Friend Made a scene....what to Do Now?

Did you tell her to take a pill?! What a control freak!!

I'd probably start declining any invitations to her home. She sounds very overbearing & paranoid. Going through a bad time does not entitle you to act like that.

If she asks why you won't come over, then tell her. But, personally, I'd be taking some time from that person, if they were that high strung.

I wouldn't have some big "talk" about it, because she is who she is, and she most likely isn't going to change her way of doing things for you, or change how she acts for you.

I feel sorry for her kids. I know people like that, and it breaks my heart for the little ones.

I ask her if something else was going on, because you find it hard to believe she was over reacting to something so trivial. If she's serious, she's not a true friend, not by a long shot.

If this was out of character for her, I would just chalk it up to her being overwhelmed with all that she is dealing with right now. If it's an all time thing with her, I would back off.

In my opinion - if you have a kids party - be prepared for a mess. Kids are sloppy eaters and she should have removed or covered furniture that she didn't want to get ruined. I am all for kids behaving appropriately, but sometimes little hands and mouths don't cooperate.

M.:

I commend you for keeping your cool for her daughter's sake.

I read your only other question and you talk about how your son has been behaving very poorly lately, having outbursts to the point the school is concerned, etc. Could it be that your son wasn't just eating a cupcake and spilled and was in fact acting inappropriately while eating? Please understand, I am not accusing, I am simply asking. An explanation such as this would add some "sense" to your post. (Ie, would explain someone reacting like a crazy person, sorta=)

I am NOT saying your friend's reaction was warranted, but I do know that if a)someone is super stressed and b) someone's kid is misbehaving, it would probably lead to a mom acting in a manner she shouldn't have. I am not saying to excuse your friend's behavior, but perhaps consider why she was acting the way she was (your son's behavior, her stress, etc). If this is a good friend, you will be able to talk about this with her and she has some explaining to do!!

Give yourself some space from her. There is no explanation necessary unless you want to talk about it with her. Maybe she saw your son doing something you didn't see. And as everyone stated, it is very possible she overreacted. You just need to decide how much this friendship means to you. Clearing the air may help!

Good luck to you.

That's awful!! I'd be upset too and I probably wouldn't be friends with this person. I guess it would depend on our relationship. If we're really close and this is an isolated incident, I'd let it go or talk to her about it. If we're not that close or this happens a lot, I'd part ways. It's not worth the drama for your son. How embarrassing for him, poor thing!

Oh GOOD GRIEF, your friend is a bit much.
That is no big deal.
She sounds real anal.
To bring up an incident... from LAST year... what a grudge holding woman.

My friends would never do that.
They all have kids and know how it is.
Accidents happen.

To me, crumbs are not a big thing.

I think your friend is a passive-aggressive nit-picky person.

I would not be friends with someone like that.

Is she always, like that?
Good grief.

Wow. My friend was over the other day and her son let his ice cream melt in the bowl and then it got tipped over and all over my carpet. My friend was mortified and apologized but it was not a big deal at all! Accidents happen and I had it cleaned up in less than 30 seconds.
I feel so bad for your son. She humiliated him!

The next time she asks you to come over, I would decline her invitation and say that you don't want your child to feel bad if he accidentally spills something again. Regardless of the stress in her life, she had no right to hold the crumbs or the frosting against you or your son.
I'm so sorry this happened!

I think it was uncalled for. Are you serious! Crumbs? After we have a party you can barely walk through my house. So what? We have a good timthen clean it up the next day. I say if your going to get bent out of shape about a mess then have the party somewhere else so somebody else has to clean it up! I don't really have any advice but I think that there was no reason to call you or your little one out like that. Sorry mama!

