Follow up Question on Selecting High School

you and your daughter are both doing the Stress Dance over all of this, aren't you?

it IS a big deal, but all of this handwringing and angsting are so over the top.

yes, if she wants to be on cheer regardless, she should try out for both schools.

if the school asks, she should be honest and tell them she's trying out for the other as well. they probably won't. it's not the HUGE DEAL to them that it is to you. they really won't care that much.

why would she not tell her friends?

why does she think it's going to be a HUGE DEAL for her friends if she a) tries out for a different cheer team or b) switches schools? friends are friends.

she shouldn't be dishonest with anyone. if the discussion with her friends is stressing her out, she can stay quiet about it unless it comes up, and then tell the truth. easy. no stress.

sounds to me as if you're a far greater source of stress than any of these 'friends'. you need to figure out how to be calm, competent and confident, and not jitter over every detail like this.

you don't 'owe' anyone an explanation. but i don't understand the frantic need for secrecy either.

we moved my older from public to private school, then homeschool. later on we pulled the younger halfway through 5th grade to homeschool. we did it on our parental authority to do what we felt was in the best interests of our children. we included our children in the discussions and the decision making processes, but we retained the ultimate authority in the matter.

we never had any problem telling anyone, because we didn't assume that it was something taboo, or stressful, or awful. we also didn't run around to all our friends and make them listen to our thought processes.

make your decision and go with it. it won't be 100% right. it may even be quite wrong, in which case you'll take corrective action.

you're going to paralyze your daughter with anxiety over making important decisions if you keep on like this.
khairete
S.

I think extra curricular activities are a critical part of high school. If she is borderline good and may make one team but not the other than that would absolutely factor in to my decision re: what school she should attend.

Keeping kids busy with activities helps keep kids out of trouble. My oldest was involved in theatre. Often she was too tired to go out on Friday night or she stayed in because she had rehearsal Saturday morning.

When does the cheer team make their decision re: who made the team? Perhaps if she tried out in March she would already know if she made the team. In any event, if academics are similar at both schools, I think extra curricular activities should factor into it your decision.

Nope, honestly any choices about education were always based on education.

ETA:

People below feel it's not ethical to try out for two teams. So how about the direct, aboveboard approach: "Cheer coach, we're not yet sure which school my daughter is going to. Can she still try out for the cheer team?" The coach can then say yes or no.

Original: You are way overthinking this. She doesn't need to announce it to anyone. It's just a cheer tryout. Sure, let her tryout on both teams if she wants and she can. However, I'm guessing she can't try out for a team of a school she's not enrolled in.

My initial feeling is that trying out for both teams would not be an ethical choice. It's not the same as sending your resume to several businesses, or applying to multiple colleges. A team such as a cheer squad usually selects a limited number of applicants. Say your daughter tries out for school A cheer squad and school B cheer squad. Say she makes both teams. Then she would have to tell A or B that she's turning down the spot. The powers-that-be who selected her now have to re-evaluate their choices and re-configure their team selection. I believe that if I were told that a student was trying out for a couple of high schools' teams, I wouldn't be impressed. I'd think that student was trying to take the easy road out - "whatever team I make, I'll go to that school". That seems shallow.

I don't believe that a high school should be selected based on whether one could make the cheer team, unless the student is an elite cheerleader, involved in things like the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, traveling for national competitions, etc. Then perhaps the cheer team might figure into a choice.

A high school prepares a student for life, for college, for a career, for the skills needed to be an adult some day. You and your daughter should be considering other issues, like guidance counselors, classes and academic excellence, availability of specialty classes like Mandarin Chinese or advanced math or things that your daughter is interested in. Your daughter doesn't owe anyone an explanation of her plans, but she should be encouraged by you - her parents - to be firm in her decision, not to waver, and not to micro-focus on one thing, like the cheer team. Help her learn to say that she's still making her decision about which school to attend, and not to succumb to peer pressure.

I like Elena's response.

