"Friend" Trying to Leave Me Out of Dinner with Friends Because I Am Nursing

I dont think you should say anything because you would betray the friend that told you. That is gossip going haywire and backfiring on the person that shared it. The friend that told you is probably stressed out now wondering what you are going to do with the information. I would say that the character of the friend that wants to eliminate you from the dinners sucks big time and you should continue to go just to pisse her off ;)

Have a talk with her, call her up before the candle party, tell her you know it bothers her that you WILL be bringing the baby, and you're sorry it bothers her so much. We don't know why she feels this way, we dont understand it but it is the way she feels and people shouldnt tell other people not to feel what they feel. Tell her it wont be much longer that you will be able to bring the baby since she will be crawling, walking etc and won't need to breast feed as often so you hope she will be comfortable enough to continue enjoying the get togethers for a few more months. Dont offer to not go or leave the baby. If she wants to stay away then let her. Do you think she is upset that she never brought her baby on these evenings or couldnt breastfeed or had a miscarriage or something? We never know everything that is going on in people's life.
Then I do think when the baby starts crawling around and getting into everything you stop bringing her since (I assume) these are adult only functions.

I was on your side till the What Happened. Sorry, but you sound very self-righteous. This dinner is not about you, it's about a group of friends. You changed the rules by bringing baby, and they have every right to be ticked. I love babies, but I don't necessarily want one around on a girls night out. A dear friend has a 7 month old - he doesn't come on GNO. If you have a 2-3 hour window between feedings then you go for 2-3 hours. You are choosing to breastfeed, choosing not to pump, choosing not to supplement, and choosing not to leave baby - the consequence of your choices is that this dinner group isn't a good fit for you right now.

You should not bring the baby, OR your mother, to your moms night out. Even though you may have a perfectly behaved baby it still defeats the purpose of getting out with friends and NO kids. I would be opposed to this as well. I am sure that it ruins the vibe of the whole night. That being said, your friend wanting to change the night and not tell you was a really bad thing and the wrong way to go about it. You really should pump or stay home. sorry.

She might not have handled it correctly but I can understand how she feels. I don't think this is about her but about you. Did you ask before you started bringing your baby? Adult time is just that, adult time. If I don't want to be around my kids for this dinner, why would you think I would want to be with yours? It really doesn't matter how old or how well behaved your child is, this dinner was a "kid free" dinner and at least one and probably more what it to be a kid free dinner. You mentioned common courtesy, that again goes both ways. The group has made an exception for you for seven months, it is your turn to show common courtesy and make other arrangements for your baby.

How long does your baby go between breastfeedings now? Would she make it long enough for you to leave her at home so YOU can have a break too? At 7 months old, unless you're gone for HOURS, she should be ok for 2-3 hours without you.

While I disagree with the way your 'friend' is going about things behind your back, I do *kinda* see her point. These dinners are a chance for you all to get out and possibly her only break from her own kids. Again, she's going about dealing with this ALL wrong, but if you and your baby can handle the couple of hours apart from each other (and in all fairness, some can't) then maybe try. You may like and appreciate the time for just you :)

I don't think it is directly toward you because you are nursing.

I think it is because the group is a group of women who want to have their night with no children, BF or not, social or not.

We had a group in my neighborhood and the beauty of being in the group is that we left all children with their daddies or a sitter to get quality friend time together.

Try not to take it personally, it sounds like they want a group of all adult only. That is ok....they should communicate that with you vs pitting one person against the other though.

It's a girls' night out and has been for several years. You're breaking the unspoken 'code' for girls' night out.

Her thought process might not seem nice to you, but I would side with your friend.

If you want to continue the activity, you need to do so without the baby or don't go at all. I don't think anyone is trying to be mean to you or exclude you simply because you're nursing. I think they're trying to preserve an all girls' activity but you feel entitled to switch it up because "you're nursing", like you should get special treatment.

On the bright side, your baby won't be feeding so frequently for too much longer and you can rejoin the group once it is just *you*.

Sounds like this is a group designed just for adults to get together. Even though your baby is a good, social baby, you should respect that these dinners were intended to be adults only, so friends can get away without kids. The woman who is talking behind your back isn't handling it very well, but she does have a point. Either go to dinner without your baby or wait to go until you are comfortable leaving her.

Well, I think she was rude to go behind your back, but I don't blame her or anyone. We have a tight group and we value and treasure our girl's nights! Three of us have small children, and sometimes we have events children are welcome to attend, but on our girls' nights -no. I think you have a much bigger problem in that you have a 7 month old who is still feeding every 2-3 hours and won't take a bottle. I'm surprised you're not absolutely crazy!

Just because you wouldn't mind if someone brought their baby doesn't mean no one else does. How are you going to differentiate when another mom can't find a sitter, her husband is out of town, so she DOES bring her wild toddler? The basic rule of girls' night is no kids -period. It would put a damper on our groups' nights if someone brought their baby. Just because you chose to have a baby and breastfeed without pumping doesn't mean everyone should change everything for you. Sorry!

If you really want to confront her -go ahead, but be prepared for what she says. If you confront her, it should be about her being sneaky in trying to change things instead of saying to you outright, "Our next few dinners are going to be adults only, so I wanted to give you a heads up so you'll have time to make arrangements." The whole "I deserve a pass and allowances to bring my baby" argument shouldn't be raised.

Well, I don't understand why you bring the baby with you either.

Can't you pump and have dad keep the baby for a few hours armed with BM bottles and a cell phone just in case?

Maybe your GFsfeel the point of the dinner night is to get AWAY from the kids.
Least that would be MY guess. We girls do get stingy about our 'kid free' time, it's SO precious!
:)

If you feel you can behave yourself then go to the candle party. A party that a third party is hosting is not an appropriate time for you to say something to your friend. If you feel you must say something then either call your friend or invite her to meet you somewhere. If it were me, I would stop attending the dinners until I was able to keep it baby free. I would call my friend and say something to the effect of you could have told me how you felt about bringing baby to the dinners. I won't be attending until she is able to stay with her father.

This is a GNO which means moms only and no babies or kids...period. No exceptions. You should stay home and let them enjoy a night out. If you can't be without your baby that doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to go out without your baby. You are being selfish and inconsiderate by only thinking about this from your point of view. There are two sides to this and you are not being considerate to your friend's side so you are leaving her no option but to change the night without telling you.