It's inconceivable to not have crumbs and little messes at ANY party, especially that of a small child. My husband always razzes me about cleaning BEFORE the parties as it is a wasted effort since I'll be cleaning AFTER the parties, as well :)

Your friend was out of line and not very gracious. You could chalk it up to the "difficult time" that you mention she is experiencing and move on ... or you could broach the subject to settle the matter by letting her know that her calling your son out in front of the entire party really embarrassed him (and you), but that you realize that she's had a rough time of it lately and that this sounded out of character for her (hopefully it does!). Then see what she says.

Someone who is going to fret over cake crumbs in such a condescending way should really schedule all future birthday parties at the park or any other place that is not her home!

Okay, you did the right thing not going into it during the party, but then you already know that.

But really, you might consider saying something to her. If she has a party for a 3 year old and does not expect or anticipate that there might be an accident in some form or another, she's just a fool. If she didn't want her precious cushions stained with icing, she should have put covers on them. The boy was FOUR YEARS OLD, for god's sakes.

If you don't want to potentially hurt the relationship, I think the best course of action is this: Send her a bottle of really good spot remover along with a card. "Sorry we had an accident...please let's not let this stain our friendship."

And next time, put a towel on the seat. Not a "good towel." ;o)

I read your previous post, and wondered if he was just eating it and a few crumbs dropped, which is normal, or was he smashing it into his face and 3/4 of the cupcake went flying. You said in the first post that he has some self control issues, so I wondered if that was part of the problem. Im not judging him, or you in this matter even if it was an outburst of uncontrolled excitement that made the mess. What I think is the gal was out of line in saying this in front of the kids, and other parents. Sure no one wants a big mess in their house and even if he had been on his best neat behavoir there had to be a few crumbs somewhere. If a big mess was made she could have just calmly picked up the bigger chunks and politely requested them to "be sure to keep the crumbs on your plates" as a blanket statement and not singled out your boy. I wonder where she got all the other elite children who didnt drop crumbs. I dont think Id accept another invite and if she asks why..you can tell her your son wouldnt want to drop a crumb at her house since she expects perfection from all those who visit.

If she freaked out that badly, then she should really rent a party place instead of using her home...that was downright rude. I would say something after I calmed down.

She sounds like she maybe isn't taking her anti-depression meds or something. My friend gets this way, she freaks out over anything if she hasn't taken her meds that week.

We had another friend freak out on us too. They gave my 3 year old a redhot, spicy candy and he spit it on the kitchen floor. It took less than 2 seconds to clean up. But the dad went absolutely irate and starting yelling and screaming for about 5 minutes, he hunted down his daughter and screamed at her for giving my child the candy. His wife got a small smidgen of the candy on the hem of her pants, and he freaked out at her that she needed to change her pants, he held her down and pulled her sock off b/c it may have also had a speck of spit on it.

We had only known these people for about 3 weeks. Some people are their own brand of crazy. I think it's time to let this friend set sail until she calms down. If she asks why, tell her you didn't appreciate your 5 year old getting crumbs on the floor at a child's party. I would point blank ask her what does she expect from children eating a messy cupcake at a party in her own house?

If she didn't want her house covered in crumbs and frosting she should have had the party elsewhere. So should any mom who does't want to have to clean everything after a party. Even if he was jumping around acting like a heathen she should have known that she'd have a LOT of cleaning to do after.

Your son was eating a cupcake and got crumbs on the floor? Call the crumb police! Geez she would totally freak out at my house then. We have crumbs everywhere and my kids are adults! She overreacted. Let your son know that he should use a plate or napkin when eating any food but that he was not the cause of her rudeness.

Yes it was over the top. I would just let it go and stick to meeting her outside.

If she is your friend, I would mention it. Like you, I can't see getting upset over some crumbs when you're throwing a child's birthday party. I would say that perhaps because she is going through a difficult time, she over-reacted, but the fact that she mentioned frosting on the seat cushion from last year makes be believe that these things truly bother her. I would tell her how offended you were and how badly she made your son feel and then next year when she invites you/your son to the b-day party, I would not go and I would be sure to let her know it's because you don't want to risk having her make your son feel bad again. I definitely would not expose my son to that again!

