Friendship Issues

I am going through this right now with my daughter, (5yrs). Her close friend told her she no longer wanted to sit by her or to play with her. At first I thought like a lot of moms that have made comments on here. But then I found out that because she had always played with my daughter, the other girl was never able to get to know other children in her class. The other girl was not trying to be mean, just didn't know how to tell my daughter in a kind way, that she wanted to play with other children too. I have tried to get my daughter to understand that just because you are friends does not mean you have to play with that same person everyday. It is good to have more then one friend and sometimes people just need a break from someone, her friend doesn't dislike her and they are still friends. In reverse I do not want my daughter to feel that she has to play with the same friend every day in order to make them happy.

Single mother of 2 girls, 5yrs and 17 months

Hi S. - I am currently experiencing this with my 7 year old, first grade daughter as well. Having older children (a 24 yr old and two high schoolers) I can honestly tell you that this issue will continue for quite sometime - especially with girls. I don't know what it is about the female gender, but we can be extremely hurtful at times. My older daughter is quite a bit tougher than our youngest which I attribute to having two older brothers so this didn't seem to happen as often, or as early as it is with our first grader now. I continuously instill in my daughter that she should continue to be kind and tell her friend that what she is saying is not very nice and that it hurts her feelings. I remind my daughter that we should always treat people the same way we would like them to treat us and that if we can't say something nice then we shouldn't say anything at all. My daughter has also used these lines in a nice way with her peers. We also encourage her to find others to play with and to never leave anyone out. My daughter has already been exposed to the word "POPULAR" by some of the girls her age which to me is very unfortunate. I don't know if I have helped at all, but as a parent, it is best to handle this in the most positive manner that you can. As parents, we want to protect our children, but I truly believe we do not do them any favors by saying negative things about others or by believing that our children will never do or say anything wrong. They are human beings and will make mistakes and the most important thing is that they learn from them.

This kind of behavior is normal for preschoolers (girls especially!), but it is still sad and not very nice. Maybe you could try to set up some play dates with other kids from the class so your daughter can make some new friends without having to be attached to only the one girl. Have you said anything to the teacher? Not to tattle, but just so she is aware and can maybe help find some other children your daughter might be interested in playing with. As far as talking to your daughter, i would explain that some people want to have many friends which is okay, but they just have a hard time figuring out how to play with more than one friend at a time so sometimes they act unfriendly. Remind her how to be a good friend even if someone isn't so friendly back. In another year or so they will figure out how to have multiple "best friends" without it being a problem.

This happens alot especially to girls in preschool. Try telling your daughter to find someone else to play with on those days, If the other child see's your child playing with someone else she may quit this behavior. Also talk to your child's teacher about this situation and see what she has to say.

Hello S.,
I have two daughters. And unfortunately this is very common especially among girls. What I did was have my oldest one take some of her toys from home (if your school allows this), and play with her toys when the girls were mean. But my younger daughter was not able to do this, so my suggestion to her was to just take a step back at recess and stop and look around the playground. (She's a second grader) And look at the kids, and look for someone that looks sad or alone and then to approach them and make a new friend. She did this and she made a new friend! I told her that it is never hopeless and that she should always look at the positive side. Someone might not want to play that day, but there is always something fun to do at school!

Unfortuantely this is very normal. I work in a Preschool and see this every day. The girls are worse than the boys. I wish I could tell you this is something that the girls will outgrow but girls do this in high school. You can only use this as a teaching tool for your own daughter so she doesn't do it to anyone else. Someone did post about setting up play dates which is an awesome idea.

You will find out that this will be the case all threw her school years. I don't know what it is but little girls are very mean!!!! I would encourage your daughter to start making some more friends that way she does not have to count on this girl every day. Not every girl is mean, but its about 1/2 of them. She should just make a few more friends and then if that other girl wants to play, she can, and when she doesn't, then its the other girl's lost!! good luck.

I have the same issues with one of my daughter's friends. Only she is in third grade. My daughter gets very sad because of the constant state of confusion. I have encouraged her to seek out new friends, they have the rest of their lives to figure out how to be good friends. If they start accepting the kind of friendship this other little girl is offering than I think they are setting themselves up to be treated badly later.Good Luck, my daughter has found that there are a lot of other kids on the playground that don't play games with her head.

Oh, S., your daughter is not alone. This has happened to both of my children (one a boy and one a girl). My son was actually the one saying the hurtful things in kindergarten and I was floored as to why. We don't talk like that in our house and I couldn't believe he could be so hurtful to his little friend. It turned out that it was just to one friend in particular and when I spoke to their teacher about it, she told me this was going on all over her classroom -- as if the kids were trying to "one-up" each other with threats. We had numerous talks with our son about how words hurt just as much as hands but in the end it was the boys who worked it out with each other on their own. Kids have to try things out on each other and most of the time the behavior isn't what we want them to share with others. But every child must have frustrations just like us and this can be a great opportunity for you to talk with your daughter about her feelings. Love her and encourage her to stand up for herself. Tell her to let her friend know that the things she says hurt and then walk away. Odds are the friend will adjust her attitude when she knows it's unacceptable behavior. I always tell our children that you aren't going to like everyone you meet or be friends with everyone you meet, but you have to respect everyone that you meet. Kindness is lacking in our world today and if she sees your kindness to others it will reinforce her belief in mankind -- no matter how young she is.

