Just kidding...
My son is 10 and we are having serious problems with obedience. For instance, yesterday after school he did not practice cello like I told him to do. When I left to go get pizza I told him he either needed to practice cello or take out the trash and recycle. When I got back, he had "gone for a walk to decide which one to do instead". He is making bad choices and ignoring what I say. Yes, he has gotten punishments (like paying me $5 for every day he does not practice), computer time taken away, grounded from playing with friends. None of those seem to be working. I am at a loss as to what to do to get him to do what he needs to do rather than what he wants to do, and how to get him to want to do the right thing.
FWIW-this question is not so much about the cello; that is just the most recent example. I have talked to him about not having cello lessons and he insists that he wants to play cello. He enjoys music and chose cello himself.
This is more about doing the things that he is expected to do, like cello and chores and asking before he goes to a friend's house, brushing his teeth, homework, etc. I have given him a lot of independence to choose to do the things that he needs to do as a member of the family that needs to contribute to the well-being of the family. We have gone through the process where he and my daughter agree to what needs to be done and that they will do those chores that they have agreed to do. I have tried not reminding him to do the chores and they don't get done; I have tried reminding him and they don't get done.
Maybe he doesn't like the cello? What else is he doing that is harmful psychologically or physically? Is he making decision that you personally think are bad? I think he is exerting his independance and I think if you respect that then you might have better results.
M.,
1. Family
2. Hygiene
3. Diet
4. School/homework
5. Chores
6. Extra activities – friends, sports, music, movies, tv, computer access etc..
Hopefully you are not verbally comparing him to his sister. (That will put a wedge between brother and sister that could last a lifetime).
Take the cello and all extra activities away. He knows what you expect of him and he knows he has been able to “blow you off” and do whatever he wants to do without really serious consequences.
Time for the consequences, this child sounds like a smart boy. You and dad need to establish a schedule that includes a regular bed time, get up time (during the school week) and the chores he is to do on a daily basis. (He does not get the choice on what day he takes the trash out, or when he picks up his cloths, or what condition he leaves the bathroom in).
I believe a large mistake parents make is giving little children all these choices that they are NOT equipped to make. They start very young, “honey do you want this or that?” By the time a kid is 10 (and should be old enough to make a choice), they are clear that if they make a choice they don’t want to follow through with, it’s no big deal.
You have come to the point where it is a BIG deal. So sit your son down, show him the list and consequences and you will see a different child in about two to four weeks…..IF you and dad follow through.
Blessings….
Switch the focus to rewards. If he can go a day doing what he's told, for instance, then maybe he gains a day off of his choosing from cello practice. (BTW, you may want to find out if he even wants to play cello anymore) Think about what rewards would be meaningful to your son. Some kids respond well to punishment while others do much better when the focus is on rewards instead.
Good luck!
do you take ious no ideas to help you just thought I would brighten your day
HEHE! Trade you an 11 year old and 7 year old girl for him! Just kidding! =) Ah pre-teens, gotta love em. Just know that this is normal and make sure your dental insurance is up to date cause you are gonna grit your teeth a lot.
Find a book called "The five love languages of children", great book with great insight on how to deal with this age. They are very passive-aggressive which means you will have to stay firm and try not to be driven crazy (Im with you on that one). Take into account that he is also male. Boys see things very different than girls. Give him a 2 hour lecture will ensure that his eyes will glaze over and he won't hear a thing. If going out for a walk is his way to "decide" then fine but make it clear that he take a watch, 10 minutes he needs to be back and make a decision. This gives him independence of choice as to when he will do it and how. IF he can do this then he gets 5 bucks back. Help him to make good choices rather than making them for him.
Believe me, this doesn't last forever but it sure does feel like it when they are going through it. =)
What's wrong with letting him do what he wants to do? Maybe you need to have a talk with your son and listen to him about what he wants, adn then work out a compromise that is agreeable to both of you.
Hi M.-
Maybe we could do a kid swap? LOL!
Is his behavior only negative about the cello and practice? If it is, I would consider talking to him about whether he enjoys playing. I will tell you I watched my friend struggle like crazy with her daughter who absolutely hated piano. Her parents spent $45/week for lessons for 8 years (approx. $17,500). I went to several of her recitals. YIKES! You could tell she had no passion for the music. It was painful watching a 14 yo being out played by a 7 yo. They also spent 45 minutes to an hour every day fighting and arguing about it. For me, life is to short to spend 20% of your time with your kid arguing about practice. My son took drum lessons, but when the practice became "work". And getting him to practice was work. Adios, drums. I understand that playing an instrument and reading music helps many other life skills. I played the clarinet for 9 years and I practiced every day, because I loved it. Maybe a different instrument? Is he having issues with his friends saying things about playing the cello? What about trumpet or trombone or sax? We were all given the ultimate instrument: our voices--what about singing?
Good luck on this, I'm sure it's not easy when you only want to give the best to your kid and give them something you may not have had only to have it negated.
S.
If he and his sister have agreed to a list of chores, perhaps they can agree to a list of consequences for not completing the chores. Kids who do this often choose consequences that are reasonable and appropriate, and sometimes harder than the ones their parents might enforce. Might be worth a try. And linking the completion of a chore to something the youngster WANTS to do is usually helpful; complete the task first, then have fun. No chore, no fun.
Can you leave the cello completely in his hands? It might be empowering, or at least a learning experience, to choose for himself whether or not to practice. No practice, no improvement, and perhaps, no more lessons. But I'd sure want to be given some space to own my creative impulses if I were him.
Your list of what your son should do brings me painfully back to my own upbringing. My mom left very little choice or free time up to me. At 62, I still find myself dealing with the fallout.
My SIL would probably trade you for her 11 yo!! :-)