Yes, she was over the top. Sorry, she sounds like a spazz and that would be it for me, if I was her friend.

Do you think this was a reaction to her stress or is she always super picky like this? If she was being a bit dramatic due to the other issues, then you can ignore, which might be best or you can talk to her about it. If you want to mention it, I'd do it by saying something like wow, you really must be overwhelmed if you're going to get on Son's case about some crumbs...haha! Do you want to talk about it?? So, like be somewhat light hearted but make your point and open the door for her to either apologize or talk about the stuff that's bothering her. I suppose this also matters as to how good of friends you are with her. If you don't consider her as a close friend, I'd probably just back off of her for a while.

YIKES. I will admit up front that I am a neat freak, but you know what my solution to this problem would be, if I were that mom? I wouldn't have a birthday party for a bunch of preschoolers at my house! I mean, kids make messes, it's WHAT THEY DO! Anyone who freaks out about cupcake crumbs on her chairs at her child's birthday party needs to chill the heck out.

With friends like that, who needs enemies? I think I'd try not to be in her company any further, if it were me.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying I'd deal with it right. But what I would say is "He's 5. Get a kid's table." in a quiet, low tone that would encourage her to shut up. I'd clean up the mess. We would do the party a little bit, but as soon as the first guest left, I'd leave then too. It would be hard not to walk out after picking up the crumbs. I wouldn't mention it, but I wouldn't call her either. I'd just drop off the earth. Not only would I be upset that someone made my son feel badly for something that we could (and would) pick up, holding things from last year (a 4 year old?) over my head, and then the end all be all----making a scene in front of me, my child, and everyone else at the party? It would take me awhile to cool down from that. I wouldn't talk badly about her, I wouldn't fuss at her.....but I wouldn't be friendly with her either.

Wow, from the posts I read ( and I didn't read them all ) you guys are hard on your friends. I will agree that the timing of her comment (and the comment itself, actually) was innappropriate and uncalled for, BUT she's human, too, just like you, your five-yr-old and everyone else posting answers. We've ALL made mistakes, said or done things we regretted, used bad judgment, put our feet in our mouths, caused problems for others, reacted poorly, called names and felt bad later about it....WE ALL HAVE DONE IT.

As her friend, talk with her about it, tell her you feel she reacted poorly but find out what's going on with her, is she under stress, is she ill, etc. You'll know from your talk whether she's taking things out on you because of YOU or because of HER.

More importantly, talk with your son (kids) about when people say mean things to them or around them...that sometimes that happens, people say things they shouldn't and we should understand they are sometimes sad inside and so that's what they do; we should understand that, try and help them if we can and, most important, pray for them. If we go around EXPECTING an apology for every bad thing done to us, we'll end up bitter, angry, unfulfilled people.

Good luck. I hope you can salvage your friendship and teach your son something about this experience as well.

Crumbs at a 3yr olds party? Are you kidding me? Yes, she was over the top! Was those the only crumbs that were dropped? If so, I would be shocked.

My guess is she is going through a "difficult time" and is trying to control what she can.

Maybe when you have both had time to settle down, you should have a calm chat. Tell her "We've been friends a long time so I hope we can have this conversation. I am not sure the best solution so I'd like to disucss it with you. I want to hear what you think but here is what is on my mind. I was shocked at your reaction to the crumbs that Johnny dropped at the party and the reference to icing from a year ago. I am not sure why you were so upset about these things as they were not intentional and he's just 5 years old. With you having a 3 year old I thought you would expect this kind of thing."

You may need to conclude with "Going forward, I think our get togethers should be at my home or minus the kids."

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I don't think it had anything to do with the crumbs initially....but it was her finding the stain from the previous year and never saying anything about it to you or your son. She had held that bottled up and was specifically watching for it to possibly happen again this year (maybe even unconcisously).

