toys in bin, kitchen counters/table cleaned off- the sink may be full of dirty dishes but that will be for tomorrow. My husband helps by sorting laundry & with the kids baths. When the kids are in the bath & he is watching them- i get their rooms ready tidy up a bit/pajamas out.
Morning: I have to wake up (usually before kids) & shower/get ready/make up & all-even shoes. I start by making the beds/cleaning bathroom. Yes i get interupted w/breakfast, diaper changes/potty times etc. I stop & take care of that.
I usually spend Monday really picking up from the wkend & then by Tues/Wed/Thurs. I can pick up lil here & there & spend more time w/the kids. When napping I do the 15 min. pick up again & then i rest myself...or get on computer etc. That is my reward as sewing should be your reward for a job well done at home. Friday's i really try to tackle most of the laundry.

I do not allow myself to stay in my pajamas b/c i have found that i will lay around & do nothing. I just don't seem to get anything done when i do that. I also do not allow myself to turn on the tv for the same reason.

Also, don't forget to take time for yourself by getting out of the house on wkend alone or since you sew -have hubby tend to the baby for awhile for you to sew! During the week your child needs to get out too-take him to the mall to play in the gym area & meet other moms.

This is your job now & it's an important one. GOOD LUCK!!!! :-)

Hi A.,
A good friend of mine gave me some sound advice when I was going through the same emotions that you are going through. I have four kids and I get overly lazy at times. It's not really lazy but burnt out of doing the same routine over and over and not having time to really do all else and then having no desire to do anything when I do get the time. My friend suggested that I take just ONE HOUR a day to really work hard on a project or on cleaning out or cleaning up with no interuptions. When she first told me this I really didnt take it to heart until I implemented her idea. And truly it works. She explained that being a home mom consists of so many different jobs and it's hard to keep all of our job titles in line. We don't have to be wonder women! We do what we can and the rest will fall in line. And I have started to work a full hour on something that I've needed to get done. I truly hate dishes and laundry but when I have scheduled it during my "hour" it doesnt seem so bad. It may not work for you but it's worth a try. I also incorporate other "things" that I like to do such as scrapbooking, baking, and playing on the internet as well so that my hour doesn't always consist of the boring stuff. My husband has noticed a difference and so have I. Good luck and don't get down on yourself. I'd have to say that when I was working, it was alot easier to work my job and let others take care of my kids and then go home and see them for a few hours a day and have fun and all that then having them around for 24 hours in a day and always having them around me all day and all night long. It is draining emotionally and physically whether you are a wonderwoman or not! Just keep smiling and remember that you are important and you need to do things for you and that includes relaxing and being lazy!!!!!!!! Hope it all works out for you, A.! Sincerely, T.

A.,
Check out FlyLady.net. FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself. The web site is totally free and gives great suggestions about how to work on the clutter in the home. I have started with the "baby steps" on the site and it feels good to be making some progress!
The site is for people who have CHAOS=Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome! I have that and it is good to know I am not alone.
Best Wishes,
M.

Hello A.,

Sewing? I love to cross stitch:) I hear you and your dilemma, I was the same way ( 4 children) and never could get it all done and 1 day I found out I have LUPUS. My whole outlook on life has changed from that very minute. As my dad once said as I was in tears because I couldn't get caught up and he said " D. , if the dishes don't get done today they will be there tomorrow" Don't sweat the small stuff ( I know it's hard) but life is too short and the dishes are just not that important. I work from home and still am never completely caught up. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of your family.
God bless!
D.
www.changestores.info

I have the same problem. I have tried using my computer to make lists and spreadsheets of things that need to be done and on what day and week, etc.

