Friends Baby Is Getting Us Sick

Kids get sick all the time, it may have come from the friends child, or from a stop at the food store on they way home. If the child does have allergies, and she feels you are attacking her or accusing her of lying to you about it, she may decide not to spend time with you anymore. Is it worth risking the friendship to say you feel she lied about the allergies?

Yes, you should mention that you son picked up a cold. The next time she wants to get together, ask if her son has any illness symptoms , and if she says "allergies" tell her you'd rather not chance it.

I am with J L and Lola on this one. I own a preschool and have parents sending their little ones to school sick all of the time. It makes me so angry. I know they have to work, but so do the other 75 parents who's children attend my center. I think it is selfish and irresponsible. I have seen parents take their kids to the store with chicken pox because they have cabin fever!!!! I never took my kids out when they were sick. It was chicken soup, pajamas, good videos, and veg out on the couch. The problem is in my opinion no one wants to sacrifice anymore. No it is not fun to stay home with sick kids but it is your job to protect them, and your responsibility to not infect every one else. I would just say next time she calls that your son's resistance has been very low so if their child has a runny nose you would prefer to pass so he can stay healthy. It is a tough call because you do not want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time if she is that foolish to bring her sick child around other children then so be it. Runny noses and coughs are contagious no matter what the source is. I know like everyone else said exposing him will help him build his immunity for school later on, but he shouldn't have to get sick from a voluntary play date. If and when he needs to go to school illness does come with the territory.

I haven't read all the responses, but I can see you have a variety. I just want to add, for all those who say "there's nothing you can or should do," that it frustrates me when moms aren't considerate of other families because THEIR comfort level with illness is high. For many people, getting sick is a way bigger deal than for the average person! Many mom's of young children are also pregnant, which puts them at higher risk for getting illnesses worse, and makes for a miserable pregnancy regardless. Some have other health concerns or compromised immune systems. When my daughter was a baby my husband had cancer, and I HAD to be very careful about what viruses we brought into our home, because his life literally depended on it. Just last week I spent 3 days in the hospital because someone had carelessly brought their kid to my daughter's nursery too soon after the stomach flu and I got it (I have a high-risk twin pregnancy, and the flu put me into pre-term labor). People who assume that getting sick is merely an "inconvenience" for everyone else are not considering that there are MANY people for whom a simple illness can be very threatening for various reasons. In my view, people should be more considerate in public for the sake of the more fragile, and should check in with moms they trade around with (I know many are fine with minor illnesses).

Since you only have one child, you CAN save yourself a lot of hassle by avoiding minor illnesses. And you should if you want to. I'm not a believer that a child who avoids a cold or virus here and there is somehow going to have a compromised immune system later. They're going to get plenty of things, whether you like it or not.

This is tough, because it's a friend you don't want to hurt. I think it's totally normal and common though to ask (even every time) whether anyone is sick at all. Moms have different thresholds for what's ok with them, and just say what yours is. You can be lighthearted about it, even apologetic about how "picky" you are, and joke about how since you only have one you have a chance of avoiding things if you're a little neurotic about it (whereas moms who have several kids or use daycare have really no chance).

Protecting you child from germs will have the oppostie effect you want in the long run. As soon as he's out of your house on a daily basis at preschool, sports or other group activities she will be exposed to all kinds of germs. If you try to protect him now he'll just have a weaker immune system later. Of course if a kid is really sick with the flu everyone should stay away.

I would like to point out a couple things...from the time you catch the germs that cause the common cold to the time you actually show symptoms is about 3 days. So if your son is sick the day after a playdate, think of where you were 3 days ago, not yesterday =) also, during that 3 day incubation period, you will show no symptoms of being sick but can pass the virus on to others. Therefore, you cannot always keep your kids away from germs, because they can get sick from a kid who shows no signs of being sick yet! Also, the average kid gets sick 10x per year...that's almost once a month! So whether you go to playdates or not, he will get sick from the store, a restaurant, drs office, etc. Its normal, and healthy. Without that exposure to germs, he would have no immunity, then when he starts school and is exposed to germs every day, the symptoms will be more severe and last longer. If you are still worried about germs, just only meet for playdates at a park. (Although he can pick up germs there too!)