Well, she's not excluding you because you are nursing, she wants to exclude you because the group is design for friends to get out and have some downtime as adults. As sweet and good as your baby may be she still distracts from the ability to do that. If I were going to spend money on dinner, maybe have to spend $ on a sitter to go out without my kids I honestly wouldn't want someone else's kids there on a regular basis. Please don't take this to mean that I'd never want to dine out with my friends/family that have kids. I do and I enjoy it but some downtime is nice too. And I'm a hard-core breastfeeding mama so I feel your pain feeling like you need to be with baby but there are ways to have some time for you too.

But all that being said, it is incredibly rude of this friend not to gently explain the situation to you. For her to want to change the night and not tell you is an awful thing to do to a friend.

I think I am the "friend" in this situtation... I have a friend who exclusively nursed her baby. the baby would never take the bottle. she would always bring the baby everywhere. even our friends wedding, when it was obviously an adult-only reception. I sort of stopped hanging out with her as much. i love her still, but that didn't mean i wanted her children around me always. whether they were good or bad. sometimes you want adult-only time. time to undwind, time to chat with your best girlfriends. tell them about your day and vice versa. and regardless of how good that baby is, they will get in the way of that. I have two kids. If i can take the time to leave my babies and home and miss them, so that I can get some adult time, then why should I have to be with other children? I think you should try and feed the baby, get out for an hour or so and run home if she's really eating ever 2-3 hours. Or, maybe put your dinners on hold until you're done breast feeding. I would also just let it go with this friend. as you can see, maybe people have posted that they see the 'friend's" side. So she's not rediculous in the way she's thinking.

As a mom who nursed for 21 months, I do understand. But also, the group was started by adults, for adults. I agree with Lesley S. below ... it's a chance for the moms to get away w/out kids in tow. Because really, one adorable baby is a distraction from the task at hand -- adult conversation, etc. !! :) Not sure how old your baby is at this point, but a few hours away will be fine. If you need to, you could pump if you start to get uncomfortable.

Personally I would be very upset if someone thought they could just change the parameters of the night out. I think that you are being selfish for imposing how you feel on the others. Did she handle the situation wrong yes! But so did you. If this is a no kids outing then you should respect it as the others do. And just be careful when you do approach her about it you may find that there are quite a few more ladies in the group that share her feelings. They may just not have vocalized them for one reason ot another. Also it seems to me that you are using the baby in some way. You can leave your child at home. It is okay. You are not chosing one thing over the other. You are simply taking care of yourself and your need for some down time. This only helps you come home to your kids recharged and ready to go and be the great mom they love.

I don't think your friend did anything wrong. She was not happy with the current situation, probably didn't want to tell you because it would hurt your feelings, so simply excused herself. If she wants to get together with the group at another time, it's her right to do so. The other friend should have kept quiet. I agree with others that even though I have kids and love them, since mine are school age now, I am not particularly drawn to babies and wouldn't want one at what I consider my rare adult time. Time away from my kids is infrequent and treasured. Why would I take time away from my kids only to be with someone else's? So that may be similar to how she feels.

In my opinion and it sounds like, your dinner groups opinion, you most definitely should leave your baby at home. Nurse her before you leave and then as soon as you get back. Ask yourself: Am I just wanting more attention by bringing the baby? Is it right to bring a child when it's supposed to be adults only? Should the rules apply to everyone including me? Am I being fair to all the members of this group?

Remember this mantra in practically all that you do: "If it's important to you, you'll find a way, if it's not, you'll find an excuse." It seems all you have are excuses why you can't comply with the adults only policy. And you're very whiny about those excuses to boot! If it's important to you to respect the wishes of all the members of the group and take care of your baby's needs you will find a way to attend the dinner without disrespecting others by bringing the baby and yet still make sure the baby's needs are met.

Why make drama for yourself? You sound very immature. A child thinks the world revolves around her. "I should be able to break the rules because I'm me and I'm entitled to do whatever I like no matter what anyone else thinks." This is what you sound like. Just in case you wanted some insight. Think about how you'd like your life to be: full of drama and worry or happy and pleasant? I think it's time for some introspection.

I would think a 7-month-old baby could go for longer than that without nursing. It's not like she is a newborn. Seventh months is old enough to be sitting up, making lots of noise and drawing all the attention. I breastfed, and I love babies, but I'm with your friends on this one. Join back up with the group when she is able to hold on without you for longer than 2 hours. Maybe just a few more months I would think.

First of all, if it's been used as a get-away from the kids, then nobody wants to come and have to deal with the presence of someone else's kid. Period. That's reason enough for you to actually be the one to bow out until you no longer feel the need to bring your baby. You should have more consideration for the other "friends". (I can't tell from your post if it's all women or a mixed group.) Whether people have children at home or not, an adult evening should be just that, and it's not cool for you to decide unilaterally that you'll make an exception and inconvenience others. You should have asked the group before just deciding to bring her. It doesn't matter that you think that everyone should be okay with it. That's just not your call.

Secondly, it's not okay for her to plan to change things and exclude you, but it's an uncomfortable situation. How would someone come to you and say, "Leave your baby at home"? You would think they were wrong. You have created this uncomfortable situation and should set out to fix it. Instead of confronting someone, you should work behind the scenes and bow out until you can leave your baby at home. Let it be "leaked" to this person what you are doing, and ask them to keep you in the loop by sending pictures or otherwise sharing the experience. Maybe someone can bring you a menu and a doggy bag from each outing that you miss. Maybe you can feed your baby right before you leave and be prepared to go back home early.

You should not say anything about it to her, since she did not bring it to you herself. Behave with her like you don't even know. Actually, you don't know. You got some info second hand and should not treat it like the woman said it to you directly. She might have been venting or brainstorming in that conversation, so you have no right to confront her about it. You don't what was going on.

Just a little note: Your baby HATES the bottle? I would, too, if refusing it would give me more attention from my mommy. Babies also hate to be out of the warm comfort of the womb, but they have to adapt to "life outside".

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but this isn't "all about you." I haven't read the rest of the responses, but I have to say that I can empathize with your friend who doesn't want to have "dinner with the baby" (to quote your quote). If you all originally were having couples' night out together, it's not a couples night out any more if the baby comes along.

