Friend Disciplining My Child or Telling Her What She Has to Do

I haven't read the other responses - but my opinion is, you need to put her in her place. Be direct and firm and tell her don't talk to my daughter like that. Or say , I can discipline my own child. I bet if you are direct and firm (borderline rude even) one time she won't do it again. I wouldn't bite my tongue if it came to my daughter.

I second what Lynn L said. I wouldn't bite my tongue either if it came to someone being rude to my kids.

This woman sounds very controlling and immature to say the least. Running to tell her husband. PULEEZ!

Also, What person would tell another person's child to change her dress? You're so right! YOU do the laundry, not her!

Tell her she would be a better Mom if she gave more attention to her own kids, and less to everyone else's.

At least you can sleep good at night knowing you are a wonderful Mom who is looking out for her child and staying involved. Keep up the good work and tell this woman to BACK OFF =-)

Yes your daughter will encounter different people with different methods or styles of interaction with her. However, if you've asked her to step back and let you handle it and she isn't it needs to be addressed. The next time a situation arises I would stop her the second she intervenes by nicely but firmly indicating you are handling the situation. I would also ask her to be gentler when dealing with your daughter....it may be uncomfortable standing up to this mom, but being called out (in a respectful manner) in front of the other moms may do the trick and it sets boundaries with her. She will probably be offended...but who's feelings are you more concerned about hers or the kiddos she's affecting??

Good luck,
K.

You mentioned that the ladies on your block have spoke to her individually and apparently that hasn't worked. Maybe you guys should speak to her as a group. I don't mean like an intervention, you don't want to make her feel bad. But just let her know that it's not just one of you having a problem with her behavior, it's all of you. If you guys are present and already handling the situation when your children misbehave there is no reason she should be chiming in. Children do have to learn to deal with different forms of discipline, but if their parent(s) are present it should come from them.

You're over-thinking this.
Never underestimate the power of a well-timed "Shut the f**k up!"

No warm and fuzzy intervention necessary. She's not coddling your kid - you don't need to coddle her. And it sounds like it would be a big relief to some other moms, too. Somebody needs to say it.

And do while you're still pregnant - you have a lot more leeway for emotional outbursts.

maybe try touching her - like putting your hand on her arm when she's in "the zone". Or maybe just stand between her and your daughter so that YOU are now in her sight line.

I would never discipline another child while their parent was right there. Neighbor or not, I would purposely be not spending time with her if she keeps behaving this way after you've asked her not to.

I think to solve the problem you are going to have to bite the bullet and relaize there is no way to say something without this lady getting her panties all in a bunch. You are not being unreasonable--someone who talks over you is very annoying. I have had this problem myself with my own mom at times. While I also do not have a problem with other adults correcting my child--I do have a problem with someone over-talking me while I am disciplining my child. Here is what I would do:

-Your DD picks up the dog toy and you ask her to put it down. Nutsy Cravitz(your neighbor) steps in and yells to your daughter to "drop it". I would stand up, walk toward them, and loudly (over her voice and so the whole neighborhood can hear it)say "Thanks nutsy-but I've got this". If she doesn't stop there--get louder and say "I said I've got this" and give her the look. She will probably be embarrassed, but you know what--she should be embarrassed because she is out bullying other people's 4 year olds and completely over-stepping her bounds. If this doesn't solve the problem, then I would have a face to face no-holds-barred talk with her about what you will not accept her to do with your child. If she runs into the house to pout and her hubby comes out asking for an explanation--let him know that if his wife wants to come out here and talk like adults than you would be happy to discuss. Her husband does not need to do the talking for her. If she has no problem yelling at a four year old--surely she can defend herself in a conversation with another adult. Unfortunately this woman will not change her ways until she is forced to. Best of luck.