You've mentioned in the past that your daughter recently just changed schools and made new friends. And that she's sensitive and can become stressed.

I'd just ask her what she wants to do, without giving my opinion. When you know which school she'd prefer, just go with that. She tries out for that team and does her best.

ETA: I read the responses from all the moms. Some good advice for sure. I agree that if this stresses you out, then your daughter will pick up on that - so that's why I felt keep it simple. I have a kid who tends to get a bit anxious. Keeping it simple (less choices, less decisions - only those that really are truly necessary) helps. Just my thought.

One other thought - do the schools offer an orientation day? Our high school does, and so did our middle school. If it were me, I'd have my kid go to those to get a feel for the schools and see which one felt like a better fit.

Pick a school and only try out for that school.
High school is only 4 years - she'll be graduating before you know it.
If you think THIS decision is tough - just wait till she's choosing colleges - it's not that far away.
As for her friends - well are they friends or not?
If they are frenimies - then no, they don't need to know.
Friends will find out sooner or later - probably around the time they are choosing classes and schedules - which is sooner than you think.

Additional:
You are micro focused on the immediate future.
Not a good place to be.
It's going to be hard for you but YOU HAVE to look at the big picture and out of her 'whole life' assuming she lives to be 85 - 4 years of high school is NOTHING.
Yes - class scheduling and try outs happen in March and April.
Roll with it!
Make a decision.
Flip a coin, put choices on a dart board, do eeny meeny miney moe - how ever you do it - just DO IT and then try out for THAT school.
In our school system - although cheer leading is a sport, it's not a sport like football - because if it was and your child was transferring in - they'd have to sit out a season before being allowed to try out.
It's a little different if you're matriculating from middle to high school but recruiting isn't allowed.

And really, do you expect her to cheer lead for college, get hired to work for a pro team?
The girl needs a way to make a living when she's an adult for herself and her future family.
Have you looked at the schools graduation rates?
SOL scores/standing?
Teacher/student ratios?
How much homework do they load the kids up with?
There is so much more to look at than just the cheer leading.
GreatSchools.org can help you compare many areas between schools.
I'm sure you're doing the research - but your nervousness is forcing you to focus on the thing your most comfortable with - the sport.
Maybe your family doctor can help you a little with your short term anxiety issues.
You are all going to be fine - either way - and you'll feel a lot better once you stop sitting on the fence (with sharp pointy pickets) between once school and the other.

I think trying out for 2 teams is wrong - what if she makes both, and then some kid who was disappointed by missing out gets a call afterwards that someone tried out but doesn't want it?

I think the school choice takes priority, and activities take a total back seat. And trying out for 2 teams can be stressful - what if she makes neither? Are you saying the tryouts are before the school decision can be made or before you find out if she gets in to the bigger school?

Getting her friends involved in her decision and choices is probably not going to be a positive experience - too much emotion and teen drama that can influence your daughter and affect her mood! I wouldn't open the decision up to a vote by her friends - which is what it will amount to if they are involved!

You note in the main post that you are "not making our school decision based on the cheer team." But in the added post below, you want to give your daughter the option to attend the bigger school's cheer clinic and "if she gets really bad vibes, she can skip the tryouts and we can re-evaluate our school decision" -- which sounds as if you are, after all, going to base the school choice on how she feels about cheer after the clinic.

I know that you want her to have everything possible to have a good experience if she goes to a school that is not the one to which she's assigned. But if you send her the message that she gets to base the choice even partly on "vibes" about cheer team -- that will confuse her, plus it gives an activity too much weight over academics. Yes, she wants to cheer, but if the larger "choice" school offers better and more varied academics and electives, and also gets her away from kids you feel are a problem for her -- that has to trump cheer or anything else that is extracurricular.