I would encourage your daughter to find other friends and never leave any of them out. As it was said earlier, this happens a lot. Good thing she is able to tell you about it. When my daughter was young and she came to me saying that one of her friends told her if she invited this other friend to her birthday party, the first one wouldn't come. I told her to tell the first friend that she is inviting both to the party, and if she decides not to come because of it, she will be missed. They both came and all had a great time. I would let your little girl know that the behavior of her friend isn't nice and that she could find friends who value her friendship. Then start some play dates up with different girls in the class. Your daughter will learn that her friendship is valuable and needs to be respected.

My daughter had a friend in preschool who she adored and now that he's in (a different) Kindergarten he is a real brute. He did not make her feel welcome the last time she played at his house and teased her a lot, making her feel small. I told her that sometimes people do not see what a treasure they have in being our friend and can be mean. I asked her to tell me about her feelings and about what they did together that day. Then I asked her if SHE had fun at his house. She said no. I shared with her that I had a friend who was mean to me as a child and how she hurt my feelings over and over again and how that was wrong. I talked a little about my friendships now and asked her if any of my friends are mean to me. She said no. We talked about friends being people we choose to love and who love us in return. She could understand it in the context of my friendships better than her own, I think. In any case, she felt a bit sad but gave me a big hug and has not asked about him again. It seemed that giving her permission to let him go was very helpful, as well as listening to her sadness without trying to make it all better. Sometimes children just need to be heard and feel sad but for that age, I think they need a lot of guidance. In our home we feel it is really important to teach our children that they can always make a choice in such situations- and that doing so does not make them a bad friend.

S.,

We have gone through this with our older two in school. I just tell them that sometimes kids say things in the heat of the moment of playing and they don't mean it. An example I use is them playing with each other. There are days they don't want to play wiht their brother or sister, and that's fine. Everyone needs space and also needs to find out who they are as a person. I turned the tables on them the last time and asked if they had ever said that to someone. It has seemed to help.

HI~

My daughter had the same problem. What I would suggest is that when it happens again, ask her who she played with that day, and see if you can set up a playdate with that other girl/boy. Your girl needs to know that if her friend does that, she can go to someone else to play with. What I also did was ask my girl how it felt, and when she told me it hurt her feelings, I asked her if that is what she wanted others to feel, she said no. I used that situation so that she can also understand how other kids would feel if she did the same thing. It was a learning experience for her and she had to know that there are others she can play with. It was very hard, broke my heart, but I tried to make the best out of it and it worked good. Now, if someone does that to her, she says thats OK, I will play with ____.

Also there was one boy last year that was mean to her. He would say "I don't like you". (She was new at the school last year) It hurt her. So I had her tell him the next time he said that, "That's OK, that is not my problem" , smile, and walk away. He stopped doing that after she told him this. I told my girl if someone does not like her for no reason, not to make it her problem, as its their problem. There are others she can play and talk with. I may sound mean, but it worked wonders for her, and made her a stronger person. Now she just loves all her friends and enjoys school more.

I hope this helps. Good Luck~

Hi S.!!

Interesting to read your problem, I just went through the same thing 2weeks ago. My daughter Kira and her friend were playing the the same type of conversations came up. I told Kira to just say "If you don't feel like playing/being my friend today, thats okay I'll just go make a new friend" that seemed to work for her. Kids will do this kind of thing for YEARS so a positive repsonse and just letting your daughter know she will always have lots of people to play with and hey there is ALWAYS mommy too! Hope this helps. If you would ever like to talk feel free to call me!
T. YOunt ###-###-####
Take care

My guess is that the friend is going through a stage. Unfortunately, you and your daughter have to deal with it! UGH! If you can avoid playdates with her... do it? But if she's at your pre-school, maybe the teacher can redirect some of her behavior. If she's on your turf and says things like that to your girl I would say something like: If you don't want to come to our house [notice it's not about your daughter, take the pressure of her] again, that is your choice. I will call your mom to come pick you up now.