Use physical factors to be in charge. Body language, physical location, etc. Step in front of her to take back attention if you need to. Pick up your daughter and walk away while she's talking, etc. Basically if she refuses to respect a boundary then you are going to have to make it clear that she will not be respected when doing that, without starting a fight. Make yourself what your daughter can see. Take your daughter by the hand and walk her a few steps away and talk to her one on one, etc. It's harder while you're really pregnant, but basically you need to use proximity and other physical cues to your advantage whenever possible, and just ignore whatever is coming out of this woman's mouth. Eventually she will take the hint that it doesn't work to try to take over every situation between you and your daughter if she's not getting respected for doing it.

Also, I would consider working out a visual cue with your daughter that means "Please come to me, immediately" which she understands she can follow even if this woman is talking at her. I would explain to her that the woman means well, but sometimes she doesn't understand the rules at our house, and if you give her that signal, it means that this lady doesn't understand something and your daughter should come see you right now. Your daughter will probably feel relieved to have a way to get off the spot with her and you can give her a hug and let her know that she was doing fine. After a few of these the child will start to understand that this woman is silly and she should focus on you for feedback.

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I can understand your frustration. My boyfriend also lives on a block in which all the neighbors are friends and hang out. They all watch over eachothers kiddos but I have never seen anyone step over those boundries. There have been time where I have heard other parents tell another parent if an issue arose while a particular kids parent was gone. I have also heard other parents say to that parent "look, while they are at my house, they must follow my rules. If they don't, they can't be here". I have seen them put eachothers kids in time out etc... But this has been okay with each parent/neighbor. Okay, I think I just confused myself! LOL Anyway, my point is... if you all have an agreement, that is one thing BUT...this is YOUR daughter and she should NEVER talk over you or dicipline your L. girl while you are right there. I agree with another poster that you should politely say "excuse me, this issue is between my daughter and myself...it is my issue to deal with" then excuse yourself and bring your daughter inside or far away. If she does not get the hint at that point...well, you may need to be a bit more forceful. Good luck!

Great advice so far. I do agree, she is still in teacher mode. Hand her a cocktail and tell her you will take care of your daughter.... Hee, hee

Actually the only other thing I would suggest is that if you are already taking care of your own child and she butts in say her name.....
"MARY, I am taking care of this. Thank you. "

This way it grabs her attention that you see her and understand exactly what is going on. You could also mention "she is off from work" so you all "will take care of your kids behaviors".

Yikes! What a situation!

Maybe you could try handling her the same way you might handle if your child was interrupting. (I'll use Jane as your neighbor's name and Mary as your daughter's name.) If you are in the middle of disciplining your daughter, and she interrupts, in your nicest tone you might say, "Excuse me, please, Jane, please don't interrupt me while I am talking with Mary. I will speak to you when I am finished handling this situation with my daughter." Then, without undermining her authority in front of her children, you can speak calmly and quietly to her about your concerns. I don't think getting indignant with her will help; she will become defensive, run away and send her husband out. Like you would with a child, explain to her your feelings, what you want and the resulting consequence. i.e. "I am uncomfortable with the way you sometimes speak to my child. I would prefer that you not discipline her at all, since I feel that our conflicting methods undermine my authority as her parent. If you continue to disrespect me by speaking to her in a way that I feel is not appropriate, then I will be forced to stop interacting with you."

I was once told that there is no way or someone to argue with your feelings. They don't have to be rational or explainable; they are what they are. I know this sounds simple, but you would be amazed at how well it can work. It allows you to assert your authority as a parent, place the responsibility on your neighbor without blaming, communicate your feelings and expectations and the pending consequences. I know that, at first, it might feel great to just "let her have it", but it isn't the right way to treat a person. You don't like the way she is speaking to your daughter, so why would you speak to your neighbor that way? It is still important to set a positive example for your child, whether you think she hears you or not. You should know, though, that if you threaten this, then the only way it will work is to follow through. You might have to play in your yard for a while, if she doesn't change her ways, until she gets the point. If your neighbors feel the same way, then I am sure they will join you in your yard and you won't have to feel left out. I think eventually she will get the point, and if she doesn't, then I wouldn't want to be around her anyway. Good luck!

I may be the minority, but sometimes you just have to be tough with other adults. If you don't stand up, she will continue to act as she sees fit. Just put on your boots and tell her what's really up. It's not "mean" to talk about the elephant when you're knee-deep.