For my husband and I, we have very limited ability to get "couples time" without our little one, and it is special and cherished (and much needed for our sanity). So, if it were me, I might be resentful of having that couples time become family when that is not what the tradition had been.

Rather than foist yourself and your baby on the other couples, and change what was a "couples night out" for you all, into a family night because you're insisting and don't care what others think, perhaps you would be better off to sit out on the couples night for a couple of months if you feel that you need to nurse the baby.

A breatfeeding baby, even one that is not on solid foods, can go 2 or 3 hours without breastfeeding. And it sounds like your little one is starting on solid food, so you can take a break and leave him/her at home with the sitter for a couple of hours and no harm done. Or, sit this out until the baby is a bit older and less in need of nursing.... Sometimes we can't have our cake and eat it, too, and if nursing is that crucial, then it needs to set ahead of your social life.... I'm not trying to be mean, so I'm sorry if it comes across that way.

In the meantime, while sitting it out, maybe you can start a separate tradition of a monthly family night, where kids are all allowed, inviting these same couples & their families. Issue a separate invitation to the group and let them know you're interested in starting an additional tradition of family night in addition to the current tradition of the couples night out.

I have to agree that babies should not be included into a girls dinner.... this is only because the child becomes the center of the conversation, and everyone would have rather been talking about other things. My suggestion- You nurse right before you walk out the door and leave your daughter at home. In 3 hours when you return, she'll be ready to eat. Believe me, as much as you like the baby being there, you need your adult time! It will make you a better mother if you miss your children occasionally. Don't leave her behind because other members of this group don't want her there,do it for yourself!

Sorry, but at 7 months, there's no reason to have the baby along on a "girls night" out. If she can go for 2 to 3 hours, then that's your window. I would apologize to the group if you hadn't discussed it before you brought your baby along - did any of the others before you bring theirs? I would simply say that you didn't think about how it seemed to them - some might feel like you've "invaded" their time with you, like they're not as important anymore, etc. This is an adult event and if it's only 1 night a month, you either go alone or don't go. Your friends need your full attention and with a child along, it doesn't happen. You can say something to her alone, but if it was me, I'd do it in a group setting and like I said apologize for not discussing it earlier - that you just didn't think about their feelings or thoughts. Yes, I'd go to the candle party (I'd ask the hostess if I could bring the baby before I brought her along). I'm not critising, I'm just trying to see both sides of the situation. You do need to look at it from their perspective. If no one's had a child since the group started, then you can't look at "history".

I agree with quite a few of the other mamas. This is an opportunity for you to have kid free time (and I'm sure the other ladies see it the same way). If everyone were bringing their babies, but she only had an issue with yours, I could understand being upset. I think she has not handled the situation well (by trying to leave you out), but I think that maybe you need to leave baby with Dad for that one night a month. BF right before leaving, leave a bottle with it in the fridge, and plan on only being gone the amount of time your daughter can truly go without food. I know you may like bringing her, but think of it as an opportunity to have "you" time! :)

P.S. I would not confront her. If she only told your one friend, that will definitely make things awkward between the two of them. Plus, it really isn't going to solve anything...she has her thoughts and you have yours.

While going "behind your back" is childish, I can see your friend's point. These get togethers are meant to be adult time. And it doesn't matter if your child is a baby and no one ever notices her there or not, she is. And this could bother other people, especially the breast feeding part. While yes, it is the "natural" thing to do, some people are still weirded out by it, whether you are covered up or not (not that you stated either way).

You are the one creating controversy by bringing a baby/child to what has always been assumed to be an adult event. It should be on you to either buck up and pump or arrange your time out so that your daughter eats just before you leave and will be ready to feed again just as you return.

I would not say anything to your friend, because that is just going to open a whole can of worms for the rest of the women regarding who told you.

I don't agree with the way your friend is handling the situation. I think to secretly plan a separate girls' night without just being up-front with you about bringing your baby along is wrong. Maybe in her mind she's trying to spare you from hurting your feelings or making you think she doesn't like your child/children, but her actions are actually backfiring on her.

That said, I think we're all guilty sometimes of having the "It's MY kid, so that makes it ok" mentality. I think my almost 3-year-old is perfect and brilliant, but my friends might not think so. ;-) I'm sure your 7-month-old is as precious as you say she is, but I don't think it's unreasonable for your friends to want to have one night of adults-only companionship without her. I don't think your friend's desire for that means we "would think she never had kids". It just means she doesn't want ANY kids (yours, hers or anyone else's) around for a meal out amongst friends. Try not to take it personally. If you want their companionship but can't accommodate the "rule" of not bringing kids, then why not suggest a family-friendly dinner or get-together so you can all bring your kids/spouses/sig. others?

I know you wanted a specific answer to a specific question, so here goes: Call your friend and talk to her about it, or ask her to grab a coffee with you (just you two alone, no kids, no other friends) and explain to her that it hurt your feelings. Don't confront her at the candle party. That's not the time nor the place. Don't give her the cold-shoulder either, as that will certainly cause a bigger rift. You're both adults. Just have a conversation with her about it. If you're that good of friends, you will be able to come to a compromise so that everyone is happy.

Good luck!

I haven't read responses so not sure if I'll repeat but it sounds to me that you are being a little selfish. If this is a ladies dinner group it's probably to get away from the children and yet you are bringing one of yours that takes a lot of attention. If your daughter is eating solids then hubby needs to give her solids while your gone and you can breastfeed when you get home. I have 2 children and breastfeed both but would pump to leave a bottle if I ever needed to go out. If the pump hurts you probably aren't doing it right or have it turned up too high. I think you should still go to the candle party and apologize to the friend about bringing your daughter. Let her know you didn't think it would be an issue but will try leaving her at home. If it doesn't work out then you'll stop going until after she finishes breastfeeding. I would be upset as well. If there are no kids allowed then there are NO kids allowed. I think your daughter will be fine with your husband for a few hours. You feed her before you leave and if she gets hungry while your gone he can try a bottle or solid food. I don't think the issue is with your daughter not taking the bottle I think the issue is you don't want her to become independent and not need to depend on you for food. She will still take the breast even after eating solids. Both of my boys did and they slept better through the night. I'm sure non of that is what you were hoping for but I have to agree with your friend on this one. When there is a baby or child the attention goes to the them not the conversation. Especially if the dinner is meant to get away from the kids for some adult time. Either leave your DD at home with hubby or don't go to the dinner until your done breastfeeding.