So when she saw the crumbs she blew it way out of proportion and it turned into a not-so-nice ending.

Forgive your friend. It sounds like if she's having a difficult time with other aspects of life this event was just a mis-directed release of stress over an un-addressed mis-doing over a year ago.

Don't let a little mis-guided steam ruin your friendship. However, I would let her know how you felt when it happened, why you felt that way, and offer your help with other things in her life if possible. That's part of being a friend. Get it out in the open, talk about it and you can both move on in your friendship.

I'd probably not accept any more invitations for parties at her home for your son. I'm appalled that she would bring up some stain he made LAST YEAR in front of him and everyone. That is so not nice. He HAS ears, and feelings. He is 5, and he is a GUEST. Personally, I wouldn't bring it up or I'd explode, but any more invitations to her home, I'd say "no thank you" If she is a good friend otherwise, going through a difficult time, and just happens to be clean freak, I'd maintain the friendship, but maybe meet up without kids for a good long while. I hope after some thought, she apologizes to you for her reaction.

If she is that uptight, she does not need to have parties and guests at her house. Things happen....

I kindof feel bad for her children if this is how she is all the time.

I would kindly be busy if there is another function.

Accidents happen and she obviously overreacted. If she is going through a tough time then this situation just aggravated the underlying issue. I think she owes you an apology but you probably won't get it. I would just give yourselves some space.

I think everyone else have just confirmed your feelings. So won't say more on that. But I will never want to go to such a clean-freak "friend's" house with my young kid anymore! So sorry for your son - he must have felt very bad :(

She should buy clear chair cushion protectors for everyone's sake.

Wow! She was rude! How horrible and disrespectful. She obviously has problems with letting go and forgiving! As a mother, you have to let things slide and she should have anticipated that there would be messes to clean up after her 3 year old birthday party! I would talk with her privately and tell her you didn't appreciate her saying that in front of everyone and if your son did something---last year, she should have brought it up then! Just because she is having a hard time doesn't mean she is excused from bad behavior. Put her in her place. GL

M

Your poor boy--that must have been so embarrassing for him! Honestly i would not confront her about it and just ignore her unless she brings it up, then you can tell her how it upset you and your son to be called out like that for something so innocent

You need to expect messes at a kids party. She should have taken the cushions off in anticipation for this or had the party outside or somewhere else. If she reacts to your child this way imagine how her kid will feel. I would mention to her that your child was upset after she embarrased them at the party.

yes, I think she was being rude and over reacting. it may have been from whatever issues she is having, which is understandable, but not acceptable. i would wait a day or so to cool off and then talk to her about it. I mean, really, it was a few crumbs, not like he was smashing windows or pouring juice on the furniture!

How embarassing and especially for your son! She was definitely over the top and like already mentioned, if you have a kids bday party with cupcakes and other messy things, expect something to drop and roll. I'm sorry that happened. If I was in your shoes, I'd probably need a breather from her for awhile. She owes your son an apology for reacting like that in front of EVERYONE. So, until the steam blows off, see if she'll be mature enough to recognize her behaivor. If not, you need a new friend:)

Wow...a totally inappropriate reaction on her party. If she's this paranoid about crumbs, then she shouldn't be having company at her house, especially kids for a party. Really obnoxious of her, in my opinion. I would steer clear of her for a while. Maybe she'll realized she was rude to you. Sorry this happened.

Yes, that's over the top. You can't expect to have kids in your home without having at least a little bit of a mess. I feel sorry for her daughter if she's like this all the time. If she's a good friend then I would talk with her about it. You could offer to watch her daughter so she could have a little time to herself, or you could both get someone to watch your kids and go out and have a good time together - go to dinner or to the movies, etc.

wow I can't believe she expects no one to get anything on the floor at a party for kids. I'd just turn down further invites to her house and say nothing, unless she asks. Then I'd tell her why.