Found an E-mail Asking How His Ex Was Doing? How Would You Approach This?

Hi,

Since she felt in her gut that something was wrong, then there probably is something wrong. The only way to get to the bottom of this is to talk with her hubby and get the whole story. See if he comes forward with anything and go from there.

*** But until you have the facts on any subject---for anything, its best not to judge and accuse. Find out the truth first before getting upset about something that you don't have all the information on.

Best wishes and I hope you get the answers you are seeking-

M

If it smells like a rat, looks like a rat and moves like a rat set the trap. You can use the" have a heart" live trap and dump him in a field where if a predator doesn't get him he might survive or you can use the normal rat trap and dump the rat's body in the trash. Either way who needs a rat in the house!

As usual with these types of topics, I am probably going to be in the minority, but here goes:

1) Women's intuition is RARELY wrong

2) If my husband felt something was a little "off" with me and thereby checked my email or facebook to see if his suspicisons were true, I WOULDN'T CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST. Why? We are married. I have nothing in my email that I wouldn't want him to read. He has all my passwords anyway, given to him by me and willingly. So, why would I care if he read my email. I don't consider my husband reading his wife's email as snooping. HOWEVER.....

3) After reading the emails, unless there is something blatant (ie hey baby can't wait to see you again), she needs to talk with her husband, face to face, no distractions, and if that doesn't work, counseling is in order.

4) I rarely see a situation where keeping in touch with an ex, ESPECIALLY one where the person breaks down in the middle of a marriage because he misses said ex, is a good idea. I mean, really? If my husband broke down in our marriage about ANOTHER woman, I think I would have dealt with that right then and there.

5) LOTS of people still have feelings for people in the past. We are only human. However, ACTING ON THOSE feelings is where he went wrong. If he still has feelings for this woman (which he admitted he does), he shouldn't be contacting her, period.

6) NOT fighting is usually a sign of a problem more so than some "normal" fights. Why? Because if you are cheating or otherwise occupied, you don't care as much what your spouse is doing or isn't doing. That is when the fighting stops. You are more occupied and concerned with what the "new" person is doing. This is not always the case, but I have yet to see a situation where I am wrong here. I doubt he is full-fledged cheating, but if he is not getting upset with things he used to or just doesn't seem to care anymore, well, it is probably because he doesn't.

I wish her the best.

Well, the content of the email isn't necessarily scary. He was asking a pretty generic question. It's hiding things, that is a big red flag. It's not clear by your post, if he is purposefully hiding these things. My advice is this. If you suspect something is wrong enough to snoop, then something is wrong. It may not be an affair, it may not be long held feelings. And, it may be. It may just be that he's unhappy. It may be that SHE is unhappy and subconsciously looking for a reason to go down the road of leaving. It may be they just have grown apart, and that's a very unsettling feeling. WHAT it is, needs to be found and. Through counseling or other means, it needs to be dealt with.

For the record, my husband and I don't argue. Not once in our 5 years of marriage. There are things we don't disagree on, but they are always discussions. We are talkers. We don't see any value in arguing, so we just work stuff out. Many times, we realize the disagreement is completely stupid...and we just let it go and have a laugh. We have a wonderful relationship. We just aren't arguers. We do not let things build and ignore things, either. It IS entirely possible to have a great relationship and not argue. BUT, with all this doubt in her relationship...theirs doesn't sound great. Perhaps, they don't argue...because they simply don't communicate. Snooping (in my opinion) shows they don't have good communication. Snooping rather then talking, shows bad communication, and insecurity problems.

His feelings for his ex can be a fleeting thing, or a long lasting issue that he continues to struggle with even now. Either way, it seems that he is struggling with his feelings, and is hiding this from his wife. This is the worst thing that can occur. By not discussing it openly and honestly, it keeps festering in him, and if he does not have a safe outlet, in time, it is possible that he may act on these feelings in an inappropriate way.

I think many of us still have some feelings for those we were in a past relationship with, however, you move on and start fresh with someone else. If one relationship ended prematurely, or seems to still be a presence in another relationship, that will create a lot of issues . Especially if it is not communicated or talked about with the new significant other.

Now, usually, I would dismiss the email to his ex, and facebook messages( sometimes those are from fake people, or advertisements,etc..) . Writing an email to an ex asking how they are, or asking another how they are, is innocent, and usually well meaning. I can't tell you how many times I have written to my ex's in high school, or they have written to me, and asked how things were doing. Usually we laugh when we find out we both are married with kids, thinking how old we are now, and such..

You had written that the husband cried and stated how he still had strong feelings about his ex two years into his new marriage. Now 7 years later, he is still writing his ex and asking how she is doing.

My intuition or "gut" tell me that this husband continues to have deep feelings, as well as probably has a bad case of the "what ifs" . He is looking back too much, and that isn't good.

Confronting about the email may not do any good. He will probably be upset and feel violated that you looked it up and read it. He also can justify it by telling you it was nothing but a friendly inquiry. This can cause even more friction, and separation between them.

Checking in on an old ex is fairly benign. I am still in contact with a few exes because our relationships were more than just romantic, and anyone I've invested a great deal of time and emotion into, I'm not willing to just write out of my life because they turned out not to be my mate for life. The facebook thing is a bit more worrisome, but I think that addressing that is going to lead to more problems than it would possibly solve.