Kids build their immune systems quite a bit in the toddler years, and they get colds at least six or more times per year. It's never a treat to have a kid with an illness, but unfortunately, that's what has to happen while they create all those healthy antibodies. I suggest you preserve your friendship so you have someone to deal with all the upcoming parenting issues with. If you feel better about separating your child from her child then that's what you'll have to do. Good luck and hang in there, your son will be moving on to college before you know it!

Updated

Kids build their immune systems quite a bit in the toddler years, and they get colds at least six or more times per year. It's never a treat to have a kid with an illness, but unfortunately, that's what has to happen while they create all those healthy antibodies. I suggest you preserve your friendship so you have someone to deal with all the upcoming parenting issues with. If you feel better about separating your child from her child then that's what you'll have to do. Good luck and hang in there, your son will be moving on to college before you know it!

Well during the winter it is always a hard call. For my friends and I, we always make plans for "if everyone is well" because each of us have twins who go to preschool and it is rare that everyone is ok. We will usually get together with the typical runny nose, but not coughs, fevers, or stomach problems. It is also sometimes a judgement call for your friend and she may not always be right. My son for instance has had a runny nose ALL winter this year. We have been to the DR and they have said that he probably has allergies, but not bad enough to treat. But sometimes its not the clear runniness and its hard to tell whether its turned into a cold or not. I try to keep his nose wiped and his hands washed just to be sure. However, they are kids and they are walking germ machines. I can't tell you how many times one of us comes down with a sick kid the day after playing - that kid would have already been contageous so we all wait and see. Being sick is certainly no fun, but it happens and social development for your child is also important. Next time I'd say, "I've heard that there are some nasty colds going around so please don't be afraid to cancel if you think you are coming down with something".

I agree with the poster below. Ask her how the baby is feeling the day of your next playdate. If she says she doesn't feel well, tell her you need to reschedule. If she says she is fine but you show up and the little girl is sick, I would leave. Tactfully, but I would leave. You could even make something up saying your son's immune system is run down right now. My son gets sick every time my sister's son comes to visit. But they live out of town, so I can't avoid visiting. But I hate that even though I am enjoying their visit, I am just waiting for the cold to kick in. I try to remind myself that it is a good thing for them to be exposed to regular cold germs, their bodies need to build up resistance and immunities. At least this is what I have been told. I'm not sure I am convinced when he is up all night because he can't breathe. :) But I tell myself that.

I am really surprised at how many responses call other people selfish for letting their kids go to school when they are mildly sick. In this economy, just about everyone I know could be a paycheck away from homelessness. In a perfect world I would be able to stay at home for every single minute, but in reality I have to work 3 jobs to support my family. I stay home with my child when it is severe, stomach flu etc...but for minor colds(runny nose) I cannot afford to miss any work. I would end up homeless if I stayed home every time she had a sniffle! Please have some compassion for those that are merely trying to survive in this economy, rather than have such anger and call them selfish.

It is really difficult for children not to get each other sick during the winter months, especially little ones with out older siblings to introduce germs into the house. Given that your friend seems to lack the internal filter to keep her daughter away from others when she is sick ( and all moms have variable comfort levels with runny noses and coughs) I would just ask her next time she calls to get together " Is you daughter well?" If she answers yes, and then her daughter really IS sick, then you will know to keep your distance in the future, especially during the cold and flu season. There is not need to make a big issue if she is an emotional person. Just be matter of fact about it.

