A year ago, my daughter, who was seven at the time, started losing interest in playing with a neighborhood friend. I've never felt that kids should be forced to be together, and so I didn't push her to keep up the playdates. My daughter told me that she didn't feel they had much in common anymore and that, as the girl was a year older, she often seemed to consistently get her way in what they played, even if my daughter preferred to do something else. She felt as if she very rarely got to choose what they did and felt a bit bossed around. I did talk with her about the fact that older friends with different interests can be a great thing, helping you to learn and grow and that we could try to work on the other issue. But as she really did seem to want distance, I tried to gently back down from all the playtimes.
Here's the part I'm not proud of. With the exception of my very out-going son, my family is introverted. We enjoy other people's company very much, but when it becomes too constant, we start to shut down and need to regroup. We live in suburbia, so it's a social, hopping place, always a neighborhood get-together, lots of kids knocking on the door. It's a nice place with great people, but sometimes the constant social scene is too much for my family. When my daughter started to want to limit contact, I breathed a sigh of relief. That meant I could take a break from the social stuff, all the playdates, etc., etc. When we moved here, I went against my grain and really put myself out there in order to try to get my kids to know other kids. I just didn't expect it to get to be too much for me once the friendships ignited. So, again, when things cooled off, I didn't put much effort beyond the initial conversation with my daughter about why it would be a good idea to try to maintain her connection with this other little girl.
Understandably, invitations with the other moms in the neighborhood became more sporadic. I expected nothing less, but I did attend many of the functions I was asked to come to in order to maintain neighborhood ties. At one of the parties, the mom of the girl my daughter used to play with snapped at me, "You should be ashamed of yourself!" she said. I could see she was in pain from the distance I'd put between us, and mumbled something like "Yeah, I am," and got out of the room fast as her daughter was in earshot. I hadn't been ashamed at all. Uncomfortable sure, but ashamed? I wished I'd stood up for myself, but I was really too flabbergasted to respond in the moment. Later, I made the mistake of all mistakes: I sent her a private Facebook message, (Oh, Facebook, how I loathe you!) explaining the situation. I left out the bossy part. Instead, I focused on the positive, thanked her for all the kindnesses she had shown my daughter and said that while I wished things were different, my daughter was only seven and kids do go through growing pains. I told her, sincerely, that I hoped the girls would reconnect at some point. I told her her kid and her family were fabulous people, and I meant it.
Bottom line, that was stupid. It soon became obvious that she'd told the other moms in the neighborhood about my daughter not wanting to hang out with her daughter anymore. This little girl and her family are very well-liked and at the social center of the neighborhood. One of her friends was openly insulting to me at a neighborhood function. When I walked in the room, she rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, now I REALLY need a glass of wine!" It was awful. After my note, conversations with other neighbors that used to feel free and easy felt stilted. The feeling that things had been said about me that were pretty awful hung heavily in the air, and any woman knows that feeling of no longer being welcome. You could cut the heavy feelings of awkwardness with a knife.
To the other mom's credit, she gave my daughter some time, and then sent hers to knock on our door a few months later. I thought that showed she'd thought about the note and all was forgiven. It was big of her. The girls played and had fun. I did feel happy about that. I quickly issued another invitation for the girls to get together, after making sure my daughter was on board with trying. This happened and they seemed to have fun. Then, I left the ball back in the other mom's court. The kids had gotten together twice at our place, and I thought I needed to give them the space and respect to make the next invitation, if they wanted to do so. A lot of time had gone by, and for all I knew her daughter might have decided to move on. The call never came, so I thought that might have been the case. Truly, I didn't give it a ton of thought. Life is busy, and in my view, kids at this age are figuring out who they are, so friendships will come and go, especially during the elementary school years. I apparently erred in not setting up more playdates. Things got chilly again, and not just with this mom, with other neighbors as well.