You CAN do this in an authoritative, non-agressive manner:) Maybe simply say, "Please don't talk over me. I am not a child, this is my child you're talking to, and I do not appreciate what you are saying to her at this moment." Or something similar... YOU CAN DO THIS and she needs to know something is wrong or she will never stop.

Good luck:)

I somewhat agree with Julie... The fact is she is treating your kids like she treats her students. She isn't getting out of her school mode and since that is how she acts on a daily basis, it's hard for her to step back. Now the snatching the toy out of my child's hand might be cause for me to say, "I can handle this. Please step off."

Also, you mention her child is younger. Is he the only one that is younger and is he her only? I know I am overprotective of my daughter because she is younger by 2 years than any of the children on my block and she is my only. I raised my voice (said NO really loud) to one child on my block once because he kept stalking my daughter and pushing her down. After the 3rd time and his mother not watching closely or stopping the behavior, I was done. The mother rushed to his side like I was horrible until I explained what was going on. Then she made some comment about overprotective, first-time mothers like it was a bad thing. I know they thought I was insane, but I'm not that lax when it comes to my baby.

So maybe that is another view into her behavior. I try to keep my sanity when it comes to neighbors. Sometimes it feels like HS again with the women on my block and I don't have the stomach to deal with that most of the time. Good luck!

Kids are going to come across many many forms of discipline and tones of voices. Sometimes they'll have a lenient teacher, sometimes they'll have a super strict one. There's nothing wrong with kids being exposed to other adults who may be more vocal and more strict. It will only make them more well rounded. I wouldn't worry a bit about it. Your friend is just handling things how she naturally handles them, even when it is different than how she handles her own children. Maybe she's a little too harsh, but so are some teachers. It's better to not shelter your kids and let them be introduced to different people's mannerisms now when they're young instead of having it be their 3rd grade teacher and have it affect them both emotionally and academically.

I think everyone will look at this differently. I have no problem with other parents gently scolding my children when they do something wrong. But to overspeak my parental teachings would be a different story. We did have one lady who acted like she was in charge of my kids and we had to completely cut her off because nothing got through to her. My kids disliked when she came over with her kids because she was nasty. If talking to her is not working, maybe be more direct and tell her it is not acceptable. She can raise her son how she wants to, but your daughter is your responsiblity. I also have a neighbor who's kids run wild...and she was more strict with my kids than her own. I kept my mouth shut about her kids, and we do not associate with them as much either. Other factors play into it, but all in all, we want our kids to be around and mostly play with kids that are being raised with the same morals and values that we have. And parents that have the same morals and values - it cuts out a lot of the other nonsense. Not to say that we are perfect, because of course that is not true. I know it's hard when it's a neighborhood group like that, but maybe just very firmly tell her to knock it off.

Oh, I know how you feel! I had a friend put my daughter in time out while I was in the process of handling a situation that both of our daughters were involved in. My daughter was 2 at the time.
The best thing, in my opinion, is to interrupt and say a firm, "Enough! If you can't speak kindly to her, then please don't speak at all!" If she doesn't respond, ask her if she heard you and repeat it again.

I have a friend who told her daughter to hit my son because he was trying to get away from her. I didn't say anything because, in reality, I would have taken her down. :)

You may just have to stay on top of EVERY situation. Repeat the same phrase every time she does it. If she won't stop, don't invite her!

Good luck!

I agree that some Moms can be a little overbearing sometimes but this is a bit much. I find it odd that she feels that she has authority over someone else’s child. Children do not need to be disciplined by another parent unless their behavior is either hurtful or dangerous.

Is this person considered a friend to you or just a Mom in the neighborhood? If not a friend, feel free to tell her to back off especially if her children are not given the same treatment. The dog toy and the princess dress incident are way over the top. If her husband comes to her rescue again (even more odd) let him know that under no circumstances will you put up with this nonsense. If you do not stand up for yourself, your child and your family, she will continue this behavior. Even if she reacts in a way that is not very mature, she will think twice about doing something that might provoke another confrontation with you.

Good luck!