Your friend has a valid point. I think you should stop going until your baby can spend a few hours without you, you aren't being fair to the other moms. I would be upset with you too.

EDIT I think you should leave your mom at home too. It's not fair you bring help for a moms night out. This doesn't sound like a group of friends if your mom is there.

This is a post that could get divisive. But I have actually faced a similar situation twice so I will try to jump in and explain what happened.

I have a set of friends I have known since elementary school (and that's a log time ago indeed). So our friendship is about us; meaning we didn't meet after marriage and babies. One of the girls always wants to gather at her house instead of going out. The other 5 of us decline her offer 9 times outta 10. Going out is simply such a treat for us. Her house has 3 kids and there friends careening thru it. Her husband is always there. I think we all dislike the distraction of her kids (bless them). We do not want to waste even a second of the limited time we have together.

I encountered this situation with another group of friends over our annual girls weekend. I had an 8 week old one year and half jokingly asked if I could bring him because otherwise I couldn't go. I was kindly but firmly told No. Same thing has happened to other of the girls when they were pregnant or nursing over this weekend.

I guess what I am saying, is I can definitely see why anyone from your group would not want a baby present at your dinners out. She may really treasure the tradition you have started and resents having the rules change. BUT...! She could have shared her concerns with you and the group in a much more caring, non-dramatic way. So don't stew about it. Don't vent to the others girls. Take the higher ground and tell her your feelings were hurt and ask her why she feels so unhappy about you bringing your baby to the dinners.

I agree with the "friend". The whole reason for starting a group like that is to get away from the kids. I do not think it is unreasonable for the group as a whole to ask you to leave until your baby is of age to be left longer without nursing. But it needs to be a group thing, not a one person thing.

I nursed my 3 boys, for over a year each, and I did (and still do) belong to groups where kids are prohibited. I love it. I love that I can go on an evening where I can leave home behind and not deal with anything other than myself and my comrades. It is a great release and distraction from the day in and day out of kids, kids, kids, kids ,kids. Thats all this woman wants, and I think it is not unreasonable.

I know it hurts, feels rude, and it makes you feel more lonely. But it is just a short time and soon you will be able to rejoin the group and be able to let go, like the rest of them.

I am in agreeance with most of the women's comments.

I have a 3 year old and one on the way.

Bringing a baby and your mother does change the whole dynamic of girl's night out.

I love my alone time and cannot wait for girl's night w/o the husbands and kids.

I did breastfeed. I pumped everywhere I went w/o my child. I even pumped in the back of a Suburban on girl's weekend.

My daughter had to learn to take the breast milk from the bottle b/c mommy needed some girl time. When I am recharged, I am a better mommy.

so now you are bringing not only your baby out with your girlfriends, but your mom????

either you go without the baby and without your mom or do not go.

or go until you need to nurse, then excuse yourself and go home.

having a baby there, regardless of how good natured it is changes the dynamic.

.

Yes your friend is going about it all wrong but a ladies night out means no kiddos. Like stated before it is kind of a code. It changes the vibe. I didn't go out for mom's nights out for about a year after each of my babies because they only wanted M.. It sucked but I wasn't willing to leave my baby crying. No I would not confront her (especially not at someone else's party) because you would out the friend that told you. I am wondering if the friend that told you what the other one said was trying to give you a hint or else why would she even tell you knowing no good would come from it. Were they all okay with you bringing the baby when
you first asked and now she is backtracking? Either way I don't think it has anything to do with nursing or your baby. Hope things smooth over soon!!

Sounds like one of two things is happening (or both). Either she really just wants an adults night out (no kids, period) or she is uncomfortable with you breastfeeding while there (don't know how you handle that).

Regardless of how great your baby is, does anyone else bring their child? If not, this could be part of the issue. I get that you are nursing but couldn't you pump and allow someone else to watch your baby for a few hours while you go to dinner (your mom, the other grandmother, or the babies father)? Have you talked to any of the other friends to see how they feel?

I suggest that you ask your friend, if they are there, if they will be at the next dinner (don't ask like you know what the other friend has told you). Then see how she reacts to you being there w/ the baby (you may be able to get a feel for if the issue is your child or the nursing).

I don't think this is something to confront her about. True, she has handled this poorly, but we've all been guilty of mishandling a situation when we aren't sure how to go about addressing it. The fact is, she isn't the one who changed the group dynamic. I breastfed and understand all that entails, but girl time is sacred. I have a friend who used to always bring her baby to girls' nights and I promise, even though your baby is precious, there is a different "feel" when a child is present and it absolutely affects the evening for everyone else.

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the other posters on here. This is a group of women getting together for a night out without all the other parts of our lives involved ....kids, husbands, chores, etc. I understand "why" you are bringing the baby but it would be totally different if this was a group of mom's getting together and more than one person was bringing the baby with them. The excuse of "well she/he is still a baby" doesn't cut it in my opinion. I understand you are breastfeeding and IF you want to participate then other options should be considered such as pumping, supplementing or having the hubby to come and pick up the baby afterwards so you would have more time to spend with just the girls. It's your choice to do things the way you want to -you however don't force your choices upon others that isn't fair.
If I have a night out with the girls and its a known fact its for the girls I wouldn't even think about going with one of my kids regardless of the age. If I couldn't go because I was breastfeeding or couldn't get someone to watch the kids then I would just have to pass up the opportunity. I do think it was tacky of the friend to go behind your back and change the night so that you wouldn't attend-she could have approached it many different ways but none the less it still would have pissed you off regardless I feel because you don't see their side. Not everyone shares your outlook-now if she is the ONLY one in the group that feels this way then maybe she should find another group to go out with. I would suspect though that perhaps there are others in the group that feel this way but just didn't have the balls to say or do anything about it. If you value these relationships and hers then you have a big decision to make. If you approach her or say something then not only are you betraying the friend that gave you the information you are only going to piss off the other gal and what have you accomplished except divide the group? Will the others have your back or will they have yours? It sounds to me that someone in the group needs to leave if you are not willing to compromise here or vice versa on her part. If she isn't willing to compromise then she needs to leave because you two are obviously at two different stages in life. However, she might not be the only one in the group that feels this way. IF you value all of these women and are not quite sure she is the only one that feels this way -leave the baby at home and be willing to do other options so that you can go out. If the baby refuses a bottle then you have no choice but to not participate. Sometimes those are sacrafices we have to make as a mom. Sorry if I sounded harsh just trying to relay that not everyone shares your "way" of doing things and yes I agree the friends tactic was very sly but you can either do something about it and cause more havoc and the group would be seperated anyways over the arguement or you can keep your mouth shut and stop bringing the baby. Plain and simple.