I can understand both sides of this situation. My son picks up everything from daycare...last winter from 8 months old-17 months, he was literally sick every week. He'd get sick, get well enough to go back to daycare, and get sick again. This winter he has been sick a lot, but it's been much much better than last year. Anyway, when your child is sick nonstop, it's very hard because it's not like you can just stay home for half a year. It sucks big time being confined to the house and you long to get out and see anyone you can! Even just to get a "break" from the house. Maybe she is going through that and desperately wants to get out and see people.
On the other hand, I totally agree with you that even if her daughter has a mild cough and runny nose, she shouldn't be exposing any other children to it. I wish that all moms would take care to prevent spreading these things around- if they did, maybe my son wouldn't have been sick so often, too!!! So I do think you should say something to her just to reiterate how important it is to you, and stick to it. Tell her the truth about how your son gets sick each time, and what you have to go through [keeping him home from daycare, doctor's appointments, copays and prescription costs, less sleep, not to mention just being miserable from being sick].
If you do decide to visit, expect that he will get sick. Hopefully, since her daughter is 16 months now and should be developing a great immune system[!], this summer and next winter wont be so bad

I am convinced to this day, that the first time my son became sick was when I brought him to his first checkup at the doctor, yes the doctors office in my mind made him sick. At any rate, do you go to the store ever? Church, outside, bank? My point is we are all exposed to germs all over the place and although yes, he/you might have caught the germs from ms. runnynose, you also have been exposed to germs from anyone, anything within a couple of feet, yards of you and your baby.So if you enjoy the playdates, and like the woman, pop a couple of extra vitamin c for yourself and enjoy it. Friends are very important. You could try locking yourself in the house for a couple of months only to find that you still get sick. So just stock up on the Kleenex and smile.

I think I might be in the minority here (I usually am on this topic) but I think kids are meant to get sick. A common cold is annoying and makes everyone a little cranky, but it builds the immune system and is just a part of life. If you have the luxury of being a stay-at-home parent your kids might get through the early years with relatively few illnesses, but if you have to send your child to day care he or she will spend approximately the first year with practically back-to-back colds. This happened with my daughter. I was lucky enough to stay home with my son, but he still got sick a lot (probably from germs my daughter brought home from kindergarten) and we're all fine. When I was a kid we never went to the doctor and my siblings and I are some of the healthiest people we know. When my friends had sick kids, I felt that the human companionship was worth the risk of getting a cold... (stomach flu was another story) And if I have the sick one, I usually warn my friends and give them the chance to opt out. Most of the time, their child has a cold already or, like me, they would rather have something to do with friends and risk getting another common cold.

I used to watch another Boy when my son was his same age... about 6 months - almost 3 yrs old. this other boy seemed to have a somewhat green runny nose all the time. It was very frustrating.
So I then (after a few months of watching him) laid out some ground rules. No fever withing 24 hours,. no diarrea within 24 hours and if the mucus was thick & green instead of clear. The gal worked .. so I was her caregiver,. but also I follow this rules when it comes to bringing my kids somewhere.

I washed hands a lot... wiped up toys a lot and things I knew my kids 'handled' a lot.. I just put away.. you know the items your child loves to hold..suck on.. play with.. etc... I kept them personnal.

Like another poster mentioned... her tolerance of 'how' sick her child/now children is much higher than mine.. we just worked it thru and unfortunately I don't see her as much when one of us has sick kids...

best of luck.
-marg

You have gotten some good responses as well as some "passionate" ones. Let me share an experience of a "seasoned" mom. Yes it is frustrating when your schedule is disrupted because your child is sick. But it is a fact of life and a sacrifice we must make as parents. My heart would ache to watch my child suffer. When my children were little they would constantly catch viruses from daycare and preschool. It was so frustrating at the time because I didn't like to have sick kids and I also worked part-time. My kids are now 22, 19, and 12. They hardly ever get sick now and are very healthy, strong people. My daughter-in-law is another case. She is always sick with something. Her mom was so fanatical about protecting them from germs and now my DIL is suffering. My son always seems to be able to fight off whatever his wife catches. As a parent you decide, but know it will affect their future. What do you want for your child when she is school age or an adult? If it isn't life threatening let her body do its thing.