It helps if you just tell yourself that you are going to spend at least one hour every day doing nothing but cleaning and that you cannot do any "fun stuff" until after that one hour of cleaning is done. You'd be surprised how much one hour of cleaning can accomplish. Yesterday, in one hour I:

1. Took out the trash
2. Picked up the livingroom
3. Put away clean dishes
4. Did the dirty dishes
5. Cleaned off the counter tops
6. Swept the kitchen floor
7. Mopped the kitchen floor
8. Made dinner

Just ONE HOUR! Can you believe it?

it's easier to take on the little tasks. If you can't completely clean one room, just work on it for an hour or so and take a break. Watch your T.V. show, play a game on the computer. But try to get back to it if you can. If you can't, who cares? Work on it for another hour tomorrow. By the end of the week, you will have spent 7 hours working on cleaning your house!

Also, do little things around the house every day to keep it looking clean. If you make breakfast, eat it, and immediately after you're done clean up the mess. Little maintenance things like this really add up. It's easiest to do dishes when they have JUST been dirtied and they are not hard and crusty. LOL.

About laundry:

You don't have to spend an entire day doing it. Do one load a day if you want to.

1. Take a load out of the dryer, fold it, put it away, throw another load in the washer.

2. Tomorrow, take the load out of the washer, put it in the dryer.

3. An hour later, take the load out of the dryer, fold it and put it away.

4. Put another load in the washer, put it in the dryer the next day. -- Repeat. By the end of the week, you will have done 7 loads of laundry!

The one thing that helps is me is that i make a very simple to do list. Start small, like just putting two or three things on it for the day, dishes, laundry, trash. Get those done through out the day, youll feel rewarded everytime you cross one off your list which in turn will help you build a bigger one. And keep u from feeling you havent done anything. list three new things each day and in one week you will have it all done! Your son could even play in the water with you while doing dishes and help you put clothes in the wash or dryer. Good Luck!

Don't worry about the dishes, house cleaning, etc. enjoy the time you get to spend with your 8 month old. They are that age only for a short while. Plan activities that he will enjoy and that will get you out of the house. You need to focus on what is good right now. As your son gets older you will find that there isn't enough hours in the day to get everything done and you will begin to do what is necessary. I have raised 3 children and now I do foster care and let me tell you it doesn't change. The chores can wait but the children can't. You will find that you will want to do everything but will have to set certain chores for different times of the day while your son is resting. You can even plan the tv and games around this time as well. Don't beat yourself up it is a fact of life and the children are the most precious thing out there and the time you spend with them is priceless.

I've been a SAHM for 6 years now, my oldest is in 1st grade, and my youngest is 3 months old. I too felt the guilt you describe when my son was young. Over time though, you just grow to realize you are NOT wonderwoman, the house is not going to be spotless, dinner will not be on the table every single night, and occasionally hubby will have to wash his own darn underwear.

Here's how my days go if this helps any...

When the baby naps, I pick a chore that needs to be done around the house and do it, when I'm finished I use what time is left while the baby is napping for myself.

It helps to have specific days for things, like Mondays are vacuum day, Tuesdays are dusting, mopping day, Wednesdays are for laundry, Thursdays for surface cleaning, etc etc.

Girl...hang tough. I am now 50 and have 3 grown children who I raised predominantly by myself having gotten divorced when the twins were almost 2. During the precious time I was able to spend at home, I too noticed my HUGE procrastination mode kick into high gear...still does to this day! LOL...Anyway, my suggestion to you, while it is healthy to play and read and share and spend time with the kids, some stuff definitely has to be completed or you feel like you are wallering in the quagmire. My suggestion to you is to make lists. Take an area at a time. As you complete the list, cross it off and then go on to the next thing. Reward yourself when you have completed a couple of the tasks which you wanted to get done for the day or days or week. I find if I don't have a list...I am sunk and I keep recreating the wheel, daily which then becomes a huge pet peave of my as well. Good Luck....You can DO it!! XO XO D.