I feel as if I've made myself a pariah. I know better than to try to rekindle things. At this point, it seems fairer to both the other girl and my daughter to let things go then to force them. My question is, how do I hold my head high and move forward? I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel shame. I know this will happen to my kids, heck, it has happened to my kids! There have been parties they weren't invited to, friendships that cooled off--it hasn't really bothered me. Finding your true blue buddies takes a lifetime of experimenting with social groups. I just don't understand why it has to be so fraught and why I am being painted as someone who was cruel to a child, because that's how I think I'm being painted. I don't want to be in this social scene again on any level, but I do want to feel as if I have friendly relations with my neighbors. I know I can't control what's being said. I just need help trying to come to some sense of peace about it all.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to give me such thoughtful and intelligent responses that explored this situation from all angles. I've been dwelling on this far too much, and it helped to talk it out, to be heard and to have empathy displayed. Thank you for all of the great suggestions and for helping me to feel less alone with these concerns. Each one of you helped more than you know!
More Answers
L.R.
answers from
Washington DC
on
I'm sorry. You seem to live in a neighborhood full of folks who feel that The Neighborhood is THE social setting and anyone who opts out must be shunned. Please read the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes." It is about girls -- but it describes these moms too.
I would advise that you, and your daughter, let go of The Neighborhood and get much more involved in other ways of making real friends -- people with whom you share actual interests, not just people with whom you feel you must be friends because they live nearby. Physical proximity does not equal friendship. For your daughter: Is she in Girl Scouts? Dance classes? Sports? Maybe an art class at the local recreation center? Help her, through her interests, find her own set of friends who truly share those interests with her, then have them over for play dates! Play time does not have to mean the kids who are close enough to walk over and knock on the door themselves. Have her do play dates with kids she likes at school. It will be more effort for you, for sure; you'll have to contact moms you may not know, will have to drive your child to play dates, arrange getting together at a movie or a park or event -- but it is worth it because your child will be with kids who are just more like her.
As kids move through school, the "neighborhood buddy" thing seems to collapse a lot anyway. Kids start to want to see more of school friends or friends from their extracurricular activities, instead of kids they have just known forever solely because they live nearby. This is normal and natural and should be encouraged, I think.
As for yourself: I'd get into a book club, or church group if that's your thing, or do volunteering at a place you really care about. Consider being a Girl Scout leader (with a troop not based on your neighborhood kids). Consider getting more involved at your child's school because parents who volunteer at school together can often bond over that (and it benefits your child!). In other words, be too darned busy and happy to give a darn about these neighborhood women who have nothing better to do than carp about a seven-year-old girl not wanting to play with an eight-year-old girl. That's pretty pathetic of them when you think about it : You are being judged based on what your elementary aged child does, and what she did was not bully someone or be harsh -- she just wanted NOT to play! These women are sad. Don't feed it.
Go out and take your introverted self to an activity that you like and that interests you. It could be that your introversion is making you think way, way too much about this value what these women say and do far too much. I'm not saying "don't be introverted" -- I'm saying, "be interested" and find others who are interested in the same things you are, and leave these sad women to their wine and their Facebook.
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T.M.
answers from
Redding
on
They (the neighborhood) are probably not thinking on this as hard as you are.
You used to frequent events, then you stopped. They probably sort of wonder, you are now a "mystery" to them, or you feel like you are.
Your perception of what "they" are thinking is what needs to end.
If you and your family are happy not socializing, you dont have too!
Take the invites you want, dont go to the ones you dont want to go to.
If others seem snippy, it's only because they dont have the guts to live their own lives and are caught up in the Suburban socialite scene.
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S.R.
answers from
Washington DC
on
I assume I these kids go to school together...are there other kids your dd plays with outside the neighborhood? It almost sounds like something else might have happened...for all the mothers to be so rude. Why would the other mother say "you should be ashamed"...just for not having playdates? There must have been some other confrontation or "words" before all this started. When my dd wants to pull back from the neighbors, we just schedule other activities and become "unavailable". If anything comes up about it...I just say, wow, we have been really busy the last couple of months!
I totally stay out of the mother to mother confrontations and I never get involved with my dd's friends except to help set up play dates for those who live further away. These heart to heart talks always backfire.
I prefer to also stay out of a lot of neighborhood activities. I attend some, I'm polite, but no buddy buddy relationships with the other moms. Too close for comfort.