I guess I understand both of your sides. But, on your friends behalf this is supposed to be adult time. Why can't you pump and leave your baby with your mom for an hour or two? The point is "adult time".

Good luck,
DH

Reading your So What Happened, it seems like you still don't understand that the majority of people think you're wrong. It can be hard to accept sometimes when you're so sure you're right that maybe you're not but you've gotten an overwhelming number of responses and the vast majority are saying your friend is right - hence, that answers your question of how to confront her. You don't need to confront her at all - maybe talk to her nicely but confront implies you are right and she's not. Take a step back and realize most people are in your friend's camp so you are out voted and should concede. You would not mind if a friend brought a nursing baby but that's you. The majority of people do mind so that's that. I would say ask your group but people may be afraid to tell the truth if it does bother them and as other people said, your friend isn't the one changing the dynamic. You are.

Go to the candle party, and tell the "friend" you noticed she hasn't been at the monthly dinners and you've missed her (if that's true), basically give her a chance to say something to you first. If she hems and haws, you can say "because i was concerned that being in the presence of my breastfeeding baby has kept you away..." Again, giving her the chance to say something about it. Benefit of the doubt here -- it could be that she's been trying to get pregnant again, having trouble, and seeing newborns hurts too much... or maybe she's just a not-very-supportive friend who doesn't want to dine with you and the baby. In which case -- let her stay away! Carry on with your life and socialize as you see fit. Let her do what she's going to do, I can't imagine a whole group of people would go along with such antics (change the night and not tell you, what are we in 7th grade?) so most likely she's just going to alienate herself. So be it.

I suppose democracy rules: If the majority of the group doesn't mind if you bring the baby, and the hostess is good with it also, then you should go. However someone other than you or this woman should survey the group for their opinion. I agree that it is silly to expect you ti sit at home without any social life for the entire time that you're breastfeeding.

Also, to me, it signals the end of the group is at hand if 2 members have a falling out and are cold to one another... I don't see how a "party of friends" will continue if there are hard feelings and offense felt between the attendees. And the other attendees will just feel awkward around you and her. I would only confront her if you want to speed up the collapse of the group dynamic.

I personally would not confront her. You cannot change the way this woman feels. I do think if it is an adult gathering then all children/babies should not go. I am also exclusively breastfeeding too. I try to pump at least one ounce everyday or two to freeze then when I want to go out with friends/family without the children I am able to without making anyone feeling uncomfortable. If the pump hurts so bad it sounds like you're not using it right and you may want to talk to a lactation consultant for assistance.

I know you only wanted one question answered, but got answers to others you never asked. That happens in blogs....don't think anyone meant anything bad by it. We're all here to be helpful.

If you confront this person, it could be the end of the friendship. So you have to decide if you want to take that risk.

I know many people wouldn't mind dinner with a baby. But she does. She has in mind the rule of the dinner group is no kids, and you have in mind that nursing babies are allowed.
This is why you 2 are butting heads.
You could have a calm discussion with her about this and see if you can settle the difference of opinions. But I would NOT do it at this other function. I suggest finding another time. Good luck.

I think too many women have been poisoned and made callous against the social plight of breastfeeding mothers. Somehow they feel a mother who breastfeeds should be excluded, or should closet herself away while she "lowers" her status in society to feed her child. This relates directly to the objectification of women as sex objects and women buying into this concept. I feel a woman has a right to breastfeed her child- anywhere. I also feel other women should be supportive of their family, friends, and other women who are excersing their rights by feeding their babies the way nature intended- by the breast. I think you should ask her why she has such a problem with you breastfeeding your infant. Your infant is dependent upon you for food. I think it's ridiculous to force a nursing mother to use a painful pump, or feed the baby formula. Women have enough pressures now-a-days. We certainly don't need to kick each other into little boxes of expectations. You deserve friends who care enough about you to accept you in this stage of your life.

Good luck!

Do not confront the woman. Everyone has their preferences. She was being very discrete in not bringing it up in front of you and even asked that it not be told. Be thankful that she is being very mature about it. It may not be the nursing that she doesn't approve of, she just wants a night out where she is with adults. Even if your baby is a good baby, your baby is there and maybe just changes the dynamics for her. I would not get defensive about it. Maybe it just keeps her from feeling "free" from her kids when she can't get away from kids period.

If I were you, I would try to figure out how to come without your baby. At 7 months, she can go several hours without nursing. Nurse right before you leave and then tell your husband to call you only if she is absolutely hysterical. If not, then let you stay and enjoy the evening. You may have to cut your evening short once in a while, but your daughter will be fine and you need a break too! Do not bring up anything about it at dinner. Enjoy the evening and your friendships. You can be a good friend to this lady by putting her needs first, even if you do not agree with them or understand them. It sounds like she really is missing the group and would like to come again.

If the friend who invited you to the candle party, separate from your dinner group, is okay with you bringing your baby, then you could take her.
Being mutually invited to something that isn't your "usual" dinner meetings shouldn't cause any problems.
I know you feel that everyone should show you common courtesy as a nursing mother, but if the other ladies leave their kids home, they might not see why you, nursing or not, are bringing your child.
If your baby eats every 2-3 hours, maybe you could try feeding her before you go and only staying that long so that you can enjoy the company of your women friends without the baby. We're talking 2 hours.
You might have fun.

I wouldn't say anything to the gal who doesn't like you bringing your baby. Especially not at someone else's function.
It really is okay to leave your child for little periods at a time. My husband and I had to attend business functions and grandma kept the baby.
He survived just fine. And so did I.

Best wishes.

