First Grade Girl Suddenly Having Fits About Going to School

I have a little girl who tried this for a while. She still does it (3rd grade now) once a year or so, but we nipped it by making her time when she DID stay home BORING. She had to stay in bed and rest all day long. No TV and very little toy time (she could read books). Another option I will try next time she does it (now that she is older), is to have her do what I do (sweep, mop, do dishes, take out the trash, and laundry).
Good luck,
Amy

I can't help but wonder if she is being teased at school by someone. As a kid I remember not wanting to go to school because I didn't want to see a particular kid on the bus who tormented me all the time. If you haven't asked her, it might be a good idea to see if there is something like this going on, and if there is, helping her to develop some tools to cope with it. Anyway, hope that helps. Good luck.

There are some remedies that help deal with grief. Ignatia Amara in 30c was helpful for my son and Bach Rescue Remedy.

Hi J.:

I had breast cancer (I had a mastecotmy five years ago) and I am a parent educator. Have you spent any time in her classroom observing and/or volunteering? I am guessing you asked her a lot of questions like: Do you like your teacher? Who do you like to play with? Does the teacher yell? Is the classroom loud? Is everyone nice to you? Ect. My experience tells me that there is either something very uncomfortable in the school environment and/or she thinks that if she begs, complains, and resists hard enough you may give in and let her stay home. Feel free to e-mail me back @ ____@____.com if you want more suppport as one survivor to another. Warmest, Peg

I've never replied to one of these but couldn't help having a thought about your story. It sounds to me by what you've said that you're right...she wants to be with you. My guess is it may have to do with your reconstruction surgery coming up...I don't know how the course of your cancer and treatment went, but I wonder if going through all that left her afraid of losing you. Maybe there are books you could check out from the library about coping with Mom being sick or I wonder if there anyone you and she could speak with that could help her with her fears and reassure her the worst is behind you and this next step is just a part of moving forward.
Don't know if that will help, but best of luck to you and I hope everything works out.

Hi J.,
Do you know who her friends are? Is someone bullying her at school?
S.

Because your little girl was happy about school prior to vacation, it sounds more like something happened at school that has your little girl upset. Perhaps at the beginning of the day, before class starts since this seems to be the worst time for her. This could be anything from a new kid that may be a bully to a simple remark made by someone that scared your little girl. For example, someone could have made a comment about your cancer in some way, a remark about having only one breast or that you are going to die. Remember that children speak with candor (they don't put a lot of thought before they speak)and can sometimes be very cruel even if that is not their intention. Try talking some more with your daughter. Try to find out if something happened the day before she started acting out. Talk with the teacher again and see if the teacher can recall any incidents. Sometimes, when talking with little ones, you have to tell them a story of your own experience when you were a child and how you resolved it. This gives kids reassurance they are not alone in the world of bad experiences. Children usually act out when something happens to them that they don't know how to express in words. If this isn't something at school and is about your cancer, again, you need to talk to her - a lot more than once - to reassure her. You have survived cancer! That's a really big deal. Did you have a celebration party with your whole family? If not, do one. Our children experience our lives with us because it affects them also. She experienced what must have been a horrible ordeal for you - she now needs to experience the joy of survivorship. On that note, I also recommend a "New breast for Mommy" party just before leaving for your reconstructive surgery. Make sure your daughter understands what is happening to you, why it is happening, and how important it is for you. As parents, we are very strange. On one hand we push our kids to be smart beyond their years - on the other hand we don't give them enough credit to be smart enough to understand something. Talk to her with a combination of truthful seriouness and playful humor. Help her to laugh at whatever is bothering her. It will release a lot of the tension she is feeling. As for talking to her about how important her education is, children at her age are not actually mentally developed enough to truly understand a concept that reaches so far in their future. As adults we forget that the mental development of the brain lasts until about age 25. Try a different approach about school. How important it is for her to have a world of her own away from home - her own interests and friends that share her interests. The importance of her experiences to bring home and share with you. Talking and playing with others her age. How they play some things better than you can. How much fun learning is - not how important her education is. Encourage her to share what new things she learned. It's "learning" she needs to embrace, not education. The excitement of learning is natural at her age - the importance of education is an adult thing. I hope this helps you to help your daughter. Congratulations on your survivorship and good luck on your surgery!

Hi, how much does your daughter know about this surgery? Two things come to mind. One she is afraid she is going to loose you, you are not going to be okay and two, something happen at school to make this shift. What is happening on the playground, what is happening in the class. Kids don't just suddenly make this drastic a change without there being a reason.
Did she over hear you talking about the surgery? Does she know you were fighting cancer? I sense she is connecting the dots here with you going away and the trama of your mastectomy. She needs to know you are safe. Ask her what she is afraid of, ask her if she is worried about your going away...build trust from there.
K.