She needs to ignore these minor issues and get to the meat of her marriage. She needs to open a dialogue with her husband, discover what he's feeling, what he needs, what her needs are.... you know the drill. The computer snooping.... well, unless she finds pictures of him in compromising positions with someone else, there's no value in it.

I agree with Leslie M. I would add that when a person "has a nagging feeling something is wrong" that they should talk with their spouse instead of spying on them. Going behind their back only further complicates any issues that are below the surface. What is important to to be honest and up front about ones own feelings and find a way to have communication with the spouse. Going behind their back then adds distrust from both sides to the mix.

Everything you've said tells me that something is DEFINITELY amiss. A woman's intuition is rarely wrong, like Scarlett said. Also, she should NOT FEEL GUILTY for checking her husband's email. Married people should make email/facebook/phone passwords available to each other, there are no secrets in marriage, that is a part of cultivating intimacy.

She should approach him with everything, with her feelings. "There are some things going on that are making me feel VERY insecure." And see what he says. I'm going to venture out on a limb and say that the OBVIOUS lack of intimacy in their marriage (based on what you've told me) has sent him searching for some sort of connection/validation. They must get into counseling to learn how to re-establish that intimacy. It's everything.

I wish her the best.

The really need counseling, especially if she had to go digging through his email to find it.

I don't know, I have kept in contact with some of my exes over email and facebook and there has never been any lusty emotions or wishing to reconnect with them at all. I don't hide them from my husband, but I don't really tell him about them either. But I do know, that facebook has caused many people to revert back to exes or at least longing for them as well.

I don't think it's odd she said nothing is remiss in their marriage, lots of people have arguments and disagreements, I know we do, but I would certainly say we have a very happy marriage without any grievances or the like. Plus, the early kinks you speak of, they've been married what, 9 or 10 years?

I would certainly urge her to communicate with her husband, she needs to be honest here. They need to speak calmly and openly about this. If the messages he wrote sounded like they were trying to hook up, then she needs to find out why. It could be innocent, or it may not be.

If I were her husband and I found out she had been snooping on me it would make things worse. She is his WIFE not his MOTHER and she should not be snooping through his private email, FB, or anywhere else.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so abrubt but she has some issues.

A marriage is between 2 people and you should have open communication with each other without snooping. I would never snoop on my hubby of 25 yrs and if I found out he snooped on me, we'd have some real issues. We are a team, not a parent/child relationship.

Whatever your friend chooses to do, please do not confront him. She does need to COMMUNICATE with him in a non-confrontational way then they need to work out the differences with obvious insecurity, possible jealousy, etc. You can't have a marriage work when 1 person is always assuming the other is cheating or about to cheat.

I think it is a very rare marriage in which there is never any thought of any other person, no attraction to another. That said, I wouldn't like this one bit, it's just not the kind of marriage I have--but neither would my husband snoop on me, nor I on him. It indicates a trend of feeling impersonal with one another, not paying attention, not being connected.
Maybe she should just ask him if there's anything he wanted to talk about, and then set about being the best wife ever. Remind him why he chose her over the other woman.

Both DH and I are in contact with our exes by email and facebook every now and then. About once a year or so I will think about my ex and send him and email, just to see how he's doing. I stay in touch with him pretty much to the same amount as I do with friends from college or even high school.
For me personally it isn't a big deal, I trust my DH, so I don't mind at all.
I never read his email either, I feel it's an invasion of his privacy and I would be pretty upset if I found him snooping through mine (as in SERIOUSLY upset).
Just my two cents.
Good luck to your friend.

As for facebook... I get a lot of spam messages on there and yes some are like "I'm hot, let's meet"...I am sure DH gets those too. Just something to remember.

Everything as a whole tells me it may not be innocent. I've been around cheating co-workers and crappy guys I dated in the past. When they hide things like that and have e-mails that one could perceive as trying to hook up then they are usually up to something (were these conversations? I assumed they were since you said she thought HE was trying to hook up with them). I think for a lot of people exes aren't a big deal, but when you look at the pieces you talk about unbiasedly you see something is amiss in his actions of hiding and the unknown women he was trying to hook up with or at least hitting on. I agree she should've talked to him, but I also think that anyone who doesn't want to be caught red-handed will lie or not answer.

I guess my belief is when I'm with someone we are open books, it is an understood agreement that we can have each others passwords and whatever. Lastly, he broke down and cried for his feelings towards his ex 7 years ago, huge red flag. Those kind of emotions make me think that he has feelings for her and is dipping into them, I mean the only reason they broke up is b/c he didn't want kids back then. My dad always told me "don't date someone who is still pining over someone else" and I will always listen to that. I think a lot of answers will be based on personal experience and I had a bit as well, but I tried to stand back and look at the flags of hiding and the unknown women and the unemotional response she perceives in the relationship.

I would always wonder too if someone two years into a marraige still had strong enough feelings to break down and cry over it! Thats rough! I don't think what he has done emailing wise is wrong, unless he hid it, but I think she has doubt from that previous situation that may never go away, and with the other FB issues as well, and no arguments I would think that he lacks emotion in their relationship (and if so that could def lead to cheating if he has it in him) and they should do counceling or end it, because living in fear of something going wrong is never good.