I had 2 neighbors call me before our lunch date to remind me that neither my child nor my husband was invited. It was for women only. Obviously they had talked about it as they called at almost the same time. I was planning on going alone, but the rude way they acted about my husband and child led me to conclude they don't like my husband or child.

My husband thought I should go anyway because neither has or wants kids.
It was "not personal" but you know how that goes...it wasn't personal to them.

If you want to keep attending, I would but make sure to not sit across from or beside the woman who doesn't want the baby around. I know here that many moms have RULES about meeting and such to keep everyone on the same page. I know of several moms' night out which prohibit kids and they would actually tell you when you arrived. I asked one M. once why so strict and she said it was the one time they could have adult conversations and not have to deal with kids. I didn't understand then, but boy do I understand now. I really enjoy my limited uninterruped grown up talk not involving the kids. I enjoy not having to take care of anyone else for a few hours. It is relaxing.

If you nurse your baby at the table or during the party and not in private, that would make ME uncomfortable and I have 2 kids and 1 on the way....the last one I nursed for a year. I am just into doing that at private. At parties, I would ask if I could use a bedroom (like my nephews that they weren't using) and at a restaurant I would go to the car. Maybe that is just me -- as many women seem willing to do it in public. BUT, if your friends do not have kids, it likely makes that one particular woman uncomfortable. I do think she is wrong for trying to exclude you -- if she doesn't want to see it, she doesn't have to come. BUT, I think you should have a nonconfrontational talk with her about what the situation is and find out if it is her comfort level with the nursing or the fact that the baby is there at all. Good luck!

Have you tried hand expressing? I don't think I could live being strapped to my baby every 2-3 hours and NEVER have expressed. Wow. Mama needs some alone time too -- for her sanity!

If your baby were younger I would say just go and bring the baby and don't worry about this other woman's opinions. But since she is 7 months old I think you should give it a try going without her one time. Just go for 2 hours (or whatever you are comfortable with). It is a little strange to me that this bothers this other woman so much, but everyone is entitled to their opinions. Anyway, it is nice to get out with just adults now and then, so I say give it a try one time and see how it makes you feel!

Personally I would just stop going to the group until you are done breastfeeding. You don't think it's a big deal, but the others clearly want the dinner to be with women only and that is understandable. Just go back when you're done.

As far as the candle party goes, if the hostess doesn't have a problem with you bringing the baby, then go. It's up to the hostess since it's her party and her house. If the friend is there and brings it up, I would just confront her with your points of why you think it's ok to bring the baby and see what she says. If she says she thinks its a womens only group and the baby is a distraction, well, I could see that and then you have to decide if its worth fighting about. I don't think it is. Stay home and enjoy your sweet baby while you can and stay away from the cranky old ladies! Just my opinion but good luck!

Personally, I would not take the baby with me. Not at 7 months old at least. When she was younger and would mostly sleep between feedings I could understand, but not at that age. A 7 month old baby plays, makes noise, demands attention, and can be distracting to the other people at the get-together.

If your daughter is okay for 2-3 hours, then go for that amount of time. I'm sure your friends will understand if you have to leave early to feed her. They will probably appreciate your thoughtfulness at not bringing the baby anymore too. I have a feeling that other people in the group agree with her, but just are not speaking up.

I will say the way the woman is handling the situation is rude. I think she should have politely talked to you instead of talking behind your back. I would confront her, but very nicely. Tell her you've heard she doesn't want your baby to tag along, and ask if there is a compromise that would be acceptable so that everyone can enjoy the get-togethers. Tell her you'd hate for this one thing, which is temporary, to ruin a friendship.

I have not read all of the responses, but I do agree completely with A.L. up top here. I think if a group was initially formed and was adults-only, then there shouldn't be any reason for you to get bent out of shape when one (or all for that matter) of the other members would prefer you not to bring your nursing child. For a lot of women, a break is needed not only from their own children, but from all children & it sounds like that's what this dinner night was initally meant to be for some of the other mom's.

I'm not sure how your dinner nights have anything to do with a completely separate candle party being held at another friend's home or why you would choose not to go because the woman who you've heard 2nd hand information about will be there. If you feel like you need to confront her I would do it separately, away from any pre-planned events and just ask her why she didn't come talk to you about it directly instead of feeling like she needed to talk about you to others. If you are mature about it, and are able to handle it without getting your feelings hurt, then that is probably the best way to go.

its wonderful that you are breastfeeding. congrats for you. but i am with your friend on this one. its suppose to be dinner with friends an escape from the kids and your bring you baby along kind of ruins the evening for her. i say get a group together that is willing to allow kids every now and then. or pump. i know i would dread it if i was looking forward to a night out free with the girls and ppl were bringing there kids. sometimes its good for people to have a break and be kid free for an hour or two.

I'm like you! I bring my nursing baby everywhere with me. I would go to the party WITH my baby (to support your other friend).

If you are comfortable enough to speak with this woman, make sure you do it in private so you don't call her out in front of others. Keep most of your statements "I statements" to not "point your finger" at her. Just explain that you've heard she's disappointed that you are bringing your baby with and let her know that once she is old enough to go without nursing during that period, you will stop bringing her. Let her know that you understand and would not bring her EXCEPT that she is nursing (IF THIS IS THE WAY YOU FEEL>.)

Do all the moms have a problem with this or just the one woman??? Perhaps the group as a whole should set guidelines so everyone knows what is happening.....?

Good luck.

PS> I'm probably not outgoing enough to talk to the woman about it. If there was only one person having a problem, I'd just keep attending as you presently are.

I am late to the party with this answer. Sorry. I am one of the friends who would probably stop coming to the dinner group if someone started bringing a baby along. I love babies don't get me wrong. but having said that this is an adult group. If your baby is 7 months old it is old enough for you to work around the feeding schedule. if it is 7 months old and your still "feeding" every 2 and half hours then your baby is ready for more solid foods. It is not fair to the others for you to have a baby along. no matter how social your baby is it is distracting to adults to try to have an adult conversation with a baby in the group. mother is distracted, grandma is hovering and friends are just wondering how long is it going to be that your bringing the baby along. I say good for the friend who told you whats going on. obviously you didn't have a clue about it. I belong to a lunch group. one of the ladies is a new grandmother. for a while she brought pictures of the baby. now he is 5 months old and she has started to bring him to lunch. we have tried moving the day around for her but she thinks he is adorable (he is) and that we don't mind. we do. we want to talk. don't want to pat and burp and talk over a fussy tired baby. not saying yours is fussy or tired. but fact remains it is a baby and not what your friends signed on for. and if she chooses not to attend while you bring a baby that is her choice. Good for you for breastfeeding that is the best for a baby. But a baby born in April is plenty old enough to go for 4 or 5 hours without being breast fed. the "it hurts and baby doesn't like a bottle" thing is a cop out and you need to just fess up that you would prefer to bring her.