Hello J.,
Your daughter is still afraid that you are going to die from your breast cancer. Pray with her for God to give her peace to carry her and you through this time of trial. Let her know that God is taking care of Mommy and that the doctors did a good job of removing the cancer and now the doctors have to take healthy skin to replace your breasts. Pray with her every morning and let her know that Jesus is with you all the time and with her all the time even when your daughter can't see you, Jesus can. D.

A serious spanking every time she acts like this will soon cure the problem.

I am sorry not to have any great advice for you - my children are still very young so I haven't dealt with this yet, plus I am sure it is a very individual issue and not one that is just a "phase." I really just wanted to tell you that you sound like a WONDERFUL mother. It is so obvious that you are sensitive to her and that you are trying to respect her as a person while helping her through a tough time. I really pray you can get to the bottom of the issue as I'm sure it's painful to see her struggling. Keep up your great work - you are fabulous, it is obvious.

My daughter went through very similar thing but in 4th grade. She had always been a good student happy & outgoing then all of a sudden she decided she didn't want to go to school and fought it every day. I talked to teacher who said she didn't know why I even talked to the yard duties to see if she didn't have friends at recess or was being picked on but nothing. I made an appointment with the school psycologist and she said she was very well adjusted. I never did really find out for sure what the problem was but I think it was my dad was living with us and very ill I think she didn't want to be away from him and/or was jeaulous of the attention my dad was getting from me (I was the main caregiver of him). It could be she is really MORE worried about you then she is saying. She could have heard someone talk about someone dying from cancer and now is afraid to leave you. I would see about getting her someone to talk to the school should have a psycologist on site that would be free. Sorry I don't have any quick fixes. By the way after several months my daughter did get over it hang in there but also solicite any help you can. Good luck both with her and with your surgery. God Bless

Congratulations on your fight against cancer. I think all children have a time when they realize school is going to continue to happen and fight against it. My 1st grader did it this year as well. Not in the way your child has. Instead he has pushed other kids, knocked on other teachers windows on the way to the restroom, and had a "tummy ache" which required him to visit the nurse more time then I can count. I know he is seeing the nurse for some TLC. He's used to it from me and all his previous teachers. I believe he hasn't bonded with this teacher in anyway. She is kind and helpful but he doesn't care to impress her. After speaking with his teacher we decided she would have a chart taped to her desk showing the day broken into 20 min increments. Each 20 min. will show a star or a circle next to it. The class doesn't know what it is and my son can look at it anytime to see where he stands. When he brings it home with all stars I give him tokens (plastic pirate coins) to place in his jar. When it's full he can pick from a predetermined list of things he'd like to do. Movies with daddy, walk on the beach with papa, ride quad in backyard, sleep in tent in backyard, etc. You said her troubled time is in the am. Maybe she can receive a stamp on top of her hand from her teacher everytime she come into class with a smile ready to learn. Or maybe you can have a neighbor, friend or family member, someone she adores take her to school once a week. As long as she is a good girl going to school this ride will contiune. Or, you said you are the mother of two, maybe you two can agree the night before to have a great morning the next day with lots of smiles an happy songs on the way to school and when she is done with her learning time you and she will have some mommy and me time at the park, getting ice cream, putting together a puzzle. Good luck. 1st grade seems to be a rough time here too.

J., Hi. My name is B. and I'm a cancer survivor. There is a great support group for kids that meets and the Brea Community Center. Kids Konnected is a support group for kids who have had or have a parents with cancer or who have lost a parent to cancer. My kids love it. Please look up the website. They have flyers at the community center. Your daughter is old enough to come. She will meet other kids who know how she feels. The therapist who leads the group is great and the teen helper has been through losing her father to cancer. I can't tell you how much it has helped. Parents get to meet to during the meeting. We meet the 4th Tuesday of the month. Check it out. B.

My dear, I hope this advice finds you well. Though my thoughts may not be grand, and who knows you may have even tried it, they are from the heart.

As you said, your little girl wants to be with you. Use this information to help make her make the choice to go to school. Ask her what she want's to be when she grows up? When she answers work backwards...say okay baby you must go to collage, but first you have to go to high school and get good grades there, and before that...so on and so forth. Tell her how proud of her you will be when she does get to her goal, and how proud of her you are when she makes the choice to start on that goal now.