Tell you daughter that the other girl is learning how to be a good friend right now and that is why she is saying _______ to you. Suggest to her that she set the example: We have to try to be a good friend to ________.
Deb.

hi S.,
i know this can be hard and i feel for you and your daughter. BUT, this is normal social behavior for children your daughter's age. my children have went through this (boys) and it is heart breaking. i just reminded my boys that "josh and you like to play football, maybe play football at recess?" or "you haven't played with billy for awhile, he probally misses playing with you"
as far as her being sad about not playing with her "best friend" just remind her that she has other friends and that her bf will play with her some other time. also, tell her how a good friend should treat their friends and she will see that her friend is not being a friend.
good luck, and give her lots of hugs,
michelli

Preschool girls are amazingly social and savvy. Tell her that people only say mean things to other people because they are feeling badly about themselves. Help her to imagine that this friend is suffering for some reason that you can't see: Her mom is having a new baby, her dad is on a business trip, her dog died... maybe your daughter even knows what the problem is and doesn't realize it.

Let her know that her job is to accept her friend the way she is an to have compassion for whatever it is that is making her say hurtful things. This won't stop the girl's behavior, but it will give your daughter the opportunity to see others as more than what comes out of their mouths.

When kids hurt other kids because they are feeling badly, it is just because they don't know how to say, "Please like me even though I am feeling bad." Your daughter's new perspective will secure her friendship with this girl OR encourage her to find another friend. Either way, she will have made or ended a friendship through compassion and empathy - a tool she will use for the rest of her life.

I would just sit hre down and explain to her what a good friens is and tell her that not everyone knows how to be a good friend, and let her know it is ok to have many friends. Maybe if she was occupied with other kids the treatment wouldnt bother her so much. Kids can be so mean. It is very hard to teach your child to be the bigger person especially at her age.

I had a friend like that when I was younger. If she didn't get what she wanted, she would say "Do you want me to go home?" and threaten me all the time. I would always cave and give her what she wanted cause I didn't have very many people to play with where I lived. My parents saw it and would say something to me about it, but I never really listened to them. Over time, I got different friends and moved on. I don't really know what advice to tell you about the situation except encourage her to meet new friends. And maybe things will straighten out on their own.

My daughter is in 1st grade and deals with this on a daily basis and it broke my heart for awhile and upset me as well. So I said then don't play with her, real friends don't do that and I don't want to hear about it anymore. I have decided my daughter is going to have learn one way or another by herself on her own that she can't let people treat her like that. Wait til she starts the "Your not coming to my birthday party" junk if that hasn't started yet. They use that threat alot too and most of the time their birthdays are months away. Kids are mean especially girls.

Most kids go through this, unfortunately at a young age. We always try to encourage our children to forgive, to be kind in the face of favoritism and not to retaliate. Kids are very fickle, and when it shows in our own we address it. When it shows up in others, we try not to villify that child, because eventually the same will happen to them, and then they will understand what if feels like to be left out or teased. We also encourage our children to pray for those friends who let them down. It goes a long way to developing empathy. Cultivate kindness in your child's response to adversity and they will be better for it.

SAHM of seven

S.,

Unfortunately some kids are very cruel. I would talk to your daughter about the other friends she has in school. If she says she doesn't have any, help her to work on finding more friends. Also, encourage her and tell her what a good friend this other girl is missing out on.

Good luck,

L. :)

Hi S.,

Aren't girls in general like that all the time. The first time my daughter experienced that with her friends I was upset, (you just want to go over to that mom's house and tell her to get that girl and apologize and tell her to be nice LOL) but we can't. Ha!
I remember going through those times when I was little. It wasn't any fun! My mom always told me that I was loved and that it would be better in the morning. She would say that I was special, then she would do something crazy to make me smile and laugh and I would be okay. I think it build character in our adult life.
Our daughter faces those challenges on a weekly basis. One minute she has friends, the next she doesn't. She'll be 18 next month! I learned a long time ago to just love her and make her smile when she goes through those tough times. She always knows that I am there to listen to her and love her to pieces. But let your daughter know that you are there for her to talk to. That is so important. She'll appreciate that later in life and so will you.

Just keep loving her and keep letting her know that she's loved!

J.

It must be pretty common. I went through it a little bit wtih my daughter, but she had an interesting attitude and said that if someone isn't nice, she doesn't want to play with them until they "turn nice again." Sometimes, kids just need breaks from each other. One child on my block plays beautifully with my daughter in the winter and in the summer always chooses the other child across the street as the first choice for a playmate.(3 does not work as well, anyway with this crew!) Once we got used to the patterns and choices, it was easier for my daughter to understand that she too has choices everyday. When things got especially lonely or difficult, we always made a weekend plan to do something with her as a family - such as we all went to a movie she chose or we went to her favorite pizza place. The important thing in my opinion is that your daughter understands that she is still wonderful and how she reacts and makes a Plan B is more important than who she plays with. Also, I used to hear stories about problems on the playground, but then when I learned to ask about "What happened at lunch?", the mean friends were her best friends just an hour later. Maybe your daughter has other places where she encounters this child such as the bus or the library or an after-school program where there might be less pressure. Remember we don't get the whole stories anymore and our daughters tell us stuff to see how we react and if we get upset, then that is the model that they'll learn. Good luck.