It's not because you're nursing, it's that she doesn't want the distraction of kids there. Why not pump and have your hubby take care of her for one night? Even if she won't take a bottle, you'd be surprised how well she would do w/o you. Nurse before you leave and she'll be fine. About your friend, be honest w/your feelings, confront her about it. OR just ignore the whole thing and go on as you'd like. You're adults.

In my opinion, if this mom has a problem than that's her problem and she can choose not to come anymore. You do what's right for you and that's that. We spend too much time thinking about other's and what they will think about x y or z, and it's a waste of energy. While it may be a mom's night out, right now you have a baby that needs you and you also deserve time with your friends. This sounds temporary as you said, you are not bringing a toddler!! if you like the group, keep going. This other woman can do something else with other people too if she wants just adult time.

Go to the candle party and act like nothing has happened. This woman isn't worth your time if she couldn't be upfront with you in the first place.

We go out as moms without our kids, but there is always an exception for nursing moms of little babies. But it does become a point when the baby becomes older and needs to stay home, which it sounds like your child is. I don't know if you are very discreet in nursing, or doing it in a way that makes people uncomfortable, with a baby making loud slurping sounds. It really depends, so maybe you can think about that as well.

But really, the baby will be able to get used to the bottle when you aren't around. It's nature for a baby to refuse a bottle when mom is near, it takes practice. If you nurse her right before you leave, your husband can attempt bottle feeding or some solids while you are gone. I would imagine a short dinner wouldn't be longer than 3 hours anyways, so why don't you try going without the baby. You can leave early if you want, but it would be good for you anyways to have alone mom time. That's ultimately what this group is about, the moms to have alone time with no kids at all.

She sounds like a "fair weather" friend. Be grateful she ISN'T coming and enjoy your true friends and your little, boobie-obsessed baby :)

And be grateful you are not me - I would have told her off and squirted all over her Prada bag :) LOL!!!

Sorry, as sweet as your baby is she is not invited to the dinner. I would suggest you just shorten the time away so you can be there when she gets hungry, feed her right before you leave then come home and feed her right away. She is 7 months old, she should be cutting down soon. You can have some free time for an hour or two.

Some alternatives might be to have the dinner at a location close to your home or invite them to your house to eat and make it more relaxed.

If I am at a get-together with my friends and it is adults only I would resent having to go to the effort of getting there, setting aside the time to focus on my friends, expecting a nice enjoyable dinner full of conversation and fun with my girl friends then have one of them show up with a baby. It's not fair.

If it's mom's/girls night out leave the baby at home. If that's not okay with you then stay at home until the baby is feeding further apart. We all make choices and this one is yours of course. But just because your friend wants adults only isn't a reason to be mad at her or confront her.

As for you being upset she doesn't like breastfeeding that's not the issue. It's an adult group and you should respect that.

I would still go, do not let this one woman push you away from your other friends! But I would not confront her at the party, you do not want to start something at a friends party. I might ask, at the next dinner club meeting, of the group as a whole if anyone has a problem with the baby coming for a few more months until you are done nursing. If it is only the one friend, than she can choose to no longer attend the group, but if it is a majority you may have to sit out a couple of months.

I think all you'll do is start drama. She is entitled to her opinion and can express it to anyone she wants even if it doesn't include you when it's about you. Don't ever give someone the power to make you feel uncomfortable. If you wanna go, GO. Everyone is grown adult. You can say Hi to her. I wouldn't confront her about it there either. Someone elses party is not the place to start the drama. I would let it go....and just slowly stop being close to her like you used to. I am way past the infant/nursing stage(which I think is wonderful)as my kids are in elementary, and when I go to something adult, I don't even want to talk or hear about someones kids much less see one at the table. IMHO. But yea....I would just let it go. Good luck.

Wow, I'm surprised by the big deal made about bringing a nursing infant to a dinner on a Mother's site. I love a good girls night out, but a nursing infant would not bother me one bit. If she's well behaved I just don't see how this changes the vibe and think that real friends are happy to spend time together period. If you plan on bringing her no matter what as long as she's nursing, then I wouldn't say anything to this "friend" and make her approach you about it. If all the other ladies decide that you bringing your nursing infant is a deal breaker for them too, then it will hurt, but you deserve better more understanding friends. Good luck!

she could at least have the nerve, to say this to you directly. Since she has the nerve to tell everyone else... and no one seems to be speaking up about it, to her.
Do ALL of the others agree with her???

She does have a right to her opinions... but still, she has no backbone to tell you this, herself.... and meanwhile she is excluding you... AND lying about it! GEEZ !
That is the problem.

Sure, it is a "girls" night gathering. Perhaps, for in the future, you should all draw up 'rules' about it.... so this does not happen again.

And, it is also up to you... to decide... if you want to be a part of a group, like this....

I have breastfed both babies and take them out to dinner with me on occasion but never to a ladies night out. I also have not spent a single night out without my daughter until just the other night when I went out with friends. It was a night out with the girls. I have left her with her dad for a few hours. I agree with the other moms about leaving the baby at home (it isn't about the breastfeeding). She isn't invited to the girls night out and I can see why the other mom or moms may be annoyed. She wants a night out with just the ladies. no babies. She is being unreasonable though, by talking behind your back. But you have to compromise. Maybe you can create another night out with the girls that don't mind having kids along. And come back to the girls night out dinner group when you you can leave baby at home. I have left my baby with my husband for up to 4 hours and she never took a bottle (only a sippy cup at 10 months old) and I still breastfeed at one year. You can probably leave her for a little while, maybe just a couple of hours, but if you feel you can't, maybe you shouldn't go to the dinner or just leave the group early so you can go home and nurse. Why don't you just talk to the mom who is uncomfortable about why she is uncomfortable, is it the breastfeeding thing or the baby coming to dinner?