You said that you are a cancer survivor. I'm not sure how old your little girl was when you where going threw this painfull part of your life, but if she was old enough to remember this I'm sure she fears to leave you because of that fear that she felt at the time. Reassure her that you will be there for her when she get's home from school and you two can share a "only you" moment and discuss how much you love her and proud of her choices.

Best of luck to you in all that you do. ~ Liss

Hi J.,

My heart goes out to you. I'm sure your experience has been rough on everybody and that your daughter is hearing or sensing things that you have no idea about. I have a 6 1/2 year old daughter, a 4 year old daughter and a 1 1/2 year old son. My oldest daughter has become so perceptive this year and seems to understand so much more. She fought going to school almost everyday last year. My husband and I realized that we had started her too young in Kgt. We were living in a very affluent area and they were pressuring the parents and children to learn how to read. Sadly, my daughter reacted negatively to the pressure. By the end of the year, I was fed up and took her out early. We ended up moving to Reno and started her in first grade. Half way through, I could see that she was struggling and decided to take her out to homeschool. I then realized that I should have done that last year. It's okay to break the rules of the system. My daughter is loving being home and doing so many enriching things that she would not otherwise had the opportunity to do.

It sounds like your daughter wants to be close to you and why not? They are so young to be away from mom 30 hours a week! When family goes through tough times it's important to come together and be there for each other. I'm guessing that she feels this inside of her but doesn't have the tools to express it. My advice would be to take her with you or have her come see you part way through the process, so that she can see you through this. Our children are incredibly resilient and deeply feeling. It might be worse to make her tough out the time you are gone than to have her see you in the hospital, assured that you are safe. Can you imagine what it would be like if your daughter had to leave for 10 days to undergo a serious operation and you were not allowed to be there by her side? It's unthinkable! I would guess that that is how she will feel.

Good luck. Just remember, family really does come first, not first grade.

I think she can sense that you are anxious about things going on at home. She probably likes school, but is afraid to leave you at home alone. You need to have a talk with her and tell her that nothing bad is going to happen to you while she is at school. Also let her know that you will need to be away in May and that she is a big girl and can do things without you if she has to. Good luck.

I would suggest you take her out of school for the rest of the year and homeschool her. If she is truly anxious about being away from you, due to your illness perhaps, let her be home, if she is reasonably on track with her schooling, she won't be hurt even if your homeschooling is a little behind.
She will start to be a little bored at home by herself (no TV)and after being reassured that you aren't going anywhere she may be happy to go back next year.
Take the pressure off her and yourself.
Good Luck
I just read some of the other responses and I think the idea about volunteering every morning in her class is an excellent idea too. Try that first if homeschooling is not an option.

It does seem to be related to her concern about what you're going through, doesn't it?

When my closest brother died, I went through very intense grief, and my middle daughter (third and fourth grade at the time and also very artistic as yours seems to be) began something similar to what you're describing. She's very sensitive, and she was also very close to my brother, so no doubt she had her own grief to deal with as well.

You're probably already giving her as much reassurance as you can about your surgery and your return from it--but do you have a good female friend or family member who can take an interest in her while you're gone? Someone she's very close to and has bonded with? Or does your daughter have a friend her own age that she's excited to be with? If you could promise her extra playtime--maybe having her friend sleep over once or twice while you're gone--so there's the promise of something exciting happening for her, maybe it will ease it a bit?

The encouraging part is that she will eventually get over it. For us it took a while--here we are two years later--my daughter is finally much happier about school. Part of it is that we've moved her to a new one that really focuses on her artistic talent and is bringing it out more. But part of it is that we're all getting past the worst parts of losing an important member of our family.

Hi J.,

I have four boys who have had different reactions with school.

The outbursts are mostly from two different areas:
1) Someone did something that the child now feels uncomfortable to be around. Feels threatened in some way like being teased or made to feel stupid.
2) The teacher is using words and phrases that the child does not understand and it again makes the student feel like they are stupid and cannot learn and they instinctively reject being there in the class where they are "not getting it".

I would always check if there was someone bothering my child at school, someone teasing or hitting or threatening my child and handle it if there was.

And I would always check if there was something that they were learning that they didn't understand or that they "hated about their studies" which means they didn't understand something about it. Then we would go back and find what they passed by that they didn't get and clear it up.

My other suggestion is to avoid someone trying to put your sweet little girl on drugs. It is the "norm" these days to quickly turn to psychiatric drugs by the schools etc as the "solution" for NORMAL childhood emotions. Don't buy it. The side effects are hideous!! They make the condition much worse and start the child on a lifetime of drug dependancy and many times lead to death from the side effects.