My daughter had a runny nose and cough for about two years straight. I think part of the time she did have a cold but honestly most of the time it was allergies. Now she hardly gets sick. My son who is four and in preschool is getting sick a lot and she won't even get it from him.

Who cares about a runny nose cold. You want your child to be getting sick now to build up his system. Once you get to the elementary school years you are told that unless they have a fever, throw up they need to go to school. You don't stay home for a simple cold. That said I would remind your friend to try and keep her daughter home if she is really sick.

There are tons of responses on this. I totally feel your frusteration on this topic. My youngest is 2 1/2 and I have watched a friends 3 boys from the time she was about 9 months old. Her kids are ALWAYS sick so it seems my daughter is also. On the bright side my 9 yr old hardly ever gets sick from them. All I suggest is when your son is playing with your friends child, try to prevent him from putting things in his mouth that isnt his or the other child has touched. I was able to cut down the amount of illnesses my daughter got by doing this. Wash his hands and toys after the visit. Kids do get sick and it is a part of life, all we can do is try to keep them happy and healthy. I understand your concerns especially with some very dangerous viruses out there.

This is soooo simple. Help your son to wash his hands not once but twice after being around her and her germy toys. This alleviates MOST transmission of "allergies" Three days is exactly the incubation time of most viruses. I used to take my grandson to McDonalds to play and every time he would be sick three days later. Duh, it took a few times to catch on but ever since I had him wash his hands twice, not just before eating, but before leaving the huge germ infested petri dish, he can play all day with snot nosed, coughing all over kids and still walk away healthy as a horse. Also, he is not allowed to touch his face while at play. Really handwashing for 20 seconds each time is the best deterrant for viruses.

Good luck, and maybe you can delicately pass along the success to your emotional friend:-)

T. Nelson CD

Hi V.,

I think at times it's hard to tell when little kids are truly sick or when they have allergies, so maybe she didn't realize that her daughter had a cold. That's really frustrating though for you... I would not really bring up the latest illness where she may feel defensive that her daughter got your son sick. The next playdate I would ask how her daughter is feeling. If she says she has any symptoms or if she shows up for the playdate and has any that weren't mentioned, simply tell her that as much as you'd love to see her and visit, your son has been ill with one cold after another and you just don't want to risk him getting sick again and you'll reschedule as soon as everyone is well. I think any reasonable parent would understand this, Sick kids are no fun... why take the risk?

Good luck!

I had my kids in a playgroup since they were babies and every week we would have something new (sickness). It is awful to see your little one sick, but with love and care they get over most things quickly. My kids are now 7 and 9 and they have breezed through elementary school- often times flu bugs have passed them by. I think this is because they built up such good immunity when they were little and were exposed to so much. Just a thought.

I would not say anything to her. Think about it this way....if you expose your son to things like colds now, his immunity will be built up more to help fight off colds when he gets to preschool and kindergarten. My sister's kids were in daycare when they were young like that, and between the two of us, we have 4 kids all within 2 years of each other. So, when her kids were sick, mine would get sick. Sure, it was sometimes inconvenient, but kids are going to be exposed to germs no matter where you are and who you're around. Stores, playgrounds, just about anywhere is going to expose your kids to germs. You can't go around at play areas and make sure noone's sick before your kid touches the handrails, so why make it a big deal when you're hanging out with a friend's child who happens to have a cold? Trust me, you're going to be so grateful down the road that you and your friend have a common ground in which to seek advice from each other. Don't blow it by making her feel guilty or embarrassed about her child's germs making your child sick. I understand you don't want your son sick, no mother wants their child to not feel good, but kids get sick, so just let it go. If you worked, and your child were in daycare, he would get exposed to germs literally every day, so don't sweat this one.

your child is young and I know the first couple of childhood illnesses are rough.. but kids have to collect all of these germs... your child is building an imune system.
if your baby doesnt catch these bugs now.. he will get them late.. preschool or kindergarten.. whenever he is around other kids..

my kids are 2 and 4 and in day care 3 days a week. they have had colds all winter.. sick from october through march. but they were just colds and no dr visits were needed.. and we did not catch the dreaded stomach flu. if i kept my kids home when they had colds they would never go to school.. and i figure these are all colds we wont have to get again.