Hi A.,

I understabnd exactly where you are coming from...it is a very difficult adjustment...the thing that has helped me out the most has been a website called flylady.net The basic idea is that, you are not perfect, and that until you stop trying to be perfect no one will be happy including your spouse and children...so they recommend taking "babysteps" to hep get you back on track and it all revolves aroung a morning and before bed routine...anyway, I would advise you to check it out...it has been a lifesaver for me...M.

Hi A.-
I don't have any answers for you but wanted you to know that I feel exactly the same way!! We also have an 8 mo old who requires constant entertainment and doesn't like to sleep too much any more. Plus my husband's been travelling a lot with work, so there is no free time for me for housework or barely relaxing! As much as the mess bothers me, remember the mess will still be there, but your baby will only be this old once, so he's more important! You shouldn't feel guilty. I just really feel overwhelmed more so than guilty. And I think you need to relax and watch TV, read, etc, probably more than take care of stupid housework. The only way I've been able to do anything is to get my mom or a babysitter to watch him while I get my stuff done, but obviously this is only an occasional thing. Anyway, don't feel guilty, just enjoy your time with your son and relax otherwise! Hope this helps a little!

M.

I have five kids ranging in age from 18 years to almost 2 years. I think the important thing is to find balance. Spend some time each day on chores, some playing with your son, some reading or doing crafts. Some days you won't manage it and that is ok. You won't have a perfect house with kids in it. I remind myself that once they are grown up and left home, I will miss the mess so cherish it, because that is cherishing your time with them. I have jobs that are priorities such as clean bathrooms, clean kitchen and sweeping up where food gets dropped. I don't get to dusting that often, specially in bedrooms which aren't often seen by other people! A tip I read somewhere said if you dust the shiny things such as TV screens, it makes everything look clean! I try and do laundry almost every day as there is so much of it with 7 of us! If you spent all your time cleaning your house, you would be a pretty boring person with a clean house! (Think of that when you get a comment or see a 'perfect' house! Either that, or they have a cleaner!) I prefer to spend some time having fun with my kids or doing things I enjoy. I also like to read and scrapbook, and I have a home-based business. It does get overwhelming sometimes, but always think of the important things - a bit of dirt/clutter never hurt anyone! I do find writing a to do list and then scratching things off as I do them helps me feel a sense of accomplishment. Hope this helps.

A. - I went through this too. But, it happened when my son was about 4 months old or so. I ended up having to get on a medication for GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. We know we need to chill out and realize that we can't do everything, even though we need to or at least feel like we need to. Just know that if the house isn't super clean - IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE! Just let the laundry go or let the house not be spotless. It's OK! I had to learn to live with a house that wasn't spotless all the time. That's just what comes with having kids. My kids are 7 and 8 months. I constantly pick up the house. I try to limit myself to a few minutes at a time with cleaning and then take twice that for myself. Read a magazine while the baby's sleeping or something simple like that helps me relax. You just have to take it one minute at a time. Trust me... it took a while for me to realize that I too am not a supermom. And for the record those don't really exist anyway! Hope this helps you out a little and know that you are not alone! :) S.

Every time I look around my house and see the mess our family has created I tell myself that I would rather have a happy child than a spotless house. With that said, I would still like to have a presentable house so if someone would stop by I don't feel embarassed. So this is what I do. I have a 6 month old daughter and she typically takes two good naps throughout the day. During her first nap I do as much cleaning up, laundry, etc. that I possibly can and during her second nap I do something that I enjoy (such as scrapbooking). I need that me time to keep me sane and my family needs me to take it too because if I'm not functioning to the best of my ability, neither will my family. So don't feel guilty for taking some me time.

Try getting a timer (just a simple one that goes to an hour) and split up your tasks. Set yourself to a task for only 15 minutes. It's amazing how much you will get done doing things in small segments.

I often get overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of what I have to do - that is when you give up and sit down with a book ;).

Now, having said that, I know many women with lovely children and messy households. I work on my house when I can, and yet it usually looks like the closets exploded and then the contents were ransacked by monkeys.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.