Hope this helps.

Best to you

Chelly

Dear J.,

It seems to me that you are doing all the right things, you've talked to your daughter and her teacher. I also think you already know the reason why she doesn't want to leave you. It is going to be really tough when you leave for ten days. The nice thing about modern day technology is that you can stay in touch, maybe send pictures of your daughter's teddy bear, like that commercial when the Dad takes a business trip.

My suggestion is to volunteer in her classroom the first 30 minutes of the day, telling a little one school is important is one thing, but by being there, you show her its important. Give her a picture of you and her that she can carry in her backpack and visit a book store or library for books dealing with not wanting to go to school. Then you can say something like, do you remember when Emily Elizabeth didn't want to leave Clifford to go to school, lets see if you can be brave like Emily Elizabeth. The school librarian can direct you to some great books. Good luck, I hope this helps.

N.
Former Teacher

Its sounds like you have talked to her a lot. Have you thought about meeting with a school psychologist. maybe they can help you and your daughter discuss some of her feelings about your illness and they can help you and her come up with some solutions as to what will make going to school easier. Sometimes a school psychologist can be very helpful in these type of situations with anxiety and things. I hope things work out and the best of luck with all of your medical stuff.

Hi J.,
At times when one of my sons doesnt want to go to school, it is because he has had a problem with another kid. Is it possible that she is afraid on someone at school? If she is ok in the class room, maybe it is someone not in her class. Is someone saying things to her she doesn't know how to deal with or bulling her? Could there even be an adult she is afraid of for some reason? A reason could be as simple as having gotten a reprimand from someone. Is there a school counselor she could talk to? Or another adult that you could tell her she could talk to when she is feeling this way or when someone is bullying her?

Has your breast cancer scared her in some way that maybe she thinks she may not see you again? Saw something or read something? Maybe just some misconception about something that needs to be cleared up.

I am surely not trying to scare you, little things can be a big deal to kids and scare them, things we wouldn't even consider. Or someone told them something about someone else, things like that.

Or is she just trying to manipulate you? Going to school may not be a bid deal to her, but if she can get you to let her stay home, maybe she is just trying the limits.

As children grow, they become more aware of things around them and can easily get a wrong picture or information about something.

For my children, they don't want to go to school if they are afraid of someone or something. Someone said something to them, or someone told them someone else said something. Or they are afraid of getting reprimanded for not doing homework, or not good enoungh work, afraid to get in trouble for things. Or my toddler didn't want me to leave him places because he saw his daddy leave to Iraq, come back for two weeks R&R and leave again. After he went back from R&R, he did not want me to leave him, even in places that previously were ok. He was afraid mommy would leave and not come back too.
Well, I hope these thoughts help you get to the bottom of things. I know it can be so hard to send a child to school that doesn't want to go. You could seek out help from other organizations such as Focus on the Family. They have a website, I think it is family.org.

Wow! what a tough thing to be going through for all of you! It sounds like she is very stressed - and naturally so. Even as a teacher, there are times when family time is more important than school. At the same time, a regular schedule and a network of friends can make things seem less stressful - especially for a little one - so in that way, school is also a very good thing for a child when a parent is ill. Have you asked her about your suspicions? They seem reasonable. Perhaps a therapist for just a little while would help her feel supported and that she had someone to talk it out with that wasn't mom. Until you mentioned the mastectomy, I thought maybe she isn't challenged enough at school, or maybe she feels like an outsider and doesn't have friends, maybe she is getting bullied - which are all still possible, but your reason seems the most likely. Ask her if you haven't already. Outside of that, tardies and absences can be problematic and school is important, but, it has been a stressful time and if she is in class thinking and worrying about you and missing you while you are gone, she probably isn't really retaining a whole lot of what is being taught anyway. Be understanding and know that she has eleven more years of school to catch up again if she needs to.

Hi J.,
I have a 7 year old son who just went through the same thing. Right after the holiday break, he started not wanting to go to school, complaining of stomachaches, headaches at first. Then he started balking when it came time to leave the house, refused to get on his bus at the bus stop, then refused to leave the car when I drove him to school. It went on for seven weeks and we were at our wits end. His was primarily a problem with being separated from me, as once he was at school he was fine.

We tried a million different things -- first waiting him out in the car, giving him 10 more minutes to be "ready," but this sometimes went on for two or three hours. I picked up a a friend to go to school with him which helped the most. We also did things like arrange for him to help the custodian raise the flagpole, or to be the special helper who brought must-have coffee for the teacher. The school counselor met us out front and walked him some mornings to ease the transition, too.