I would have her say nothing at all to her friends at the current school until and unless she is accepted and enrolled at the choice school. Wait for it to be a done deal and formally signed off before she tells anyone. The easiest thing, if these kids stress her out anyway, would be for her just to say nothing except to close friends with whom she wants to keep in touch when they're at different high schools and let the others just realize next fall that she didn't turn up. Reduce the drama of months of "Why aren't you staying here? You too good for us?" etc. by just saying nothing. I see how she feel it is "dishonest" by not telling others what she's working toward but she needs to learn the difference between being truly dishonest and keeping your own business to yourself until YOU are ready to discuss it.

Our daughter is at a school different from the assigned high school. We got her placed at this other high school because it has a different curriculum that we (and she!) feel is better for her academically. She knew she would leave behind some friends and knew which friends she wanted to keep seeing. We and the other families make a real effort to get her together with friends at two other high schools (kids went to several high schools from their one middle school). Your daughter can keep the friends she really wants to keep if you are willing to help her do that. And if she can't cheer at the new school, encourage her to find another activity there. It sounds as if the larger school has more to offer overall.

I think your SWH sounds good. This may sound petty to others like you're overthinking and obsessing on this, but I totally get it. This stuff is their whole world at their age and in their life, 4 years is a very long time...decision made now can make or break their high school experience. Cheer teams can be very demanding if they actually compete. I definitely think she'll catch the vibe at the cheer clinic.
As far as her friends...I think you should keep it quiet. It is a huge deal when someone goes to a different school...I can see where they would try to influence her decision by bad mouthing the other school or whatever.
It sounds like you're on the right track.

In this case I think trying out for both teams seems like a good idea.

Why?

Smaller schools tend to let more girls in, whether or not they're perfect shapes and if they can tumble or anything like that. They are usually more wholesome and less stressful too. They become a closer group because there is less fighting over the positions.

In the bigger school she'll have a lot more competition. It's a lot more stressful. If someone loses their position there are 15 girls wanting to take that one spot. So unless she is a great tumbler and has a background in dance so that she's able to do the cheer routines fluidly and pick them up fairly easily she might not make it. If she does make it then keeping her spot is very important.

I understand why it's hard to decide. I used to discount cheer leading a lot! But I've learned some over the past few years about why cheer is so important to those girls who want it. I think it helps them in so many ways that I didn't see before. It's not a popularity contest. It's a lot about confidence, school spirit, trying to make others feel better, and stuff.

I think if we had choices here in my small suburban area that I'd be looking at similar things but for music, maybe drama too. If one had a much better program than the other I'd probably be debating this sort of thing too.

The education is the same. The state mandates what is taught on a local level. They have a criteria they must cover each year. Such as this sort of math/algebra, these books in language arts, what area of science they'll have, etc.. This makes me think that the level of education she'd get would be very similar so the actual brick and mortar building she is attending shouldn't make much difference.

As for telling her friends, no. Not in any way. Nope. They'll let it slip and if she makes the one team and not the other they'll feel less, like they are her second choice in friends. The coach mind get wind of it too and discount her as a true competitor for their spots if they think they're her second choice too.

You can always let one squad know that you're changing school after both try outs are over. I don't see any reason to stress out about this. Just keep it quiet so she can see what happens. She might make both, she might only make one squad, and she might not make either one.

No, I don't think it would be fair to try out for both teams - that really goofs up one of them (assuming she got on to both) when she doesn't show up in the Fall (or summer if that is when they start practice). Plus, if she makes one school's team and not the other, it will unfairly imbalance her decision on which school she ends up choosing. Schools should be chosen on more qualifications than making the cheer team.

If they are really "friends" then YES of course she should tell them. I can't imagine not telling a friend about a life changing event. If these people are just acquaintances, than other than outright not lying, she doesn't need to divulge her personal plans to them. Ultimately, it is up to her - this is truly a case of "don't fight your kids battles." If she is in high school, she is able to decide who she should and shouldn't tell without you telling her the answer - of course, guidance is always a good thing, though :)

Good luck and remember, this IS just high school. I'd be more worried about where she is going to college than this :)