Follow up in Sons Father Visiting...

Ugh, sounds like my ex. Do NOT let him get to you! he's being a complete, jackass, jerk, prick (scuse my language) about it & maybe even starting to feel bad that he SUCKS as a father/dad and he's putting that on you. don't succumb to that crappy feeling, as most of us would because we're human & nice people! :)
continue forth w/what you know is right which is mtg w/him first & YOU deciding if it's a good thing for him to be involved. my ex has supervised visits now and the ball IS in my court - and i love it. i'm there at every visit (due to other circumstances), but still, maybe try it like that at first. (i'm pretty sure you wld since your baby's 3 & NEVER really known that guy - ugh). anyway, my only point was, he's trying to make you feel bad for HIS shortfalls. YOU'RE the one who's been raising this sweet boy from day one, and it IS up to you who you involve. you have to make sure it's a healthy relationship, and will benefit your son. if he's gonna flake or keep hurting your son (by not showing up)...that's something to consider when thinking about future visits. just my opinion. i'm right in the thick of something very similar & speak from experience, i promise. i wish you strength & patience w/yourself lots of love! good luck mama! :)
(btw, my boy's 2.5 yrs)

My first reaction and thought was that this man was trying to put his emotional guilt trip on you and that's not only unfair it is cowardly.

Now that my initial anger has subsided somewhat, the course of direction to be taken by you hasn't changed. You are going to do what you deem in the best interest of your son. This decision will take you down a strange road because at times you may need to override your emotions with the fact that you are doing what is best for your son. Your son needs a father, firstly he may need his father. Your son has a half brother who he may need to know too.

Children get their identity and self esteem from the family.

You are on the right track in trying to talk with his father. Keep trying that track but don't ever allow this man to be disrespectful to you in thought, word or deed for this wouldn't be in your son's best interest. Also try to not use your son as a pawn and keep his understanding of things age appropriate. Keep the lines of communication open with your son and as best you can with his father.

Unfortunately no woman can teach a boy how to be a man. Make certain your son has a host of active safe men to grow up with and he will be fine even if he has a manipulative jerk for a father at this time. People can change. Your focus should always be on developing your son into the kind of man that will make a positive difference in the community around him.

I would reply to his message and say that you want him to have a relationship with his father--and that every child should have a positive relationship with his children (should doesn't mean will, sadly). But that your whole goal in this is to see that our (meaning the two of you) son is not hurt by inconsistencies or lack of follow-through. The fact that our son is aware of what's going on around him means that it will be very hard on him when he realizes that Daddy is supposed to be with him, but Daddy didn't show up, after promising he would.

Reiterate that you do not want not to see his (our) son, but that you don't want to see his son hurt either. And that is why you're asking for clarification.

Keep a copy of this (send via text or email, and print out a copy). So when your son says to you some day (if he does), why didn't you let me see Dad, you can show him that you tried to encourage a relationship, but that his Dad did not follow through.

If he cancelled out already, he will do it again and again. this will be very hard on your son when he gets older and expects him to show up. I wouldn't feel guilty with him claiming it is all you. It is to bad that the brothers won't be able to have a relationship though. The ball isn't in your court by any reason other then his dropping it. I don't know if there is another male figure in your son's life but he needs one so if nothing else have an uncle or grandfather spend time with him doing "guy things".

One thing you can try is scheduling regular visits like one weekend a month with him and insist there is no backing out of it. Chances are he will claim he can't do that and blame you for it not happening, but at least you put the ball back in his court.

So what did he mean by that? Did he mean that he only wanted a relationship under his rules and didn't like that you were going for something official? Is he chafing at the idea of paying child support? I'd like to know what he meant by "since you got the court involved". Honestly, an official order is protection for you, your son and the father. If he's only seen the boy 3 times and that's his reaction, then I think you have your answer. I'm all for supporting a relationship, but if he's not going to step up to the plate, you need to know and your son doesn't need a wishy washy father who only has time for him when he feels like it. It was an honest question.

I agree with Kimberly and Diane. My ex was not a very responsible man at the time our now 22 year old was born. He would make plans and promise things and then not follow through and I would be left holding the bag with a dissappointed little boy.
I learned to make back up plans for the day and had the ready made answer on hand. I would explain that I know he is disappointed things fell through but he needed to know daddy loved him very much he just wasn't that responsible yet. Our son would accept this and we would do whatever else we had planned for the day.
One day his dad called to break plans (again) and my son explained to him it was OK because he just wasn't very responisble yet, but he knew he loved him. That was that. His dad was taken back abit but he heard the message and started stepping up a bit more. We have all grown up a bit since then and his dad is a wonderful albeit still less than responsible man. Our son has a good relationship with both of us and no issues with his self esteem or his background.
Placing the responsibilty on the shoulders of the father is important in this one. Gauging how your little one will respond is also important.
Noone knows your son better than you do, and none of us can tell you what the right answer is for your situation.
Perhaps you can start off small. Tell your ex you will be at the park on Sat from 1-3 (whatever day and length of time works for you) he is welcome to meet you there and spend time playing with your son. If he shows great and if he doesn't - your son is none the wiser and he still gets to have fun playing with the other kiddos there:-)
This will allow a neutral place for you to talk and start building a parenting relationship between the two of you. You will be co-parents for the rest of your lives. it is not only childhood. There are graduations high school and college, marriages, grandchildren.... the list is long and you will need to get along for his sake through it all. This is hard, you can do this and you will make it through. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

If that is what he thinks then I would just say just move on with your son. He doesn't really seem to care, Since he has another child that he spends time with, iit only sounds like it would not be a healthy thing for your son. Life is to short to 2nd guess this stuff. If you would have gotten a better answer then that I would say let him spend time with him. No sense in exposing the child to something that you can figure would not be in his best interest. If he goes to court then they will have both parents go to classes for the best interest of the child. Most often then not it doesn't get that far because it costs lots of money. Be happy that you can enjoy your son and watch him grow up. If your son wants to see him later then you can decide if it is worth it or not. Be strong. You can handle this.

You need to guard your little O.'s heart to be sure.
BUT I think he has a right to meet and know his father.
I think the best case scenario is that mom and dad act like grown ups and put the child FIRST. Then repeat for at least the next 15 years.
I know he "abandoned" you, I know you've raised this child alone & with no help from him. But you both really need to focus on "from this day forward" even though there is no relationship between you two. there is between each of you and your son.
I think he's maybe torqued off over child support--that you didn't "trust" him to pay it and involved the court. Really, it is in his best interest to have it that way. Then you can never come back and say--"Hey, you never paid me in 2010 OR 2011!"
Keep trying to initiate a talk between the two of you before this little O. gets involved.