I would put some of these special things in place for her while you are gone, arrange for playdate rewards for her arriving at school on time, maybe a reassuring phone call from you at an appointed time to her at school/just after school would help. If you have the ability to do so, learn to send photos from your phone to the teacher's phone so she can get occasional special messages from you.

I wish I could tell you that these things ultimately solved the problem. But our son is fragile, too, and experienced anxiety in other areas of his life as well. So we have had to turn to medication (after trying a host of other things including meditation, yoga, homeopathy, acupuncture, etc.) The problem has now resolved itself but we are changing his school next year, too. We believe that part of the problem is the large class size and the boredom he experiences being confined to his seat. Though the school doesn't cause his anxiety, we believe he will be better served by a different format and a smaller teacher-student ratio.

Be well!

J.,
Think about how you might feel if your Mom got cancer and how everybody worried about how things were going to turn out. Maybe it wasn't explained to her....or you thought she was too young to understand. How long were you in hospital?
Now, you are going BACK to a hospital, and you may not have explained to her what you are getting done there, or why.
She seems very sensitive?
Has there been anyone talking to her about any of this??
If you talk openly about all the medical stuff, then she may relax a bit. She may have heard only bits and parts...and it's scary to think about Mom being gone.
W.

Wow! You have alot on your plate with worries about your own surgery and your daughters issues. My 11 year old daughter went through this also and it was horrible for both of us. I spoke to an educational Psychologist and she told me this was a normal time for separation anxiety-anxiety from leaving dear old mom. Kristen would kick, scream, hit the principal, brush everything off her desk and then 10 minutes into class the teacher said she was very well adjusted. This went on for about 3 months and some of the things we did are:
I dropped her off at the sitter a little early and she took her to school, which did help since she wasn't leaving me.
The principal was great and would take Kristen, kicking and screaming to a PE room where there were mats and she just let Kristen tear that apart for awhile; and she sometimes went with the Psycologist and just walked around campus until she calmed herself and was ready for the day. Kristen was never marked tardy for this, as she was at school on time. The support I received was incredible.
It all ended within 3 months and she has never done it again--she is now in 6th grade. Best of luck! K. ###-###-####
Also, on the cancer end, I would love to have you visit my website Karen4betterhealth.com, because nutrition is of the utmost importance to getting and keeping your body in top condition. IT has been through alot!

The best thing to do is sit down and ask your daughter why she doesn't want to go to school. Listen, but don't lecture her about how important school is. Maybe there is a bully problem that she is trying to avoid and that is what is going on, but you won't know unless you sit down with her and try to get her to talk about school, and what it is she is having problems with.

Yes, she may just want to be with you, but there may be something more too. By talking to your daughter, you are getting to the bottom of the real reason she doesn't want to go to school, then you can talk to her teacher or principal about the problem from there and get to problem (if it is a bully) solved.

So sit your daughter down, in a non-threatening way (just you and her- a momm daughter date)- take her to Chuckie Cheese or McDonalds (or somewhere similar), and while you are eating, ask her why she doesn't want to go to school, what is going on at school, etc. and then LISTEN to her, don't judge, interupt or lecture her, this will only make you and her upset. When SHE is done talking, then let her lay, or do something that shows her that you appreciate her talking to you. (This will also help as she gets older-teenager). She will open up more if she knows you will listen and can be trusted.

Good Luck! I know it is hard to listen with out judging, interupting etc. but it helps so much!

I wonder if there is something going on at school that is scaring her. Is there bullying? Teasing? Is it too loud or crowded for her? I would talk to the teacher and the other moms to see if there is some social thing going on in the class. Also, ask your daughter and the teacher to describe her activities during the day. Who does she play with? Who does she eat lunch with? Is there one or two other kids she sits with in class? Does she talk about friends and have play dates? It is important that she have friends at school.
As for your time away from her, don't emphasize how long it is - talk about how fast the time will go by and how much you will have to talk about when you come home. Make sure she has a lot of activities planned during those 10 days. I would recommend having dad or grandma or a nanny stay with her every day. Consistency is very important at that age so try to avoid a different sitter each day. Send photos with your phone or via the internet to the sitter. Call every day and do your level best to be upbeat and interested in her day. Good luck to you - I hope it all goes well!

Hi J.-
I can see you got alot of responses, which is great. I was not able to read all of them. My niece had the same problem. She would cry and get angry, she did not want to go to school. My sister had numerous meetings with the teacher, they could not figure it out. They had many talks with Ashley, trying to get the real reason. Finally i talked to her and she broke down! She was in 1st grade, and there was a bully in third grade. he really was giving her a bad time. he eventually got kicked out of that school and not to mention, they went to the same day care after. He got kicked out of there as well... So maybe something else is going on that she is afraid to talk about... just throwing it out there.
Good Luck!