I haven't read all of the responses, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have 2 kids that we have this with. One is a neighbor, and they are always calling for playdates. Sometimes on the same day as them staying home sick from school. If I know the kid has been sick, I ask straight out. Is he better? When was his last fever? Once the mom said its been a day, but then again, I have checked in the last 12 hours. Could you check? She checked, and his fever had come back! Sorry, can't come over!!

The other one is family. I swear each time he's around my kids get something. So for him I play it by ear. His parents don't seem concerned with spreading germs, so I have to take my kids' health on myself. I have even gone as far as to leave a family party because he showed up even after the parents had told us he was really sick.

My advice to you is to be open and honest with her. The next time she calls to have a play date, just ask her. Tell her that your son just got over something and so if the daughter has something you'd rather not get together since your son is still on the mend.

M.

Let your kid get sick (minor sick that is). It will build his immune system and he won't have as rough time come pre-school/kindergarten. Can't keep him bug free forever.

I see both sides of it. It's definitely no fun when our kids get sick. But, for me, the main reason it's no fun is because we don't get to play with our friends. So for our friends to preemptively cancel play dates just so they don't get us sick is almost the same thing as us being sick anyway.

I personally never care if other children have a cough or runny nose. Obviously, I would want them to stay home if there were a fever, throwing up, or diarrhea. Otherwise, I just try to minimize any contact with toys that may have any spit or mucus on them, and I make sure that my kid doesn't share food with a sick child. And definitely wash hands more frequently. I know it's harder when they're really young. But they can pick up colds from anywhere. I figure the more they're exposed to germs now, the stronger their immune systems will be later in life.

That being said, it is polite for a parent to warn another parent if her child has any symptoms so that they can decide together whether to cancel the play date or to move it to an outdoor venue where the risk of contagion is less likely.

Personally I don't think you should stop the playdates you can't and shouldn't keep your son wrapped up in cotton wool he will build up his own resistance to the germs and in the winter most babies and toddlers have runny noses and a coughs I have three sons and each have been different the oldest didn't pick up bugs the middle one did and the youngest doesn't seem to and I take him to mix with my firends kids even if they have a cold or tummy upset and I definately don't think you should say anything. I hop you don't take offence at this but I think you are over reacting then he goes to daycare and kindergarten he is going to be in amongst all sorts of germs.
Just relax and let him enjoy hiself

Probably wait until summer when just the warmth helps everyone and venture outside with them. No more indoor until the kids are older and more resistant. Still call or facebook.

Take your son to a homeopath. All children who have been excessively vaccinated for every possible disease have compromised immune systems.
My first child got vaccinations and I nearly lost her to a measles vaccination.
At age four I ignored the doctor about yet another course of anti-biotics and she built herself an immune system.
With my second child no vaccinations and she was by far totally healthy even in daycare.
Whatever the other children have if yours are healthy they will catch nothing from them.

Every child has a runny nose or cough at some point, every where you go. My personal theory is that if the other child has a fever, vomited or had diarreha in the past 48 hours, steer clear. I think it is totally appropriate to add the clause "if everyone is well" to your babysitting days or playdates. You do have to look after your child. But do you say something??? I would say no. But since it seems to be a common issue, you can always decline an invite if the "allergies" are acting up. Or if the kids are at your house, do your best to keep them from putting things in their mouths, sanitize the toys after the play date and wash hands(or hand gel) often.
I was able to keep my daughter illness free until she was over the age of one, but after that, it has become almost impossible. She is exposed to more and more things....