Daughter Best Friend in Snubbing her..and Ideas??

Wow Mary L. what a fabulous answer!!!

I had a friend in grade school that was only able to be friends with one person at a time. We had a group of about 4 of us and she just switched every once in a while, it was a little odd but we all knew that was how Vici was.

M

The girl's mom can't do anything about this. You might talk to your daughter.

"Susan, it's too bad Marie is acting this way. I know people who are like that, too. She doesn't realize how much she is hurting you. She doesn't understand. You see, for a long time Marie has been your buddy, and what you may not realize is that she didn't pay much attention to other nice kids. Now she has a couple of other friends and doesn't have time for you. It hurts, but it is nothing YOU did. You just know something about Marie now that you didn't know before.

"Do you know about Mr. Toad in "The Wind in the Willows"? You can read the whole book when you're older, but Toad is a very nice, friendly fellow who simply can't be interested in more than one thing at a time. When he likes boats, he's crazy about boats - thinks about boats, talks about boats, and doesn't like anything else. When he likes cars, he won't have anything to do with boats.

"Marie is being a little bit like that.

"Would you let Marie go away and do her own thing for a while? I'm very glad YOU can be friends with many people at the same time. This is your chance, if you'll take it, to know those other kids better, and they may need a friend like you. If you'd like to invite some of them over, I'll be glad to call their moms. This might turn out to be something good, no matter how sad it seems right now."

For what ever reason this friend is finished with the friendship for now.
It's hard on your daughter but she's going to have to let this friend go.
She will find other friends.
There's no controlling other people.
Saying something to her Mom won't change anything.

I had a friend sort of like this.
When we moved and I started school I became good friends with this girl.
Everything was great - we did everything together!
And then next year another girl moved in and suddenly I was yesterdays news.
My friend ignored me for the new girl.
It seems my friend sort of was like a welcome wagon - she always dumped old friends in favor of who ever was new.
I was still friendly with her on and off but I kind of lost respect for her.

Do not talk to the other Mom. This is all part of growing up. Just encourage her to make other friends.

Two excellent books:

"Little Girls Can Be Mean."

and,

"Queen Bees and Wannabes."

Both are helpful in teaching you and your daughter how to navigate these situations.

I can't stand the "BFF" or having only one or two friends at this age. It really is an insecurity issue when a girl must have someone right there beside her at all times to the exclusion of everyone else. They look for the other girls who will fill that need for them so they never have to feel alone.

Your daughter is old enough to start thinking about what she expects from friends and how she'd like to be treated by them. It does hurt when these things happen but sometimes we see the true character of a person and really that's for the best. When the cliquey ones grow up they get a lot meaner and you want her to be able to feel strong in who she chooses to spend time with.

Having her DO something at recess is a great help too. Play four square or tether ball, look for kids who are involved in something more than attaching to one other kid. At about that age my little one would say "When all that drama starts I just go play soccer with the boys".

I love Mary L.'s wise, non-judgmental answer. Use that with your child. (It's even a good reason to distract her afterward by reading her The Wind in the Willows.)

Don't speak to the mom. That will upset her for no reason. She already knows her daughter does this and I'm sure (especially since mom is aware of it) that the mom feels badly when her kid does this. But it is indeed normal kid behavior. These girls are seven, still young enough to do the whole "I can only have one friend at a time" thing that is so very common in preschoolers and kids into K and even first grade. It's a maturity thing and needs time to fix it. You can best help by equipping your daughter as Mary L. suggests, and then by not over-talking it or checking too often with your daughter about "Did you talk to Friend today? Has she been nicer?" If you do that, it will signal to your child that there's something to be worried about; you don't want that but want her to carry on with other friends (while not being cold or mean to the friend who's ignoring her--just giving her space but being receptive if friend wants to warm up again).

Be sure to have some play dates very soon with her other friends.