Hi J.! I have had this problem with my daughter off and on for two years. It started before school began in first grade and has continued to happen throughout second grade as well. There are many factors that may be contributing to her anxiety. Have you tried to get in contact with the school psychiatrist or counselor? This seemed to help for us. Just knowing there was another adult at school she could go to helped ease the anxiety for her. I know sometimes it may be difficult to arrange but maybe trying to have her go to school with a friend. This is also something that has helped my daughter. She has a close friend and loves the other mom so goes with them to school during stressful times without so much reluctance. I'm sure your health issues also scare her and she wants to make sure you will be there when she gets home. I would also arrange to meet with the teacher and find out if she is having trouble academically or are they learning something new that intimidates her. My daughter is such a perfectionist when they start learning things that are unfamiliar to her she starts to freak out. She lacks confidence for a while which causes her to want to run the other way. For this I have hired a tutor eventhough I am a teacher myself. My last suggestion is to offer some kind of reward. By making a chart and having her earn stickers or stars for the times she goes without a fuss and having her earn some alone time with her or a trip for ice cream, nothing too extravagant just little things that may motivate her. If it works you can eventually wean her from it and move from something daily to every 2 days to weekly. But to get started I suggest an immediate reward as to motivate her a little more. It may be a stage since she is fine once she settles in at school, being a teacher when something stressful is happening at home and if she is aware of you leaving for surgery, this could be scaring her. Good luck and let me know what happens. Hang in there I know it is frustrating at times but try not to react and play into her behavior as hard as it may be! H. G.

J.,

I don't know if this will help because it may not be the case with your daughter, but, my son ocassionally goes through episodes like this too. He is a double special needs child, Asberger with a hearing loss, who normally loves going to school.

What we have found is that when he starts wanting to stay home from school it means he is having problems at school. Usually it has been that the class hasn't been challenging enough for him.

You might want to look at the timeline of events too. When did your daughter find out about your up-coming surgery? How are you and family members handling this? If there is a lot of nervousness, worry and anxiety oveer this being expressed within the household/family, then your daughter is probably picking up on this. She could be scared.

These are not professional opinions, just personal life experience ideas. Food for thought - talk with your daughter about her feelings and yours too. Let her know it's okay to worry, but that she can help you not to worry so much by doing her best too, because you know she loves you too.

Good luck with the surgery and God bless!

D. D

Wow, good luck with the surgery. When did your daughter become aware that you were going to be gone? Was it around the President's Day Break? It's pretty scary for a little one to deal with her mom's illness, have you taken her to a counslor to talk about her fears? This is a BIG stress on all of you, your boy is probably scared, too. Maybe you could be with her as she talks, so it's not another place she has to be alone without you at. The other thing to check out is the relationships between the children at school. Maybe her classmates are not a problem, but maybe when she gets out to the playground, there are issues with some other kids. Unfortunately, the "mean" girl issues seems to start earlier then they used to & your girl is under stress already, so maybe coping with the school social issues, in addition to your illness is too hard for her.

Little ones pick up on things like you wouldn't believe! I don't know how recent your bout with cancer was but that sure can scare a little girl no matter how careful you are to reassure her. She's been through a lot in her little life and watched you go through a lot too. I am confident that you are correct Mommy when you say she just wants to be with you. She knows something's up and may not feel safe unless you are in her sights. Unfortunately, sometimes we just have to play the cards we're dealt. Even when we're in first grade. It's heartbreaking. What you're looking for is a state of homeostasis in a topsy-turvy time in your lives. It's important to be strong, confident and matter a fact for her and your son, "This is just what we have to do", with a good attitude. Is there really no way that you can have reconstructive surgery closer to home?

Regarding school I would give her things to look forward too. Maybe arrange to work in the class at the end of the school day, just for a half an hour. I can't imagine her teacher not being supportive and understanding, assuming she knows what's going on at home.

Hello,
Keep you head up! I was a teacher before I had my baby. From the information you provided, it seems like your little girl is struggling with what is happening to you. Children tend to react to stress even if they do not what the stress is.

As you know, the tardies and absences will effect her grade. She cannot learn what she is not there to see and hear. But she might need to work on the basics again.

Do the flashcards for the sight words and math facts.

Ask the teacher to give you the work on Friday for her next week in school. That will give your daughter the weekend before to start learning the work and time to become more comfortable with the information.