I can see both sides on this one. I am pro nursing, even in public. But there are situations that are awkward to bring a baby. My baby had a minor medical problem and I ended up pumping every day for 10 months so the baby could get a little breast milk. If the pump hurts maybe you need a better pump or some tips on using it more effectively. (Hint: start on low suction for 1 or 2 minutes then increase the suction. It is much less painful that way). You will get less pumping than nursing but an occasional bottle of formula is not the end of the world. Giving the baby some food to hold her over can work too. Or arrange to just go for 2 hours. If you are at a local place you can always go home if you absolutely have to.

I can also see the need for some child free time. If you are bending the rules it's understandable that not everyone is happy with this. At 7 months she is almost at the age when she is mobile and not willing to sit quietly anymore (my son crawled at 8 months and walked at ten and my daughter was a little later but by a year neither would sit still very long). I would work toward getting you and the baby ready to be apart for a few hours (more solids, milk in a sippy or whatever works for you). Maybe having the 9 month night being without the baby as a goal.

As for confronting your friend, what do you think it would accomplish? I would not do it unless you expect to have a good chance of a positive outcome. Ask the host of the candle party how she feels about you and the baby coming and go by that. I would not say anything to the other "friend"unless she brings it up (your information was confidential and would put some one else in the middle).

this is a tough one--I don't a group of friends of mine would be that against a quiet baby attending especially if I was having that much trouble getting away for a few hours--There is no indication here about how the majority of the group feels about the issue. If my friends knew I was bowing out because of a nursing issue I think they would call me up and say hey come along, especially if this is one of the few social gatherings you have as a group. Alot of you have been unduly harsh with Mom of 3 girls--it is not easy breastfeeding with a child that has trouble being without the nummies and it is hard being a mom and not being sure how to let go alittle too!

Other side of it: If this child was under 4 months I'd say you should have the leeway to go with the baby. Since she is starting on solids and should probably be able to go 2-3 hours without nursing try to go out without her then. I understand why you are hurt--you expected more understanding from your friends.

You are probably tired of getting answers now, but to answer your specific question:
If the hostess of the candle party knows you are bringing the baby and is fine with it, then go. This is a separate issue from the dinner group, even if it's the same people.
If you wish to say something to her, I would do it separately from any event. The fact is that you and she disagree and are not likely to come to resolution. Neither of you is wrong; you have different preferences.
The other alternative is at the next dinner group meeting to bring it up in general. Ask the group if they would prefer that you should stop coming until you can leave the baby at home. Surely it can't be long now.
Personally, I also like to have time away and I nursed. I timed my outings so that it wasn't an issue to leave for 2 hours. But I would not mind if someone else made a different choice and wanted to bring an infant. Once they get mobile and are very distracting to the adult atmosphere, then I might ask my friend if she had time to get together without kids.

Yes I think you should talk to your friend. This is something that is driving a wedge between you two and I am all for an open discussion as long as you can accept what she has to say and understand where she is coming from too. I had the same thing with my second, he would not take a bottle for anything!!! However once he got going on solids he was much more open to it and now at ten months he is perfect, takes a bottle, no complaints. So I think the whole thing will be a very short term issue for you but it would be good to talk to your friend, and maybe even the group as a whole to find out if she is the only one who feels this way. If the group as a whole is bothered, I wouldn't go for a few months until my babe was used to a bottle, or I stopped nursing. Yes on one hand it is hurtful, but on the other, the dynamic of the group is what it is and I would try to respect that. I personally wouldn't mind at all, but then I am a nursing mama too:D

Let her go. She's not a friend. Even if this is a "no babies" night out, she can suck it up for a year if she values your friendship. She doesn't. As we get older, we need to cut some out to make room for better. You should most definitely go to the party! She doesn't control your life or the fun you have. Don't say anything, just be kind and be the bigger person. Acknowledge her and then move on. She'll get the picture eventually.

Sounds to ms like your friend is jealous. Maybe she has guilt issues about giving her kids formula? Who knows but she doesn't sound like a friend worth keeping.

A side note: At 7 months old, shouldn't the baby be able to go 4 hours without nursing? If not now, then very soon. Then it won't be an issue anymore.

I would be more irritated with the person who informed you what this woman said. Sounds like she stirred up trouble where there didn't need to be any.

Proverbs 19:11 says "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."

Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 states "Do not pay attention to every word people say,or you may hear your servant cursing you— for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others."

I would let it go.

Yes, since this is a small group of friends, you should be able to bring your baby and nurse her when you need. I've brought my nursing babies to a lot of events that were adult only. If she hasn't said anything to you personally, then let it be. since you're hearing this 3rd party, you never know exactly how she really feels. Talk to her or let it go and enjoy your ladies night out. If she does feel this way, she'll get over it soon enough. 1 year goes by really fast. =) good luck!

Well I can understand if people don't want kids around all the time and hence, start up a group where it's adults only. That isn't to say they don't like them, but perhaps some feel it's nice to have the break...
Both friends were in the wrong, the one who didn't tell you to your face and the one who went behind the other's back to tell you what the friend said...
If the group contends that no children are allowed, then so be it... it's not a crime to not want kids at every function. Granted, I enjoy kids (my own especially) However, I have friends who do not invite me to every function because they know I would prefer to be around my family.... no sweat off my back....
So either you go or you don't.. additionally, how about pumping enough milk for the evening that you do go out? wouldn't that work.. therefore, you don't have to take the baby with you.

I think confronting her is the adult thing to do. If she feels so strongly convicted about what is right, she should have no problem defending herself to you. Chances are though, she won't. She has a bone to pick with someone and you pulled the short straw. If she's the only one who has a problem, maybe she should be the one no longer joining the dinner group. But definaitely ask her to explain herself. A "friend" would have come directly to you in the first place, not tried to rearrange things behind your back. Shame on her.

I would confront her... ask her why she is so offended about you being such a great Mother. New Mothers should NEVER be made to feel excluded or isolated - since it actually harms the Mother's psyche. I think the group would be just fine without such an intolerant and uncompassionate person.

I would go if you want to go to the candle party.
If you see her, why not just tell her what you've heard and ask if she is offended by the fact that you bring your child to the dinner group. Pretty simple. Just be straightforward.