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P.R.
answers from
Cleveland
on
Are you sure the other mothers are snubbing you bc of the daughter or bc you used to be friends with them or act like you were friends with them and then when you didn't "have to" anymore, stopped and perhaps they feel slighted? I'm putting myself in their shoes... You were social and all and then mainly stopped. They likely feel like you now don't like them or were using them before when your daughter wanted playdates. You kind of don't want to be bothered with all of them so now why does it upset you that they don't want to be bothered with you? They put forth effort too and then you withdrew so maybe they're now saying fine, she doesn't want to be social, I'll save my energy for someone else. There's a mom a bit like what you're describing in our neighborhood. Our neighborhood isn't cliquey at all - everyone socializes with whoever wants to. But one mom kind of dropped out. So now I have to say when she is around, why would I bother making conversation with her when she's made it clear she doesn't care to maintain a friendship?... We don't talk much about it but I think some other moms feel the same way. If she doesn't want to socialize, fine with me - there are plenty of moms to talk to - but it doesn't make me actively like her... So I'm nice but certainly don't go out of my way. I think you need to decide if you want to be friends with the neighborhood moms or not. You say not so not sure why there's an issue. Say hi and be friendly but don't expect to stop and chat. They're likely busy too so maybe they don't want to stop and chat just when you want to when most other times you don't. Know what I mean?
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A.S.
answers from
Boca Raton
on
My sons are 18 & 15 . . . looking back one thing I would do over as a mom is to not be so intense about the whole friendship issue. And I would *never* get close to the parents of my sons' friends, without many years of connection. I would say to always be very nice and polite, but to never put much "out there." It just seems to come back to bite you.
I'm not a fan of the neighborhood clique thing either. It would bug me to be forced into social relationships by virtue of where we live.
With our family we work best when we deal from a position of strength. We seek out experiences that are enjoyable for us, or that we're interested in, and make friends that way. We operate as a unit unto ourselves, and the friends in our lives are icing on the cake. I also try to teach my sons that friendship is a two-way street, and sometimes it isn't working for one side - and that's OK. We've had times where it hasn't worked for us, and vice versa. As long as we're making a reasonable effort then we don't get torn up about it.
Good luck. This WILL pass, though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Hang in there.
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F.B.
answers from
New York
on
I can't offer you any suggestions, but want to thank you for your honest question and detailed litany. It helps me understand what parents might have to contend with.
F. B.
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C.T.
answers from
Santa Fe
on
Wow, your neighborhood sounds a bit nuts. I think everything you say sounds totally reasonable. Kids sometimes want a break from other kids and there is nothing wrong with that. It is so strange that the adults in your neighborhood take this personally...who are these people and why would they do this? I would not want to be in that social scene also, but this is where you live so you have to deal with it. It is all very petty. I think you just have to work to put this in the back of your mind and stop thinking about it. Put your energy into a friend that is a true friend and don't give these mothers a second thought. Be polite to them but just stop having them take any time in your thoughts.
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A.G.
answers from
Dallas
on
I don't live in a neighborhood; we live on a farm. Also, I have boys, and things seem to be less complicated socially, so I don't have much advice, but I did want to say that I don't think you did anything wrong. Kids DO grow apart, and adults should be "adult" enough to understand that.
Leigh R. has a good answer with some advice that I would take if I were in your shoes. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this mess, though.
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C.B.
answers from
San Francisco
on
I can't believe that adults would get so wrapped up in their children's social lives!
When that mom said "you ought to be ashamed!" I would have asked her for what and then played it off. YOU made it a big deal by hanging your head and leaving as if YOU had done something wrong.
Given your reaction, she may very well think that YOU don't like her daughter and that YOU are the one who put the brakes on the friendship. You should have just let it go or asked her what she was talking about because really at that point, what is it you should have been ashamed of? You should have asked her what she was referring to instead of assuming you knew what she was talking about. That was your guilty conscious!
I don't plan playdates for my GD with children in the neighborhood. If they are within walking distance, then no formal arrangements are needed, at least not in my neighborhood.
This is all school-kid stupid!
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K..
answers from
Phoenix
on
So, adults have shunned you and your family based on hearsay about a situation that they are not at all involved in? Sounds like you have a neighborhood of catty drama queens that you are better off without.
Shame on the mother of that little girl for gossiping about what happened with your daughter & her daughter.
Shame on your neighbors for being such sheep that so blindly & stupidly got sucked into her drama & are taking sides on something they know nothing about.
Why are you bothering with these people, again? Please remind me...
This is why it's better not to be friends with everyone's parents & to only have friends in the neighborhood. I would highly recommend encouraging friendships with other kids from school that may live a little further from you, or have her network with kids through activities, etc.