The teacher also has extra information for the students to do in her books that they usually do not have time to do in the classroom. Ask the teacher if she will provide you with it to do at home.

Many of the text books have information for the students on-line. I know Houghton Mifflin does. See if that helps.

I hope that helps!
K.

I was a first grade teacher for 12 years. I never had a student who did this. There HAS to be something happening at school that is causing her stress. it sonds like she likes her teacher and that the teacher is nice and everything. maybe she is nervous about the state standardized tests that they take starting in first grade? Perhaps there are some bullies picking on her when no one else is aware? You have to find out soon becuse first grade is so important and she can not miss too much. I don't want her to hate school. Most little kids love it!

This definitely seems like it could be linked to your upcoming surgery. Does the school have a counselor? Perhaps it would be helpful if your daughter could talk to someone besides her teacher. That way, someone could be onsite at the school to help her deal with issues as well.

It sounds like you may have given in to her request to stay home in the past and she might still be playing on that.
Find out if there is something deeper going on there, like other kids picking on her. School should be fun at this age, so it's got to be something bigger - problems at school or a fear of leaving you. Sounds like you have your own problems at home, she might be affected by your health. She might be understanding your cancer more now than ever. You have probably done this, but trying to explain and assure her you are fine now couldn't hurt.

Good luck, hang in there. It will pass.

Hi, J.. Your situation isn't rare. When I used to teach in elementary school, there would be lots of kids that would act out the way your little child does. Anyway, maybe there is more to it than just being developmental. If it is at all possible, ask the teacher if you could sit in the class one day just to observe your child and make her feel secure about being in school. If not, try to explore the possibilities of a classmate bullying her, or a teacher making her feel scared, or some school activities that may have left her feeling frustrated or disappointed with herself. There could be a lot of reasons why she is acting out. Or maybe she feels being in school means being away from you. With that, you could try to spend more bonding moments with her, especially with your upcoming surgery. There's a whole lot of possibilities to explore. Don't worry - it is a phase in your child's life that will pass and I hope that it will pass making your child a better person. I will keep you in my prayers as you undergo your surgery. Good luck!

I know that you have already had several responses, but I just wanted to see how things were going. My daughter did this for the first and most of second grade (she is in third now) and its awful to force them to stay someplace they dont want to. After lots of talking and a therapist, we discovered two things: she has seperation issues and she is ADD. So the first thing we did was change our diet and then we found little things in a pocket, pack pack or lunch box from me was great! Even if she could not see them she knew they were there. Your daughter knows that you will have to be gone soon and she might just be reacting to the anxiety of your seperation early! I pray for all of you and am inspired by you ability to survive! God bless.

put a tape recored in her backpack perhaps something in cooking

I'm speaking as a teacher and a parent. I think you're right on about your daughter wanting to be with you. In many cases I'd think it might be something that happened at school, but this one seems pretty obvious--she's afraid for her mommy.

My advice would be to have plenty of honest talks with her about your health, about how you're getting better so you can be there for her. Unknowns are scary for little ones. If her teacher doesn't know what's going on, tell her. She needs to know so she can help your daughter, rather than complaining about her attendance. Ask for a student study team (SST) meeting with the teacher and the principal to come up with some ideas to help your daughter feel better about coming to school. Check and see if your school has a therapist that she can talk to. That can do wonders also.

My son has trouble leaving me to go to school sometimes too, for different reasons. It's helped to make sure we have some quiet time together in the morning before he goes--that way it's not like he's out of bed and it's suddenly separation time. Apart from the 10 days you're gone, perhaps something like that might help.

And wow, shame on the person who's trying to make you feel guilty for sending your child to public school at a time like this.

Meanwhile, I hope YOU are doing okay. What a loving mom you are to be concerned for her with all you are going through. My prayers are with you.

Ask the school psycologist talk with her and ask the teacher to see if he/she knows any reason for the change. Since the teacher spends so much time with your child, that would be the first person to talk to.
Maybe she's not getting to enjoy her artistic talets as much since academia has kicked in...explore that.

Start planning the 10 days away with her now. Don't shock her with it. Plan a day out with her before you go, writing paper for her to send you letters while you're gone, have her help you figure out on the map how far it is away and facts about where you're going as if she is going with you - because she IS in your heart. When you get where you're going, buy postcards, fill them out ahead of time and have someone mail them a day at a time, since you probably won't be able to.

May God Bless you with a quick and complete recovery & peace.

I'm no expert, but it sounds like you have gone through a life threatening illness and your daughter is suffering some of the after-effects of being afraid of losing her mommy. Sounds like you need to talk to her counselors at school and her pediatrician to see if a therapist may be helpful in helping her work through these issues.