I can't stress enough to my girls to have more than one friend. The have friends in other states during the summer, friends at school, church and activities (track, girl scouts, etc). DH and I had to end our daughters friendship with her BF this weekend. The BF was texting boys and the boys showed up at our house! The BF always had something about her that we didn't like but tried to for our daughter. Our daughter wasn't keen on the idea but she went ahead with her BF and now it cost a friendship. But there's more to it. Luckily she has more friends at her school and doesn't have to see the BF anymore (She goes to another school). We disabled everything on her phone, computer, ipod and hope it doesn't start any bullying. Again this is life and being a parent stinks at times but we have to step in and reassure that all will be alright. Our youngest sees what's going on and tries to stop the drama too. Her friends are the same way. The friends only want one BFF but I dislike that word anymore. Our girls know it's ok to have lots of friends. People move, change, and sometimes it's not worth investing in a friendship that won't last.

I think I would mention something to the mom in a casual way. I don't like confrontation (but I do it when I have too). Maybe say I see our kids are drifting apart. Or you were right about your daughter latching on to friends and then focusing on what she wants. Your daughter will have more friends over the years. It's not like when we grew up and had the same friends.

So, I am going through basically the same thing with my 12 year old. Personally, while I know it is all a part of growing up, it is still a horrible way to treat another person no matter what age you are. As a parent I feel like it is our JOB to teach our children how to be good people. If my child was behaving that way, I would want to know so, I chose to speak to the other parents involved. With one girl, it really helped. They were able to clear the air and establish a friendship that does not really involve the "snubbing" girl. As for the "snubbing" girl, sadly after 10 years of them being like sisters, she is still the same. Some times she throws out a glimmer of kindness. My daughter is still cordial and hopeful when she see's her but finally has a better understanding that some people are just that way and there is nothing we can do to change them. My daughter has been taught to treat others the way she wants to be treated…now she actually gets the value of the lesson.
It's such a hard place to be in.
We can always make them feel better and suggest other friends and activities when they are with us. Its more helping them figure out how to deal with it when we are NOT there. Maybe she has some other classmates that you can set up play dates with and encourage more friendships? Sometimes I even think it works out for the best…she gets the opportunity to make new friends. Of course remind her that she has done nothing wrong and I say even encourage her to express her feelings. Maybe the little girl doesn't realize what she is doing. (In my case, one girl did the other did not). Sadly we must teach our kids that people can be very mean and hurtful, especially little girls. Not everyone is brought up with the same values that we are...doesn't make it bad, just different....life.

You are right. Unfortunately, it's a part of life. My daughter has gone through this, and is still going through it in 6th grade. Girls are just plain nasty to each other.

As for talking to the other mom, I've found that to backfire. Most moms don't view things the way you do, and think their daughters are doing nothing wrong. When it's someone you're friendly with, it just creates an awkwardness. I try not to talk to other mothers about their kids unless it's the issue is of an extreme nature. I talked to one mom last year because her daughter was bullying mine. After talking to the mom and the teacher, the bullying stopped.

The best thing you can do is to teach your daughter how to recognize a true friend. I told my daughter over and over that a true friend is an always friend. She doesn't drop you if someone "better" comes along, she wants to hang out with you every day at lunch and recess, she builds you up instead of knocking you down, you can laugh together... I think after many, many talks, she finally gets it. She knows her true friends from the "users" and can tell me the reasons why so and so isn't a trustworthy friend etc....

Yes, it sucks but many girls pair up rather than play well in groups. I hate the term "best friend" at this age because it often means "only friend."
Just keep encouraging your daughter to reach out to other girls, and get her involved in activities outside of school (sports, church, scouts, etc.) so she is busy and meeting new people.
Don't say anything to the other mom unless you feel your daughter is being bullied. And not playing with your daughter is not bullying, it's just her choice of who she does or does not want to play with. Help your daughter move on, that's an important skill she needs to learn.

If it were my child ignoring another child, I would want to know. I realize that not all parents are like that.

As for this question, I think it depends on three things... Is the little girl mean to your daughter or just aloof? How close are you with the mom? When she told you that her daughter wants nothing to do with other kids, did she seem like she supported that choice or that she was frustrated by it? If you think that you are close with the mom and that she wants her daughter to treat all children lovingly, then I would say something. Otherwise, it probably won't make a difference and will just set the wrong expectations from your daughter.

You have gotten a lot of good advice about speaking with your daughter about it. As much as it pains me, it is life. It also explains why, to this day, I've gotten along better with guys. I have only a few close female relationships because of these types of scenarios that some girls never outgrow :(