Hi J.,
Home schooler here. Trust your child. Go to youtube and type in John Taylor Gatto. Sending your child to school is the equivalent of allowing the state to parent her. They DO NOT know better than you. Congrats on surviving breast cancer. You must be a strong woman. Trust in your own abilities. Who can watch your angel when you are gone for this surgery? Take her out of school. Check out home schooling. And don't worry about socializing. There is plenty out there besides school. Is it really natural for a child to sit still for the length of a school day? I think not. The bible says it is the children who will lead us. Don't worry. ALL IS WELL.

J., I am not sure how much help I can be, since I have 2 little boys. But your request really struck me for some reason and I felt I had to respond to you. My sons are only 3 & 4; however, I did have some problems with my 4 year old going to preschool similar to what you were talking about with your daughter (one week he was fine next week he didn't want to go). I spoke with his teacher and she told me that one of his buddies at school had moved and was no longer in the class. She started trying to get him a little more involved with some of the other children and this seemed to help a lot. Not sure but maybe one of her friends at school left/moved and she is now feeling that maybe you or someone else close to her will leave too when she is away at school?? The other thing you may want to look into is perhaps having someone other than the teacher or yourself speak with her and ask her why she doesn't like school anymore? Maybe one of her friend's moms or one of the other teachers at the school that she knows. The director at our preschool spoke to my son and he told her more about why he didn't like school anymore than he told me or his teacher. Sometimes it seems that the children will talk to someone that is outside the situation a little more than those of us who are involved with the day to day activities. Regarding the leaving for 10 days in May, obviously reassure her before you leave. Keep in touch while you are gone, and maybe if you wrote out 10 little notes to her and have those given to her each day you are gone? My husband is an airline pilot and is gone 3-5 days at a time, we count the days down by bedtime stories (3 more bedtime stories then Daddy will be home... 2 more stories etc). Another thing he does is ask the boys what they want when he comes home...they love cookies so usually he brings a couple of cookies home. One last thing you may want to arrange for some sort of special something you can do together when you get home (obviously something easy since you will still be recovering from surgery). Include your daughter in the plans before you leave so she will know that when you come back it is something you will do together! I know this is long and rambling but hope some of it will help, good luck and you will be in our prayers!

I J., I read about you being a writer and a breast cancer survivor. Here is a terrific site for writers, and if you get the latest newsletter (author marketing is the main name of the newsletter) and scroll down, she has a linc to a site for women who are breast cancer survivors. I got Penny's site when I went to the writer's conference in January at SDSU. Hope you enjoy the newsleter as much as I do:
____@____.com

E. K.
My website is:http://www.lifefocuscenter.com

Hi...I just wanted to say, that while it may be very well due to you and everything your daughter has seen you go through with your breast cancer, as someone said earlier, talk to her about what's going on at school as well. My son, also in first grade, loved going to school! In kindergarten he missed one day, which was due to the school being on lock down. But he LOVED school. And within the first 3 weeks of first grade, he was complaining of stomachaches, and his excitement for school was dwindling. He finally came out and told a mind blowing story of what was happening to him in the boys bathroom, by another 6-year old boy, who he thought was was his friend. I'm not saying anything is happening to your daughter such as that to my son, but be aware that something could be happening at school. MY husband and I chose to pull our son out (after the school did nothing), and I was fortunate enough to be able to homeschool him, just until he felt comfortable enough, and built his self-esteem back up, thanks to therapy, to go back to school (not the same one of course!). He is now back in school, different school, different district, and he is loving it again!

The first thing that comes to my mind is she is fearful that you may not return most likely that she is discovering some of the fears about breast cancer and survival. She is too young to really rationalize that you are a survivor. I would go and purchase a little soft something (ball, animal, piece of fabric) and tell her that this is a special item that is just for her to remind her that you are ok and you will be returning soon. She can put it in her back pack or in her desk. All she has to do is give it a little touch and it reminds her that it is ok to have fun and learn at school because mom will be with her soon.
It is up to you to gently teach her that lots of other mommys have had breat cancer and they are still with there little girl and you are taking good care of yourself to be able to stay with her, so she has to help you by going to school and being a good learner and have fun with her friend. Just be age approprietly honest and communicate a lot. Explain to her about the surgery you are going to have and that you will be returning on a certain day. Make a calendar to prepare her and show her when you return. Fear of the unknown is huge for children when they are beginning to develop fears about loss. It is very black and white and you have to help them with the gray. Good luck!